


Quinn, Season 5

by WildDogJJ



Category: Daria (Cartoon)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 92,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25547872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildDogJJ/pseuds/WildDogJJ
Summary: The final season of Quinn.  Quinn and Jim are now engaged and preparing to get married.  It'll either be something out of a fairy tale, or an epic disaster.
Relationships: Brittany Taylor/Kevin Thompson, Brittany Taylor/Original Male Character, Jamie White/Nicole Yagami, Link/Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer/James "Jim" Carbone, Sandi Griffin/Danielle "Danny" Todd, Sandi Griffin/Tom Sloane, Stacy Rowe/Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and Mack a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Mr. White Goes To Washington"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**Morgendorffer House, day...**

Daria and Quinn were walking from the front door to Quinn's car. Quinn looked more chipper than usual.

"So, sis, ready for a day of sisterly bonding?" asked Quinn.

"Ready as I'll ever be."

Daria entered the passenger side of Quinn's car as Quinn entered the driver's side. Quinn didn't start the car but instead turned to Daria. "Thanks for agreeing to go shopping with me and Nicole, Daria. She'll meet us there. She says she has something to ask us."

Daria looked suspicious. "Okay, Quinn, what gives?"

Playing dumb and innocent, Quinn asked "What do you mean?"

Daria said "You come back from a weekend at the shore with Jim and the first thing you do is beg me to spend a day shopping with you, and only you, despite the fact that I don't like shopping. You keep pushing until I say yes and insist that no one else come along. Why?"

"I just wanna spend quality time with my sister" Quinn said with a sly grin.

"There's more to it this time, I can tell" said Daria.

Quinn smiled even more brightly. "I have to tell you something, Daria. Something I want you to know before anyone else does."

"Well" said Daria, "we're alone in your car. Are you going to tell me?"

"Better yet, I'll show you" said Quinn. "Close your eyes?"

Daria said "Ten years ago I'd think this is a trick, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt". After a pause, she added "Despite knowing I'm gonna regret this".

Daria closed her eyes. She heard the sound of Quinn rummaging through her purse. Finally...

"Alright, open them!"

Daria opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was Quinn's left hand with a huge diamond ring on her finger.

"You mean...!?"

Quinn could barely contain her excitement. "Yes! Jim proposed and I said yes! I wanted you to be the first to know that I'm engaged."

Daria smiled.

* * *

**Pizza King, later that day...**

Jim and Jamie were having lunch and catching up. Jamie once again has legs, or at least he appears to. In truth, if one were to pull up his pants legs one could then see that his shins are titanium rods. As Jamie was still learning how to walk in his prosthetics he carried a cane with him everywhere, but was glad to no longer be confined to a wheelchair. Jim had just told Jamie about his engagement to Quinn.

"Congratualtions, man" said Jamie.

"Thanks, Jamie" said Jim. "By the way, those are some nice prosthetics. If I didn't know any better I'd think you still had legs."

"Thanks, Jim" said Jamie. "The shins are titanium alloy and I have two sets of detachable feet, one for everyday walking and one for running. Granted, I'm still learning how to move in these, that's why I need a cane, and fastening my stumps into the molded thighs is a pain in the ass but it's better than having Nicole wheel me everywhere I need to go." Getting back to Jim and Quinn's engagement, Jamie asked "You guys set a wedding date yet?"

Jim said "We haven't had a chance to plan any of that yet. All I know for sure is that the best man's gonna be my brother, Chris. I also want you to be one of the groomsmen."

Smiling, Jamie said "Makes sense since it's a given that Nicole's gonna be a bridesmaid."

"So," said Jim, "Anything interesting happen with you lately?"

Jamie got a letter out of his pocket and handed it to Jim. "Just this" he said with a proud smile.

Jim noticed that the envelope had the Presidential Seal on it. As Jim looked at the actual letter he noticed that the letterhead had the offical seal on it as well. Jim proceeded to read it out loud.

"Corporal James White, USA

"First off, I would like to extend my deepest thanks for your actions and sacrifice in service to this great country. You have the gratitude of not only your Commander In Chief, but of an entire nation. Your actions in Baghdad on 10, March, 2009 embody the phrase "above and beyond" and have resulted in countless lives saved. We, the American People, owe you a debt that we cannot ever truly repay. As such, I would like to publicly reconize your service and sacrifice to this great nation by cordially inviting you to the White House for an awards ceremony and state dinner for you and any number of guests of your choosing. At this event I intend to personally award you with the Congressional Medal Of Honor. An honor you have more than earned.

Sincerely,  
Barack Obama, President, United States Of America"

Impressed, Jim handed the letter back to Jamie. "You actually get to meet the President!"

Proudly, Jamie said "Yes, and Nicole and I talked it over. We want you and Quinn to accompany us to this thing."

Jim was humbled. "Jamie, I'd consider it an honor and a privilidge. I know they don't do this for just anyone. This is the American equivalent of being knighted by the Queen Of England."

"I know" said Jamie. At this point, something occurred to him. "Isn't your father a Medal Of Honor winner?"

Jim nodded. "Earned it in Vietnam. The President who awarded it to him was Nixon."

Jamie said nothing, but looked thoughtful.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Lawndale Mall...**

Quinn, Daria and Nicole were having lunch in the food court. Quinn and Nicole were each eating a salad while Daria was having a slice of pizza.

"You sure you don't want some pizza?" Daria asked.

"Daria, I can't eat that now," said Quinn, "I need to fit into a wedding dress in a few months".

"I guess some things never change" said Daria. Turning to Nicole, she asked "What's your excuse?"

Nicole said "I need to fit in a formal address a lot sooner. Jamie and I have been invited to the White House".

Both sisters jaws dropped.

"Nicole!" Quinn gasped.

Beaming proudly, Nicole said "Jamie's being given the Congressional Medal Of Honor by President Obama himself".

"And stealing Quinn's thunder" Daria dryly remarked.

Quinn stared daggers at her sister for that one.

"Relax," said Nicole, "Jamie and I didn't have a big wedding. By the way, Quinn, congradulations on your engagement. Since you and Daria didn't get to be bridesmaids this is my way of making it up to both of you".

Quinn raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Nicole said "Jamie and I are allowed to bring any number of guests, in fact he's probably already asked Jim. What do you say?"

Quinn said "Nicole, I'd be honored."

"Pass," said Daria, "But thanks for the offer".

Nicole smiled. "This is gonna be great, we actually get to meet the President!"

Daria said "Just because I voted for him doesn't mean I wanna meet him. Frankly, my mouth would cause trouble. That's why I have to turn down the invitation."

Quinn said "I can't wait. We actually get to meet the first president who isn't some stuffy old white guy."

* * *

**Jamie and Nicole's apartment, evening...**

Nicole was on the phone while Jamie sat next to her on the couch.

"No, it's okay, Mom," said a disappointed Nicole, "I understand. I wish she'd get over it....Love you too, Mom, bye."

Nicole then hung up.

"Your parents aren't coming, are they?" Jamie guessed.

Nicole sighed. "They want to," she said, "But my grandmother's firmly against it and Dad could never say no to his mother."

"What's her problem with me, anyway?" asked Jamie.

Nicole said "You have to understand, grandma grew up in the old country and came to America as a refugee after World War II. She retains a lot of traditional Japanese views as a result."

"How's that translate into her having a problem with us?" Jamie asked.

Trying not to let her frustration show, Nicole said "She feels slighted that I married a gaijin."

"I see" said Jamie. He actually found it somewhat ironic to be a white man on the receiving end of racism.

Nicole said "Yeah, Japanese culture does have something of an 'us versus them' vibe to it".

Putting a reassuring hand on his wife's shoulder, Jamie said "If your grandmother can't except the fact that this is 21st century America, not pre-War Japan, that's entirely on her. Besides, we have each other."

Smiling, Nicole said "You always know what to say, Jamie". After kissing him on the cheek, she added "Just one more reason I love you."

Changing the subject, Jamie said "Did I tell you I invited a member of Jim's family to come along?"

Nicole said "Why?"

Jamie explained "I figured he'd appreciate some nostalgia. I didn't tell Jim and Quinn because I figured they'd appreciate the surprise."

Nicole was now worried as she had an uneasy suspicion which member of Jim's family Jamie invited. "Jamie," she said, "I'm almost afraid to ask, but which member of Jim's family did you invite?"

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Quinn and Jim's apartment...**

Quinn and Jim were watching TV while their dog, Storm, rests at their feet. On the TV screen a latin man in priestly vestments was holding a drug dealer at gun point in front of a church altar.

"Vaya con Dios."

He shoots the drug dealer in the face.

Pausing the DVD, Quinn said "I used to watch "Monsignor Martinez" all the time back in Highland".

Smiling, Jim said "Now, aren't you glad I bought the complete series?"

"Definitely," said Quinn. Changing the subject, Quinn said "I can't believe we get to meet the President!"

"I know," said Jim, "It's almost surreal".

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

"Who could that be?" Jim wondered out loud.

Looking at her watch, Quinn said "Probably Sandi, wanting to bitch about another date from hell."

Jim frowned as both he and Quinn got up to answer the door. Fourtanetly, it wasn't Sandi. Unfortunately, it was much someone much worse.

"About goddamn time!" Tony Carbone barked.

Quinn and Jim both gulped with dread.

* * *

**Act II**  
 **Quinn and Jim's apartment, evening...**  
 **Music:** "Fireflies" by Owl City

Tony Carbone was standing in the doorway to Quinn and Jim's apartment. The young couple had a sinking feeling.

"You gonna let me in, or what?" said Tony. Without even waiting for an answer he proceeded to barge right in, nearly knocking Jim over in the process. Quinn stared daggers at him as she closed the door.

"D...Dad, what are you doing here?" Jim asked nervously.

"Can't a man pay his son a surprise visit?" Tony asked back.

Jim asked "Where's Mom?"

Tony said "Somebody's gotta keep the house clean".

Jim sighed as Tony took a seat on the couch.

Quinn asked "So, why the surprise visit?"

Tony said "I understand one of your friends is gettin' a Medal Of Honor".

Quinn stared daggers at her fiance.

"I didn't tell him" said Jim.

"Jamie did," said Tony, "He invited me to tag along and we decided to surprise youse guys". Looking at Quinn, Tony growled "So, you're still with the insubordinate slut I see".

"Excuse me!" Quinn hissed through gritted teeth.

"Dammit, Dad," said Jim, "How many times have I told you not to insult Quinn in front of me!?"

Tony got in Jim's face. "I'll call her what I want...AND YOU'LL FUCKING TAKE IT, YA GODDAMN FAGGOT!"

Jim instantly lost his nerve. Quinn, on the other hand, got in Tony's face. "Dammit, Tony," she said, "Why do you have to bully your own son all the time!?"

Tony barked "Because he's a fuckin' pussy, so of course a real man's gonna assert his dominance. I'd actually steal you off of him if you weren't such an uppity pain in the ass".

Jim said "Dammit, Dad.."

"SHUT YOUR FAGGY, WEAK ASS SEWER TRAP, YOU PRISON BITCH," Tony barked, "I KILLED A HUNDRED GOOKS BACK IN 'NAM!"

Quinn said "And the fact that you brag about it proves you're a..."

Jim cut her off, not out of family loyalty but to protect Quinn from his father's wrath. "Ix-nay, Quinn!"

Quinn groaned in frustration.

Tony said "God, I hope he never marries you, you bitch!"

Neither Quinn nor Jim mentioned that they're now engaged.

* * *

**Pizza Prince, the next day...**

Quinn and Nicole were having lunch. The conversation was awkward as Quinn was making her displeasure over Tony's visit known.

"Dammit, Nicole, why'd you let Jamie invite Jim's father!"

Nicole was understanding. "I'm sorry, Quinn. I didn't know until after he'd done it."

Quinn asked "Why the hell did he invite Tony in the first place?"

Nicole explained "He thought Tony would appreciate it, being a Medal Of Honor recipient himself. Jamie didn't tell anyone because he wanted to surprise you guys".

"He sure as hell did," Quinn said in a very aggrivated tone, "What the hell!?"

"Quinn," said Nicole, "You have to understand, Jamie didn't know what a toxic psycho Jim's father is. When I told him it was too late. He's really sorry about that, by the way."

Quinn rubbed her temples and groaned. "God, could this be any worse?"

Remorseful, Nicole said "Sorry".

Quinn started to calm down. "It's okay," she said, "You didn't do anything".

Nicole asked "Does he know you and Jim are engaged?"

"No," said Quinn, "And we're afraid to tell him. Tony hates me so much that without Jim's mother there to referee it's gonna be a bloodbath when he finds out". Quinn took a deep breath to calm herself down. "At least, since we're going to a solemn ceremony to meet the President maybe Tony will behave himself." After a brief pause, she added "For once".

* * *

**The following morning...**

Quinn, Jim and Tony emerged from the apartment building. The ceremony would be held at the White House that evening, followed by a state dinner. Since Washington, DC was only a 45 minute drive from Lawndale the plan was to drive down in the morning and meet up with Jamie and Nicole at the hotel where they'd stay overnight before returning home the next morning. Quinn and Jim were bringing formal wear which they'd change into at the hotel. Tony was already wearing his formal wear.

Tony was wearing his old class-A from when he was in the Army. For those who don't know, there are different types of Army uniforms. The BDU (Battle Dress Uniform) is the most common. It's the one soldiers wear out in the field and has minimum insignia (to avoid ID by the enemy). The class-A was the formal wear. Tony's class-A had all the trimmings. Pinned on his chest were the following: two Pruple Hearts, five Bronze Stars, four Silver Stars, multiple commendation medals and two Distinguished Srevice Crosses. Around his neck, Tony wore a blue ribbon attached to a gold star shaped medallion. That was the Medal Of Honor he'd earned in Vietnam. On his right sleeve was a chevron consisting of a diamond and three upward pointing stripes above with four downward pointing stripes below, indicating his rank as Sergeant Major. On his left sleeve at the shoulder were three patches, called tabs. One tab read "Airborne", the second read "Ranger" and the third read "Special Forces". One thing unique about Tony's uniform was the head wear. In lieu of the traditional NCO's (Non-Comissioned Officer) hat Tony wore a black beret with the insignia of the 75th Ranger Regiment (due to the covert nature of their missions the Army has never publicly acknowledged the existence of Delta Force).

As they walked toward Quinn's car Tony suddenly stopped.

"What's wrong, Dad?" asked Jim.

Pointing to Quinn, who had just gotten her car keys out, Tony said "You're not seriously letting her drive, are ya?"

Jim said "Well, it is her car".

Rolling his eyes, Tony growled "When the fuck you gonna grow some balls, ya walking vagina? She's a woman. Women ride, men drive!"

Offended, Quinn said "Excuse me!"

"Quiet!" Tony barked, "Men are talking."

Jim said "Dad, it's her car, so she drives it".

Tony said "Dammit, Jim, ya know women are shit drivers!" Turning to Quinn, Tony barked "Gimmie the keys, I'm driving!"

"No, you're not!" Quinn fired back.

Stern, Jim said "You heard her, Dad".

Tony got right in Jim's face. "Either I drive, or else!"

Jim held his ground. "Or else what?"

**Later, on I-95...**

Tony was driving while Quinn was sitting in the back seat. In the front seat was Jim, unconscious and with a bloody nose. Quinn was pissed.

"I can't believe you knocked Jim out and forced me to hand over the keys at gun point" she hissed.

"SHUT UP, WOMAN," Tony barked, "OR I'LL KNOCK YOUR ASS OUT TOO!"

Quinn sighed in frustration.

* * *

**Washington, DC...**

Jamie and Nicole stood in front of a hotel entrance waiting for Quinn, Jim and Tony to arrive. Jamie was wearing his class-A while Nicole was in her usual t-shirt and jeans (she'd change into her formal dress later). Jamie's class-A had fewer medals, just two Bronze Stars, a Silver Star and a Purple Heart. Also, his rank insignia was just three stripes since he was only a Corporal. Since Jamie was still learning how to walk in his prosthetic legs he had a cane with him while Nicole remained right next to him to provide extra support if he needed it. His parents weren't there because they had other obligations, so Jamie let them off the hook (actually, it's because including them in this story would be an unnecessary distraction).

"Sorry I invited Tony" said Jamie.

By now, Nicole had forgiven him. "That's okay" she said, "but next time tell me before you do something like this so I can warn you if it's a bad idea".

At this point, Quinn's car pulled up. Quinn emerged from the back while Tony emerged from the driver's side and Jim emerged from the passenger side. Nicole and Jamie gasped when they saw Jim was breathing through his mouth because his nose was swollen and he had tissue in his nostrils to stop the bleeding.

"Dude!" said Jamie.

"By my ancesters!" said Nicole, "What happened to you, Jim?"

Before Jim could answer Quinn pointed to Tony. "Ask him."

Tony said "They wouldn't let me drive so I broke Jim's nose and threatened to do the same to Quinn if she didn't hand over the keys".

Jamie said "That's an overreaction, Mr. Carbone".

"Corporal," said Tony in a stern tone, "You are to address me as Sergeant Major. Do I make myself clear?"

Jamie's training kicked right in. "Yes, Sergeant Major!" he said with a salute.

Pleased, Tony said "At ease, Corporal".

Jamie pointed out Nicole. "This is my wife Nicole, Sergeant Major."

As Nicole extended her hand in greeting Tony eyed her coldly. Jim gulped as he knew what was about to happen.

Looking at Jamie, Tony said "Is this a joke, Sergeant Major?"

Nicole said nothing but was visibly offended because, one, Tony's wasn't addressing her and, two, it was obvious he had a problem with her being Asian.

"You don't marry gooks, Corporal," Tony barked, "You sow yer wild oates with 'em. I fucked plenty o' gook whores back in 'Nam, but I never woulda married one."

Offended, Nicole said "Excuse me!"

Addressing her for the first time, Tony said "What's your maiden name, slant-eyes".

"Yagami" said Nicole, "And don't call me slant-eyes!"

Jamie said "Don't insult my wife, Sergeant Major!"

"SPEAK WHEN YOUR SPOKEN TO, CORPORAL!" Tony barked. Turning his attention back to Nicole, Tony asked "Where you from, anyway?"

Quinn said "Now, Tony..."

Tony cut her off. "DON'T INTERRUPT ME, WOMAN!" Seeing Jim about to spring to Quinn's defense, Tony shook his fist and growled "Don't even think about it, you waste o' man-juice". Turning back to Nicole, Tony said "Well?"

Trying to put off the verbal abuse she knew was coming, Nicole said "Los Angeles, I grew up in Encino".

Tony asked "Where your parents from, go...Nicole?"

Visibly impressed that he'd stopped himself from using a racial slur, Nicole said "They're from LA too".

"What about your grandparents?"

Trying to delay the tirade she knew was coming, Nicole said "My mom's parents were from San Francisco".

Tony ominously asked "And your dad's parents?"

Nicole sighed as she could no longer put off the confrontation. "Tokyo. They came as refugees after the war."

Turning to Jamie, Tony said "So, ya married a Jap."

Nicole lost it. She was about to lunge at Tony when both Quinn and Jim, knowing what would happen if she did, ran up and restrained her.

"Dammit, Sergeant Major," said Jamie, "YOU APOLOGIZE TO MY WIFE RIGHT NOW!"

Tony slapped Jamie. "Never contradict me, boy! I killed a hundred gooks!"

Jamie silently cursed the fact that he couldn't fight back due to his physical handicap.

* * *

**Jamie and Nicole's hotel room, later...**

As Nicole was changing (I leave her current degree of undress up to your perverted imaginations) Jamie sat on the bed and sighed.

"Sorry I couldn't do more to help you, Nicole."

"That's okay," she said, "Until you've mastered those prosthetics there isn't anything you can do. Besides, you still stood up for me, which is more than most of my exes ever did."

"I'm still sorry," said Jamie, "I'm the one who invited him".

"It's okay," said Nicole, "I know you wouldn't have if you'd known what a jerk Jim's father is. Anyway, what do you think?"

By now Nicole had finished changing. Jamie looked up and was amazed. Nicole was wearing a red silk oriental style dress that was both tasteful and sexy. It showed just enough leg to turn on a guy without showing too much and was form fitting, showing off her curves without drawing too much attention to them. Her hair was styled in an asian bun held together by sticks.

"Wow," said Jamie, "You're beautiful!"

"I know," Nicole said with a smile, "but I love hearing you say it".

**Meanwhile, in the hallway...**

Quinn and Jim emerged from their own room. Jim was wearing a tux while Quinn was in a pink evening slip dress with sequins. They looked like they were going to prom.

"You look great, Jim" said Quinn.

"Thanks," said Jim, "So do you. You always manage to find that perfect balance between tasteful and sexy."

"It's a gift" Quinn bragged.

**Meanwhile, in Tony's room...**

Tony was talking on his cell phone.

"I'm getting ready to go to this thing, Buck."

On the other end of the line was Tony's business partner, Buck Conroy. "Good, just remember the mission."

Smirking, Tony said "You know me, Buck".

"That I do" said Buck.

Smirking, Tony said "That communist monkey Obama won't even know what hit him".

Excited, Buck said "Alright. Operation Stand For America's about to commence!"

* * *

**Act III**   
**In front of the White House, evening...**

Quinn, Jim, Jamie, Nicole and Tony are approaching a checkpoint. Jim noticed Tony had a handbag slung over his shoulder. Unaware of his father's intentions Jim asked "Dad, why are you carrying a purse?"

"It's a man purse, you pussy" Tony hissed.

Surprised, Quinn said "You always struck me as the kind of guy who thought murses were gay. In fact, I seem to recall you saying so on more than one occassion."

"I don't like it," growled Tony in a defensive tone, "But I need it."

Everyone eyed Tony curiously.

"Look," Tony explained, "I need it for my blood pressure medicine, my kidney medicine AND my indigestion pills." Seeing the weird looks, Tony added "Dammit, I'm 66 years old! Even a super bad ass starts having issues at that age!"

Apologetic, Jim said "Relax, Dad, we aren't judging you. It's just that this is the first any of us are hearing of it."

Defensive, Tony said "Would you tell the world you need pills to piss properly!?"

"No, Dad" Jim admitted. Everyone else accepted Tony's explanation as well.

As they approached the gate to the White House grounds Jamie spoke to the guard.

"Corporal James White, United States Army." Pointing to Nicole, he added "My wife, Nicole," he then introduced everyone else, "And our additionaly guests, James Carbone, Quinn Morgendorffer and Anthony Carbone".

the guard looked at his list. "Alright, your names check out." He then pulled out a wand and ran it over each of them. "Okay, that checks out." Next, the guard pointed to Tony, Quinn and Nicole. "Please empty your bag contents on the counter."

In a seemingly tense moment, all complied. As it turned out, Tony really was carrying just medicine in his bag.

* * *

 **The State Room, a short time later...**  
 **Music:** "Bulletproof" by La Roux

An usher was showing our guests around. While Quinn, Jim, Jamie and Nicole were visibly impressed Tony was nervous. No one caught on to this, however, as Tony called on his decades of military experience to appear more disinterested than anything else.

Pointing to everyone's left, the usher said "That's the East Room, where the ceremony's going to be held".

Looking in that direction everyone saw cameras being set up so the ceremony could be televised and documented.

To her husband, Nicole whispered "It's all for you, Jamie".

"I know," said Jamie, "but I kind of feel bad about it. Everyone in the platoon did their part, they deserve to be publicly honored even more than I do."

Nicole explained "Jamie, you're the reason those guys are still alive. You saved them!" After kissing him on the cheek, Nicole said "If anyone's getting an award they don't deserve it's me. I don't deserve a man a awesome as you. I wish I had your strength."

Blushing slightly, Jamie said "Now who's being modest? You're one of the strongest women I know."

In a flirty tone, Nicole said "Keep that up, mister, and once we're back at the hotel you'll spend the rest of the night getting laid any way you want."

Jamie liked the sound of that.

Meanwhile, the usher was now showing them the room to their right.

"This is the State Dinning Room, where the dinner will be held."

Quinn and Jim were visibly impressed.

"I can't believe we get to have dinner with the President!" said an excited Quinn.

Jim said "I know, and it's a guy we both voted for!"

Quinn said "Duh, Jim. We're actually playing a part in history."

Remembering stories from her Fashion Club days, Jim said "Ten years ago you never would've been excited about something like this."

"Actually," Quinn admitted, "I would've. I just wouldn't tell anybody about it."

Jim smiled.

Meanwhile, Tony raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the usher.

"I gotta use the bathroom" said Tony. When Jim and Quinn eyed him suspiciously he added "What? I gotta take my meds."

This struck everyone as a reasonable request. The usher pointed to the nearest bathroom and Tony was on his way. What no one knew was that Tony already knew where the nearest bathroom was and his question was just a smoke screen.

* * *

**The bathroom, a few minutes later...**

Tony checked around to make sure he was alone. Once that was done he took his man-purse and emptied the pill bottles into a waste basket. Once that was done, Tony pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number.

"Transfer me to line Alpha-Romeo-Tango."

Tony waited as his call was transferred to a secure line.

**Meanwhile, at the head offices of Black Sword Security Services in Newport News, Va...**

Buck Conroy was seated at his desk when the phone rang. He immediately looked at the indicator light on his custom, military grade phone. It was blinking green.

 _That call's coming in on our secure line_ he thought. Buck immediately answered. "Hello?"

On the other end of the line, he heard "Buck, it's Tony. Phase One of Operation Stand For America complete."

Smiling, Buck said "Excellent, not that I ever doubted a badass like you."

Tony said "Now on to phase two. Where'd our inside man plant the package?"

Buck proceeded to tell Tony.

**Back at the White House bathroom...**

Tony listened intently as Buck told him where the package was.

Grinning, Tony said "Perfect! I can prep the thing while I'm at it. Commencing Phase Two, Carbone out!"

With that, Tony hung up the phone. Once that was done, he entered one of the toilet stalls. There, he found the item he was to use. He took it, prepped it and stowed it in his bag. Once that was done Tony exited the stall and proceeded to the sink. After nonchalantly washing his hands Tony exited the restroom and rejoined the party.

**A few seconds later...**

Tony rejoined the other guests.

"You good, Dad?" asked an unsuspecting Jim.

"I'm great!" Tony said with a smile. _When that pussy appeaser Obama gets it I'm gonna feel even better_.

Quinn suddenly eyed Tony suspiciously. _Why do I have a feeling he's up to something?_

* * *

 **The East Room, later...**  
 **Music:** "Bad Romance" by Lady Ga Ga

The ceremony was under way. At the podium, President Obama was giving a speech.

"We are also gathered here to honor the sacrifice of one of our brave men in uniform. On March 9, 2009 Corporal James White's convoy was ambushed on the streets of Baghdad. White's platoon leader, Sergeant Foley, led a squad of men that included White into a building. Finding this building occupied by the enemy, White immediately took charge of the situation and, without orders, single handedly cleared the building. He then proceeded to lay down cover fire from a second story window, allowing the rest of the platoon to get to safety. After this, the enemy seemed to retreat and the platoon felt it was safe to regroup. Once out in the street the enemy launched a second attack. Corporal White single handedly faced the enemy, laying down suppressing fire while his platoon got to safety. In the ensuing firefight White lost both legs. His actions on that day are a clear example of conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty. It is for this that I am now honored to grant Corporal James White our nations highest military decoration, the Congressional Medal Of Honor. Corporal White?"

As the crowd applauded Jamie slowly, and with Nicole's help (since he's still learning how to walk on his prosthetics), made his way to the President. At the same time, a member of the President's Marine Guard approached with a glass case containing the Medal Of Honor. As Jamie saluted his Commander In Chief Obama removed the Medal from it's case.

As Quinn and Jim watched Tony slowly began to open his bag.

 _After White gets his moment in the sun_ Tony thought, _I strike_.

Quinn looked over and saw Tony reach into his bag. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"None of your business" Tony growled.

Not wanting to ruin Jamie's moment Quinn just shot him a dirty look before turning her attention back to the ceremony.

Jamie humbly bowed his head as President Obama placed the Medal on him. Once that was done, Obama shook his hand.

"Thank you, sir" said Jamie.

"No," said Obama, "Thank you".

Tony decided now was the time to strike. He immediately stood up.

"FOR FREEDOM!!!" Tony shouted as he charged at the President. Before the Secret Service could spring into action Tony whipped out his...water baloon!?!

"WHAT THE HELL!?!" shouted a shocked and confused Nicole.

Tony immediately hurled the water balloon at the President's head. The balloon hit it's target, splashing it's contents all over Obama's head. The next shocker was when everyone realized the balloon was loaded not with water, but urine.

"THAT'S RIGHT, YA FREEDOM HATIN' PUSSY!" Tony shouted, "I JUST PISSED ON YOUR HEAD!!!"

President Obama, Jamie and Nicole were all too shocked to do anything but gasp. It was at this point that Tony was rushed by the President's security detail. They all proceeded to beat him senseless.

Quinn said "I knew it! I freaking knew he was up to something!!"

Jim just buried his face in his hands out of embarrassment.

* * *

**Pizza King, the next day...**

After coming back from Washington, Quinn and Stacy were meeting for lunch. Four month old Chucky was next to them in a stroller. Quinn has just told Stacy about the whole incident.

"My God!" Stacy gasped, "You're kidding!"

"I wish I was," said a forlorn Quinn, "It was soooooo humiliating!" Regaining her composure, she added "I'm just glad that after the Secret Service threw Tony out the rest of the evening went off without a hitch."

Stacy asked "How much prison time is Tony looking at?"

"None," said Quinn, "That's the frustrating part."

"How come he's not facing charges?" asked a surprised Stacy. "Even if it wasn't an assassination attempt it's still assault."

Quinn explained "That general Tony works with, the same one that showed up when those modeling scouts visited our school, called in some favors to get the charges dropped."

Stacy frowned. "I guess it really does depend on who you know."

Quinn sighed. "My sister was right, life does suck."

Stacy said "True, but it beats the alternative."

Quinn had a sudden realization. "I'm about to marry a man who's father is a total psycho, you're a mom with self-confidence. We really are turning into our parents."

The two women exchanged Daria-like grins.

**End Episode.**


	2. Disturbia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quinn and Jim trade up from an apartment to a house. There's just one problem...Kevin and Brittany live next door.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and Mack on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Disturbia"**   
**story by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**A red brick two-story house with white siding on the upper half, day...**

There was a "For Sale by Bank" sign in the front yard. A Prius pulled into the driveway, which was on the right side. This was followed by Jim's 1987 Camaro IROC-Z. A woman with bobbed blonde hair wearing a business suit stepped out of the Prius while Jim and Quinn emerge from the Camaro. The woman is a realtor.

"Well, here we are" said the realtor.

"Outside looks nice" Jim commented. "How'd this house wind up on the market?"

The realtor explained "Bank foreclosed on it last year. It's been sitting vacant ever since. Asking price is $200,000.00."

Amazed, Quinn said "I figured a house this size in a clean neighborhood like this would be at least half a million."

The realtor shrugged. "With the housing market the way it is now everything is dirt cheap, and only gonna get cheaper in the short term."

"Welcome to post crash America" Jim commented.

After stifling a giggle the realtor retrieved a set of keys out of her pocket. "Let me show you the inside."

She unlocked the front door and let Quinn and Jim in. The living room looked massive due to the abscence of any furniture. It is separated from the kitchen by a breakfast bar. To the right of the front door is a stairway leading up.

The realtor said "This is the kitchen and living room. As you can see, the kitchen is equipped with an oven and a walk in pantry. The sliding glass door allows easy access to the backyard."

The realtor then led Jim and Quinn past the stairs to the first opening on the right.

"Downstairs hallway."

They proceed down the hallway. The first entrance on the right led to a descending flight of stairs.

"That leads to the basement" said the realtor, "which includes a utility room, laundry room and rec room".

"Nice," said Jim, "I can have a man cave."

The realtor pointed to the second door on the right. "Office, and the third door leads to the downstairs bathroom. The door at the end leads into the garage."

They take glances inside before entering a door on the left. It leads to a dinning room. Like the kitchen, the dinning room had a sliding glass door that leads outside. It has a second door connecting it to the kitchen and living room.

**Upstairs, a short time later...**

Quinn and Jim were being shown the master bedroom, which includes a huge walk in closet and a bathroom with a walk in shower and granite counter tops.

**The back yard, a short time after that...**

There is a patio with a large swimming pool. The pool includes a jacuzzi.

**Out front, a short time later...**

The realtor turned to Quinn and Jim. "So, what do you guys think? "

"I like it," said Jim, "And there are plenty of spare rooms."

Quinn added "A huge plus since we wanna start a family at some point."

* * *

**Morgendorffer House, evening...**

Helen, Jake, Daria, Jim and Quinn were all seated at the kitchen table. Quinn and Jim are over for dinner. Jake slipped Storm a pice of food off of his plate.

"Who's a good doggie?" Jake asked in a cutesy voice.

Storm happily wagged his tail. Quinn gave Jake a disapproving look. "Da-ahd" she said, "do you have to overindulge him?"

Jake said "It's what grandfathers do."

Quinn decided not to press the issue. Changing the subject, she said "As I was saying, that house is perfect. We can afford mortgage payments, but I'm a little worried about the down payment."

"Don't be" said Helen. "Your father and I have sixty-thousand saved up in a special account, thrity for you and thirty for Daria. We wanted to help each of you out with your first home purchase."

Jim was very relieved to hear it. "Perfect. We can use that for the down payment, put the rest in savings. With interest rates at record lows we should definitely go with a fixed rate."

"So it's settled, then," said Quinn, "I'll call the realtor tomorrow and tell her we'll take it."

Helen walked up and hugged Quinn. "Your first home purchase. My little baby's all grown up."

Quinn looked embarrassed while Jim and Daria snickered.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's new house, one month later...**

The living room is now fully furnished. Quinn and Jim are watching TV. On the TV screen was Monsignor Martinez praying at a church altar. A would be assassin sneaks up on him with a garrot wire. The killer's about to strike when the monsignor immediately jumps up and staggers the attacker with a spinning kick. Next, the bishop pulls out a 9mm handgun and aims it at the assailant.

"Vaya con Dios."

He shoots his attacker straight in the heart.

Quinn and Jim watched in rapt attention.

"No one gets the drop on Monsignor Martinez" said Jim.

"I know," said Quinn, "If priests and ministers were this badass in real life I'd actually go to church. "

The doorbell rings. Both Quinn and Jim get up to answer. Once the door is open they both gasp. It's Kevin and Brittany. They have a six year old boy with them who looks like a mini-Kevin. The boy is their son, Ultra.

"HIIIII!!" all three of them said in unison.

Afterward, Kevin added "Like, welcome to the neighborhood."

Quinn and Jim began to feel some buyers remorse.

**A short time later...**

Ultra was playing with Storm while Kevin and Brittany were talking to Quinn and Jim.

Jim said "I thought you guys lived on the other side of town."

"We did," said Brittany, "The old house was nice when it was just me, Kevie and Ultra but it was too cramped once I had the twins. Then, when I got pregnant again, Daddy bought us the house next door."

It's worth noting that at this point Kevin and Brittany were up to four kids. The eldest, Ultra, was the reason they got married. Brittany dumped Kevin at the end of summer after graduation because she was going off to Great Prairie State while Kevin had to repeat senior year at Lawndale High. The following summer they got back together for one last fling. It was during this time that Kevin got Brittany pregnant with Ultra, forcing her to transfer to Lawndale State and marry Kevin. His mother's biggest fear had come true. Since then they'd gone on to have twins Angie and Nikki, who were two, and Lisa, who was only three months old.

"Speaking of which" said Quinn, "where are your other three kids?"

Brittany said "Angie, Nikki and little Lisa are back at the house."

Quinn eyed Brittany with concern. "Who's watching them?"

"No one" said Kevin as if it were no big deal.

Brittany added "We figured since we're only going next door it was okay to leave Angie and the twins alone."

Quinn and Jim both roll their eyes. "Why am I not surprised?" said Quinn, "After all, Kevin, it's not like they'll burn down the house like you did."

The comment flew completely over Kevin's head. Also not making the connection, Brittany said "They're not allowed to play with matches."

"What about alcohol?" asked Jim, hoping that would light up one of them.

Still not getting the clear reference to the time he tried to put out a fire with hard liquor, Kevin said "The twins are almost two and Lisa's only three month's old. They can't drink."

Quinn and Jim stared in disbelief in Kevin and Brittany's complete thoughtlessness. Quinn thne looked out the window and saw two blonde toddlers playing in the middle of the street. Concerned, Quinn turned to Kevin and Brittany and asked "Um, Are the twins allowed to play in the middle of the street?"

Brittany looked like she didn't know the answer. "I don't know. Are they, Kevie?"

Kevin scratched his head in a failed attempt to think. "Ummm...uh....hmmm....uh...I don't know."

Quinn decided to stop beating around the bush and be direct. "I only ask because they're playing in the street right now."

STILL not getting it, a relieved Kevin said "Oh, Cool! I guess they are allowed to play in the street."

"Cool" said an equally clueless Brittany.

Jim rolled his eyes while Quinn stared in stunned disbelief.

Jim asked "What if they get hit by a car?"

A light, albeit a very dim one, finally went off in Brittany's head. "OH, GOD!!!!! KEVIE, YOU'VE GOTTA GET THEM!!!!!"

Kevin rushed out the door to get his twin daughters. Quinn, Jim and Brittany rushed to the window. They were immediately dismayed to see Kevin forget why he ran out there and rather than get the kids out of the street he joined in the fun and games. Suddenly, a car comes to a stop and the driver honks his horn.

"GET OFF THE STREET, IDIOT!!!"

Too dumb to understand why he shouldn't play with his kids in the middle of the street, Kevin said "Like, it's cool. I'm playing with my kids."

Watching all of this from the house Brittany looks embarrassed while Jim shakes his head and Quinn stares in wide eyed, open mouthed shock.

* * *

 **Quinn and Jim's house, that evening...**  
 **Music:** "Our House" by Madness

_Our house_   
_In the middle of our street_

Quinn and Jim were having Chuck, Stacy and Little Chucky over for dinner. Quinn was telling them about the incident earlier that day.

"...so I finally had to go out there and talk Kevin and his kids into playing in our front yard instead of the street. Jim had to keep an eye on them while Brittany and I went to check on their baby. Interesting way to greet new neighbors."

Sympathetic, the man formerly known as Upchuck but now simply called Chuck said "So you live next door to Kevin and Brittany now? You two have my condolences."

Quinn said "I can't believe how neglegent those two are. Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids."

Jim added "I have to admit, I found the experience mildly amusing."

Slightly put off by her fiance's seeming callousness, Quinn said "Jim, what if those girls got run over?"

Jim said "I'm not saying I condone that sort of thing. I just think it's funny how those two can be so stupid."

Suddenly remembering a different pair of idiots from her and Daria's past, Quinn said "You think they're dumb, you should've seen the two...shudder...things that used to follow Daria around."

Stacy gave Quinn a curious look. "What things?"

Quinn said "Two mentally retarded delinquents that my sister knew back in Texas."

Knowing who she's talking about, Jim said "You mean...What were their names again?"

"Beavis and Butt-Head" said Quinn. Turning to one of her two BFF's (the other being Nicole), Quinn added "And before you ask, Stacy, yes, those were their actual names."

Stacy asked "How'd they get names like that?"

"Their parents must've been on drugs," Quinn speculated, "That's the only possible explanation for those two. They're the reason Daria's convinced there was uranium in the drinking water of that town."

They all laughed at that one.

* * *

**The white, two-story stucco house next to Quinn and Jim's, later that evening...**

The sound of Kevin and Brittany arguing inside could be heard outside.

"But, babe..."

"NO BUTS, KEVIE. YOU ACTED LIKE AN IDIOT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!!!"

"But....but..."

There's the sound of Brittany hitting hitting Kevin.

"OWWWWW!!!!!"

A few seconds later a frightened Kevin ran out of the front door of his and Brittany's house. He made an immediate beeline toward Quinn and Jim's house.

**Quinn and Jim's bedroom, a few seconds later...**

Storm was asleep in his dog basket while Jim, wearing a wife-beater shirt, was in bed reading a book. Quinn emerged from the bathroom wearing a tank-top and panties. She climbed into bed next to Jim.

"What are you reading, hon?" Quinn asked.

Jim said "A book about pool maintenance. I figure it might be useful since we now have a house with a swimming pool."

Quinn kissed Jim on the cheek. "That's one more thing I love about you, babe. You're always thinking ahead."

The doorbell rings.

"Who could that be?" Jim wondered. "It's almost midnight."

**Downstairs, less than a minute later...**

Quinn and Jim opened the front to find that it's Kevin. He looked sad.

"Uh, like, Brit threw me out. Can I crash here tonight?"

Quinn and Jim both frown. It's going to be a long night.

* * *

**Act II**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, morning...**

In the kitchen a visibly sleep-deprived Quinn clad in a bathrobe was making some coffee.

_God, what a night! Listening to Kevin whine about his wife and talk up his high school days would drive anyone insane._

As Quinn poured her coffee the sound of splashing could be heard outside. Quinn looked out the window and saw Kevin swimming in the pool. She opened the sliding glass door and walked out.

Upon seeing her, Kevin said "Oh, Hey, Quinn. I hope you don't mind me having a morning swim."

Quinn was a little annoyed that he didn't ask permission from her or Jim to use the pool first. Kevin exited the pool and walked toward Quinn. At this point, Quinn gasped in shock as Kevin was totally naked.

"Cool" said Kevin, "I could use some coffee."

He took Quinn's coffee mug out of her hand and chugged it down. Clearly upset by this and the fact that he was swimming naked in her pool, Quinn said "That was my coffee".

"Sorry" Kevin replied in a goofy voice as he handed the coffee back.

Upon seeing that her coffee was gone, Quinn angrily asked "Kevin, what the hell?"

Blissfully ignorant of how inconsiderate he's being, Kevin said "I felt like a swim but I didn't have a bathing suit."

Struggling to be patient, Quinn said "Did you ask for permission to use our pool?"

Kevin looked sheepish as he realized he screwed up. "Sorry."

Trying not to lose it, Quinn said "Kevin, you're a guest in mine and Jim's home. If you want to use the pool, ask permission first. And second, wear a bathing suit. I don't wanna see your junk."

Kevin had a bashful smile. "Sorry."

Still naked, Kevin walked into the house. That was when Quinn noticed his clothes in a pile by the pool. She immediately picked them up.

"Kevin, aren't you forgetting something."

Seeing Quinn hold up his discarded clothes, Kevin said "Oh, Yeah! Could you, like, stick those in the wash for me? Thanks, babe."

A still naked Kevin walked into the house. Quinn was now absolutely livid.

_UGH!!!!_

* * *

**The Coffee Snob, later that day...**  
 **Music:** "Party In The USA" by Miley Cyrus

Quinn and Nicole were hanging out and having coffee. Quinn was telling her other BFF about the incident with Kevin.

"...so Jim and I had to endure the sight of Kevin walking around the house naked while I did his laundry."

"You're too nice to him," said Nicole, "Maybe you should crack the whip more."

"No need," said Quinn, "After his clothes were done Brittany came over and apologized for throwing him out. At least I won't have to suffer another night of him sleeping under my roof."

Nicole asked "Why'd she kick him out in the first place?"

Quinn said "She was embarrassed because he was playing with their kids in the middle of the street."

"Model parents, those two" Nicole replied in a sarcastic tone.

Quinn now looked a little concerned. "To be honest, I kind of feel bad for the little guys. Their parents seem to constantly neglect them. What if something happens to those kids?"

"You could call child services" suggested Nicole.

"I'm not doing that," said Quinn, "I don't have proof and even if I did I wouldn't break up that family. Kevin and Brittany genuinely love their kids. They're just really inept parents."

Lindy suddenly got an idea. "If you're that concerned maybe you should check up once in a while, just to make sure everything's okay. The kids might even benefit from having an adult friend they can unload on."

Quinn looked thoughtful.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later that day...**

The front door opened and Quinn entered. She locked the door behind her.

"Jim, I'm home."

The only response was Storm running up to Quinn. Quinn pet him and scratched behind his ears. "Hey, Storm. Where's Daddy?"

She walked into the kitchen and saw a note on the refridgerator. Taking it down, Quinn read it.

"Quinn,  
Went to gym then to supermarket. Be back in a little while.

Love,  
Jim"

Quinn smiles until...

"HELP!!! HELP ME!!!!"

Quinn heard slpashing and looked out the window. To her horror, she saw six-year old Ultra Thompson in the pool struggling to keep his head above water.

"HELP!!! HELP!!!!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!!"

"OHMYGOD!!!!!" shouted Quinn as she immediately sprang into action. She opened the glass door and ran out to the pool. She dives right in and swims toward Ultra. Panicked, the boy struggles until...

"It's alright! I've got you. Hold on."

With Ultra holding on tight, Quinn swam to the edge. She hoisted Ultra out of the pool before climbing out herself. Once she's out...

"Are you okay?"

Shaking, Ultra nodded.

Quinn asked "What were you doing, anyway?"

Ultra said "I was bored so I wandered over here. I got too close to the pool and fell in."

Simply relieved that the boy was safe and speaking in a calm tone, Quinn said "It's okay. You know, it's not nice to go into someone else's back yard without asking first."

Genuinely perplexed, Ultra said "B-but, Mom and Dad use this pool all the time."

Quinn explained "That was when no one lived here. Now that someone lives here it's not okay to do that."

Visibly embarrassed, Ultra said "I'm sorry. Are you mad at me?"

Quinn reassured the boy. "No, I'm not mad. You just made a mistake, that's all. Are your parents home?"

Ultra said "Dad is, but Mom's with Mr. Jonson."

"Who's Mr. Jonson?" asked Quinn.

"Dad says he's been helping Mom exercise."

Quinn decided not to press any further. Seeing that Ultra was still shaken up, she said "How about before I take you home we get you in some dry clothes and I'll make you some cocoa?"

Ultra liked the sound of that. "Sure! Thanks, Miss Morgendorffer."

Quinn smiled. "Call me Quinn. Besides, it's gonna be Mrs. Carbone in a few months anyway."

Ultra smiled.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's kitchen...**

Quinn and Ultra were at the table having cocoa. Ultra was wearing one of Jim's t-shirts and Quinn's old pajama bottoms while his clothes are in the dryer.

"This is good, Quinn. Thanks."

"You're welcome" said Quinn, her maternal streak kicking in. After taking a sip of her own cocoa, Quinn asked "So, how's school? What grade are you in?"

"Second," said Ultra, "It's fine."

Quinn detected a note of sadness in the boys voice. "Are you sure?"

Ultra now looked nervous.

Quinn said "It's okay. You can tell me."

Sad, Ultra said "None of the other kids wanna play with me. They think I'm weird."

"Why?" Quinn asked out of genuine concern.

Ultra said "They say I have a weird name. They also tell me I'm stupid."

"I see." Quinn looks a little guilty. This reminds her of how she and Daria used to be. The only difference here is that Ultra's an outcast because he has a weird name. _Kid's can be so cruel_ she thought, _even I was. In fact, I was so cruel as a kid that I still feel bad about it._

"Am I weird?" asked Ultra.

Quinn said "You're not weird, just different."

Ultra asked "Is it always gonna be like this?"

 _Probably until you discover football_ Quinn thought. Out loud, she said "No, it gets better. You just have to find something you're good at and focus on that."

Ultra visibly feels better. "I'm good at football" he said.

Quinn couldn't help smiling. Not only was this boy the spitting image of Kevin but apparently had all of his father's gifts and shortcomings. _He's Kevin's son, alright. He's an outcast now, but once he starts playing football he'll probably become the most popular guy in school._

At this point, the doorbell rang.

"Excuse me" said Quinn as she got up and answered.

It was Kevin. "Have you seen Ultra? I was watching the game and he, like, disappeared."

* * *

 **Quinn and Jim's house, that evening...**  
 **Music:** "Round And Round" by Selena Gomez

Quinn and Jim were on the couch. Quinn was telling Jim about what happened.

"...so I told Kevin what happened and he said Ultra should know better. "

Jim said "Sounds like you hit it off with the kid."

"Yeah," said Quinn, " Apparently, Kevin never told Ultra not to wander into other peoples yards because he just assumed Ultra would know. I tried to explain that Ultra's only six, but it all seemed to fly over Kevin's head."

Stifling a laugh, Jim said "No surprise there."

Suddenly, the doorbell rings multiple times in rapid succesion. This was accompanied by frantic pounding.

"Who could that be?" Quinn wondered.

They both go to the door and open it. It's Ultra. He's crying and looks terrified.

"Ultra, what's wrong?" asked a concerned Quinn.

Terrified, Ultra admitted "I'm scared. Mom and Dad are fighting!"

Quinn and Jim both look concerned.

* * *

**Act III**   
**Kevin and Brittany's house, evening...**

Quinn and Jim were at the front door with Ultra. From inside, they heard Brittany shout "YOU JERK!!!!" followed by Kevin's voice loudly pleading "BUT, BABE...". Suddenly, there was the sound of an object being thrown and hitting something. This was followed by the sound of Kevin's voice. "OWWWWW!!!!!!!"

Quinn covered Ultra's ears and tried to soothe him. "Don't worry, Ultra. It'll be okay."

Jim rings the doorbell. Kevin answers.

"Jim, what're you doing here?"

* * *

**Kevin and Brittany's living room, a short time later...**

Quinn and Jim were now trying to mediate a dispute between Kevin and Brittany. Jim was in the process of saying his piece.

"...so, since your son showed up at our house frightened out of his mind I have just one question. What's going on here?"

Brittany hissed "I'm married to a jerk, that's what's going on!"

"Babe, I told you I didn't know Ultra went over there" Kevin pleaded.

Brittany shot back "Because you were watching the game instead of the kids!"

"But, babe..."

Brittany got right in Kevin's face. "He fell in Quinn and Jim's pool! He almost drowned!"

"But he didn't!" protested a frightened Kevin.

Brittany said "Because Quinn saved him, you jerk!"

She's about to punch Kevin when...

"ENOUGH!!!" Jim shouted. That got their attention.

Quinn said "Jim's right. You two are acting like kids. Have you even considered what kind of a poor example you're setting as parents?"

Kevin and Brittany now look guilty.

"That's what I thought," said Quinn, "Look, you need to keep an eye on your kids. Make sure they know what's okay and not okay. Seeing you yell and throw things at each other just sends a message that it's okay to do that to people. Keep an eye on the kids, make sure they can't get out of the house on their own and let them know that it's not alright to trespass on other people's property. I've already told Ultra those things but you need to tell the rest of your kids that stuff."

Kevin and Brittany seem to get it.

"Kevie, I'm sorry I got mad and hit you" said a now calm Brittany.

Kevin said "It's cool, babe. I'm sorry I wasn't keeping an eye on the kids."

Quinn was satisfied.

* * *

**Pizza Prince, a few days later...**

Quinn and Nicole were having lunch. Quinn was telling her about the latest incident with Kevin and Brittany.

"...so we finally got them to make up and hopefully they'll take my advice to heart."

After a slight giggle, Nicole said "Looks like taking care of your neighbors is getting to be a full time job."

Quinn said "It's a good thing Jim and I are both YouTuber's. Flexible hours and the ability to work from home go a long way when you live next door to the Thompsons. It's less like two parents and four kids and more like six kids without any adult supervision over there."

Nicole jokingly suggested "You could shoot a video of that family and send it to "Sick, Sad World"."

Quinn couldn't help giggling. "I wouldn't do that. Those kids have it bad enough without the public humiliation. I just hope there isn't any more drama for awhile. Whenever we resolve one issue another one just pops up to replace it."

"That's life for ya" said Nicole.

Quinn said "I can handle my own drama. I just can't seem to avoid being sucked into everyone else's. It gets annoying fast."

At this point Nicole decided to change the subject. "So, what's Jim up to today?"

Quinn said "He ordered some custom exhasuts for his car and they arrived today. He's making an instructional video on how to install them."

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later that same day...**

The garage door was open and Jim was working on his Camaro. A tripod mounted camcorder is filming.

"They finally arrived" Jim said to the camera. He then proceeded to open a large package. Inside were chrome exhausts. Jim held them up to the camera. "Today, I'm going to show you how to install custom exhausts on a car. The car in question is my trusty 1987 IROC-Z. The exhausts are Borla chrome racing exhausts. These babies will make my Camaro sound like a beast. "

Jim slid a huge jack under the car.

"To begin with, let's get this baby jacked up."

Jim jacked up the Camaro.

"Now, we're gonna put a jack stand under there."

Jim placed a jack stand under the car.

"Now that that's done, release the jack."

Jim released the jack.

"Now, we go to the other side of the car and jack that up."

**Much later...**

The car has a total of eight jack stands holding it up. Two on each side and two holding up each axle. Jim talks to the camera.

"Remember, when you do this always make sure the weight of the car is evenly distributed on the stands. An uneven distribution can result in the car crushing you while you're working on it."

Jim proceeded to get to work.

* * *

**Quite a while later...**

Having installed the exhausts Jim finished lowering the car.

**Meanwhile, just a few houses up the street...**

A yellow SUV was coming up the street. Inside, Kevin was driving while Brittany was in the passenger seat.

"Thanks for taking me shopping today, Kevie."

"Aw, Babe. You're, like worth it."

They kiss while Kevin continues to drive and NOT watch the road.

Back at Jim and Quinn's garage Jim was talking to the camera. "Now that we're done let's fire this baby up."

Jim pulls his car keys out of his pocket.

Out on the street and Kevin's SUV was coming up real fast on an elderly woman who's walking across. Neither Kevin nor Brittany saw that they were about to run down an old woman because they're still kissing. Breaking the kiss Brittany suddenly gasps as she sees that they're about to run over an old woman.

"KEVIN, WATCH OUT!!!!"

Kevin saw the old woman and panicked.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

He floors it and takes a sharp left turn. The SUV missed the old woman and tore across Jim and Quinn's lawn. As this happened Jim was getting into his car. Hearing the commotion Jim suddenly looked up and saw Kevin's SUV speeding right toward him.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

He jumped back and out of the way just in time. Kevin's SUV slammed into Jim's Camcro at high speed and crashed it through the wall. The impact knocked the wall down and brought Kevin's SUV to a stop. Jim's Camaro was completely destroyed. As Jim stared in wide eyed, open mouthed horror Kevin and Brittany emerged from the SUV a little shaken but otherwise unharmed.

Embarrassed, Kevin said "Um, Sorry."

Jim had an expression of rage on his face so intense that his right eye was twitching.

"YOU GODDAMN, MOTHERF&#%ING IDIOT!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!"

Jim lunged at Kevin and started to strangle him.

**A short time later...**

Quinn's car was coming up the road. Inside, Quinn was driving while Nicole was in the passenger seat.

Quinn said "I can't wait to show you my house. How about after I show you around we pick up Jamie and you two can stay for dinner?"

Smiling, Nicole said "Quinn, I'd love to."

Suddenly, Quinn noticed a huge crowd in her driveway.

"What the hell!?!"

She parked her car on the side of the street. She and Nicole got out and walked up the driveway. They both gasp in horror when they see what's going on. Inside the garage the back wall was knocked down, Jim's car was totaled, Kevin's SUV was banged up, Kevin was pinned under Jim, Jim was beating Kevin senseless and Brittany was hitting Jim's back and shoulders but Jim was too focused on Kevin to notice.

"LEAVE...KEVY...ALONE.." Brittany shouted between hits.

Between his own strikes, Jim yelled "YOU...DESTROYED...MY...CAR...MORON...ALL...THOSE...YEARS....DOWN...THE...DRAIN..."

All Kevin could say was "...OW...OW...OW...OW...OW...OW...OW...OW...OW...OW...OOOWWWWWWW..."

Quinn and Nicole watched this in dismay. Quinn looked absolutely horrified while Nicole looked like she didn't know what to say.

Awkward, Nicole said "Um...Home, sweet home?"

Quinn buried her face in her right hand out of embarrassment. "Unfortunately."

**End Episode**


	3. Strange Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sandi has a girlfriend, but said girlfriend has a crush on Quinn.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by ashot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and a guy on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Strange Love"**   
**story by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**Carbone House, Yorktown, VA, Oct. 10, 1997...**

In the living room Jim was opening presents in front of his parents, Tony and Gina. Also present were his brother, Chris, and his Uncle, Vito, who'd come down from NYC. The occassion was Jim's sixteenth birthday. Jim opens one of his presents. It's a video game.

"Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3! Thanks, Chris!"

Eighteen year old Chris said "No problem, baby bro."

Jim rolled his eyes. While he and Chris were starting to get along better Jim still found it annoying when Chris called him that.

With a sly grin, Vito said "Hey, Jimmy, open mine next."

"Which one is it?" asked Jim.

"It's outside."

**Outside, a short time later...**

A blue 1987 Camaro IROC-Z in need of restoration was parked in the driveway. It's Vito's car. The rest of the family was standing there while Vito had a sly grin.

"Where is it?" asked Jim.

Pointing to the Camaro, Vito said "You're lookin' at it."

Everyone gasped as Vito handed the keys to a stunned Jim.

Taking the keys, Jim said "You....You're giving me your old car!?"

Vito said "Well, you're old enough to drive, aren't ya? What else would I give youse? Granted, it needs a little restoration, but you're smart enough to figure it out."

Jim hugged his uncle. "Thanks, Uncle Vito."

"Don' mention it, kid."

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, Lawndale, Maryland, 2009...**

In the home office Quinn was on the phone at her desk while Jim was sitting at his desk looking depressed. He just stared at an object in his hands. The object was a large joystick with a leather eight ball on top. It's the gearshift from his old Camaro, the one Kevin destroyed. Staring at the old shifter made Jim feel like a parent grieving the loss of a child.

Quinn, meanwhile, was arguing on the phone. "What do you mean it's not covered!? A whole section of the wall was destroyed...No, it wasn't a natural disaster...No, it wasn't criminal activity.." Her frustration mounted as she proceeded to explain. "Look, my idiot neighbor crashed his SUV into my garage. He took out the wall AND destroyed my fiance's car..."

Hearing that reminder elicited a sigh from Jim.

Now angry, Quinn hissed into the phone "Don't you give me that!" She held up a thick stack of papers that was on her desk. "I have the contract right here in front of me." Whatever the insurance agent was saying prompted Quinn to make a very credible threat. "Hold up your end or the next time you hear from me it'll be through a lawyer." Quinn calmed down as the agent took her threat of legal action seriously. "Glad you finally see the light of reason...Pleasure doing business."

She hangs up and breathes a sigh of relief.

"For a moment there I thought I was gonna have to sic Mom on him."

She looked over at Jim and saw how thoroughly depressed he is. She walked over to him and rubbed his shoulders.

"Jim, honey, I know you're upset about your car being destroyed, but isn't this a bit much?"

Jim said "You don't understand, Quinn. I've had that car since I was sixteen. I spent several months restoring it. Over the years I've made several modifications to improve both the speed and handling. Add to that all of the fond memories. Nearly twelve years of blood, sweat, tears and memories destroyed in the blink of an eye. It was like witnessing the murder of my own child."

Quinn tried to cheer him up. "Try looking at it this way: you collect the insurance money and get a new car with it. I'll even take you car shopping tomorrow. In the meantime, try to put on a happy face tonight."

Puzzled, Jim asked "What's happening tonight?"

Quinn said "Sandi has a new girlfriend and we're meeting her on a double date. Try not to dwell on this and just have a good time. Please?"

Jim nodded.

Kissing him on the cheek, Quinn said "Thanks, babe. You're the best." She kissed him again.

* * *

 **Governoer's Park restaurant, that evening...**  
 **Music:** "According To You" by Orianthi

Quinn and Jim were outside waiting for Sandi and her new girlfriend to arrive. They soon noticed a red 2007 Mustang GT pull into a parking lot. Once the Mustang was parked Sandi emerged from the passenger side. From the driver's side emerged an olive skinned beauty with black hair styled in a manner similar to Quinn's.

"There they are" said Quinn.

Taken by the raven haired beauty with Sandi, Jim said "Whoa! Sandi's girlfriend is hot."

Sandi and her girlfriend walked up to Quinn and Jim.

Sandi said "Quinn, Jim, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Danielle Todds."*

*( **A/N:** I'm assuming legendelds permission for anyone to use this character still stands.)

Turning to her new girlfriend, Sandi said "Danny, these are my good friends. Quinn Morgendorffer and Jim Carbone."

Danielle shook Quinn's hand. "Pleasure to meet you, Miss Morgendorffer."

Smiling politely, Quinn said "Please, Danielle, call me Quinn. Besides, it's gonna be Mrs. Carbone in a few months anyway."

Smiling back, the exotic beauty said "Okay, Quinn. And please, call me Danny."

Danny then turned her attention to Jim. "So, Jim, you and Quinn are getting married, huh?"

As they shook hands, Jim said "So it seems. You aren't gonna try to steal me away, are you?"

Laughing, Danny said "I doubt it. Sandi's the bi one. I'm a full blown lesbian with zero interest in guys."

They all laughed. Quinn and Sandi weren't the least bit threatened by Jim's flirtation because they know it's all talk with him.

**Inside the restaurant, a short time later...**

All four were seated at a table, which happened to be the exact same table where the Fashion Club had celebrated Stacy's seventeenth birthday in Is It College Yet. Danny was telling the story of how she and Sandi met.

"...so I was shopping at Cashmans and I saw Sandi there. I recognized her because I'd seen her dancing at Cafe Risque a few nights earlier. I just went right up to her and struck up a conversation. We hit it off and everything progressed from there."

With a playfully wicked grin, Sandi said "She didn't tell me that she recognized me from Cafe Risque until our second date, though."

Danny said "I didn't wanna make things awkward by admitting right away that I knew Sandi was a stripper, so I kept my mouth shut until we'd established a connection."

Feeling a little protective of her friend but being nice about it, Quinn said "So, it doesn't bother you that she's an exotic dancer?"

"Not at all," said Danny, "Especially since I'm well aware of Cafe Risque's strict look but don't touch policy. Truth be told, Sandi and I have a lot in common. We have a love of all things fashionable."

"Isn't the great?" Sandi asked with a smile.

Quinn and Jim nodded approvingly. It's been a long time since Sandi's been this happy.

Keeping up the conversation, Danny said "So, Quinn, I'd ask what you do but I already follow your YouTube channel. Those recipies and makeup tips really help."

Quinn blushed from the praise. Not only was Danny really cool, but she's a fan of "S'mores 'n' Pores". They continued to make small talk. Danny gave Quinn a lustful look, but no one noticed.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later that night...**

Quinn and Jim were in bed getting ready to call it a night. Quinn was wearing a yellow tank top while Jim was in a wife beater.

"That double date was fun" said Jim.

"I know," said Quinn, "I haven't seen Sandi this happy in a very long time."

Jim suddenly looked a little aprehensive as he recalled an incident from a year prior. "The last time she was this happy her boyfriend turned out to be gay and using her as a beard."

Seeming to shrug off the concern, Quinn said "Well, since Danny's a girl and openly lesbian I don't think we have to worry about that this time around. What do you think of her?"

Jim said "Danny's pretty cool. She seems to be the best of both worlds. She's into fashion and shopping just like Sandi. At the same time, she's also into cars, just like me. But since she's not into guys we don't have to worry about a repeat of the "Jessica" incident."

Quinn winced a little at the memory of another woman trying to seduce Jim. She regained her composure as she remembered that Jim didn't stray, even with a half-naked Jessica literally throwing herself at him and begging for sex. "I was actually really proud of you for not giving in. Most other guys would've slept with her without any hesitation."*

*( **Author's note:** It happened in the season 3 episode "Temptation")

Jim smiled at the praise. "I'm not most guys. You're all the woman I want."

Quinn smiled and blushed a little. "Jim, even after four years you still make me feel special."

"Because you are" Jim said.

Hearing her finace say that made Quinn feel loved...and horny. "Come here.

She pulled him into a passionate and they started to make out. Soon, they were ripping each others clothes off and proceeded to have sex until they were both totally spent.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, the next day...**

Quinn and Jim were getting ready to leave. They were going to the car dealership to replace the Camaro that Kevin destroyed.

"So, are you excited about looking for a new car?" Quinn asked.

"A little," said Jim, "Are you sure you wanna do this? I can get one of the guys to give me a ride."

Quinn said "Jim, I promised you we'd go car shopping. I can probably flirt the dealer into selling below MSRP."

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

"Who could that be?" Quinn wondered.

She answered the door. It was Sandi and Danny.

Pleasantly surprised, Quinn asked "Guys, what's going on?"

Sandi said "Danny and I were going to go shopping when she got a terrific idea."

Danny explained "I figured since you and Sandi are such good friends we should get to know each other a little better. So I suggested we swing by here and ask if you'd like to join us."

Tempted by the offer, Quinn said "Guys, I'd like to but I promised to take Jim car shopping today. Kevin destroyed his Camaro."

"So, bring him along" said Sandi.

Added Danny "Yeah, my car seats four. It might be a little cramped since it's a Mustang, but it'll work."

Jim approached. "What's going on?"

Ignoring Jim, Sandi said "Come on, Kuh-winn. We've hardly hung out since you moved."

"Yeah, it'll be fun" added Danny.

Quinn looked unsure. She turned to Jim. "Jim, slight change of plans. We're going with Sandi and Danny?"

Jim was slightly taken aback. "But, Quinn..."

Danny interrupted. "We'll stop at the car dealership first."

"Come on" Sandi pleaded.

Swayed, Quinn said "Okay. Let's go, Jim."

Jim frowned at the prospect of riding in the back of a Mustang.*

*(if you've ever ridden in the back of a muscle car you know why he'd find that unpleasant)

* * *

**Act II**   
**A Parking lot at a car dealership...**

Danny's Mustang pulled into a parking space. Danny then emerged from the driver's side while Sandi emerged from the passenger side. After this both women folded the front seats forward so Quinn and Jim could climb out of the car. Quinn emerged from the passenger side while Jim emerged from the driver's side in record time. He tried to stretch out the kinks in his joints. I felt like a damn sardine in there.

Danny said "Well, here we are."

Jim scanned the lot for something that catches his eye. He spotted a possibility. The car was a Chevy SS Sedan. He walked over but out of the corner of his eye saw the girls getting back in the Mustang.

"Where are you going!?"

Sandi said "Shopping, duh."

Taken aback, Jim said "You three are just leaving me here!?"

Dismissive, Danny said "It's not like you're gonna need a ride back."

"But what if I don't buy a car?" Jim asked.

Quinn visibly felt guilty. "Guys, maybe he's right. If he winds up not buying a car he'll need a ride home."

Sandi said "So? He can just call you on his cell if that's the case."

"She's right, Quinn" Danny added. She then completely forgot about Jim and said "Come on, the mall awaits."

Reluctant, Quinn said "Maybe I should stay with Jim."

Danny played her trump card. "Quinn, what's more fun? Helping your fiance buy a car or shopping with your best friend and her girlfriend?"

Sweetening the pot, Sandi said "She's right, Quinn. When's the last time we had a girls day out?"

Quinn turned to Jim.

"I'll be fine" said Jim in a tone that was anything but convincing.

Taking her fiance at his word Quinn joined Sandi and Danny. As she got into Danny's car Danny stared at her ass, but no one noticed.

 _Damn, she's hot._ Danny suddenly shook her head. _Stop it! She's straight and I already have a girlfriend._

More than a little annoyed, Jim watched as they drove off. Suddenly, there's a clap of thunder and it starts to rain.

"I can't freaking believe this."

* * *

 **Lawndale Mall, later...**  
 **Music:** "California Gurls" by Katy Perry

Quinn, Sandi and Danny were walking through the mall looking at stores. Sandi and Danny were holding hands and exchanging affectionate glances, not even trying to hide the fact that they're a lesbian couple. (Or a girl-girl couple where one is a lesbian and the other is bi.) Quinn felt guilty about ditching her fiance to go shopping with friends.

"So, which store should we check out first?" asked Sandi.

In a flirty tone, Danny said "You pick, lover."

Turning to her friend, Sandi asked "Quinn, any ideas?" When Quinn didn't answer some of Sandi's old haughtiness returned. "Earth to Quinn?"

Snapping back to the present, Quinn said "Sorry. I was just thinking about Jim. I feel bad about leaving him there. Especially since it's raining."

"Quinn, it's not like we left him stranded in the woods" replied Sandi with an eye roll.

Quinn said "No, but it was still inconsiderate to blow him off to go shopping. I did promise to help him buy a new car after all."

Danny had to admit that Quinn had a point. "Now that I think about it we were pretty thoughtless. Maybe we should find some way to make it up to him." Danny proceeded to scan the area. She soon spotted a lingerie store called "Madamme Amour". Grinning, Danny said "I've got an idea. Come on."

**Madamme Amour, a short time later...**

Danny, Sandi and Quinn were going through the racks. Danny held up a hot lacy red bra with matching thong panties. "How about this one, Quinn?" Danny asked, "One look at you in this sexy number will get Jim to forgive anything."

Sandi said "She's right, Quinn. You'd look irresistably sexy in that." Turning to Danny, Sandi's voice took on a seductive tone. "Not as sexy as you, though."

Blushing, Danny said "Come here, hottie."

Danny and Sandi started to make out. Danny gave Sandi's ass a squeeze, which caused Sandi to moan into Danny's mouth.

This PDA made Quinn more than a little uncomfortable. "Um...guys..We're in public. You might wanna tone it down a little."

Danny and Sandi released each other. They look a little embarrassed.

"Sorry about that" said Sandi.

Danny added "Yeah. I guess we got a little carried away."

Quinn picked up the bra and panty set that Danny dropped when she started making out with Sandi. She gave it a quick glance. "I'll buy it."

Smiling, Sandi said "You have to model it for us at some point, Quinn."

Danny added "Yeah, we'd love to see you in it." Absent mindedly, she also thought _And I'd love to peel it off of you._ Danny shook her head. _I did NOT just think that!_

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, that evening...**

In the living room Quinn was trying to apologize to Jim, but he's clearly not in a forgiving mood at the moment.

"Jim, I know it was wrong to blow you off after that. I'm sorry."

Clearly irritated, Jim said "You blew me off to hang out with your friends and left me in the rain."

Quinn explained "We came back to pick you up but you weren't there. We just assumed you got a car."

Jim hissed "No, I called Chuck and he gave me a ride home."

Knowing she'd screwed up, Quinn said "Jim, please..."

Jim cut her off, his anger getting the better of him. "Piss off!"

Quinn took offense. "Excuse me!"

Clearly in a fighting mood, Jim said "You heard me."

Quinn went straight into attack mode. "Don't take it out on me just because your stupid car got wrecked!"

Determined to win this spat, Jim said "At least that car never blew me off for a spur of the moment trip to the mall."

Quinn stood up and got right in Jim's face. "Hey, I said I was sorry for that!"

Refusing to take any shit, Jim said "What do you expect? I say "all is forgiven", get on my knees and worship you? Not happening."

Angry, Quinn played her trump card. "If that's how you feel maybe you should sleep on the couch tonight."

Jim was NOT letting her get the last shot in. "Beats waking up to your morning breath!"

Quinn felt insecure and lost her will to fight after that one. Jim saw sleeping on the couch as a small price to pay for victory.

* * *

 **Sandi's apartment building, evening...**  
 **Music:** "Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa

Sandi and Danny were doing something I won't describe in detail since I want to keep things PG-13. I will say that Danny REALLY enjoyed what Sandi was doing to her at that moment.

"Ohhh....yes...Oh...right there...uh...huh..Oh, Sandi...Mmmmmm...yes...YES...OH, QUINN, YES..."

Sandi immediately stopped what she was doing. "WHAT!?!"

**A short time later...**

Danny and Sandi were on the couch. Danny was zipping her pants up while Sandi looked pissed.

"Sandi, I said I was sorry."

"You called me Quinn while I was going down on you," Sandi growled, "What the hell!?"

Danny said "I didn't mean anything by it, honest. It just slipped out."

"Are you attracted to her?" asked Sandi in an accusing tone.

Taken aback, Danny said "What!?"

"Answer me!" Sandi barked.

Danny sighed. She took a deep breath before admitting "Yes."

Sandi eyed her girlfriend with suspicion and waited for an explanation.

"Look" said Danny, "I developed a slight crush on her while watching her YouTube channel. When you introduced us I couldn't help being attracted to her. I'll get over it."

Sandi briefly fantasized about clawing both Danny and Quinn's faces of. Calming down, she said "Whatever."

"Come on, don't be like that," Danny pleaded, "Haven't you ever had a celebrity crush?"

Trying to keep her anger in check, Sandi said "Yes, but this is different. Quinn isn't some unattainable Hollywood heartthrob. We actually know her."

Danny explained "Look, Sandi, I know Quinn's straight. That makes her just as unattainable. I'm with you, not her."

"Do you have any idea how awkward this is for me?" Sandi asked. "My girlfriend has a crush on my best friend."

"I get it" said Danny. After a brief pause, she said "Look, I'm interested in you. My feelings for Quinn are an unattainable fantasy, nothing more. I want you."

"How can I be sure?" asked Sandi.

Danny smiled seductively. "If I wasn't into you, would I do this?" Danny suddenly grabbed Sandi, pulled her onto her lap and kissed her passionately. Danny even moaned into Sandi's mouth for emphasis.

"Mmmmmmmmm."

Sandi was only shocked for a moment before she kissed Danny back with equal passion, also moaning into her mouth.

"mmmmmmm...mmmmm."

The kiss broke and they stared lustfully into each other's eyes.

"Wanna stay the night?" asked Sandi, "You, me, my bed, no clothes and probably not much actual sleep either."

Grinning, Danny said "You read my mind, sexy."

Sandi lead Danny to her bedroom. Both girls shed their shirts along the way.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, the next day...**

Danny walked up to the front door and rang the bell.

_I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm irresistably drawn to her._

Quinn opened the door. "Hi, Danny. What's going on?"

To avoid giving a stalker vibe, Danny said "I was in the neighborhood and figured I'd check on you and Jim. Did that lingerie do the trick?"

Frowning, and suspecting no alterior motives, Quinn said "I never got the chance to show it to him."

Puzzled, Danny asked "How come?"

"He was more upset than I realized," said Quinn, "When I tried to apologize we got into a fight and he slept on the couch."

Sympathetic, and sensing an 'in', Danny said "Ouch. Is he here? I'd actually like to apologize to him too."

Quinn said "He got a call from Happy Herb's car dealership this morning. He said they have a business proposition for him. He rushed off to meet them right after that."

"You didn't go with him?"

"I offered and he said no" Quinn explained. Frowning, she said "I guess he's still upset about yesterday. Hopefully, by the time he gets back he'll have calmed down enough to make up."

God, she's beautiful Danny thought. Out Loud, she said "He should. You two are such a great couple."

Quinn said "I can't say I blame him for being upset. We did kind of give him the cold shoulder."

"Wanna talk about it?"

Not suspecting any alterior motive, Quinn said "Sure. Come on in."

Quinn lets Danny into the house.

* * *

**Act III**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, day...**

Quinn and Danny were sitting on the couch. Quinn was telling Danny about her fight with Jim.

"...and then he told me he can't stand my breath in the morning."

Danny limited her response to a simple "Ew."

"I know, it was so childish."

Danny said "I wouldn't get too worked up about it, though. This sounds like one of those minor spats all couples have. It'll probably fizzle out on it's own."

"I hope so" said Quinn. Now wanting to change the subject, she asked "So, how's Sandi?"

"She's good," said Danny, "I actually slept over at her place last night."

Quinn had a sly smile. "You didn't do much sleeping, did you?"

"Nope."

They exchanged knowing grins.

"I'm glad she found you," said Quinn, "Sandi's been through so much over the years. She deserves some happiness for a change."

Danny agreed. "I know. She told me how her family disowned her after she came out as bi."

Genuinely curious, Quinn asked "What about you? Does your family know you're a lesbian?"

"They know," said Danny, "My parents are okay with it. My sister, on the other hand, not so much."

Quinn felt a little guilty. "I see. I'm sorry."

"What about you?" asked Danny, "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"One sister, Daria. We didn't have the best relationship growing up?"

Seeing the parallels, Danny asked "How come?"

Quinn explained "We were complete opposites. I was always very outgoing while she was a loner who preferred books to socializing. All of the other kids thought she was weird. I was so embarrassed that I claimed to be an only child."

"Ouch."

Quinn went on. "I eventually stopped doing that. As I got older I came to realize just how much my family means to me. Daria and I get along great now. We've long since buried the hatchet. She's one of my best friends."

Danny had a hopeful smile. "Maybe someday my sister will learn to accept me too."

Quinn put a sympathetic hand on Danny's shoulder. "I'm sure she loves you, Danny, even if she can't bring herself to admit it."

Danny smiled.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Happy Herb's car dealership...**

In Herb's office Jim was seated in front of Herb's desk.

Herb said "I heard you were in the market for a new car. By the way, I've seen your YouTube channel."

"You have?"

"Yes," said Herb, "Did you see that silver 2010 Camaro SS in my showroom?"

"I did," said Jim, "It's a nice car."

Smiling, Herb said "I want you to have it."

Not quite getting his meaning, Jim asked "You want to sell me a brand new Camaro SS?"

Herb grinned. "Actually, I wanna give it to you for free."

Jim's eyes went wide and his jaw dropped. "What!?" Not quite believing the car salesman, Jim said "If this is a joke it isn't funny."

Herb explained "No joke. Hear's the deal. I give you the car in exchange for you agreeing to feature it in one of your videos. It's the best advertising I can get at the moment."

"So, you're offering me the car as part of a sponsorship deal?"

"Exactly," said Herb, "One video where you feature the car and where you got it and the car's yours. Any subsequent videos where you mention Happy Herb's will earn you direct monetary compensation."

Jim studied Herbs face for a moment. "You're actually serious, aren't you?"

Herb pulled some paperwork out of his desk. "I have the contract right here."

Jim grinned. This was a dream come true.

* * *

 **Back at Quinn and Jim's house...**  
 **Music:** "I'm So Into You" by Tamia

_I_   
_Really like_   
_What you've_   
_Done to me_   
_I can't really explain it_   
_I'm so into you_

Quinn and Danny were still making conversation in the living room.

"You're kidding," said an amused Danny, "You actually had three guys lusting after you all through high school."

"Afraid so," Quinn admitted, "I encouraged it because I liked the attention."

Stifling a laugh, Danny said "They probably didn't need that much encouragement. After all, you're beautiful."

Quinn smiled. "Thanks, and thanks for listening to me about my problems."

"My pleasure," said Danny, "You're a wonderful person to know."

Not thinking how her words could be misinterpreted, Quinn said "So are you, Danny. So are you."

Danny leaned in closer.

"You're beautiful, smart, funny and caring."

She leaned in some more. Quinn began to feel a little uncomfortable.

"I like you, Quinn. Any man, or woman, would be lucky to have you."

Danny and Quinn's faces were almost toughing at this point.

"I think you're the most incredible woman I've ever seen. You're an angel."

Quinn froze like a deer caught in headlights. Her mind drew a blank and all Quinn could do was sit there as Danny kissed her on the lips. Too shocked to react, Quinn sat there as Danny kissed and slipped in some tongue. Having Danny's tongue in her mouth snapped Quinn out of her shock. She immediately shoved Danny off of her and put as much distance between them as she could.

"Danny, what the hell!?"

Realizing that she'd just crossed a major line, Danny said "Quinn, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me just now."

Quinn said "Danny, I'm straight. Even if I were into girls there's the fact that I'd be betraying both Jim and Sandi if I hooked up with you."

Suddenly feeling guilty, Danny said "I know." She then hung her head and sighed. "Quinn, I have a confession to make. When I first started watching your videos I felt an instant attraction to you. I wrote it off as a celebrity crush. Then I started dating Sandi and finding out she was friends with you made my heart skip a beat. I thought I could handle it but I can't. I can't help it, I want you."

Quinn sat there in stunned silence. She really didn't know what to say.

Seeing the shock and horror on Quinn's face, Danny said "I think I'd better go now."

Finding her voice, Quinn said "That'd probably be best."

Without another word Danny got up and hurriedly walked out of the house. Once she was gone Quinn picked up the phone and dialed a number.

"Hey, Sandi, it's Quinn...Look, there's something you need to know. You might wanna sit down for this."

* * *

**A small house in Lawndale, that evening...**

Danielle Todds paces nervously around her living room. She kept thinking about what she'd done.

_How could I be so stupid? I know she's not into girls and what do I do? I kiss her. I kissed my girlfriend's best friend. What do I tell Sandi? In fact, how do I feel about Sandi? Did I get in a relationship with her just to have access to Quinn?_

At this point, the doorbell rang. Danny opened her front door to find a VERY pissed off Sandi standing right there.

"Sandi, I..."

Before Danny could get another word out Sandi slapped her so hard that she fell to the floor.

"HOW COULD YOU!?! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!?! WITH MY BEST FRIEND!?!"

Sandi immediately started to pound on Danny.

Curling up to shield herself from Sandi's attack, Danny blurted out "I DIDN'T MEAN TO, IT JUST HAPPENED!"

Pulling back, but ready to resume her assault at the slightest provocation, Sandi yelled "HOW COULD SHE!?!"

"SHE SHOVED ME OFF OF HER, SHE WANTED NO PART OF IT! THE BLAME'S ALL MINE!"

**A few minutes later...**

Having both calmed down Sandi and Danny were on the couch. Danny proceeded to explain.

"Sandi, I'm truly sorry. If I could take it all back I would."

Struggling to contain her rage, Sandi said "You told me it was just a celebrity crush, that you wouldn't do anything. Next thing I know Quinn calls me out of the blue and tells me you kissed her."

Shamefaced, Danny said "I know, I was stupid. I never wanted to hurt you, I swear."

Sandi growled "I told you on our first date that I knew Quinn, the same Quinn you clearly have a thing for. Is this whole relationship just to get to her?"

Danny sighed. "I've been asking myself that same question and I honestly don't know. I like to think what I feel for you is real and meeting my celebrity crush is just a bonus. But what if I'm kidding myself? What if I'm just in denial because I don't wanna accept being a selfish manipulator? Have I been manipulating myself?"

Sandi raised an eyebrow. She was clearly fighting the urge to punch Danny in the mouth. "And?"

"I don't know," Danny admitted, "I thought I did, but the more I think about it the more confused I become."

Sandi was devastated as she knew there was no salvaging the relationship after this. "I...see."

Danny took a deep breath. "I think we should break up. I can't be in a relationship where I have a crush on my girlfriend's best friend. It's just too awkward and confusing."

Sandi said nothing but looked very thoughtful.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later that same evening...**

Jim and Quinn were sitting on the living room couch. Jim has just told her about his experience at the car dealership. Quinn could hardly contain her excitement.

"OHMYGOD!!! You got a new car and an endorsement deal!"

"Yep," said Jim with a proud smile, "In exchange for a few name drops I get a free Camaro and money. Not a bad deal. By the way, sorry I was so pissy last night."

Quinn said "That's okay, Jim. I deserved it. I shouldn't have blown you off to go shopping with friends. Forgive me?"

"Of course."

They kissed.

"So, how was your day?" asked Jim.

Nervous, Quinn said "Sandi's girlfriend, Danny, came over...and kissed me."

Jim's eyes went wide. "You're not kidding."

Quinn shook her head.

"I don't know whether to feel jealous or turned on" Jim joked. After allowing himself a brief laugh, He asked "Did you tell Sandi?"

"I did."

"How'd she take it?"

Before Quinn could answer the doorbell rang. Quinn and Jim both answered the door. It's Sandi, and she looked sad.

"Quinn" said Sandi, "I need to talk to you." Upon seeing Jim, she added "Alone."

Jim immediately understood. "I'll take Storm for a walk." He proceeded to get the leash. "Hey, Storm. Here boy." Storm immediately ran up to Jim. Jim put the leash on the dog and left. Once he's gone Sandi comes in and closes the door behind her.

"Look" said Quinn, "I didn't mean to do anything. I shoved Danny off when she kissed me."

Relieved to know that Quinn truly was an innocent victim in all of this, Sandi said "I know." After a brief pause, she added "Danny and I broke up."

Quinn felt guilty. Even though she didn't do anything she couldn't help feeling like this was all her fault. "Sandi, I'm so sorry."

Sandi wiped a tear off her cheek. "This always happens to me. I think my life is finally turning around only to get knocked right back where I started."

Quinn decided to ask one very important question before she lost her nerve. Even though she was blameless this was still a very uncomfortable situation. "Um...Are we still friends?"

Sandi sighed. "To be honest, that's what I need to talk about. This whole thing is just awkward. I don't blame you for what happened but I still need time to get over it."

Quinn was afraid what that meant. "Sandi, what are you saying?"

Sandi sighed again. This was hard, but had to be done. "We can't be friends anymore. At least not for a while."

Quinn felt like she'd been punched in the gut. "B...But, Sandi..."

Cutting her friend off, Sandi explained "It's nothing against you, Quinn. You didn't do anything wrong. Not only that, but you were there for me at times when everyone else turned me away. Truth is, you're the best friend I've ever had." Sandi took a deep breath to suppress her urge to cry. "The plain fact is, however, I need time to get over this. I can't do that when I have someone in my life who's a constant reminder of this latest hurt."

Quinn understood. Sandi's now ex-girlfriend had made a play for her best friend. It was only natural that would make things awkward for the time being. "I...I understand." After a pause, Quinn asked "Is this forever, or just for now?"

"Hopefully, just for now," said Sandi, "When I'm ready to be friends with you again I'll let you know. In the meantime, I want nothing to do with you."

Sandi then hugged Quinn.

After the hug, Sandi said "In case this really is the end I want you to know that I'll never forget you."

Struggling not to cry, Quinn said "And I'll never forget you."

"Goodbye, Quinn."

"Goodbye, Sandi."

With nothing more left to say Sandi walked out the door. Once she was gone a tear started to roll down Quinn's cheek.

**End Episode**

* * *

**Author's Note**  
Danielle "Danny" Todds created by legendeld. When he left the fandom he graciously left a blank check for anyone to use the character. I assume that still stands. If I'm wrong then I apologize. Thanks to legendeld for creating this character.


	4. Semper Infidelis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie takes Jim and Chuck hunting. Brittany forces them to bring Kevin along. Kevin in the woods with a rifle, what could possibly go wrong? At the same time, Quinn finds another woman's panties in Jim's new car while Brittany gets a little too personal with her personal trainer.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and a guy on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Semper Infidelis"**   
**story by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, day...**

In the kitchen Quinn has just placed a tray of fudge brownies on the counter and was coating them in chocolate frosting. In front of her was a camcorder on a tripod. As she finished coating the brownies Quinn spoke to the camera.

"And there you have it, my recipie for fudge brownies. Just be sure to add an extra ten minutes on the treadmill after you enjoy. After all, muffin tops are soooooo not this season. Like and subscride. Well, that's all for now. Be sure to join me next time for more "S'mores 'n' Pores". Cooking good while looking good. Bye."

She then turned off the camera and made her way to the garage.

**The garage, a few seconds later...**

Jim was oiling a Remington 700 rifle when Quinn entered. "Hey, Jim" she said. Upon seeing what her fiance was doing, Quinn asked "What's with the rifle?"

Jim said "Jamie's gotten so used to his prosthetics that he doesn't need a cane to walk in them anymore. He was going stir crazy and decided it was time for a challenge, so he invited me and Chuck to go deer hunting this weekend."

Dismissive, Quinn aksed "What is it with guys and killing animals?"

"What?" said Jim, "I like to hunt."

Like the animal lover she is, Quinn said "But think about those poor deer."

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "Quinn, I know you're not a vegetarian. I've seen you eat meat before. "

"I know, but I didn't kill it."

"Someone had to," said Jim, "The last time you ate a hamburger, you think that cow died of old age?"

Thinking about this, Quinn immediately saw Jim's point. "I guess you're right," she admitted, "I still don't like it."

Jim explained "That's why I didn't invite you. Jamie and Chuck aren't bringing Nicole and Stacy along for the same reason." After a brief pause, he added "Also, this is more about male bonding anyway."

Jim then gave his rifle a quick once over. "Well, this baby's clean and ready to go. I'm gonna take it over to Jamie's real quick. We're using his truck." He kissed Quinn on the cheek. "Be back soon, babe."

"Okay, hon."

Jim opened the garage, started his new Camaro, and drove off.

* * *

**A small one-story house in Lawndale, a short time later...**

Jamie and Nicole had recently followed Jim and Quinn's lead and traded up from an apartment to a house. The garage door was open. Jim, Jamie and Chuck were in there loading their gear into Jamie's pickup truck. After months of physical therapy Jamie was now able to walk entirely unaided, his artificial legs concealed by his pants. In fact, by now Jamie's walking so well on his new legs that if one didn't know better then one would swear thay were his natural legs.

"I can't wait to be out in the woods," Jamie said excitedly, "An excursion into the great outdoors is just what we need."

"I second that one" added Jim while Chuck nodded in agreement.

Just then, Kevin pulled up the driveway in his SUV. He steps out and approaches them.

"Yo, Jim, Upchuck, um...Jeremy! What's up?"

As Chuck frowned at being addressed by his old nickname Jamie said "I'm Jamie".

"Like, whatever," said Kevin, "So...uh...Johnny?...What are you guys up to?"

As Jamie groaned in frustration, Chuck said "Jamie's taking us hunting this weekend."

Kevin's eyes lit up. "Cool! I've always wanted to go hunting."

Knowing all of the ways it could go wrong if he's with them, Jamie said "Kevin, you're not going."

Kevin was a little hurt. "Why not?"

Jim tried to patiently explain. "Kevin, this is a potentially hazardous outing and, frankly, you have a history of screwing these things up royally."

Offended, Kevin said "That's, like, a total lie, dude."

Jim proceeded to give the former QB a reality check. "Remember that time you tried to put out a small fire with hard liquor?"

"Yeah" said Kevin, though he clearly hasn't made the connection.

Jim said "Remember how the flames kept getting bigger until they burned down the whole house?"

"Aw, Come on," Kevin protested, "It wasn't that bad."

Chuck added his two cents. "Kevin, I was there. You burned down your own house."*

*(It happened in the season 2 episode "Fashionable Reunion")

"But I don't have anything to do this weekend" Kevin whined.

"And how is this our problem?" Jamie asked with an eye roll.

Before Kevin could say anything a red Corvette convertable pulled into Jamie and Nicole's driveway. Brittany got out of the passenger seat. The driver, a muscular black man wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt and skinny jeans with short hair and a neatly trimmed mustache, also got out and approached.

Brittany said "Hey, Kevie, Chuck, Jim....uh...Jamael!?"

"Jamie!"

Kevin pointed to the muscular black man that's with Brittany. "Allow me to introduce Brittany's new personal trainer, Daryl Johnson."

"Hey, guys" said Daryl as he proceeded to shake each guy's hand.

Turning to her husband, Brittany asked "So, Kevie, have you arranged something to keep you out of the house this weekend?"

Saddened, Kevin said "Sorry, babe, but they won't let me go hunting with them."

Brittany was particularly upset by this. "But, Kevie, I need the whole house to myself so me and Daryl can...um...."

"Exercise" Daryl chimed in.

"Yeah, exercise."

Jim, Chuck and Jamie smell a rat while Kevin suspects absolutely nothing.

Adamant, Jamie said "I'm not taking Kevin hunting."

Desperate, Kevin asked "Jim, can I stay with Quinn this weekend?" Turning to Chuck, Kevin said "Or Chuck, can I stay with Stacy? I can help her with the baby."

Jim and Chuck immediately gave Jamie a "help me" look.

Sighing, Jamie said "Okay, fine. Kevin, you can come hunting with us."

"Cool!" said Kevin, "Thanks, Jeremy."

Jamie let out a frustrated sigh.

Turning to Brittany, Daryl said in a suggestive tone "So, Brittany, let's get back to the gym."

Brittany blushed and practically skips into the Corvette. Once they're both in the car Brittany stroked Daryl's thigh and kissed him on the cheek as he starts to drive. While the other three guys saw this Kevin didn't notice the display of affection between his wife and her personal trainer.

"I'd worry about leaving Britt alone for the weekend," said Kevin, "Good thing Daryl's gonna be there to keep an eye on her."

As Kevin got in his SUV, Jim turned to the other guys. "Please tell me I'm not the only one who sees what's going on here."

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, a few days later...**

As Jamie's truck pulled into the driveway Quinn was seeing Jim off.

"Well, here they are" said Jim.

Quinn kissed him on the cheek. "Have fun, honey."

As Quinn watched Jim enter the passenger side she spotted Kevin kiss Brittany goodbye at their house next door. Kevin then headed over to Jamie's truck and got in. Quinn waveed as they drove off. She then started to walk back to the front door. She was almost inside when she saw a red Corvette come up the street. Curious, Quinn watched it pull into Kevin and Brittany's driveway. Daryl exited and hurridely entered Kevin and Brittany's house. He had a bouquet of red roses in one hand and a copy of the Kama Sutra in the other. Quinn found this puzzling.

_Weird._

Quinn then entered her own house without a second thought.

 **Downstairs hallway, sometime later...**  
 **Music:** "There's Something Going On" by Frida

_I know there's something going on_

Quinn was taking a full trash bag from the kitchen to the garage. She entered the garage and placed the bag in a trash can. At this point she noticed that the sun roof was open on Jim's new car, a 2010 Camaro SS.

_I'd better close it._

Quinn went into the house and came back with the keys a second later. She opened the drivers side door and immediately noticed something that made her gasp. On the floor of the car in front of the driver's seat was a pair of gray silk panties. Quinn picked them up.

_These aren't mine! What the hell!?_

Quinn's expression was now a mix of shock and anger.

* * *

**Das Morgendorffer Haus, evening...**

Daria was sitting in her room watching TV. On the TV screen a deer pressed his hoof on a big red button. This was followed by a fiery explosion and mushroom cloud.

"What happens to hunters when Bambi gets ahold of weapons grade plutonium? The Deer Have Gone Nuclear, next on Sick, Sad World!"

"The woods will never be the same" Daria commented.

At this point, her cell phone went off. Daria answered.

"Abandon hope, all ye who call here."

On the other end of the line, Quinn said "Daria, I need to talk to you. It's urgent."

"Did Dad have a third heart attack?" Daria asked in her usual deadpan.

Quinn said "No, but this is almost as bad. I found a pair of panties in Jim's new car. They aren't mine."

Daria's jaw dropped. "I don't know what's more unbelieveable, Jim cheating on you or his failure to hide the evidence."

Quinn was ready to cry, but managed to hold it together. "Why would he do this to me?" Quinn asked, almost hysterical, "He asked me to marry him and he's screwing around!"

Daria tried her best to calm her sister down. "You don't know that for sure. All you know is that there was a strange pair of panties in his car. It's possible he didn't even know they were there since he's only had the car a very short period of time. You should probably confront Jim with the panties before jumping to the worst possible conclusion."

"Jim's not here right now," Quinn explained, "He's spending the weekend hunting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin. I don't know what to do."

Bemused, Daria said "Kevin with a rifle in the woods. Now there's a scary thought."

Getting back to the matter of the mystery underwear, Quinn asked "So, what do I do? About the panties, not Kevin."

Daria said "Confront Jim with the panties when he gets back. If he's hiding something, you'll know because you're really good at reading guys. If he isn't hiding anything then maybe he has a sound explanation."

"If he doesn't?"

"Show no mercy." After a brief pause, Daria added "Assuming Kevin doesn't accidentally shoot him, of course."

* * *

**The woods, day...**

Jim, Jamie, Chuck and Kevin were in the woods with their rifles. While the rest of the guys have theirs slung over their shoulders Kevin was holding his in his hands.

"This is awesome!" said a too-excited-for-his-own-good Kevin.

Kevin thoughtlessly had his finger on the trigger. Suddenly, he heard the sound of a twig snap. It startles Kevin.

"Ahhh!"

Kevin accidentally fired the rifle, causing the other guys to give him a nasty look.

"Sorry."

"Could you please be careful!?" Jim barked, "I'd rather not get shot twice in the same year."

"But, like, I wanna be ready" Kevin protested.

Jamie, who knows even more about gun safety than the others due to his military training, said "Don't point your rifle unless you're getting ready to shoot. Sling it over your shoulder like the rest of us."

"It's gun safety 101" Chuck added.

Kevin said "But, Chuck, they don't do that in movies."

Deadpan, Jim said "But, Kevin, this is real life."

Kevin was dismissive. "Come on. Like, what's the worst that could happen?" No sooner were the words out of his mouth when Kevin experienced another accidental discharge. This one killed a rabbit. The other guys weren't impressed.

"Kevin, we're hunting deer, not rabbits" said Chuck.

Jim looked at the dead rabbit. "Even if we were, you practically blew the meat and skin clean off. These rifles are for big game."

Kevin seemed to get it. (finally) "Maybe I'll just keep it slung over my shoulder until we spot some deer."

Jim thought _So, he finally gets it. After we explain it a hundred times._

As Kevin turned up his rifle he accidentally squeezed the trigger again. The gun went off and the sound of a large bird sqwaking in pain was heard. A dead bird then landed right in front of them. The body's blown wide open. The guys gasped in horror upon seeing that Kevin has just accidentally killed a bald eagle.

"Sorry."

The others gave him a very annoyed look.

* * *

**Act II**   
**Chuck and Stacy's house, day...**

Quinn and Stacy were seated at the kitchen table. Little Chucky was in a high chair. Quinn was telling Stacy about the underwear she found in Jim's car.

"...I was so distraught that I called Daria for advice. She told me to confront Jim with the panties when he gets back tomorrow."

Shocked, Stacy said "I can't believe Jim would cheat on you!"

"Neither could my sister," said Quinn, "That's why she thinks there might be some other explanation. Problem is that the possibility of another explanation doesn't help. I figured I'd talk to you since you're a news reporter."

Stacy said "Look at the facts, Quinn. You found a pair of panties in Jim's car. The panties aren't yours, which means another woman was in that car. One possibility is that Jim's cheating on you. The problem with that theory is that Jim's proven himself to be faithful time and again. Another possibility is that someone was in the car before Jim got it and he never noticed the panties. That one falls apart when you consider the fact that Jim's had the car for almost a month. He would've noticed by now."

Quinn said "I've been thinking the same thing. The more likely scenario is that he's cheating on me. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was too busy worrying. What if this hunting trip is just a cover and he's really off doing some slut?"

"I doubt that," Stacy reassured, "Chuck's with him so it'd mean my husband's in on it."

Just then, Stacy gasped as she thought of another possibility. "Sandi!"

"What about her?" asked Quinn.

"What if she planted the panties to get back at you for the Danny incident?"

Quinn rolled her eyes at this suggestion. "Come on, Stacy. Sandi wouldn't do something that childish and vindictive, especially since that...shudder...incident wasn't even my fault."

"She would've back in high school" Stacy reminded her BFF.

Quinn said "Stacy, that was then. Yes, she was a vindictive bitch in high school but that was a decade ago. We've all grown up a lot since then."

Stacy said "I know it sounds crazy but hear me out. Sandi blames you for the latest episode of heartbreak in her life, that's no secret. It's why you two aren't on speaking terms right now. What if this was the straw that broke the camels back and sent her right back to being her old, vicious self? After all, Linda's 54 and she would do something like this. Maybe Sandi planted a pair of panties to hurt you by making you think Jim's cheating."

Quinn looked very thoughtful. She had to admit that theory's not as far fetched as it seems at first glance.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the woods of western Maryland...**

A state park ranger was on a hilltop looking at something through his binoculars. He could see Jim, Kevin, Jamie and Chuck looking at the bald eagle that Kevin accidentally killed. The ranger lowered his binoculars and keyed his walkie talkie.

"I have a positive ID on four poachers. Send backup to my location."

Downhill, the guys were horrified that Kevin accidentally killed a bald eagle.

"Kevin, what the hell!?" said Jim.

"It was an accident!" Kevin blurted out.

Jamie explained "Kevin, bald eagles are a protected species. If a ranger sees this we're in a shitload of trouble."

Kevin failed to grasp the seriousness of the situation. "So we just pay the fine."

Chuck rolled his eyes. "Kevin, the fine's half a million. Do you have that kind of money lying around, because I sure as hell don't?"

Just then they heard the sound of a vehicle approaching.

"Guys, someone's coming" said Jim.

Jamie's survival instincts kicked in. "Hide the bird!"

Kevin immediately kicked the dead bird into a nearby bush. A state fish and wildlife pickup truck approached. Three armed officers emerge after the truck came to a stop. One has blond hair and sunglasses. The other has brown hair and an impassive face. Both men are built like linebackers. They walk up to the guys, all of whom are now visibly nervous.

"What's going on?" Jim asked in a convincingly innocent tone.

The first game warden said "We got word of some poaching going on."

The second stated "A park ranger told us he saw four guys kill a bald eagle. Have you seen anything suspicious?"

Chuck said "No, we're hunting deer. We have permits."

"Just don't look in the bushes!" Kevin stupidly blurted out.

The officers get suspicious while Jim, Chuck and Jamie all stare daggers at Kevin. The first officer immediately walked over to the bush that Kevin hid the dead eagle in. He saw the bird and picked it up. He holds it in front of the guys with an evil smirk on his face.

"How do you explain this?"

Thinking fast, Jim said "We didn't know it was there."

Kevin, unsurprisingly, immediately blew their cover by saying something stupid. "I didn't kick it in the bush to hide it from you guys."

The officers pulled their guns on the guys.

"FREEZE! You four are under arrest for poaching!"

The guys all gulped with dread.

* * *

**Meanwhile, back in Lawndale...**

Quinn and Stacy were inside an apartment building on Dega Street walking towards Sandi's apartment. Stacy had Chucky with her in a stroller.

"Thanks for doing this, Stacy" said Quinn.

Stacy replied "That's what friends are for, Quinn. " After a brief pause, she added "This could get heated so it might be helpful if a third party is around."

Quinn said "I just hope we're proven wrong. Jim possibly cheating is bad enough but doing it with someone I consider a friend? I don't think I can handle that."

They reach the door to Sandi's apartment.

"I'll get the door," said Stacy, "If Sandi sees you she might not answer."

Quinn moved to the side, out of view from inside Sandi's apartment, while Stacy knocked. A few seconds later Sandi answered.

"Stacy, how are you?"

"Hi, Sandi."

Quinn immediately stepped into view. Sandi was a little taken aback.

"Sandi, we need to talk."

Through gritted teeth, Sandi said "Quinn, I don't wanna talk about what happened. When I'm ready to be friends again I'll let you know."

"This isn't about that" said Quinn as she reached into her purse and pulled out the panties she found. In an accusing tone, she asked "Are these yours?"

Sandi put on her old haughty face. "Kuh-winn, you know perfectly well I only wear bikini bottoms as part of a bikini. My panty preference is thongs. Why?"

"I found them in Jim's car" Quinn practically hissed.

Becoming angry, Sandi said "And you think I'm screwing your fiance, is that it?"

Stacy calmly said "Actually, we suspect you planted them in Jim's car to get back at Quinn for what happened with Danny."

Trying not to sound hostile, Quinn said "Sandi, I understand that you're hurt but I didn't do anything. It's not my fault your now ex-girlfriend had a crush on me."

Not even trying to sound friendly, Sandi got right in Quinn's face. "How dare you! Both of you! You come here and accuse me of some childish prank! That is so beneath you!"

Stacy said "Sandi, it's not like you haven't done stuff like this before. Remember high school?"

Her anger rising with each word, Sandi said "That was then. I've grown more mature since that time. I've been disowned by my family, forced to strip for a living because of the lousy economy, had my heart broken more than once and now you have the gall to come here and accuse me of trying to destroy Quinn and Jim's relationship! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!"

Quinn said "But, Sandi..."

Sandi cut her off. "Fuck you, Quinn. Fuck both of you and PISS OFF!!!"

Sandi slammed the door in their faces. Quinn and Stacy both appear deeply hurt.

* * *

 **Allegheny County Sheriff's Office...**  
 **Music:** "Don't Loose My Number" by Phil Collins  
 _Billy_  
 _Billy, don't you lose my number_  
 _'Cause you're not anywhere_  
 _That I can find you_

In an interrogation room Jamie was seated across the table in handcuffs. A sheriff's deputy with menacing shades sat across from him. He spoke with a country accent.

"You know how much shit you're in, city boy?"

Groaning in frustration, Jamie said "Look, Kevin was careless and shot the bird by accident."

The deputy said "Don't you back talk me, boy! What, you think we're a bunch o' dumb redneck hicks?"

Jamie said "No, I'm telling you the truth!"

The deputy said "An' I'm tellin' ya that we got enough on ya to put yer liberal city ass away fer life!"

**Later...**

Now it was Kevin who was being interrogated.

"Look, man, I didn't know it was there!"

The deputy said "Then why'd ya say it wus?"

Kevin looked blank as he's too dumb to think of anything.

Smirking, the deputy said "Ah thought so. When the vet gits here we'll match the bullet in that eagle to one o' yer guns."

Kevin's face lit up with excitement. "A war hero's coming! Cool!"

The deputy shook his head in disbelief. "Just how stupid 're ya?"

**Later still...**

Now, it's Chuck who's in the hot seat.

The deputy said "Since th' last guy wus an idiot we'll start simple an' work up from there. What's yer name?"

Chuck was so nervous that he took a deep breath and went straight into Upchuck mode. "I am Charles Ruttheimer the Third, Ladies Man Extraordinnare."

The deputy stifled a laugh. A second later, he turned serious again. "Not ta menshun a poacher."

In full Upchuck mode, Chuck said "Only when it comes to luscious ladies. I poach the fairer sex often. rowr!"

The deputy said "Ya ain't impressin' me, asshole."

Chuck said "If only you were a woman. I like them...mmmm...feisty."

The deputy didn't know whether to put him back in the cell or have him carted off by the men in white.

**Later...**

Now, the deputy is interrogating Jim.

"Look, I didn't do anything," said Jim, "Kevin shot the bird and it was an accident."

Menacing, the deputy said "Which ya tried ta cover up."

Jim said "Because I didn't wanna take the fall for someone else's screw up."

The deputy got right in Jim's face. "Can you prove it, poacher?"

Jim was not going to let himself be intimidated by some yokel cop. "I know my rights. I don't have to prove shit to you, pal. Innocent until proven guilty, after all."

The deputy barked "Ya think ya can spew that shit at me punk, think again!"

Not even flinching, Jim said "I know I can, Barney Fife. My soon-to-be mother in law's a lawyer."

Trying to intimidate Jim by hovering over him and getting face to face, the deputy hissed "Is that a threat?"

Jim refused to flinch. When your father's Tony Carbone you get used to dealing with intimidating assholes.

"No, just a statement of fact." Jim then unleashed his own inner Tony "Now, back the fuck off unless you wanna eat your own balls. Granted, I'll go down for assaulting an officer but in this case it'd be worth it. So, step back and talk reasonable. Otherwise, by the time I get out of jail maybe, MAYBE, you'll be getting out of your coma."

The deputy could tell from the look in Jim's eyes that he wasn't bluffing. He immediately stepped back. Regaining some of his composure once at a safe distance, the deputy said "Well, let me state a few facts. We have a veterinarian comin' ta perform an autopsy. He'll find the bullet, which we'll match ta the rifles we confiscated. Then, you'll either pay a five-hundred-thousand dollar fine each or spend the next six months getting ass raped every time ya take a shower."

Jim was worried, but no way in hell was he going to let that show. He was a Carbone, after all.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, day...**

Quinn's car pulled into the driveway. She exited the car and looked distraught.

_Well, that went terribly. I just hope this doesn't lead to a lasting estrangement from Sandi._

At this point Quinn noticed Daryl's Corvette still parked in Kevin and Brittany's driveway.

_That car's been there since yesterday afternoon. I wonder what's going on._

Quinn walked over to Kevin and Brittany's front door. She was about to ring the doorbell when she noticed something, the door was a crack open.

_That's weird. I hope everything's okay._

Concern overcomes any respect for privacy as Quinn let's herself in. Once inside she looks in the living room and gasps. Daryl and Brittany were right there in the living room, no clothes and DEFINITELY doing something a married woman's not supposed to do when her husband's away for the weekend.

"Ugh...ah...BRITTANY...OH...HOT.."

"OH...DARYL...YES...YES...HARDER...OHGODYES..."

Quinn immediately interrupted the extramarital exercise session. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT!?!"

That startled Daryl and Brittany. They immediately ceased their copulating and frantically covered themselves, Brittany with a nearby towel and Daryl by holding a throw pillow over his privates.

"EEP!" Brittany squeaked.

Nervous, Daryl said "It's not what it looks like!"

Quinn folded her arms and awaited an explanation. Daryl and Brittany are SO busted.

* * *

 **Act III**  
 **Kevin and Brittany's living room...**  
 **Music:** "Calling Dr. Love" by Kiss

_They call me..._   
_Doctor Love_   
_They call me Doctor Love_   
_Callin' Doctor Love_   
_I got the cure you're thinkin' of_   
_Callin' Doctor Love_

Quinn has just caught Brittany and Daryl having sex.

"So" said Quinn, "you wanted Kevin and the kids gone so you could screw your personal trainer."

Nervously fishing for an excuse, Brittany blurted out "No! We were...um...exercising?"

Quinn obviously didn't buy that line. "Since when does exercise involve French kissing, heavy petting, peeling off clothes and having sex with a man other than your husband?"

Brittany sturggled to come up with an answer. "Um...well...uh...you see..."

Daryl gave an excuse that was just as weak as Brittany's. "I was showing her how to simulate sex. It's part of her cardio routine."

Quinn wasn't buying it. "Yeah, right."

"It burns a lot of calories," said Daryl, "I could show it to you."

Quinn rolled her eyes in disgust. "I'll pass."

Knowing she was busted, Brittany nervously asked "Um, What are you doing here?"

Quinn said "I saw a strange car in your driveway so I came over to ask about it. I noticed the door was open so I came in to make sure everything was okay."

Brittany said "Well, I'm fine."

"Yes, I can see that" Quinn said in a deadpan that would rival Daria's.

Daryl nervously asked "You're not gonna tell Kevin, are you?"

Quinn appeared to think it over. This made Brittany very nervous.

"Well?" asked the frightened ex-cheerleader.

Quinn said "I think what you're doing is wrong, but I also think it'd be wrong to break up a family so I'll keep my mouth shut. But I want you to seriously think about what you're doing. Kevin would be devastated if he found out and you have four children who's lives will be ruined if this gets out. Just think about it, okay?"

Relieved, Brittany said "Okay."

With that, Quinn left. Once she's gone Brittany and Daryl look at each other.

"Did getting caught turn you on, because it turned me on?" said Brittany.

Daryl explained "The risk is part of what makes this so much fun."

Dropping the towel she'd been using to cover herself, Brittany said "Come here."

They start to have sex again.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later...**

Quinn was in the office looking at the panties she found in Jim's car.

_I'm still no closer to finding out how these panties wound up in Jim's car. I would've asked Brittany about them but catching her cheating on Kevin made me forget. Those poor kids. I just hope Brittany stops before it's too late._

Quinn shook her head.

_Who am I kidding? She won't stop until this blows up in her face. She hasn't changed one bit since high school._

Quinn now looked worried.

_What about my situation? Is Jim cheating on me? He's been tempted before but he resisted. He loves me too much to do that to me._

Quinn looked thoughtful.

_Then again you can love someone and still cheat on them. Brittany's certainly proof of that. She loves Kevin but still has an affair. She and Kevin also cheated on each other all the time back in high school. I know Jim loves me but maybe this time it wasn't enough to stop him from cheating on me._

Quinn shook her head.

_Then again, the only evidence is this mystery pair of panties. It's possible that Jim's faithful and the panties wound up in his car by some other means. Who else do I know that owns gray silk panties?_

She thinks it over.

_Sandi wears thongs exclusively and these panties are bikini bottoms. I can't believe I didn't remember that before I accused her. Daria only wears bikini bottoms, but she prefers cotton. Stacy and Nicole both alternate between thongs and bikini bottoms, but Stacy only wears cotton. Nicole wears silk, but she'd never cheat on Jamie. Even if she were single there's no way Nicole would ever stab me in the back by doing my man. Tiffany only wears thongs but I doubt they're her's. I haven't seen her since the incident at Chez Pierre last spring._

Quinn sighed.

_I have no choice but to confront Jim when he gets back, just about every possibility I can think of where these panties came from doesn't hold up when I take a few minutes to think about it._

* * *

**Allegheny County Sheriff's Office...**

Jim, Chuck, Jamie and Kevin were all in a holding cell.

"I can't believe it," said Chuck, "Thanks to Kevin we're all going to jail."

Kevin said "But, like, it was an accident."

Jamie angrily said "Your "accident" resulted in all of us getting arrested."

Kevin said "But, Jessie..."

Before Jamie could correct Kevin, Jim lost the last of his patience.

"Kevin, shut the fuck up before you get us in more trouble!"

"But, Jim..."

Jim, Jamie and Chuck: "SHUT UP!!"

**Meanwhile, in the coroner's lab...**

The vet, a balding man with gray hair and glasses, has just finished the autopsy on the eagle and was showing his findings to the deputy.

Stunned, the deputy said "Yer sure!?"

"Positive," said the vetrinarian, "This bird was killed by a 9mm round. The rifles you confiscated from these hunters are .44 caliber. They didn't shoot this bird."

The deputy frowned. "Damn."

**The holding cell, a short time later...**

The guys all looked up when the deputy came up to the cell and opened it.

"Good news, assholes. The bullet in that bird weren't from one o yer guns. Yer all free to go."

They all breathed a sigh of relief.

**The front office, a minute later...**

The deputy was leading them out when another deputy came in. He had a rough looking guy in handcuffs with him.

"Park Rangers spotted this asshole use a 9mm pistol to kill and endangered otter," the second deputy explained, "Apparently, he's been poachin' in this area fer munths."

As it turned out, this guy that the deputy brought in was the one who shot the eagle. Kevin just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

* * *

 **Quinn and Jim's house, evening...**  
 **Music:** "Blah, Blah, Blah" by Ke$ha

Jamie's pickup pulled into the driveway. Inside, Jamie was driving while Jim rides shotgun and Kevin is in the back seat. Chuck wasn't with them because they already dropped him off. Out of the corner of his eye Jim saw Brittany walking Daryl to his car. He had his hand on her ass, but only Jim saw this. After the pickup came to a stop in Quinn and Jim's driveway the guys all filed out. Brittany and Daryl approached Kevin.

"Miss me, babe?" said Kevin.

Brittany said "Of course, Kevie."

She ran up to Kevin and kissed him.

After the kiss Kevin turned to Daryl. "Thanks for keeping an eye on her, man."

Daryl smiled slyly. "No problem, Mr. Thompson."

"Call me Kevin, bro."

"Okay" said Daryl as he thought _Idiot_.

At this point Quinn walked right up to Jim and she looked pissed. She got right in his face and showed him the silk panties.

"Care to explain this!"

Genuinely puzzled, Jim said "What? The panties?"

Quinn said "I found them in your car yesterday and they're not mine. What are you doing with another woman's panties? And don't you dare lie to me!"

Brittany saw the panties. "I've been looking everywhere for these." She took the panties out of a shocked Quinn's hands. "They're mine" Brittany explained.

Everyone gasped. Kevin got the wrong idea and grabbed Jim by his shirt collar. "You've been screwing my wife!"

Jim shoved Kevin off of him. "No, I haven't. I'm not cheating on Quinn, and certainly not with Brittany. Besides, I was with you all weekend."

Quinn said "Then what were her panties doing in your car?"

Everyone looked at Brittany.

"Good question," said Jim as he eyed Brittany suspiciously. "Brittany?"

Brittany and Daryl looked like deer caught in the headlights. They are so busted.

Struggling for an excuse, Brittany said "Um...well...you see...um..."

Daryl immediately chimed in. "I wanted to work on Brittany's backstroke. We were going to use Quinn's pool. While I went to find Quinn, Brittany changed into her bathing suit in the garage. When I couldn't find Quinn I told Brittany it was a no go and we left. She must've forgotten them."

Brittany said "I wasn't having sex with another man in Jim's car, and Daryl wasn't having sex with a married woman in Jim's car either. What Daryl said is what happened."

The only one buying this explanation is Kevin.

"Thank God," said the former QB, "For a minute there I thought you were cheating on me, babe." Turning to Jim, he said "Sorry I got mad, Jim. Anyway, I'm hungry. I'm gonna go inside and grab something to eat."

As Kevin went into his house Brittany escorted Daryl to his car and saw him off with a kiss that was anything but platonic. Quinn, Jim and Jamie were all trying to suspend disbelief.

"Brittany's cheating on Kevin with Daryl" said Jamie.

Shocked, Quinn said "They had sex in my garage!"

Angry, Jim added "In my new car!"

At the exact same time, all three of them said "EEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later that night...**

Quinn and Jim were laying awake in bed in their sleepwear.

Quinn said "Sorry I accused you of cheating on me."

"It's okay," said Jim, "You found a strange pair of panties in my car. It's a logical assumption." He then shuddered as he thought of how a pair of Brittany's panties wound up in his car. "I don't know what's worse, Brittany cheating on Kevin or the fact that she and Daryl did it in my car. I'm gonna have to sterilize that whole thing now."

Quinn decided to change the subject. "So, how was your trip, hon?"

"It sucked," said Jim, "Kevin got us all aressted."

"How?"

Jim explained "He misfired his gun and we all thought he'd accidentally killed a bald eagle. Turned out someone else shot it and it just happened to land by us. That's why they let us go."

Quinn said "So, you were in jail while I thought you were cheating."

Jim said "I should probably lock my car when it's in the garage from now on. I could do without all this drama."

Quinn rubbed Jim's shoulders. "You feel tense, babe."

"It's been a stressful weekend" Jim admitted.

"How about I make you feel more relaxed, lover?" Quinn asked in a suggestive tone.

Jim liked the sound of that. They start to make out and things got NSFW from there.

**End Episode**

* * *

**Authors Notes**

  
1) This is the beginning of a new running gag, Brittany having an affair and Kevin being too stupid to catch on.

  
2) I know nothing about the procedure for dealing with poachers so I just treated the rangers as if they were cops.


	5. Sandi's Escape

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and a guy on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Sandi's Escape"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, day...**

Quinn and Jim were in the kitchen having dinner. Actually, Jim was having dinner while Quinn was talking on the phone.

"So," said Quinn, "How would you like to have Thanksgiving Dinner at our place?"

On the other end of the line, Helen said "We'd love to, sweetie. In fact..."

Quinn recognized the ring tone on the other end as Helen's cell phone.

"Talk to your father, I have to take this."

Some things never change Quinn thought as she waited for Jake to come on the line.

"Hey, Cupcake!"

"Hi, Dad. Listen, Jim and I were wondering if you, Mom and Daria would like to have Thanksgiving dinner at our place."

"We'd love to!" said Jake, "After all, it's a time of family togetherness. Something we need to keep going. Just because you no longer live at home doesn't mean I don't wanna spend time with you. After all..."

Quinn frowned when her father suddenly stopped talking. She knew all too well what was about to happen.

Jake confirmed her fears when he said "The best I could hope for is scraps in the barracks growing up". He began quoting his own father. "'Don't worry, son, Sgt. Ellenbogen will keep an eye on you'. 'Sorry, but your mother and I are planning a second honeymoon. Merry Christmas, Son.' 'Can't make the wedding, the dog needs it's nails clipped. Enjoy marrying that commie slut, son.' DAMN YOU, MAD DOG! GOD-FUCKING-DAMN YOU TO HELL, YOU SADISTIC..."

Quinn decided enough was enough. "DAD, YOUR HEART!"

This snapped Jake out of his rant. "Thanks, Quinn."

Quinn shook her head.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at The Coffee Snob...**  
 **Music:** "3" by Britney Spears

Sandi was seated alone at a table having some coffee. She was deep in thought.

_How has it come to this? First, I spent my senior year fo high school on the outs with my friends. Then, I realize I'm bisexual and fall in love with a woman only to find out she's cheating on me after my family disowned me for being with her. I have to drop out of college and liive at a homeless shelter until I save enough to get my own place. I take a job as a stripper because with only a high school diploma I can't make a living wage by any other means. I have a failed relationship with Joey, I save enough to go back to school and get my AA and what happens? The economy's so bad I have to keep stripping because the only alternative is long term unemployment. Then came the boyfriend who turned out to be gay. Then the girlfriend who tried to seduce my best friend. Now, I'm on the outs with everyone again. Why?_

Sandi took a sip of her coffee and sighed.

_Maybe I deserve all of this misery. Maybe this is God's way of punishing me for being such a power hungry bitch back in high school._

Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted.

"Sandi!?"

She looked up and gasped. She recognized him.

"Tom!? Tom Sloane!"

Smiling, Tom said "I haven't seen you since that Halloween party I threw way back when. Um, mind if I sit down?"

Wanting some company, Sandi motioned for Tom to have a seat.

As he sat down, Tom asked "How have you been?"

Without thinking, Sandi admitted "I've been better".

"Well, you certainly cut to the chase" said Tom.

Sandi blushed at her social faux pas.

"It's okay," Tom reassured, "Honesty's more interesting. So, what's wrong?"

Sandi haughtily said "None of your business!" Upon seeing how taken aback Tom was, she calmed down. "Actually, I was just thinking how I got to my current station in life."

"Being a stripper" Tom guessed.

Gasping, Sandi said "You knew that!?"

"I've seen you at Cafe Risque" Tom admitted.

Sandi said "Actually, that's only part of the problem. What's really got me down is that I'm on the outs with everyone at the moment. I...Well, I'm not comfortable going into details."

Tom nodded. "I understand." He decided to change subjects to something less awkward. "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

"Eating at home...alone" Sandi admitted. Wanting to turn the focus on Tom, she asked "You?"

"I wish I was eating alone," said Tom, "I'm expected to join the rest of my family at my Aunt Mildred's place at the cove."

Curious, Sandi asked "And you find being alone preferrable to that!?"

Tom said "What can I say, my family's very formal in all matters. It makes for some very boring get togethers."

"I'd actually prefer boredom to lonliness," said Sandi, "I'm on poor speaking terms with my family, have been for almost eight years now. I was using Quinn and her friends as a substitute family, but recent events have made things very awkward between us."

"I won't press for details," said Tom, "I take it those events are the thing you don't wanna talk about. By the way, I don't think less of you for being a stripper. In this economy we all have to take whatever work we can get. Besides, I know you're not a prostitute. I'm fully aware of Cafe Risque's look but don't touch policy."

Wanting to change the subject, Sandi asked "So, what do you do for fun?"

"Anything that doesn't require me to spend time with stuffy upper crust types," said Tom, "Though, I'd find my fellow top one percenters tolerable with some company who wasn't part of that world."

Sandi was surprised to find that strangely endearing.

* * *

**Pizza Prince, the following afternoon...**

Quinn and Nicole were catching up over pizza. Quinn was telling Nicole about her plans for Thanksgiving.

"...so my parents and Daria are gonna have Thanksgiving dinner at our new place. Sort of like a housewarming party."

"Jamie and I are doing the same thing," said Nicole, "It'd be nice if my parents could come, but it'd be too much of a hassle for them to fly from LA to Baltimore just to spend a few days here."

Quinn asked "Is your grandmother still upset about you being married to a...what's the word she used for Jamie?"

"Gaijin," said Nicole, "It's means outsider. It's a common Japanese slur for anyone who isn't. Actually, it took her a while but I think my grandmother's finally coming around. That's why we're gonna have my side of the family over for Christmas."

Quinn was happy to hear that. For those who don't know, the Yagami's are Buddhists but they celebrate Christmas anyway. They just don't attach any religious meaning to the holiday.

Changing the subject, Nicole said "I ran into Sandi earlier today."

"How is she?" asked Quinn. "I haven't seen her since the underwear incident."

Having heard about that from Jamie, Nicole said "I tried to explain it to her, but she cut me off at the mention of your name."

Visibly hurt, Quinn said "I see."

"Relax," Nicole reassured her, "She'll come around eventually. I brought it up because she told me she'd run into Tom Sloane yesterday."

That interested Quinn. "Is she...? I mean, are they...well...?"

Shaking her head, Nicole said "I don't think so. It sounds to me like neither of them in interested in a relationship right now." Seeing how visibly relieved Quinn was to hear that, Nicole said "Tom's not such a bad guy, Quinn."

Quinn said "Nicole, he totally flaked on you during that false alarm pregnancy!"

Nicole said "Trust me, Tom's no saint, but he's not evil incarnate either. He just has piss poor judgment."

"You're surprisingly understanding," said Quinn, "Especially since he tried to steal you off Jamie two years later."

"Actually," said Nicole, "I'm not sure how much of that was Tom and how much was Chuck being desperate to close a business deal. In any event, it's not really a problem. I think it's just two acquiantances catching up. Besides, what happened between me and Tom went down three years ago and we've all changed since then. After all, if back then you told me I'd be an Army wife three years later I probably would've laughed my ass off."

"Speaking of Jamie," said Quinn, "How's he?"

"Good," said Nicole, "Out of the Army, back in college and walking so well even I find it easy to forget that both of his legs are prosthetics. Also, he hasn't had a nightmare or flashback in months."

Quinn was glad to hear that.

* * *

**Winged Tree Country Club, that evening...**

Tom was in the dinning hall having dinner with his parents. Even though he doesn't look it, he'd much rather be someplace else. Katherine was explaining why Elsie wouldn't be joining them at The Cove for Thanksgiving.

"...so I decided it would be a good opportunity for Elsie to better integrate herself into the Scarsdale's. After all, she's going to marry into that family."

Angier continued "That's why we excused her from coming with us this year."

Tom, who wasn't thrilled about Thanksgiving at The Cove himself, sensed a potential out. "Actually," he said, "I don't think I can come this year either."

"How come?" asked Kay.

Tom immediately pulled out his excuse. "I'm spending Thanksgiving with a friend this year, a friend who'd be alone otherwise."

With a raised eyebrow, Angier asked "Who is this friend?"

"No one you know" said Tom, hoping that'd be the end of it.

"Thomas," said Kay, "With your sister not attending I'm afraid we have to insist you come with us."

Tom sighed. "Look," he said, "I'm spending Thanksgiving with a friend who's on the outs with her family and she'll be alone otherwise."

"What's her name?" asked Angier.

Tom said "Sandi Griffin."

Firm, Angier said "I'm sorry, Thomas, but we simply can't allow you to skip a family obligation just because you want to spend Thanksgiving with your girlfriend."

Patient, Tom said "First off, she's not my girlfriend, just a friend." Actually, more like a casual acquaintance he thought. Out loud, he added "Second, you're letting Elsie skip this to spend time with her fiance."

Kay said "That's different. Elsie and Preston are engaged, not dating."

Desperate, Tom said "Sandi'll be alone otherwise. I'm doing this as an act of kindness."

"Invite her along," said Angier, "Since you want to spend Thanksgiving with her and she has no one else we'd be happy to have her. Besides, you know how Aunt Mildred likes to take people in during the holidays."

Tom sighed. His plan to get out of Thanksgiving at the Cove has backfired spectacularly.

* * *

**Sandi's apartment, later that evening...**

Sandi was watching TV when the phone rang. She answered.

"Hello?"

"Sandi, it's Tom."

Sandi smiled. "Tom, how did you get this number?"

Tom explained "It's one of the ones Jim gave me when I threw that Halloween party a few years back. Listen, I'm calling because I'm in a bit of a jam."

"What happened?" asked Sandi.

Tom explained "I tried to get out of Thanksgiving at The Cove by saying I was spending it with you because you'd be alone otherwise. Don't worry, I didn't go into detail about your life but I did tell them you'd be alone otherwise. I was hoping to get out of a boring family obligation by tugging on my parent's heart strings."

"I take it that didn't go well" Sandi guessed, surprised by how okay she was with this.

"Is that ever an understatement," said Tom, "They not only insisted I come to The Cove but also that I bring you along."

Sandi gasped.

Hearing the gasp, Tom said "I know. Creepy, right?"

"Just a little" said Sandi as the gears in her head started turning.

"Thing is," said Tom, "Now I'm inviting you so I can at least say I tried."

Smirking, Sandi said "Actually, I'd love to come and spend Thanksgiving at The Cove with your family."

Now it was Tom who gasped. "You would!?!"

"Of course," said Sandi in a suspicously sweet tone, "In fact, I insist. Besides, you're the one who said you'd like some company who isn't a part of your world."

Nervous, Tom said "Um...Are you sure?"

Sandi didn't hesitate. "Yes."

"Okay," said Tom, "I'll pick you up Wednesday morning and we'll head up there."

"Looking forward to it" said Sandi.

**Tom's house...**

Tom was on the phone with Sandi.

"Okay,...well...bye."

He hung up. Afterwards, Tom looked confused.

_What have I gotten myself into?_

**Sandi's apartment...**

Having just hung up, Sandi smirked. _Perfect_ , she thought, _If I can get into their good graces I can marry my way back to the top of the social ladder._

Sandi went to her bedroom, opened her dresser and got out the skimpiest bra and panty set she owned.

 _Time to seduce a rich guy_ she thought with a sly grin.

* * *

**Act II**   
**Nicole and Jamie's house, evening...**

Nicole was talking on the phone. What she heard had her in shock.

"Sandi, are you out of your freakin' mind!?"

On the other end of the line, Sandi said "Nicole, it's perfect. I play up the elegant and classy angle with Tom's parents and whenever I get Tom alone I turn the sexy up to a level where he can't possibly keep his hands off of me."

Nicole said "So, your plan for getting your life together is to basically seduce a rich guy and marry into money!?"

"Nicole," said Sandi, "What's my alternative? Keep dancing at Cafe Risque until my looks start to go? What then?"

"Sandi," said Nicole, "You have a college degree now and this recession can't last forever. As soon as the economy turns around use that degree to get a better job."

Sandi asked "Nicole, why is this such a big deal to you?"

Nicole said "One of my friends is telling me she plans to whore herself to old money! How could this not be a big deal to me!?"

Sandi said "Hey, I'm not the one who ran off and married a soldier just because I wanted survivor benefits!"

Resisting the urge to go off on Sandi, Nicole said "One, I married Jamie because I love him, not for his VA benefits. Two, if you wanna be with Tom it should be because you like HIM, not his money. Three, a gold digger is only one step up from a prostitute."

"Well, Nicole," Sandi replied in a haughty tone, "Then maybe YOU should try being stuck taking off your clothes on stage for a living."

"Sandi," said Nicole, "It's your life, but I think this is a very bad idea. You don't need to ride a rich boy's dick to improve your station in life. Just think about it, okay?"

"Fine," Sandi huffed, "I'll think about it, but that doesn't mean I won't go through with this."

Calming down, Nicole said "Okay".

"Bye, Nicole."

"Later, Sandi."

With that they both hang up. Nicole took a moment to think about what Sandi was planning to do before dialing another number. After a few rings...

"Hey, Quinn, it's Nicole...I just got off the phone with Sandi. Listen, you may wanna sit down for this."

* * *

**The Cove, near the tip of Long Island, Wednesday...**

A red Ferrari 599 GTB pulled up to a waterfront estate. The two-story house was spartan for a rich vacation home in the Hamptons. It seemed more like it was owned by upper middle class types than an old money family.

Inside the high dollar Italian sports car Tom was driving while Sandi rode in the passenger seat. She hid her dissapointment well.

"So, this is the famous cove?"

Nodding, Tom said "I know you were probably expecting something more palatial, but this is it. Granted, it's not what you were probably expecting, but how do you think old money gets old?"

Stifling a laugh, Sandi said "It's okay." Actually, she was very disappointed.

"I know you're lying, but thanks" said Tom.

Sandi silently wondered how he knew she was disappointed when she hadn't let on as such.

The Ferrari came to a stop under a car port next to the house. From the house the other Sloane's emerged. Tom and Sandi emerged from the car.

"Wlecome, young Thomas" Angier said.

Sandi literally swallowed the urge to laugh at Tom being called young Thomas by his own father.

"Hey, Dad, Mom, Aunt Mildred" said Tom as he shook each of their hands in turn. Turning to Sandi, he added "This is my gi...friend!...Sandi Griffin." Tom wondered why he'd had the urge to call her his girlfriend when they're only casual acquaintences. "Sandi, my parents, Kay and Angier."

They each politely shook hands with Sandi. Kay said "Pleasure to meet you, Miss Griffin."

Sandi politely said "The pleasure's mine, Mrs. Sloane."

"Please," said Kay, "Call me Kay."

Sandi smiled.

Turning to the stately looking 80 year old woman, Tom said "My great aunt, Mildred."

Mildred shook Sandi's hand. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintence, Miss Griffin."

Smiling, and successfully repressing the urge to cut her up over the name, Sandi said "Thank you, miss...?"

Smiling back, Mildred said "Just call me Millie."

Not as weird as Mildred Sandi thought. Out loud, she said "Very well, Millie."

Impressed, Angier said "You're surprisingly well spoken, Miss Griffin."

Smiling, Sandi said "Please, call me Sandi."

Tom smiled as it's clear that his parents have taken an instant liking to her.

Seeing Tom smile, Sandi thought _So far it's all going according to plan. His family likes me, now I just have to get ahold of his dick._

* * *

**Upstairs, a short time later...**

Sandi and Tom were in the guest room that Sandi would be staying in. Tom was carrying Sandi's suitcase for her.

"Just put it down on the bed, Tom," said Sandi, "I can sort it later."

Tom did as he was told. Why am I okay with this? he asked himself.

Sandi said "Thanks, Tom."

"My pleasure," Tom said with a smile, "After all, it's the least I can do after getting you dragged into this."

Sandi said "Tom, your family's wonderful. Why did you want out of this?"

"It's usually boring here" Tom admitted.

Sandi said "Well, it's better than my so-called family. Everything was always tense at home."

Tom said "I can't believe you aren't on speaking terms with them." Suddenly, he felt the urge to ask a personal question. "Sandi, why aren't you on speaking terms with your family?"

Sandi went to the door and closed it. "I need a little privacy to answer that one." She was suprised by her willingness to answer such a question from a guy she only knows in passing. Sitting with Tom on the bed, Sandi said "Did you know that I'm bisexual?"

Tom said "I'd heard it said, but until now I just wrote it off as idle gossip."

Sandi said "My mother didn't approve. She apparently considers people who aren't straight to be sexual deviants. When I came out to my family she was so ashamed that she disowned me and forced everyone else to go along. That's why I dropped out of college. It's also why I became a stripper in the first place. Without a college degree it was the only way I could make a decent wage."

Tom nodded in understanding. "I see," he said, "But didn't you say you went back to college and got your AA?"

Nodding, Sandi said "Just as the economy went south. As such, for now my choices are either stripping or long term unemployment." She hung her head and sighed. "Pathetic, huh?"

Without thinking, Tom put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "No, it isn't."

Smiling, Sandi said "Thanks".

Upon noticing that his hand was on Sandi's shoulder Tom pulled back. "Sorry."

"It's okay" said Sandi as she thought _I'm gonna have you touching me in far more intimate ways when it's all said and done_.

Standing up, Tom said "How about we grab some lunch, then go and do something together?"

Smiling, Sandi said "I'd like that." After a moment, she added "Is it okay if tonight I sleep with the door closed?"

Nodding, Tom said "Of course. Why do you ask?"

In a flirty tone, Sandi said "I sleep naked."

Tom willed himself not to picture it. Sandi grinned seductively, satisfied by her cleverness. Truth is, she doesn't sleep naked because as a stripper she already spends her workday in various states of undress but there's no reason Tom should know that.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Das Morgendorffer Haus...**

Daria and Quinn were seated in the living room watching TV. On the TV screen was an elderly man at an altar with a young woman who looked like a prostitute.

"Why just charge him for a night when she can charge him for life? When Call Girls Marry Old Money, next on Sick, Sad World!"

As the TV cut to a commercial Daria turned to her sister.

"Okay, Quinn, I know this isn't a strictly social call."

"What do you mean?" asked Quinn.

Daria said "You come over unannounced the day before we all come to your house for Thanksgiving and pick a time when you know I'll be home alone. Out with it, Sis."

Quinn sighed. "Nicole called yesterday."

"And told you something you need my advice on how to handle" Daria correctly guessed.

Nodding, Quinn said "Sandi's spending Thanksgiving with Tom...at the Cove."

Daria's eyes went wide. "I didn't even know those two were an item!"

"They aren't," said Quinn, "Apparently, Tom tried to use her as an excuse to get out of spending Thanksgiving with his family and it backfired, leaving him no choice but to invite Sandi. She accepted the invitation."

Daria asked "A little unusual, but I have a feeling there's more."

Nodding, Quinn said "She's planning to seduce him while she's there, and charm his family into thinking she's wife material."

Daria said "I see. So, Sandi's going to use her body as a tool for social climbing."

Quinn said "That's why I'm worried. Sandi seems to think the only way she can leave her stripping days behind is by marrying into money."

"You know that's gonna blow up in her face," said Daria, "First off, she can't hide the fact that she's a stripper forever. When Tom's parents find out there'll be hell to pay."

"That's the problem," Quinn explained, "I'm afraid she won't be able to handle it when this all goes wrong and Sandi's been through so much already. The worst part is that I can't do anything because she's still mad at me about the Danny incident."

Daria, who knew about the incident, said "Quinn, you didn't do anything wrong there. You rejected Danny's advances, which is way better than how I handled the similar incident with Tom."

"I know," said Quinn, "But Sandi's about to make a huge mistake and I can't stop her. I also can't comfort her when this all blows up in her face. I feel so damn helpless!"

"Quinn," said Daria, "Apparently, Sandi's still on good terms with Nicole. Since there's nothing you can do I suggest you let her handle it."

Quinn said "I feel like I'm dumping a responsibility on one of my friends."

"I see," said Daria, "Remember when you helped Sandi lose weight back in high school?"

Nodding, Quinn said "Thanks for giving me that idea, by the way."

"I didn't do it for you," said Daria, "I did it to win a bet with Jane."

Smiling, Quinn said "I know, but it was still a good idea."

 _She really IS smarter than I give her credit for_ Daria thought. Out loud, she said "You know, Quinn, the fact that you're concerned says a lot about you as a person."

Quinn smiled. "Thanks, Daria."

Daria said "Getting back to the matter at hand, since you feel the need to do something just tell Nicole how to handle it when this blows up in Sandi's face. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing."

Quinn said nothing but was visibly relieved.

* * *

**The Cove, evening...**

Tom was seated in his room reading The Art Of War by Sun Tzu. There was a knock on his door.

"Come in."

The door opened and Sandi entered the room. She closed the door behind her and faced Tom. It was at this point that Tom saw she was wearing a bathrobe. What he noticed was that the robe was tied in such a way as to show a lot of cleavage, as in one-wrong-move-and-she'll-have-a-nip-slip a lot.

Willing himself not to stare, Tom asked "Something wrong, Sandi?"

"I just wanted to talk" she said in a provocative tone.

Unable to keep his silence, Tom said "Sandi, your robe's not closed all the way. I'm seeing more of your boobs than I probably should."

"I know" she said in an unmistakably erotic tone.

"To paraphraise a certain movie," said Tom, "Are you trying to seduce me, Miss Griffin?"

"Mmmmmmaaayyyyyybbbeeeeeee" said Sandi with a playful smile. "Are you afraid that's what your family will think?"

"Actually," said Tom, "They all like to pop a valium before bed. A bomb could go off and it wouldn't wake them."

Sandi said "Hmmmm...Maybe we should take advantage?"

With a raised eyebrow, Tom said "You're direct, aren't you?"

Sandi grinned. _Keep up the flirting and he'll be out of his clothes and in me in no time._ Before she could make any more moves, however, she noticed the book Tom was reading. "Is that The Art Of War?"

Tom said "No offense, but I never took you for the well read type."

Forgetting why she was there Sandi smirked as she said "If you know your enemy but not yourself then for every victory you will suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself then you will only ever know defeat. If you know both the enemy and yourself then you need not fear the outcome of a thousand battles."

Tom was so impressed that he forgot that Sandi was seemingly making a play for him just a few seconds earlier.

**Two hours later...**

Tom and Sandi still had their clothes on and were making lighthearted conversation.

"I always had a soft spot for Stalin" said Tom.

Before he could continue, Sandi said "It's a good thing he changed his name. 'Man Of Steel' may sound like something out of a geeky comic book, but it's still better than Dshugashvilli."*

*(I'm 99.9 % sure I misspelled that.)

They both shared a laugh.

"You know" said Tom, "You're a lot more interesting than I thought."

Sandi was surprised that her heart skipped a beat when he said that.

 _I could totally jump his bones right now_ she thought, _So why aren't I?_ Out loud, Sandi said "Thanks. Just because I'm beautiful doesn't mean I'm not smart."

Tom smiled.

"Listen," said Sandi, "About when I came in, that was just flirting."

Tom didn't know whether to be disappointed or relieved. "No harm done" he said, "You've actually managed to elevate my opinion of you since then." He immediately shook his head. "That came out wrong."

Stifling a giggle, Sandi said "You're forgiven. After all, I did seem a little slutty with my flirting earlier."

Tom said "So, we're even?"

"Yes" Sandi said with a smile. "Anyway, I should probably call it an evening. Good night, Tom."

"Goodnight, Sandi."

With that, Sandi left.

* * *

**Sandi's room, a few seconds later...**

Sandi paced around with a forlorn look on her face.

_I blew it! I totally blew it! I go in to give him the best sex of his life and wind up having the longest, most interesting conversation of my life instead. My plan was to seduce Tom and make his family like me, so why am I chickening out on the seduction part? Why does playing Tom feel...wrong?_

After a brief pause, she had another thought.

_And why does the possibility of having a genuine relationship with him feel right?_

Desperate and confused, Sandi picked up her cell phone and frantically dialed a number. She then put the phone to her ear. A few seconds later...

"Nicole, it's Sandi. Listen, I know it's late but I really need some advice."

* * *

**Act III**   
**Nicole and Jamie's house, evening...**

Nicole and Jamie were in bed. While Jamie was trying to sleep Nicole was on the phone.

"Sandi, what's wrong?" Nicole asked.

On the other end of the line, Sandi explained "I went into Tom's room wearing just a bathrobe that was tied loosely enough to show that I was naked underneath. I was gonna flirt with Tom and, since the rest of the family are very heavy sleepers, it was a golden opportunity to seal the deal by giving him the best sex of his life."

Rolling her eyes, Nicole said "Either he rejected your advances or you fucked him and now feel guilty about it. So, which is it?"

"Neither."

Nicole's jaw nearly dropped when she heard that. After all, when she briefly dated Tom they got busy every chance they got. Also, while Quinn told her Sandi was a big slut-shamer in high school Nicole knows present-day Sandi has zero qualms about dragging a guy or girl straight to bed. "I must not be fully awake," said Nicole, "Because you've been telling me how you're gonna ride this guys dick all the way to the top and it sounded like you just intentionally blew a golden opportunity to do just that."

"You didn't hear wrong," Sandi admitted, "I was ready to go. Even though he didn't say so I could tell he would've had no problem with me throwing off the robe and riding him to sweet oblivion..."

"So why didn't you?" Nicole interrupted.

Sandi said "That's the weird part. We started talking and the conversation dragged on for God knows how long. In that time I discovered that Tom and I actually have a lot in common. I can't explain it, but even though I could've had him then and there it just felt...wrong. So I left."

Nicole now had a knowing smile. "Oh, Sandi! Sounds to me like you're starting to develop genuine feelings for Tom. You couldn't go through with it because playing him was something you just couldn't bring yourself to do. You wanted him for his money at first, but now you want him because there's potential for something real."

Curious, Sandi asked "What are you saying, Nicole?"

Nicole explained "I'm saying that you planned to seduce him into a sham relationship so you could get access to his money and connections, but now you're developing real feelings for him and can't bring yourself to go through with the plan because of it."

"So," said Sandi, "What should I do?"

Nicole said "Pursue a relationship with Tom."

"That's what I was already doing!" said an impatient Sandi.

"A REAL relationship," said Nicole, "Not an I'll-fuck-you-in-exchange-for-money-and-status relationship."

Sandi said nothing.

"In the meantime," said Nicole, "I suggest you sleep on it and enjoy the rest of your stay." After a brief pause, she added "But not too much."

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, the next day...**

Quinn, Jim, Helen, Jake and Daria were all gathered in the living room.

"Thanks for coming" said Quinn.

Helen said "Our pleasure, Quinn. After all..." Suddenly, her cell phone went off. Helen immediately answered. "This had better be good." Her eyes went wide. "What!? Dammit, I shouldn't still have to do this!...Fine, I'll be right there and put it on the firm's account, but you have to explain it to the other partners and don't you dare pin this one on me." Helen angrily hung up. "I have to bail Eric out of jail...again!"

"Drunk driving?" asked Daria, "Or cocaine possession?"

"Both" admitted an embarrassed Helen. Without another word she left.

Seeking to ease the tension, Jake asked "So, how are we doing it this year?"

Jim said "The way my family does it every year, with one small change. In my family the men spend Thanksgiving lazing around while the women do all the work. Fortunately.."

Jake interrupted him. "It was the same thing in my family" he said with rising anger in his voice. "Oh, I always offered to help in the kitchen, but would Dad let me? 'No' he said. 'That's women's work' he said. 'You don't wanna be a pansy, Jake'. 'Real men don't work in the kitchen, Jake'. 'I'LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU, YOU GUTTLESS LITTLE WEAKLING!' 'YOU NEED TO GO TO VIETNAM AND KILL YOU SOME COMMIES, JAKE!!!' DAMMIT, DAD, I DON'T WANNA KILL PEOPLE IN A STINKING JUNGLE, YOU PSYCHOTIC...."

Quinn immediately stepped in. "DAD!"

This snapped Jake out of his rant. "Sorry."

"As I was saying," said an unfazed Jim, "The difference it that Quinn's only making dessert, I'm taking care of the rest."

"And just what's on the menu, garcon" Daria quipped.

Jim said "Five courses, that's how we do it in an Italian-American household. First course is Tortellini Soup, then Antipasto. Then..."

"Antipasto?" asked Jake.

Jim explained "A massive salad consisting of lettuce, onions, peppers, olives, figs, artichokes, pepperoncini, baby tomatoes, salami, proscutto and capacola." After a brief pause, he went on. "After that, a pasta dish. This year we're doing Veal Marsala over Linguine. Then, the main course of turkey with stuffing, corn on the cob, green beans and steamed carrots."

Finishing, Quinn said "For dessert I'm baking Tiramisu."

Jake said "Can I help?"

Jim said "You can slice the meats for the antipasto."

Daria deadpanned "Dad with a knife. What could possibly go wrong?"

After thinking for a second, Jim said "On second thought, why don't you just relax and enjoy yourself?"

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the cove...**

Sandi and the Sloanes were watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on TV. Turning to Kay, Sandi asked "Can I help with anything?"

Before Kay could answer, Mildred said "Don't be silly, dear. I have a professional catering service bringing by dinner, but thanks for offering."

"Wouldn't want to deprive people of their wages, would you" Tom joked.

"Thomas" said Angier in a stern tone.

Sandi sat there deep in thought.

_His family likes me, that part of the plan worked. Problem is, the more time I spend with Tom the more I want him for who he is, not what he can give me. I could try having a genuine relationship with him, but what if it doesn't work? Where does that leave me? Still dancing naked at Cafe Risque, that's where._

Sandi looked at Tom. He saw this and smiled, which caused Sandi to blush.

 _Still_ she thought, He is a nice guy. _A little egotistical and with a habit of putting his foot in his mouth, perhaps, but a guy I can suddenly see myself having something real with. Not a fling that fizzles out after a few months, like with Joey, or a sham relationship like what I got sucked into with both Adam and Danielle, but something that leads to happily ever after._

Sandi shook her head.

_I sound like a love sick schoolgirl. Here I am, thinking of Tom as my Prince Charming and I've only just begun to really get to know him. The last time I felt like this was with Ashley back in college, and that was the one that ruined my life. Do I wanna take that risk again? What if Tom turns out to be a male version of Ashley?_

Sandi continued to dwell.

_Then again, Tom's not like Ashley at all. She seduced me and then tossed me to the curb rather than give up sleeping with other people on the side. Just like..._

She had an epiphany.

_Me!? I was planning to do the same thing with Tom, but now I can't. I can't because I'm starting to have real feelings for him. Tom deserves better. He's been nothing but nice to me this whole time. When his parents asked what I do he instantly told them I was an office assistant. If he really were the monster everyone thinks he is he would've outed me as a stripper and had a laugh at my humiliation. Instead, he covered for me. In fact, he's nicer than I am. He deserves better than me._

At this point, Sandi remembered something Quinn said to her a long time before.

_"Why don't you do what the rest of us are doing and GROW UP!?!"_

Sandi made her decision.

_I wish I'd listened. Instead, I spent a few months on the outs with everyone and then went on to make a bunch of other reckless decisions and spend most of the past decade feeling sorry for myself. I'm not doing that anymore. I want to be happy, and being around Tom makes me happy._

At this point, Tom brought Sandi out of her self-reflection. "Sandi," he said, "Since we have a few hours to kill before we eat I was wondering if we might take a walk on the beach?"

 _How did he know that's one of my romantic fantasies!?_ Sandi asked herself. Out loud, she said "Sure."

* * *

**The beach, later...**  
 **Music:** "Escape (the Pina Colota Song)"

Tom and Sandi were walking and enjoying the cool November air.

"So, what do you think of my family?" Tom asked.

"They're really nice" Sandi replied.

Tom said "I know. Sorry I put you in this awkward situation. Although, I have to admit you're a better person than I ever gave you credit for."

Sandi suddenly looked serious. "Tom, I'm not as good as you think."

"What do you mean?"

Sandi took a deep breath. "I have a confession, Tom. When you invited me up here I said yes because I was planning to seduce you. I...Well, I don't wanna keep stripping until my looks start to go and become a prostitute after that. I figured if I seduced you and charmed your family then I could avoid that by marrying into money. I came here with the intention of using you. I was gonna basically use my body to manipulate you into being my sugar daddy. That's why I came into your room last night showing too much boob. Then, we started talking and I just couldn't go through with it. We actually have a lot in common and I realized two things. One, you don't deserve some gold digging slut. Two, I'd rather be with someone because of how they make me feel, not what they can do for me. Tom, I like you, as in 'like' like you and that's why I decided not to go through with my original plan."

Tom said nothing but looked Sandi directly in the eye, as if trying to determine whether or not she was manipulating him now.

Nervous, Sandi said "Please say something."

Tom said "I have to admit, you aren't telling me anything I haven't figured out on my own. Let's just say it's hardly the first time a beautiful woman tried to seduce me because she was after my money."

"I'm not doing that now," said Sandi, "If we get together I want it to be real, not some gold-digging type of thing." After a sigh, she added "If you never wanna see me again I understand."

Tom looked thoughtful for a second. Finally, he spoke. "Actually, the fact that you didn't go through it and told me the truth without any prodding says a lot. Sandi, you aren't the manipulative bitch I've been told."

"And you aren't the self-important rich boy I've been told."

Tom smiled.

"Um, What now?" Sandi asked.

"I like you," Tom admitted, "And what you just told me hasn't changed that. Quite the opposite, actually. The fact that you came clean tells me I should give you a chance." After a brief second, he said "Tell you what. How about when we get back to Lawndale we do dinner and a movie, my treat?"

Sandi's heart skipped a beat when he said that. "I'd love to."

They suddenly became lost in each others eyes. Sandi hesitated until...

_Screw it!_

She immediately grabbed Tom and kissed him. One could almost hear the following chorus...

_If you like Pina Colatas_   
_And getting caught in the rain_   
_If you're not into yoga_   
_If you have half a brain_   
_If you like making love at midnight_   
_By the dunes on the cape_   
_Then let's get together_   
_Come with me and escape_

* * *

**Pizza Prince, a few days later...**

Over pizza Sandi was telling Nicole how it went down at the cove.

"So, just a kiss?" Nicole asked.

"Just a kiss" Sandi confirmed. "We'd both prefer to get a few dates in before taking things further. You know, make sure what we're feeling is real."

Visibly relieved, Nicole said "Glad you finally saw the light of reason."

Sandi said "You're advice really helped. You're a lot like Quinn."

"Duh," said Nicole, "That's why she's been my BFF for the past eight years. You know, I told her about this and she's just as worried as I was."

Sandi said "Well, you can tell Quinn everything's okay. I didn't go through with the original plan."

"You could tell her yourself," said Nicole, "It's obvious you're over the Danny incident."

Sandi frowned. "Almost," she admitted, "While I'm no longer broken up over Danny and I get that Quinn didn't do anything, I'm not ready to face her just yet."

"I see," said Nicole, who immediately wanted to change the subject. "So, you and Tom Sloane, huh?"

"I know you dated him briefly" said Sandi.

Shrugging it off, Nicole said "It was just a brief fling, and it's ancient history. Besides, I'm happily married now." After a pause, she added "Looks like the last single among us is finally ready to settle down."

"Amen to that, sister" Sandi replied.

They clinked their soda cups together and smiled.

**The End.**


	6. Return To Highland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While traveling to California to spend Christmas with Jim's brother, Quinn and Jim experience car trouble near Highland, TX. Guest starring Beavis and Butt-Head.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and a guy on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Return To Highland"**   
**story by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, morning...**

There was a thin layer of snow on the ground and Christmas decorations on all the houses because it's December. Quinn and Jim were in the driveway loading their luggage into Quinn's car. They are obviously going on a road trip. Kevin, their next door neighbor, walked up to them.

"Hey, Quinn and Jim. What's up?"

Quinn said "We're going on a road trip."

Kevin's face lit up with excitement. "Cool, a road trip! Where are you guys going?"

Jim said "We're spending Christmas with my brother and his wife. They live in California."

"Cool!" said Kevin.

"I know," said Quinn in anticipation, "This year we're ditching the ice and snow for sun and surf."

At this point Brittany emerged from the front door of her and Kevin's house in a skintight black mini-dress, leather jacket, stilletto heels and black leggings. She looks like she's about to go on a hot date.

Seeing how her neighbor was dressed, Quinn said "Brittany, it's 27 degrees out! Why are you dressed like that?"

Brittany immediately fed Quinn her excuse. "I want to thank Daryl for helping me get back into shape after that last baby by treating him to breakfast before we hit the gym."

Kevin bought his wife's excuse. "Cool!"

Brittany added "By the way, Kevie, I need you to watch the kids today. I probably won't be back till late this evening."

"Long workout?" asked Kevin, who suspected nothing.

"Yes," said a suspiciously excited Brittany, "I'll probably be exhausted when I get home."

The possibility of his wife cheating on him with her personal trainer never once occurred to Kevin as he said "No pain, no gain, babe."

It was then that Daryl pulled up in his Corvette with the song "Feel Like Makin' Love" by Bad Company blasting on the stereo.

Brittany's heart skipped a beat as she said "He's here! Bye, Kevie."

Kevin still had no idea what was really going on as he said "Later, babe."

Brittany skipped over to Daryl's car. Once inside she kissed Daryl on the cheek as they drove off. Once they were gone Kevin said "It's awful nice of Brit to take him to breakfast before they head to the gym."

Quinn and Jim gave Kevin a pitiful look, but he didn't notice.

 _If you believe they're going to the gym I have a bridge to sell you_ Quinn thought.

* * *

 **Quinn's car on I-95, later...**  
 **Music:** "The Traveller" by A Flock Of Seagulls

Quinn was driving while Jim was riding shotgun and their dog, Storm, was in the back seat.

"So, how long a drive is this?" asked Quinn.

"Four days" said Jim.

Quinn frowned. "Why didn't we just fly from Baltimore to LA?"

Jim said "Because with air travel being what it is these days it's a lot less stressful to go across country by car."

Quinn immediately understood. "I see your point."

They stayed on I-95 until they're just south of Richmond, VA. After that they gave Storm a brief walk at a rest stop on the outskirts of Richmond. Once back in the car they took I-85 from Petersburg, VA to Durham, NC and then I-40 to Knoxville, TN, where they stayed in a motel for the evening. The next day they took I-40 to Little Rock, Arkansas and then I-30 to Texarkana. It was in Texarkana that they stopped for the evening. The next day they continued on I-30 to Dallas, TX, where it merges with I-20.

They were in the middle of Texas, a good ways west of the Dallas/Ft. Worth area when they hit a major snag.

* * *

**On the side of I-20, in the middle of nowhere...**

Quinn and Jim were sitting outside the car, which had a flat tire and no spare. Jim was less than thrilled at this development. Irritated, he said "'We should stop in Arlen and get that tire fixed, Quinn.' 'It isn't wise to drive cross country with only four tires, Quinn.' Does any of that ring a bell...Quinn?"

Unfazed, Quinn said "Every word, babe. Do you also remember me saying you worry too much? So we had a little setback. I called triple A."

Still irritated, Jim said "You know this is gonna put us seriously behind schedule."

Now a little irritated herself, Quinn said "Hey, it was your idea to drive. Besides, I know where we are. We're just a few minutes drive from Highland, where I'm originally from. I can show you around."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "I thought you told me Highland was a dump."

Quinn explained "It is, but it's where I spent the first fourteen years of my life so I wouldn't mind revisiting where I spent my childhood. A chance to reminisce about childhood innocence."

At this point a hauler pulled up to them. The driver, a thirty-something man with a blond mullet, stubbly face and a beer gut emerged. He speaks with a heavy Texas twang.

"Howdy there, lil' lady. You the who called a wrecker?"

Smiling politely, Quinn said "Yeah, we need you to take us to a palce where we can get two tires fixed."

"That ain't no problem," said the driver, "There's a great place in Highland I can take yuh too."

Quinn smiled sweetly. "Thanks."

* * *

**The Burger World in Highland (the same one Beavis and Butt-Head worked at), a short time later...**

Quinn and Jim were walking towards the place, which had outdoor seating.

Quinn said "That wasn't so bad, was it. We'll get a bite here then go back to the tire place. I can even show you around."

Jim scanned the area. Everywhere he looked there were cracked sidewalks, poorly maintained lawns, run down houses and even a guy scoring drugs from Todd Ianuzzi. "You weren't kidding," he said, "this town really is a dump. Are you sure you'll be okay out here with Storm while I go in and get the food?"

"Jim, I'll be fine," Quinn reassured, "It's no worse than when I lived here."

**Inside, a few seconds later...**

Beavis and Butt-Head were working at the counter. Except for being 12-13 years older they look the same as they did on back in 1997.

"I'm bored," said Butt-Head, "Huh-huh, huh-huh...This sucks...huh-huh."

Beavis said "Yeah...heh-heh...Let's burn something...heh-heh, hmm-hmm...Fire...FIRE...FIRE..."

"Uh...huh-huh...Settle down, Beavis...huh-huh..."

Jim approached the counter. "Um, Guys?"

This got their attention.

"Uh...huh-huh...Like, can I take your order?...huh-huh..." Butt-Head asked.

Jim said "Yeah, I'll have one medium-sized Big 'n' Jucy combo and one salad, both with a medium diet Ultra-Cola."

Butt-Head was amused. "Uh...huh-huh...You said "Big"...huh-huh..."

Beavis added "Ummm...heh-heh...I've got a big and juicy schlong...heh-heh..."

Turning to Beavis, Butt-Head said "Uhhhh...No you don't...huh-huh...Dumbass...huh-huh..."

This angered Beavis. "heh-heh...Shut up, fartknocker! I do too have a big schlong....heh-heh...Boi-yoy-yoy-yoy-ing...heh-heh..."

Jim looked at them with a mixture of irritation and amusement.

"Uh, Guys, about my order."

The two idiots stopped arguing and turned their attention back to Jim.

Thinking, as much as he can, Butt-Head said "Uhhhh...huh-huh...ummm....Oh, yeah!...huh-huh...Uh, We'll, like get right on it...huh-huh...What did you order again?"

Jim rolled his eyes and groaned in frustration.

* * *

**Outside, sometime later...**

Jim came out of the restaurant with the food. He took it to the table where Quinn was waiting with the dog. He set it down and took a seat.

"Sorry it took so long. They had these two idiots working the counter."

Quinn nodded in understanding. "Trust me, Jim, there's no shortage of people like that in this town. That's one of the reasons we left."

Jim said "Well, these two were really dumb. As in make Kevin look like a Rhodes Scholar dumb."

Quinn giggled at that comment.

**Meanwhile, inside...**

Beavis and Butt-Head were still at the counter.

"Heh-heh...hmm-hmm...I'm bored...heh-heh..." said Beavis.

Butt-Head looked right at Beavis. "Dammit, Beavis, if you start spanking your monkey in front of me I'm gonna kick your ass....huh-huh...I said "spank"...huh-huh..." At this point, Butt-Head looked out the window and saw Quinn and Jim having their lunch. The sight of Quinn turned him on. "Whoa, check it out, Beavis. That dude that was in here is with a hot chick."

Beavis looked out the window. "Whoa, cool! hmm-hmm...She looks familiar...heh-heh...Do we know her?"

**Highland Middle School, 1996...**

A scene from the Beavis and Butt-Head episode "Held Back", in which the two kept getting sent back a grade. They're back in eight grade and Butt-Head is hitting on a thirteen year old Quinn.

"Uh...huh-huh...Hey, baby...huh-huh...You wanna go out with an older man?...huh-huh..."

Quinn gasped in horror.

**Burger World, 2009...**

Butt-Head said "Uhhh....No, I've never seen her...huh-huh...Let's get her to trade up...huh-huh..."

Beavis said "Yeah...hm-hm...Maybe she's a slut and we'll score...heh-heh..."

**Outside, a minute later...**

Quinn was eating her salad when she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Uh...huh-huh...Hey, baby..."

Quinn gasped as she knows that voice all too well.

Butt-Head said "I'm, like, available...huh-huh...You wanna be with a real man?...huh-huh...."

An overly excited Beavis added "Yeah...heh-heh...Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing...heh-heh..."

Quinn was mortified.

* * *

**Act II**   
**The Burger World in Highland, day...**

Quinn and Jim were at an outdoor table trying to eat lunch while a still very moronic Beavis and Butt-Head are pestering them.

Trying, and failing as he always does with the opposite sex, to seduce Quinn, Butt-Head said "So...huh-huh...I'm, like sensitive to a womans needs...huh-huh...I'll give it to ya good."

Quinn was both disgusted and embarassed. Jim, not feeling the least bit threatened by the duo because of their obvious stupidity, eyed them curiously. Finally, he said "Look, could you please not harass my fiancee?"

"Jim, don't bother," said Quinn, "These are those two morons that used to follow Daria around. Allow me to introduce Beavis and Butt-Head."

Impressed, Beavis said "Whoa! heh-heh...You knew Diarrhea?...hmm-hmm..."

"She's my sister" said an increasingly annoyed Quinn.

Beavis said "Heh-heh...I heard she, like, killed herself...heh-heh..."

Rapidly losing her patience, Quinn said "No, we just moved."

Butt-Head said "So, baby...huh-huh...You wanna ditch this guy for a real man?...huh-huh...That'd be cool...huh-huh..."

Added Beavis "Yeah...hmh-hmh...We're ready to do you...heh-heh...".

Quinn was now totally disgusted. "Ewwwww! No way!"

Undeterred (or, more likely, just too dumb to know a rejection when he hears it), Butt-Head said "Uhhh...Are you sure?...huh-huh...Come to Butt-Head...huh-huh..."

Beavis said "Yeah...hmm-hmm...Then come to me...heh-heh..."

It was at this point that Jim lost his patience and got right in their faces. "Look, she's not interested, alright. Why don't you too assholes go back inside and get back to work?"

Their reaction was about what one would expect.

"Huh-huh-huh-huh...You said "ass"...huh-huh..."

"Dammit, I wanna score!" said a now irate Beavis.

Jim balled his hand into a fist. This caused Quinn to give the two idiots a pitying look. Jim then punched them both so hard that they fell to the ground. When they tried to get up he kicked each of them in turn. Standing over the dysfunctional duo, Jim barked "Now, leave us alone or I'll kick your asses some more!"

Quinn walked up to Jim. "Actually, I've lost my appetite. Let's go, Jim."

With that, they left. Once they were gone, Butt-Head said "He just kicked our asses...huh-huh..."

Beavis said "Yeah...hmm-hmm...We should, like, follow them and kick his ass...hmm-hmm...Then she'll, like, see how badass we are and want us...heh-heh..."

Butt-Head's face lit up as he mistakenly believed this to be a good idea. "Huh-huh...Whoa! That's, like, a really good idea, Beavis...huh-huh..."

They stood up and started walking in the direction Quinn and Jim had gone.

"Let's show her what studs we are...huh-huh..." said Butt-Head.

"Yeah...hmm-hmm...Then we'll, like, finally score...heh-heh..." said Beavis.

"Yeah...huh-huh...We're finally gonna get some...huh-huh..."

(A/N: Idiots!)

* * *

**A Chevy dealership in Highland, day...**

Quinn and Jim were seated on a bench outside of the service center. They couldn't go inside because they had Storm with them.

"Sorry I lost my cool with those guys back there" said Jim.

Quinn said "That's okay, Jim. Beavis and Butt-Head have that effect on people."

Stifling a laugh, Jim said "You know, the few times you've talked about them over the years I thought you were exaggerating. I can't believe they're really that dumb."

Quinn said "I can't believe they're not dead or in prison by now."

The waiting area at the service department...

Beavis and Butt-Head were in there looking for Quinn and Jim. It hasn't occurred to either of them that they're waiting outside because they have a dog with them.

"Uhh...hmm-hmm...Are you sure they came here, Butt-Head?...heh-heh..." said Beavis.

Butt-Head said "Uhh...Positive...huh-huh...Maybe they're taking a dump...huh-huh..."

"Yeah...hmm-hmm...Poop...heh-heh..."

At this point Beavis scanned the room. He spotted a coffee machine in the corner.

"heh-heh...Cool!...I'm thirsty...heh-heh..."

Beavis made his way over to the coffee machine and poured himself a cup. After one sip his eyes went wide.

"Whoa!...heh-heh...This is pretty good...heh-heh..."

He chugged the cup down and poured another, and another before chugging straight out of the pot. He then began to spin his head around violently as he continued to chug coffee.

"yabbba-gabba-rowrrrrrrr-nyachhhhhhh-guhhhhh-picata-picataroliofoliopolio...hyaghhhh...nyaghhhhhh....habbadseeetaahhhhhcpaapppppachirrrrrroooooooo...."

He then took the jar of sugar next to the coffee machine and practically ripped the top off. Beavis then proceeded to pour all of the sugar into his mouth. Losing his mind, he then went to the soda machine and smashed it open. After that, Beavis started chugging soda.

"Nyaaahhhhhhh.....Geeeyyyyyyyaaaaahhhhhh.,..rowwwwwrrrrrrrrrrr....misquitolibidoportofinooliorolioholio...nyaaaaaaahhhhhh...GRRRRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."

* * *

**The bench outside...**

While Quinn held Storm's leash Jim got up from his seat. "I'm gonna get a snack from the vending machine inside," said Jim, "You want anything?"

"No, thanks," Quinn replied. Looking at her watch, she added "If we have time I'll show you around once the car's fixed."

Jim smiled and nodded as he entered the building.

**Inside, a few seconds later...**

Once inside Jim saw Beavis and Butt-Head by the coffeee machine. Beavis was continuing to spaz out from all the sugar and caffeine while Butt-Head just stood there.

"Nyaaaahhhhhh...Nyaaaahhhhh....habbbadcitomosquitolibidocaccachurrrro....rohhhhhhhhh."

Butt-Head said "Uhh...Settle down, Beavis, or you'll soil your drawers...huh-huh...That'd be cool...huh-huh..."plop"...huh-huh..."

Seeing this, Jim immediately grew concerned. _He looks like he's in trouble. I'd better make sure he's okay._ After a brief pause, he thought _Damn conscience_.

Jim walked over to them as Beavis pulled his shirt over his head.

"Are you alright?"

Beavis balled up his fists and spoke in a Spanish accent.

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME!?"

Jim was taken aback.

"What!? No, I was asking if you're okay."

Beavis raised his hands in the air.

"I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!"

Now, Jim was puzzled.

"Um, what?"

"TP!!! YOU MUST GEEVE ME YOUR TP!!!! MY BUNGHOLE WILL NOT WAIT!!!"

Jim stared in stunned silence as Beavis continued his rant.

"I AM CORNHOLIO, KING OF BUNGHOLIO! I NEED TP!!!!! I HAVE NO BUNGHOLE, FOR THERE IS BUT ONE BUNGHOLE!"

Beavis made his way to the snack machine and looked at the candy.

"MY BUNGHOLE WILL EAT NOW!"

He headbutts the machine so hard that the glass shatters.

"THE FEAST OF CACA WILL BEGIN!!!!!"

Jim was now absolutely dumbfounded.

* * *

**Meanwhile, outside...**

Quinn was still on the bench holding Storm's leash. She's unaware of what's going on inside. She looked at her watch and became a little concerned.

_What's taking Jim so long?_

Suddenly, the door swung open and Beavis came out as Cornholio. This startled Quinn who, unlike Daria, has never seen him like this, though she's heard stories about it.

"Ahhhhhh!"

"I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I AM A GRINGO! I HAVE NO BUNGHOLE! SUBMIT TO THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLIO!!!!!!!"

Quinn backed away and tried to put as much distance between herself and Beavis as possible. Storm, noticing Quinn's distress, went into gurad dog mode and started growling at Beavis.

Turning his attention to the dog, Beavis screamed "ARE YOU THREATENING ME? YOU DO NOT WANT TO FACE THE WRATH OF MY BUNGHOLE!!!!!"

Storm barked at him.

Beavis responded to the barking with "RAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-JUNGA-JUNGA-ROWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-POOOP-TITTICACA!!! IN NICARAGUA! AGUA FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!!!"

Storm was so frightened the he immediately cowered behind Quinn with his tail between his legs. Freaked, Quinn ran into the dealership, taking Storm with her.

"YOU ENTER MY BUNGHOLE!! FOR THERE IS BUT ONE BUNGHOLE!"

Beavis proceeded to follow them inside.

"RUN AS YOU MAY!!! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE!!!!"

**Inside, a few seconds later...**

Quinn and Storm ran into Jim.

"Quinn," said Jim, "I don't know what happened, but that Beavis guy started freaking out, calling himself Cornholio and screaming gibberish."

Quinn frantically explained "He's outside. He scared the crap out of me and Storm so we ran in here."

Suddenly, Beavis stands in front of the doors.

"I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!! MY BUNGHOLE WILL DESTROY ALL IF YOU DO NOT GIVE ME TP! TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE! THE RIVERS WILL FLOW WITH THE BLOOD OF THE NON BELIEVERS, FOR THERE IS BUT ONE BUNGHOLE!!! ALL WHO DO NOT BOW TO THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE WILL PERISH IN THE FLAMES OF BUNGHOLIO!!!! FOR I AM CORNHOLIO!!!! I HAVE NO BUNGHOLE!!! TP!!! GEEVE ME YOUR TP!!!"

Everyone froze with fear...except Butt-Head.

"huh-huh...This is cool!...huh-huh-huh..."

"NONE MAY ESCAPE THE POWER OF MY BUNGHOLE!!!"

* * *

**Highland police station...**

A female police dispatcher was just handed a transcript of a 911 call.

"You sure about this?" the dispatcher asked.

"Positive" said the cop who'd just given her the transcript.

The dispatcher immediately turned on her microphone.

"Attention, all units. Hostage situation at Bubba's Chevrolet."

* * *

**Act III**   
**Outside Bubba's Chevrolet in Highland, TX...**

A slick looking news reporter was looking at the camera and speaking into a microphone. Behind him and army of cops were positioned outside the dealership in a tense standoff.

"This is the scene at Bubba's Chevrolet in Highland as police find themselves in a tense standoff. A terrorist calling himself Cornholio has taken everyone inside hostage. Police are trying to find a way to resolve the situation without bloodhed."

Meanwhile, the lead cop on the scene it talking to one of his detectives.

"Do we know anything about this guy?"

The detective said "Only that he calls himself Cornholio. Beyond that, nothing."

The reporter, meanwhile, continued to talk to the camera.

"We know nothing else at the moment, but we'll report more as it develops. Ron Richardson, Channel 5 News."

**Meanwhile, inside...**

Everyone, save Butt-Head, was frightened as Beavis stood before them spouting demands as Cornholio. There was a huge pile of toilet paper rolls in front of him.

"MORE TP!!!! I MUST HAVE MORE TP!!!"

The manager of the service department said "But we've emptied out both the public and employee restrooms. There is no more!"

Beavis angrily shouted "NONE MAY LEAVE UNTIL MY BUNGHOLE IS APPEASED!!!! TP!!!! YOU MUST GEEVE MEE MORE TP!!!! TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!"

* * *

**Outside...**

The cops have rigged up a speaker phone in order to communicate back and forth with the people inside.

"Okay, chief," said the technician, "I'm calling them now."

**Inside...**

One of the phone's rang, angering Beavis.

"IS THAT TP!?! TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!! ANSWER FOR THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE!!!"

The manager picked up the phone. "Yes." After a moment he nodded and put the phone on speaker.

"This is Michael Carlson, Highland Police Department."

"I AM CORNHOLIO!!! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!!"

On the speaker, Carlson asked "What are your demands?"

"TP, I DEMAND TP!!!! TP, FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!"

"You want toilet paper!? Why!?!"

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME!?!" Beavis shouted, "DO NOT QUESTION THE WEEL OF MY BUNGHOLE!!!"

Carlson calmly said "No, I'm not threatening you, Mr. Cornholio. I just want to understand why you want TP."

Beavis said "I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!! MY PEEPLE, WE MUST HAVE TP!!! FOR WE HAVE BEEN WEETHOUT TP!!! OUR TP, IT MUST GO TO THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE!!!"

Trying to talk Beavis down, Carlson asked over the speaker "Where is this...Almighty Bunghole?"

"EEN LAKE TEETEECACA!!!" shouted Beavis, "EEN NEECARAGUA!!!"

"Nicaragua!?" exclaimed Carlson over the speaker.

"AGUA FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!"

* * *

**Outside, a short time later...**

Carlson was now talking with a psychiatrist.

"Apparently, he's a Nicaraguan terrorist. He wants toilet paper to take to Nicaragua. What do you think?"

The psychiatrist, a balding man with glasses, said "He's clearly an imbalanced individual. This man seems to suffer from delusional psychosis with potential homicidal tendences."

Chief Carlson asked "What do you think he'll do it his demands aren't met?"

"Based on my knowledge of this particular disorder," said the shrink, "If his demands are not met he will begin killing hostages."

"How far will he go?" asked the chief.

The psychiatrist explained "He'll see this through to the last hostage, or his own death."

"So," said the chief, "lethal force?"

"If you want to save the hostages with minimum bloodshed," said the psychiatrist, "Offer to meet all of his demands. Maybe even bring some TP to show as a good faith gesture. This will get him to let his guard down. Also claim to have tickets to Nicaragua and promise more TP if he'll come out. When he exits the building, take him down any way you can."

The chief turned towards the SWAT commander.

"Go to Pay Day and buy as much Charmin as you can carry."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

**Inside the dealership, later...**

Beavis was still Cornholio. He continued to rant as such.

"TP!!! WE MUST GEEVE TP TO THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE!!! DEEP EEN THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLIO LIES THE GREAT OLIO!!!"

A small boy turned to his mother. "Mommy, what's a bunghole?"

Beavis got right in their faces.

"YOU ARE A BUNGHOLE!! AND SO AM I! FOR WE ARE ALL CHEELDREEN OF THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLIO!!"

Beavis began to sing as he paced around.

"BUNGHOLIOOOOO-OH-OOOOOOOOOO!!!! I HAVE NO BUNGHOOOOOLLLLLLLE!"

Turning to Quinn, Jim asked "Does he always get like this when he has too much sugar and caffeine?"

"According to Daria," said Quinn, "Yes."

At this point, Chief Carlson's voice boomed through a bullhorn.

"MR. CORNHOLIO, WE HAVE YOUR TP. IT'S WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE."

"YES," screamed Beavis, "TP, FOR MY BUNGHOLIO!!!"

Beavis walked out the door. No sooner had he done that when a whole SWAT team immediately pounced on him.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

They proceeded to put the cuffs on Beavis. They then dragged him to an armored carrier for transport to booking.

"YOU WEEL TAKE ME, BUT YOU WEEL NEVER TAKE MY BUNGHOLE!!!"

Everyone inside breathed a huge sigh of relief that it was over.

Laughing moronically, Butt-Head said "...huh-huh...Beavis is going to jail....huh-huh...Cool!...huh-huh..."

Quinn and Jim both rolled their eyes at him.

* * *

 **A highway in the middle of nowhere, evening...**  
 **Music:** "Highway Song" by Blackfoot

Quinn's car was now fixed and she, Storm and Jim were back on the road. Storm was curled up and sleeping in the backseat.

"So, that was Highland?" said Jim, "I can see why your family left."

"Tell me about it," said Quinn, "I tried to be optimistic and make the best of a bad situation and look where it got us."

Jim said "At least all three of us made it out of there in one piece. I can't wait to return to the real world."

"Now that you mention it" said Quinn, "the people there are a little cartoonish, aren't they?"

Jim said "It's almost like Highland and Lawndale aren't even in the same universe. Even I was acting a little over the top. "

It was at this point that Quinn remembered something. "When we first moved to Lawndale" she said, "Daria made some kind of joke about Highland having uranium in the drinking water. Now that I've been back I'm wondering if she may have been on to something."

"I have to admit, it would explain a lot" Jim replied.

Quinn said "Well, we can put it behind us now."

Jim said "California, here we come."

They continued west under a clear, star filled prairie sky.

**The End.**

* * *

  
**Author's Notes**  
1) that last conversation is an attempt to explain the more realistic tone of "Daria" as opposed to the more cartoonish world of "Beavis and Butt-Head".  
2) Speaking of those two dunderheads, I figure they still work at Burger World and never graduated high school. They either are still in ninth grade in their late twenties or, more likely, they just went through the motions until they realized that they could drop out.


	7. California Screamin'

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and a guy on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"California Screamin'"**   
**story by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Los Angeles, CA...**  
 **Music:** "California Gurls" by Katy Perry

Quinn's car was heading west on the Ventura Freeway. Inside the car Quinn was driving while Jim was in the passenger seat and their dog, Storm, was in the back seat.

"So, which exit do we take again?" asked Quinn.

"Seventeen," said Jim, "We take a left on Van Nuys, then a right on Ventura followed by a right on Sherman Oaks. "

Quinn immediately thought back to her teenage obsession with Hollywood and her desire to go to Pepperhill. "I used to dream about living in southern California. In fact, I think that's the only reason I applied to Pepperhill. I wanted to be part of the Hollywood scene." Quinn paused as she thought of just how much she's changed since those days and immediately felt a slight twinge of regret. She didn't regret that dream never coming true, but she did regret having such a superficial dream in the first place. "I can't believe I was so full of myself back then."

Jim reassured her. "You were just being a typical teenager. We've all been there."

Quinn felt better after hearing her fiance say that.

**A short time later...**

The car was now on a street in the Sherman Oaks neighborhood. As Quinn drove Jim gave her directions to his brother's house.

"It's the fourth house on the right."

Soon, Quinn pulled into a driveway in front of a huge two-story house done in the Spanish adobe style. The house had an immaculately maintained lawn. After coming to a stop and shutting off the engine Quinn, Jim and Storm exited and made their way to the front door. Jim's brother, Chris, answered. Chris was a tall and muscular 30 year old with a perfectly chisled face, a California tan, and jet black hair like his father.

"Jim, good to see ya, bro!"

Chris and Jim hugged.

"How you doin', Chris?"

Chris said "I'm good. Just got a new client, Orlando Bloom."

Chris was a casting agent in Hollywood, by the way. He had a lot of celebrity clients, a fact which their father, Tony, rubs Jim's nose in every chance he gets. Chris turned his attention to Quinn.

"How are you, soon-to-be-sis-in-law?"

They hugged.

"I'm good, Chris."

Chris turned his attention back to his younger brother. Remembering that their father hates Quinn, he asked "By the way, Jim, how did Dad take the news of this engagement?"

Jim said "He threatened to disown me but backed off when Mom threatened to divorce him."

Nodding, Chris said "Sounds about right."

They all entered the house.

* * *

**Back in Lawndale...**

At Pizza Prince Daria was eating pizza with Jane, who's down from New York to visit Daria for Christmas.

Noting the absence of Jane's archaeologist boyfriend, Daria asked "Why didn't you bring Alan? We invited him too."

"He had some stuff to take care of," said Jane, "The kind that involves excavating ruins in the Yucatan."

In her usual deadpan, Daria said "The wonders of living with an absentee archeaologist boyfriend."

Jane said "Hey, I live in a huge loft in SoHo rent free, so I'm not complaining. Speaking of relationships, you meet anyone?"

Daria rolled her eyes. "Jane, I'm stuck back in Lawndale living with my parents."

"So, that's a no?"

Daria nodded. "Even if I weren't a 28 year old living with her parents due to a shitty job market there's still the fact that it's impossible to find someone I'm compatible with in this town."

Before the conversation could continue they were approached by none other than Sandi Griffin. "Can I sit with you guys?"

Puzzled, Daria asked "Why us?"

Sandi explained "Because I feel like talking to someone and I'm still on the outs with Quinn."

Daria nodded to Jane.

"It's alright with me" said Jane in response.

Sandi proceeded to sit next to Jane.

"So, how have you been?" asked Daria.

"Surprisingly good, despite still feeling awkward around Quinn," Sandi answered, "I have a new boyfriend, Tom Sloane."

Jane's eyes went wide. "The same Tom Sloane who back in high school first dated me and then Daria, nearly destroying our friendship in the process?"

Sandi nodded. "He asked me out on a date and I said yes. Things just went from there." Sandi sighed before continuing. "I'm still lonely despite this. Don't get me wrong, Tom and I click perfectly in all the right boxes but I can't spend all of my free time with just him and Nicole's busy enjoying her happy marriage to a double amputee. The problem is that I'm currently on the outs with both Quinn and Stacy for reasons I'd rather not get into. "

Jane decided to change the subject before this conversation caused her to remember things that she'd rather forget. "How are you spending the holidays?" Sandi eyed Jane with suspicion. Seeing this, Jane said "I only ask because last I heard your family disowned you for being into both guys and girls."

Sandi let out a sigh before answering. "Alone with a TV dinner."

Remembering how that used to be a dream of hers, Jane stifled a chuckle before speaking. "I told you that it's overrated. Why don't you spend Christmas with us?"

While Sandi was tempted by the offer, she did have some reservations. "I'm not ready to face Quinn yet."

"Not an issue," said Daria, "She and Jim are in LA visiting his brother."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Chris's house in LA...**  
 **Music:** "Telephone" by Lady GaGa, feat. Beyonce

Quinn, Jim, Chris and his wife, Brooke, werere sitting down and talking. Brooke was a twenty-nine year old blonde with a dark tan, disporportionately large (and fake) boobs, and spoke with a valley girl accent. Her outfit was a pair of skintight black jeans and a red tank top so tight that it's a minor miracle her large boobs don't pop out. Jim and Chris couldn't help staring lustfully while Quinn eyed her with obvious jealousy.

Brooke was amusing them with stories from her job at a salon. "...so I told him that our salon only caters to the rich and famous, not smelly bums, so take your broke ass back to Malibu."

In a lusty trance, Jim said "That's so awesome, Brooke."

Brooke smiled, causing Jim to blush and Quinn to scowl.

"Thanks, Jim."

Chris smiled proudly as he's married to a stylist/aspiring actress with supermodel looks. "My wife is the greatest!"

"She certainly is, bro" replied Jim.

Both guys are clearly mesmerized by Brooke, which caused Quinn to speak to her with a tone of subtle hostility. "You know, Brooke, when I was in high school my dream was to go to Pepperhill."

Brooke pretended not to notice the jealous tone in Quinn's voice. "Me too, until Penn State offered me a cheerleading scholarship." She affectionately rubbed Chris's arm. "That's how I got my man here."

Chris said "I wasn't picked up by the NFL but I had a degree in marketing so Brooke asked me to come with her to LA. She helped me get a job with an agency. We've been friends with a lot of A list celebrities since then."

Brooke said "You'd be surprised how much Leonardo DiCaprio's let him self go in the last two years."

This awakened Quinn's compettitive streak. "You know" she said, "Jim and I are famous."

"I know," said Brooke, "I've seen your YouTube videos. It looks like a fun hobby."

Trying not to show how offended she was by the insinuation, Quinn said "It's not a hobby. That's what we both do for a living."

"How nice," Brooke replied in an insincere tone before changing the subject, "Did I tell you that Playboy called? They want me to pose for a Hot Housewives pictoral."

Smiling proudly, Chris said "That's great, honey."

Anticipating the addition of nude pics of Brooke to his spank bank, Jim said "Really cool."

Feeling insecure, Quinn stared daggers at Brooke before deciding to mention the time she posed nude for one of Jan's paintings. "I posed nude once. "

Everyone ignored her.

"I can't believe my sister in law's gonna pose for Playboy," said Jim, "Chris, you are one lucky son of a gun."

"Don't I know it" Chris bragged.

Brooke smiled at the praise while Quinn looked like she wanted to kill the blonde bimbo.

* * *

**Governor's Park Restaurant in Lawndale, evening...**

Sandi and Tom were sitting at a table on the dinner portion of their dinner and a movie date. They're making light hearted conversation.

Tom said "I know it's not Chez Pierre, but it's almost as good."

"That's fine," said Sandi, "Because of the incident last spring I heard they're going out of business."

Tom knew exactly what Sandi was talking about. "The crazy guy who was obsessed with Quinn and tried to kill her, but shot himself instead? You knew him, didn't you?"

Sandi nodded. "So do you. He's the guy Quinn had over for dinner that one time. I think you were there too."

Tom smirked. "So, I hit it off with a psychopath. I'm sure Daria would have some interesting things to say about that."

Sandi stifled a laugh.

Tom said "I've probably said this plenty of times before, but you're really beautiful when you smile."

"Yes, you've told me many times." After a brief pause, Sandi added "But I never get tired of hearing you say it."

They stared into each others eyes and lost all concern for the fact that they're in public as they leaned into each other and kissed.

* * *

 **Chris and Brooke's house in LA, later that same evening...**  
 **Music:** "Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa

Quinn, Jim and Chris were on the living room sofa. While Jim and Chris made conversation Quinn scratched Storm behind the ears.

Noticing the absence of Chris's wife, Jim asked "Where's Brooke?"

Chris explained "She said she had some stuff to take care of in the office." Suddenly thoughtful, Chris looked at his watch. "Now that you mention it, she has been in there a while."

Jim's face lit up. He was always attracted to Brooke but even if he were single he wouldn't make a move because, one: she's married to his brother and, two: she was never interested in him anyway. "Want me to check on her?"

Quinn was instantly jealous. "Actually, honey, I'll check on her. You stay here and catch up with your brother."

"That'd be great," said Chris, "Thanks, Quinn."

Quinn got up and left.

**The hallway, a short time later...**

Quinn noticed that the door to the office was closed. Thinking nothing of it, she immediately opened the door. What she saw made her gasp in shock. Brooke was sitting on the desk with her skirt hiked up around her waist and her legs spread wide open. Her panties were resting on one ankle. A man was kneeling between her legs. What he was doing with his mouth made Brooke thrash her head around and cry out in pleasure.

"Ohhh...God...Ramon....soooo...good...YES...OHGODYES..."

Quinn immediately interrupted.

"WHAT THE HELL!?!"

Brooke instantly went from looking like a woman on the verge of orgasm to looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"EEP!"

The man, Ramon, who'd been going down on Brooke stood up with a start and looked very sheepish. Unable to think of anything else, Ramon blurted out "Um....This isn't what it looks like."

Quinn instantly folded her arms and gave them both a stern look. Brooke and her secret lover are so busted.

* * *

**Act II**   
**Chris and Brooke's house in LA, evening...**

In the home office Quinn has just walked in on another man, Ramon, going down on Chris's wife, Brooke. Brooke was pulling her panties back up and her skirt down while Ramon tried to explain what's going on.

"I...um...I was helping her find the...um...a pen."

Quinn wasn't buying it. "Between her legs? I don't think so. You were clearly going down on her."

Ramon turned beet red.

"Please don't tell Chris" Brooke pleaded.

Incredulous, Quinn said "I'm supposed to lie to my future brother in law. No way. No freakin' way."

Brooke glared menacingly at Quinn. "I'll make it worth your while" she said.

Quinn's eyes narrowed. "How, exactly?"

Smirking, Brooke said "Jim's obviously attracted to me. I could get him to sleep with me easily. Keep quiet and I won't do that."

Quinn stared daggers at Brooke. "You cheat on your husband with this guy and now you try to silence me by threatening to cheat on him with his brother!? You...you...you whore!"

Brooke grinned triumphantly. "My terms aren't negotiable. Keep your mouth shut or I will seduce your man."

Quinn stared daggers at Brooke.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Sandi's apartment in Lawndale...**  
 **Music:** "Your Love Is My Drug" by Ke$ha

Sandi and Tom's clothes are strewn all over the floor of her bedroom while they lay naked in bed. The sheets cover anything inappropriate, but it's obvious that they've just had sex.

"That was incredible" said a very satisfied Sandi.

"Thanks," said a satisfied Tom, "You were incredible yourself. In fact, you just gave me the kind of sex that I'll make it impossible for me to ever enjoy another woman.

Smiling at the compliment, Sandi asked "How'd you know I like it a little on the rough side?"

Tom said "Just had the feeling." After a brief pause, he added "That and you kept barking at me to go harder."

Stifling a laugh, Sandi said "I'm the kind of woman who's not shy about telling her sex partner exactly what she wants, and I like a little pain with my pleasure."

Tom said "And I like a woman who's not afraid to get a little wild in the sack."

"Just one more area where we're compatible" said Sandi. She then smiled seductively as she sensually traced a finger down Tom's chest. "I hope you have stamina to spare, stud, because we're a long way from done."

Sandi disappeared under the sheets. Tom loved what she did to him next.

* * *

**Century City district in LA, day...**

At the open air Century City Mall Quinn and Jim were walking alongside Chris and Brooke. There is obvious tension between Quinn and Brooke.

"So, where to shop first?" asked Brooke. Before continuing she glared menacingly at Quinn. When Brooke spoke again her voice took on a catty tone. "Why don't we go to Victoria's Secret? I could model lingerie for my husband and..." Her voice becomes sultry and she winks. "...Jim."

The double-entendre flew over the heads of both guys but hit Quinn like a ton of bricks. Recognizing Brooke's remark for the veiled threat that it was, Quinn immediately fired back. "Maybe we could go to the swimwear section of Cashman's" she said in a catty tone. "I'd love to model bikini's for both guys. After all, I know I look hot in a bikini. And I do it..." Her voice took on an accusing tone. "...naturally."

The subtle dig at Brooke's breast implants ruffled her feathers. Staring daggers at Quinn, she practically hissed "I happen to know I great place to get a bikini wax. Maybe, while the guys do shopping I can spring for Quinn to get a...makeover."

Quinn fired back. "At least I didn't have to go under the knife to land a man."

Brooke got in Quinn's face. "But my man's a casting agent with A-list connections. Your man's a mechanic."

"A mechanic with a business degree from Bromwell" Quinn retorted.

"And no ambition" Brooke spat in a very catty tone.

Neither woman was even trying to conceal her hostility at this point. It was about to get physical when Jim and Chris decided to intervene.

"Brooke, why don't you and me go and find presents for Quinn and Jim?" Chris said to his wife.

"Yeah, Quinn," said Jim to his fiance, "We can do the same for Brooke and Chris. I'd also like some one on one time."

As Jim and Quinn walked in one direction while Chris and Brooke walk in another the two women exchanged hostile glances.

* * *

 **A short time later...**  
 **Music:** "Watcha Say" by Jason Derulo

Quinn and Jim were walking and talking.

"I couldn't help but notice you and Brooke being really catty towards each other" said Jim matter-of-factly. "Is something going on?"

"Jim, what do you think of her?" asked Quinn.

"That she's your typical California blonde," Jim answered, "I know both Chris and my father like her, for obvious reasons."

Now letting her insecurity show, Quinn asked "Do you think she's, you know, hot?"

Jim's eyes went wide. "What brought this on?" When Quinn didn't respond, Jim added "Quinn, it's my experience that when a woman asks that it's usually a loaded question."

"Just humor me, babe" said Quinn in a reassuring tone.

Jim decided to be honest, despite being certain he'd regret it, and said "Look, I admit that she's very physically attractive. She was even before the implants. But she's not my type and you're physically attractive as well." After a brief pause, he asked "Are you jealous?"

Nervous, Quinn said "Jim, this is important. If she came on to you would you sleep with her?"

Once again, Jim's eyes went wide. "Are you crazy!?!"

"I don't know," said Quinn, "Am I?"

Jim thought it over for a second before answering. He knew this was the kind of conversation that could easily flush a happy relationship down the toilet. "She's not interested in me. She just likes to flirt. Even if she were interested I wouldn't do anything because I love you too much to do that to you. Even if I were single I wouldn't do anything because she's married to my brother. What's going on?"

Quinn looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "Um...Do you know a guy named Ramon?"

Jim said "Yeah, he's one of my brother's clients. He's an aspiring actor. Why?"

Quinn hung her head and sighed. "Brooke's having an affair with him."

Jim's eyes went wide a third time and his jaw dropped.

* * *

**Morgendorffer House, Christmas Eve...**

Jake and Helen were having a small get together. In the living room Eric was chatting up Rita (both of whom Helen invited solely out of habit) and Erin while Emma eyed them cooly. On the sofa Sandi was talking to Helen.

"Thanks for letting me stay over" said Sandi.

Helen replied "Sandi, it's my pleasure. After all, you're practically family."

Sandi sighed and looked sad.

"Is something wrong?" Helen asked.

"Do you remember Tom Sloane?" Sandi asked in turn.

"Daria's first steady boyfriend," said Helen, "Of course."

Sandi said "He and I are an item now."

Helen said "That's wonderful. Why do you look so down?"

Sandi admitted "It has nothing to do with Tom and I. Not really. It's just that my now being in a good relationship has me questioning why I'm still on the outs with Quinn."

Curious, Helen asked "Why? What happened?"

Sandi explained "I was dating a girl named Danielle Todds. We broke up because she kissed Quinn."

Helen gasped and her jaw dropped. "Oh, my!"

* * *

**Act III**   
**Morgendorffer House, Christmas Eve...**

Sandi has just told Helen why she and Quinn are currently not on speaking terms.

"Your girlfriend kissed my daughter!" said Helen.

"It turned out that Danny had a crush on Quinn the whole time," Sandi explained, "She was dating me to get to her."

Helen said "I can see why you'd be angry at Danielle, but why are you mad at Quinn?" At that point, it occurred to Helen that Quinn might be cheating on Jim with a woman, a woman that she stole off of Sandi. "She didn't, did she!?"

Sandi shook her head. "No, Quinn rejected her advances. She's straight."

"Actually" said Helen, "I was more concerned that she might be cheating on Jim."

"She isn't," said Sandi, "I cut it off with Quinn because I couldn't look at her without being reminded of this latest episode of heart break. Last month she and Stacy accused me of planting underwear in Jim's car to get back at her. I haven't spoken to either of them since then."

Helen stifled a giggle. "Quinn told me about that. It turned out the panties belonged to her next door neighbor. She was having sex with a guy in Jim's car and forgot her panties."

Sandi snickered before her expression turned serious again. "I miss Quinn and Stacy, but after this I'm afraid they won't talk to me anymore."

Helen put a hand on Sandi's shoulder as she reassured her. "Sandi, Quinn's more forgiving than you think. She understands that you stopped talking to her because of an awkward situation. No one did anything wrong. If you talk to her when she gets back from California she'll welcome you back with open arms, I know it."

Sandi visibly felt better.

* * *

**Chris and Brooke's house, Christmas Eve...**

Chris and Brooke were also having a small get together with friends and colleagues. Quinn and Jim were sitting on the couch in the living room. They both felt too awkward to enjoy themselves.

"I don't know what I find more shocking" said Jim, "Brooke cheating on Chris or her threatening to seduce me if you told anyone."

"Believe it," said Quinn, "She's a two-faced slut."

Brooke, who'd been chatting with some other women, cast a glance in Quinn and Jim's direction. _I hope she doesn't tell Chris about my indiscretion. Maybe I should remind her of what's at stake._

Brooke then walked over and sat next to Quinn and Jim. She's a little too close to Jim for comfort.

"Hiii, Jim" said Brooke in an overtly flirty tone. "Are you having fun?"

Jim nervously said "Um...Yeah."

Brooke gave Quinn a smug look. Quinn immediately understood that Brooke's coming on to Jim as a way to threaten her.

Giving Jim a lustful stare, Brooke asked "Jim, you wanna know a secret?" She pressed her lip to Jim's ear and whispered in a sultry tone. "I always liked you. I think you're..." She gives him a slight peck on his cheek. "...sexy."

At the word sexy Brooke placed a hand on Jim's thigh and began to subtley brushing him very close to his crotch. Seeing this but not wanting to cause a scene, Quinn silently boiled with rage.

Conitnuing to whisper erotically in Jim's ear, Brooke said "You like that? I know you don't wanna hurt your fiance or your brother but they don't have to know. I want you."

Brooke suddenly got up and walked away.

Simultaneously turned on and uncomfortable, Jim turned to Quinn and asked "Did she just come on to me?"

Seething, Quinn said "Yes, just to stick it to me." At this point, Quinn suddenly grinned as she got an idea.

* * *

**Chris and Brooke's kitchen, a short time later...**

Chris was getting a beer out of the refridgerator. He closed the fridge and looked up to find a serious looking Quinn standing right there.

"Chris, we need to talk."

Puzzled, Chris asked "What's going on? Did my brother do something?"

**Meanwhile, in the living room...**

Jim was sitting on the couch. Brooke sat down next to him with obvious seductive intent. "Where's Quinn?" she asked.

Jim gave Brooke a stern look. "Brooke, Quinn told me about you and Ramon."

Brooke looked white as a sheet for a moment. She then tried to justify her actions. "Look, Ramon's an actor. I'm helping him with his career so he can help me later on."

"By cheating on my brother" Jim ominously growled.

Brooke was instantly dismissive. "Don't act so shocked, Jim. This is LA. The only way to move up is to sleep your way to the top. I sleep with people in the business all the time."

This made no difference to Jim. "Be that as it may" he said, "it doesn't change the fact that you're cheating on my brother. We both know Chris won't stand for this."

Brooke was startled by the next voice she heard.

"Damn right, I won't!"

Brooke looked up to see Quinn and Chris standing right in front of her and Jim.

Chris said "Quinn just told me that you're screwing Ramon. Is that true?"

Thinking fast, Brooke said "What!? No! Quinn's jealous of me! That's why she makes up these things. Looking at Quinn, Brooke added "Honestly, a grown woman acting like a petty high school girl!"

"Chris, it's true," said Jim, "Brooke just told me as much."

Brooke suddenly became very nervous. "Um, How much did you hear?"

Quinn said "We overheard the part where Jim said Chris wouldn't stand for you cheating on him."

Sensing an out, Brooke said "That was hypothetical."

"This wasn't" said Jim as he pulled hand held tape recorder out of his jacket and pressed play.

"...Don't act so shocked, Jim. This is LA. The only way to move up is to sleep your way to the top. I sleep with people in the business all the time."

Jim pressed pause.

Devastated, Chris said "H...How could you do this to me? To us?"

"Chris, please," Brooke pleaded, "That's how you get somewhere in this town."

Chris was having none of it. "No it isn't. Plenty of people get ahead on talent alone. You can't do this and stay married to me."

Brooke got right in Chris's face. "Yes, I can. This is California, we don't have a pre-nuptual and as insurance one of my lovers is a divorce lawyer. You divorce me and I'll take eveything and leave you with nothing. You have no choice but to turn a blind eye if I do other guys."

Chris was not going to be swayed by a such a threat. Even if she took him for everything his masculine honor had been stained. Even if Brooke were remorseful forgiving her and trying to work things out would be rightly interpreted as a sign of weakness. "Get out of my house," he barked, "NOW!!"

Quinn and Jim exchanged smiles.

* * *

**Morgendorffer House, Christmas morning...**

There's a light snowfall outside while inside Jake, Helen, Daria, Jane and Sandi were opening presents. Sandi picked up one of hers. The label read "To Sandi from Jane". Sandi unwrapped the flat box and opened it. It was a painting of her and Jane when they were in elementary school. They are hugging and smiling. Sandi was visibly moved. She immediately turned toward Jane.

"You...You made this!?"

"Painted it," said Jane, "It's a copy of an old photo. I figured you might like something that reminds you of a happier time in both of our lives. Before the mean girls got there claws into you."

Sandi wiped a stray tear from her cheek. She immediately threw her arms around Jane. "Oh, Jane! Thank you so much!"

Jane hugged Sandi back. "Merry Christmas, Sandi."

 **A short time later...**  
 **Music:** "Picture" by Filter

_Do you wanna take my picture_   
_'Cause I won't remember_

Sandi was sitting on the couch with Daria and Jane. While the other two were watching TV Sandi stared at the picture and was deep in thought.

_This is the best present I've ever recieved. Even though we can never again be as close as we were in elementry school she once again considers me a friend. Even if it'll never be as it was we'll always have the memories. What about Quinn and Stacy? They didn't do anything wrong and I love them as if they were my sisters. With them I have what I never had with my blood relatives, a family._

Sandi took a deep breath and made a decision.

_They are my family. I'm ready to be friends with them again._

Sandi smiled, which Daria noticed.

"You should smile more often," said Daria, "It looks good on you. What's the occassion?"

Sounding content, Sandi said "I just got over something."

* * *

**I-10 eastbound, California...**

Quinn was driving while Jim was in the front passenger seat and Storm was in the back.

"I wonder if we should've stuck with the plan and stayed until New Years Day" she said.

Jim explained "Considering what happened, that'd be awkward. Chris understands that. Besides, he's heading into what promises to be a pretty nasty divorce. He needs all of his ducks in a row."

"Poor Chris," said Quinn, "Married eight years and it turns out she was a gold digging letch the whole time."

"He'll get over it," said Jim, "At least I hope he does. When we get home I'll give him a call, see how he's doing. He is my brother, after all."

Quinn said "What Brooke did to him. Well, I hope you know I'll never do something like that to you. If I ever felt like cheating I'd try fixing our relationship instead."

"I know" said Jim.

Quinn suddenly had a thought. "Should we tell Kevin about Brittany and Daryl?"

They both appear to think it over for a moment. Then, at the exact same time...

"NAH!!"

They continued to head east.

**End Chapter.**


	8. Wreckoncilliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sandi's mother, eight years after disowning her, suddenly wants to make peace. What's Linda's endgame?

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and a guy on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Wreckonciliation"**   
**story by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Quinn and Jim's house, day...**

In the home office Quinn was at her desk going through her mail. She frowned as she looked at it.

_Homemaker Magazine...mine. Hot Rod Monthly...Jim. Pre-Approved Credit...shred. Coupons at Payday...might wanna hold on to that. Phone bill._

Quinn read it. Her eyes went wide.

_Fantasy chat!?! Jim knows how I feel about that stuff!_

She looked at the address and felt an instant sense of relief.

_Never mind, it's for that creepy old guy across the street._

At this moment the phone rang. Quinn picks it up.

"Hello?"

As Quinn listened her eyes went wide.

"Sandi!?!"

It was the first time in two months that Quinn had heard from her former friend.

* * *

 **Pizza Prince, later that day...**  
 **Music:** "Hey Soul Sister" by Train

Quinn and Stacy were seated across from Sandi. Little Chucky was in a stroller next to Stacy.

Sandi explained "I asked you both out because I'm ready to make peace with you."

"Sandi, I'm sorry about that whole mess with Danielle" said Quinn.

Now over that incident, Sandi said "You don't have to apologize, Quinn. You didn't do anything wrong. Although, I would like an apology for the underwear accusation."

"Actually, that was my fault," Stacy admitted, "I just assumed you went back to your old bitchy self. I should've known better. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry for that, too" added Quinn.

Sandi had a relieved smile on her face. Patching things up was proving to be easier than expected. "Apologies accepted," she said, "Quinn, your mother told me about the underwear. Brittany and Kevin were having sex in Jim's car and left the underwear there."

Quinn and Stacy both snickered, which puzzled Sandi.

"What's so funny?"

Quinn said "When I told my mom that story I left out the best part. The guy Brittany was with wasn't Kevin."

Sandi gasped.

Stacy said "It was her personal trainer, a black stud named Daryl."

"Does Kevin know?" Sandi asked.

Quinn said "No, and he's pretty much the only one who doesn't know. Brittany isn't exactly being discreet."

Added Stacy "He only hasn't caught on because, you know, Kevin."

All three girls laughed.

* * *

**Deuce's Hardware, day...**

Daria walked up to the checkout line. She wasn't buying anything but had a question. The clerk was a middle aged man with glasses and a beer gut.

"Can I help you?"

Daria sighed. "Can I have a job application?"

The clerk said "Yes, but it probably won't do you any good. We're not hiring."

"Neither is anyone else," Daria dryly replied, "I've been seeking employment for two and a half years."

The clerk shrugged. "That's a recession for ya."

Meanwhile, another customer was discreetly checking Daria out. This customer was a young man in his early twenties with and athletic build, wavy reddish brown hair and glasses. As he looked at Daria he thought the following.

_Whoa! It is her! She's a lot hotter than I remember._

The young man walked right up behind Daria and spoke.

"Daria!? Daria Morgendorffer?"

Daria turned around and studied the guy behind her. She had just one thought.

 _He's cute! In fact, If we weren't in public I'd seriously consider jumping this guy's bones._ After a pause, she had another thought. _Why does he seem so familiar?_

Smiling, the guy said "It is you! I haven't seen you in years. How are you?"

Curious, Daria asked "Do I know you?"

"OK To Cry Corral, ten years ago," said the guy, "Imagine me a foot shorter with a prepubescent voice and angry scowl."

Daria pictured this man like that. She suddenly gasped in recognition. "Link!?"

Smiling, Link said "It's been a long time! How are you?"

Daria couldn't help hugging him, for reasons she didn't entirely understand. "As well as I can be under the circumstances. "

As the hug ended, Link asked "What are you doing here?"

 _Suddenly wanting to hop in the sack with you._ She suddenly gasped in shock. _I did NOT just think that!_ Out loud, Daria said "The same thing I've been doing ever since I finished grad school, begging for a job."

"Join the club, se...Daria" said Link, who silently chided himself for almost calling her sexy. _I can't be thinking of her like that. She mentored me through my darkest hour._ Out loud, he said "Graduated college just last spring, but the job market's so shitty that I had to move back in with Mom. It sucks."

"Considering how disfunctional things were at home the last time we talked," said Daria, "That's really no surprise."

Visibly happy to see Daria, Link said "You know, seeing you brings back some memories. Granted, Mr. O'Neil's touchy-feely camp sucked, but having someone like you around made it tolerable."

Daria hoped Link didn't notice her blushing.

Link continued "We should hang out and catch up sometime."

Daria was simultaneously intrigued and uncomfortable. _I want to, and a lot more_ she thought. Suddenly shaking her head, Daria thought _Dammit, he was a twelve year old boy and I was the mentor he desperately needed at that time. Even if he's now a grown man I really shouldn't be thinking of him like that._ Out loud, she said "Link, as much as I'd like to the fact that what we had was more of a brother/sister thing would make going on a date with you just plain awkward."

"It's not a date," said Link, "Just two old friends catching up."

 _Must...be...strong...even...though...I...want...him_ Daria thought before saying "I'd like to, but I don't think it's a good idea."

Undeterred, Link got out a pen and paper and wrote something down. He then handed it to Daria. She reluctantly took the piece of paper.

"What's this?"

"Phone number and e-mail," said Link, "In case you change your mind."

Daria said "Link, I already have that...I think."

"Well," said Link, "It has been almost a decade since the last time you used it so just in case."

Daria blushed.

* * *

 **WSBC-TV station, day**...

Stacy is at her desk in the newsroom working on her latest news story when the news manager, a grizzled old man in his sixties with a lit cigar in his mouth, approached. His name was James Jonahson.

"How's the latest story coming, Ruttheimer?"

Stacy said "It's coming along just fine, Mr. Jonahson."

Jonahson got right to the point. "Listen, I need you to head over to marketing. Ms. D'Mico wants to talk to you."

Stacy gulped with dread. She was not looking forward to this.

**Ms. D'Mico's office, a short time later...**

Stacy was seated in front of Linda D'Mico's desk and looked uncomfortable. The reason for Stacy's discomfort was that Linda D'Mico is formerly Linda Griffin. She went back to using her maiden name after the divorce.

"You wanted to see me, Mrs. Griffin...I mean Miss D'Mico."

"Yes," said Linda, "And please, Stacy, call me Linda."

Linda's uncharacteristically friendly demeanor had Stacy feeling visibly unsettled. "What's going on?"

"I wanted to ask you about Sandi" said Linda.

This surprised Stacy as ever since Sandi came out as bi Linda had forbade anyone to ever speak of her. "Why?" Stacy asked in a suspicious tone.

Linda sighed and looked sad. "I'll level with you, Stacy. Ever since my divorce I've been re-thinking my priorities. Chris is off at college. After Sam graduated he chose to move back in with his father instead of me and Chris has recently told me that he'll do the same. I've lost my whole family."

Stacy glared angrily at Linda. "With all due respect, Linda, I think you brought this on yourself. You disowned Sandi for being bisexual, you probably drove Mr. Griffin away and neither of your sons want anything to do with you."

Linda looked pleadingly at Stacy. "I know, and I was wrong. I know that you and my daughter are still in touch. I was hoping you could tell me where she lives now."

Stacy's eyes narrowed with barely contained fury. In a menacing tone, she said "And why would I do that? Especially after what you did to her."

"I was wrong to disown Sandi," said Linda, "I want to apologize to her in person and try to make peace."

Stacy defiantly folded her arms. "You've had seven and a half years to do that. Why now?"

Linda explained "Look, it took me a long time to understand that what I did was wrong. I miss my daughter and want her back. If she wants nothing to do with me I understand, but I need to at least try. It'll give us both some closure if nothing else."

Now Stacy looked uncertain as Linda did have a valid point.

Knowing that Stacy now had a child of her own, Linda played her trump card. "I'm begging you, from one mother to another. Please?"

That tugged on Stacy's heart strings.

* * *

 **Sandi's apartment, that evening...**  
 **Music:** "Misery Business" by Paramore

Sandi and Tom were sitting on the couch and making conversation.

"Would you like to stay the night?" Sandi asked her boyfriend in a sultry tone.

Smiling playfully, Tom asked "What did you have in mind?"

"You sleep on the couch" Sandi chuckled.

"You're kidding!" Tom hoped out loud.

After a brief chuckle, Sandi said "Yes, I'm kidding. You can sleep in my bed, though we probably won't do much sleeping."

Tom liked the sound of that. "Sounds like a plan."

They started to make out passionately when there was a knock on the door.

"Dammit!" said Tom as they stopped groping each other.

"Who the hell could that be?" Sandi said, her sexual frustration giving her voice a growl.

Sandi went to the front door and answered. She gasped in shock when she saw who it was.

"Sandi, I need to talk to you," said Linda, "Can I come in?"

Sandi now had a sinking feeling.

**End Act I.**

* * *

**Act II**   
**Sandi's apartment, evening...**

While Tom hung back Sandi stood at the door in shock as Linda was asking to be let in. Knowing from Sandi what Linda's like Tom stayed out of sight for fear that Linda might try to take advantage of the fact that Sandi's dating a Sloane. It was routine as both he and Sandi felt it was too soon in the relationship to publicly acknowledge that Tom Sloane's current girlfriend is a stripper.

"What are YOU doing here?" Sandi coldly asked her mother.

"Can I please come in?" Linda pleaded.

Sandi folded her arms and scowled. "No, you most certainly can not."

She was about to slam the door in Linda's face when...

"SANDI, PLEASE!?!"

The desperation in her mother's voice stopped Sandi from closing the door.

Linda said "What I did to you was wrong. I want to apologize."

Defiant, Sandi said "Before I tell you where to stick your apology could you explain how it is you found out where I live?"

Linda hung her head in submission. "Stacy gave me your address."

Sandi gasped in shock.

Linda explained "She didn't want to until I told her I wanted to apologize and make peace."

Sandi sturggled to keep her anger in check as she said "You've had almost eight years to do that. Do you have any idea what I've been through in that time?"

Linda shook her head.

Sandi said "I had to take a job as a stripper and lived in a homeless shelter until I'd saved enough to get my own place. I went back to college and got my AA. Despite this I have to keep stripping because of the tight job market. Now, you want to apologize. Why? You weren't there when I needed you the most."

Uncharacteristically humble, Linda said "I was wrong, and what I did to you was unforgiveable. It took a divorce and both of your brothers cutting me off to make me understand that. Please, I may have done you wrong but I'm still your mother. Isn't blood supposed to be thicker than water?"

"Until you found out I was bisexual," Sandi retorted, "Then blood ties didn't mean so much."

"Don't you want to have a family again?" Linda pleaded.

With barely contained fury in her voice, Sandi hissed "I have a family. Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer have given me much more love and acceptance than you every did. Quinn and Stacy are like sisters to me. Stacy's husband, Chuck, and Quinn's fiance, Jim, are more like brothers to me than my actual brothers ever were. You, who abandoned me for not fitting your definition of perfect, have the nerve to come here and beg forgivness after seven and a half years. News flash, mother, TOO FUCKING LATE!!!!"

Sandi then slammed the door in Linda's face.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Das Morgendorffer Haus...**

Daria was talking on the phone in her room.

"...he said it wasn't a date, but I strongly suspect otherwise."

On the other end of the line, Jane said "So, you ran into that Link kid and he asked you out, huh. What did you say?"

Daria said "I told him no, but he gave me his phone and e-mail in case I change my mind."

"Why not try it and see where it goes?" asked Jane.

"Jane," said Daria, "My relationship with Link was more like a little brother/big sister type of thing. Not to steal my sister's favorite line but...EWWWW!"

After a brief chuckle, Jane said "Daria, that was ten years ago. Back then you were a confused teenager and he was a little boy in need of guidance. Now, though, Link's a grown man and it's obvious that you're both interested. Why not follow through and see where this goes?"

Daria explained "Because I know him as an angry boy in need of guidance, basically a male version of myself."

"That's what makes this perfect," said Jane, "You both already know that you have a lot in common."

"It still feels like cradle robbing" said Daria.

Jane said "Daria, that's why you should date him for a bit. You get over seeing him as the boy he was and get to know him as the man that he's become. Look, I get why dating Link would feel awkward but the fact is you're both consenting adults now. I really don't think it's cradle robbing when the age difference is only five years."

Daria looked thoughtful.

"In any case, think about it," said Jane, "Besides, maybe living back in Lawndale would be easier to take if you're getting laid on a regular basis."

Daria replied "Way to make me feel better, Jane."

Disregarding the sarcasm, Jane said "No problem, amiga. Bye."

"Later."

With that, they both hung up. Daria took a few seconds to think it over. Finally, she picked up the phone and dialed another number.

"Hey, Link. It's Daria..."

* * *

 **Pizza Prince, the next day...**  
 **Music:** "All I Do Is Win" by DJ Khaled

Quinn, Stacy and Sandi were having pizza and discussing the previous night.

"Why did you give her my address, Stacy?" Sandi asked in a harsh tone.

"I'm sorry, Sandi," said Stacy, "She seemed really sincere in her desire to make up and I felt sorry for her."

"You should've asked me if it was okay first" Sandi growled.

"Sorry" Stacy replied in a frightened tone errily reminiscent of her high school days.

Quinn stepped in. "Guys, calm down. "

Sandi and Stacy both took deep breaths to center themselves.

Quinn said "Sandi, maybe you should give her a chance."

Sandi was completely taken aback by Quinn's suggestion. Her old haughtiness returned as she said "Excuse me! Give her a chance after what she did to me!?! Are you out of your mind, Kuh-winn?"

Quinn explained "It's been almost eight years, maybe she's changed in that time. After all, we all have. In high school I was a stuck up diva, Stacy was an insecure follower and you were a class-A bitch. We're not like that anymore. Look, what she did to you was pretty low. What if she realizes that now? Would it be so bad to give her a chance?"

Stacy agreed. "Yeah, maybe you two can have a better relationship moving forward."

Sandi looked uncertain.

Suddenly, Quinn got an idea. "Why don't you two get together for lunch? You can hear each other out. Maybe come to an understanding. It's worth a shot."

Sandi continued to look uncertain as she said nothing.

"I can set it up," said Stacy, "What have you got to lose?"

Sandi sighed as she silently admitted that both of her friends had a point.

* * *

**Governor's Park Restaurant, a few days later...**

Sandi and Linda were having lunch. Linda looked hopeful while Sandi clearly wished she was somewhere else.

"Thanks for agreeing to this, Sandi."

Folding her arms, Sandi hissed "Out with it, mother."

Linda sighed. "Sandi, when I found out you were bisexual I was ashamed. I acted like I was ashamed of you but the truth is I was ashamed of myself. I felt you having an alternative sexuality was a failure on my part to be a good parent, but that was my problem and I selfishly made it yours. I'm sorry."

Sandi explained "Mother, sexual orientation isn't a choice. No matter how I was raised I would've turned out bi. Although, how I was raised made it harder for me to deal with not being one-hundred percent hetero. I spent my teens in complete denial of who I was because of it. Your failure wasn't my bisexuality, it was my attempt to suppress it. I refused to even acknowledge my true orientation until college."

Linda said "So it took you almost as long to accept it as it took me?"

Unsure of what to say, Sandi nodded.

Linda proceeded to explain her situation at length. "I have to be honest. After I turned on you things got worse between your father and I. He actually hated me for what I did to you. That's why we're now divorced. Your brothers weren't too thrilled about you being bi and blamed me. After graduating college, Sam moved in with your father and Chris has told me he intends to do the same. I finally realized that my bitchiness cost me my whole family. I miss you and I've come to realize that whatever your sexual orientation you're still my daughter. Sandi, I love you. If I could take back what all happened I would."

A stray tear rolled down Sandi's cheek. This was the first time she'd ever seen Linda show such compassion. She reached out and held Linda's hand.

"Mother, I forgive you."

Now, it's Linda who wipes away a stray tear. The two get up from their seats and hug.

* * *

**Playhouse 99 Movie Theater, evening...**

Daria and Link emerged from the theater.

"Well, that was lame," said Daria, "I had fun mocking it with my brutal honesty, though."

"That's why I suggested it," Link replied, "I couldn't find anything decent playing so I figured we might as well go with something that provides us with subtle mockery."

Daria smiled. Even after all these years she and Link still have a lot in common.

"Wanna grab some pizza?" asked Link.

"Sounds like a plan" said Daria.

 **Pizza Prince, a short time later...**  
 **Music:** "Naturally" by Selena Gomez

_Everything comes naturally_   
_It comes naturally_   
_When you're with me baby_

Daria and Link were having pizza and light hearted conversation. Link was telling her about a recent trip to the store.

"...this guy kept holding up the line so I finally told him "Look, why don't you just pay these people in money? Not in empty promises.""

"Deadbeat Customers, Next on Sick, Sad World" Daria said without missing a beat.

They both laugh.

"You're not the same guy you were at that God-awful camp ten years ago" Daria said, more to herself than to Link.

Link replied "Well, since back then I was a twelve year old boy who was pissed off at the whole world I consider that a good thing. Now, I'm a 23 year old man who's pissed off at the whole world."

They both laughed at that one.

Daria said "So, what have you been up to since our time at the camp we all want to forget?"

Link said "Well, I went through middle and high school a total misanthrope. Things got better at college, since us misanthropes are the ones who went while the popular kids got blown up in Iraq."

Daria said "Substitute Vietnam for Iraq and you would've sounded like my father just now."

"Anyway," Link continued, "I graduate college in the middle of our generation's version of the Great Depression, rendering my degree totally useless. So now I'm back living with Mom, who just threw out husband number three."

"Same here," said Daria, "With a PhD in literature, no less. Turns out that line about post-grad degrees being recession-proof was a total myth."

Link said "Just like the myth about housing values only going up, which is what got us in this mess in the first place."

They exchanged smiles as they realize just how much they actually do have in common.

**End Act II.**

* * *

**Act III**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, evening...**

Quinn and Jim were on the living room couch watching TV. They were watching the Mexican action-drama "Monsignor Martinez". On the TV screen, The Monsignor/cop was cornered in the church by three knife wielding thugs. They were about to move in for the kill when Monsignor Martinez whipped out an Uzi.

"Vaya con Dios!"

He mowed all three of them down in a hail of automatic gunfire. After that, the TV cut to a commercial. At this point, Jim turned to Quinn and spoke.

"So, Sandi and her mother made peace?"

Sounding doubtful, Quinn said "I guess".

Jim noticed the doubt in his fiance's voice. "Something wrong?"

"I'm worried, Jim," said Quinn, "Linda's never been this humble. What if she's playing all of us for fools?"

"You think she'd do something like that?" asked Jim.

Quinn nodded.

Jim said "I think you're over thinking this. I mean, what could Linda possibly have to gain?"

Quinn thought it over for a second. "Only a relationship with her estranged daughter. That's why I'm a little freaked. There's no reason for any deception but something about all of this feels off."

Jim gave Quinn a curious look.

"Linda and Sandi want to have dinner with us" Quinn added.

All of this seemed completely reasonable to Jim. "Seems to me Linda wants to know Sandi's friends better," he said, "I don't see any harm."

"I know," said Quinn, "I just have this funny feeling. Why, after all these years, is Linda so eager to be a part of Sandi's life again?"

Jim said "Based on what you've told me, it sounds like she knows she was wrong and wants to make amends. Nothing about that strikes me as off."

Quinn thought it over for a minute and found no fault in her man's logic. "I'll invite them over for dinner. Maybe Linda really does want to become reacquainted."

* * *

 **The Morgendorffer House, a few nights later...**  
 **Music:** "Crush" by Paramore

Link's car pulled up in front of the house. Link then stepped out of the drivers side while Daria emerged from the passenger side. They proceeded to walk to the door.

"Three good dates in a row," said Daria, "I like this."

Link said "If you consider a "Call of Duty" binge a date."

Daria shrugged. "Works for me."

"Me too."

(Author's note: Yep, they're Millennials alright.)

They reach the door.

"Um, Daria?" said Link.

"Yes?"

Link said "We've had three dates now. I..well..I really like you."

"I like you too, Link" Daria replied.

Link said "Well, the thing is I think you're really cool. You live life on your own terms, you tell it like it is and you always have an honest opinion. In fact, I...well...I kind of always had a bit of a crush on you and...well...We get each other and well..."

Words escape him as he and Daria lean in closer. As their faces move closer together one could almost hear the build up to the songs chorus.

_Crush_   
_Crush_   
_Crush_   
_Crush, crush, crush, crush_

As the chorus kicks in they kiss passionately.

_Nothing compares tooo_   
_The quiet ending alone_

They have just gone from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend.

_Let's be more than_   
_This now_

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, evening...**

In the dinning room Quinn, Jim, Sandi and Linda were at the table having dinner and making conversation.

"So, you're the infamous Linda Griffin" Jim stated in a friendly tone.

Linda said "It's Linda D'Mico now. I switched back to my maiden name after the divorce. It was actually a blessing in disguise. I finally realized what's really important. In fact, Quinn, I'm familiar with your YouTube channel."

Quinn's face lit up. "You are!?!"

Linda smiled. "Yes, and so is the station head. He wants me to give something to you."

Linda reached into her jacket and pulled out some papers. That's when she showed her true colors. "My boss wants me to sign you to the station. We at WSBC feel "S'more 'n' Pores" would make a fine addition to our afternoon lineup. A makeup and cooking show is just the thing to take our ratings over the top. You'll be paid one-hundred thousand dollars for the first year with us. If the show does well then your pay will go up substantially after that."

Sandi eyed her mother curiously. "Mother, what's going on?"

Smirking, Linda said "Business, Sandi. I knew you were still in touch with Quinn. Making peace with you was the perfect way to get an introduction."

Sandi gasped in shock as she realized the reconcilliation was just a set up. "You...You said you wanted your daughter back!"

Rolling her eyes, Linda said "Because your relationship with Quinn makes you an ideal tool to advance my career."

The reality hit Sandi like a ton of bricks. "You...You used me!?!"

"Price of doing business," said Linda, "If it weren't for Quinn's success I never would've tried to contact you. Not having a family has freed me up to pursue my ambitions full time."

Tears started to well up in Sandi's eyes as she realized that her mother hasn't changed at all. She's still the self-centered egomaniac that she'd always been. "It was all a lie, wasn't it? You used Stacy to get to me so you could use me to get to Quinn. HOW COULD YOU!?!"

Linda said "Considering the money to be made, how could I not?"

Sandi ran out in tears. Quinn started to get up but Linda stopped her. "Let her go. We have business to discuss."

Quinn angrily got in Linda's face. "HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR OWN DAUGHTER!?!"

Dismissive, Linda said "Never mind that. I'm offering you a fabulous opportunity."

"I have an answer for you," Quinn angrily hissed, "Take that contract, stick it up your ass, and get the hell out of my house, you bitch!"

Linda was completely taken aback. She turned to Jim, who eyes her coldly. "You heard my fiance," Jim growled, "Either walk out of here or I'll drag you out."

* * *

**The street, a short time later...**

Sandi ran down the street until she was out of breath. Finally, she sat down on the sidewalk. She buried her face in her arms and started to cry.

"Why?... _sob_...She used me... _sniff_...My own mother used me to get to Quinn... _sob_..."

At this point, a familiar voice interrupted her self-pity.

"Sandi?" said a genuinely concerned Quinn.

Sandi looked up and saw both Quinn and Jim standing there. They sat down on each side of her.

"Wh...Where's..." Sandi couldn't finish the question as she began to cry uncontrollably.

Knowing what Sandi was trying to ask, Quinn said "We threw her out".

"That was pretty low," added Jim, "Manipulating you and Stacy just to get to Quinn."

Continuing to cry, Sandi said "I... _sniff_...I'm alone... _sob_.."

Quinn put a hand on Sandi's shoulder. "You're not alone, Sandi."

Jim also placed a hand on Sandi's shoulder. "You have Tom, Quinn, Stacy, me and a lot of other people. We'll always be here for you."

"Yeah, Sandi," added Quinn, "You still have your friends."

Sandi wraped one arm around Quinn and another around Jim. "You both mean that?"

"Of course" said Quinn.

Sandi pulled them both into a group hug.

Jim said "Sandi, Quinn once said that since your family wants nothing to do with you we'd be your family. The way I see it, that means we're more than just your friends. We're your family."

The three of them stay huddled in a group hug.

"Can I stay in one of your spare rooms tonight?" Sandi asked, "I don't wanna be alone."

"It's alright with me" said Jim.

"Come on, Sandi," Quinn added, "Let's go home."

Sandi was visibly moved by Quinn and Jim's actions. In this moment, the brunette ex-queen bee had a small epiphany.

I've lost one family, but found a better one.

* * *

**Pizza Prince, the next day...**

Quinn and Daria were catching up. Quinn was telling her sister about the incident with Sandi and Linda.

"...so once we got back to the house we all had a pleasant evening. We just stayed up late talking about whatever. So, how have you been?"

Daria said "I've got a new boyfriend, Link Chamowsky".

Quinn's eyes went wide. "The same Link you mentored at that lame summer camp run by Mr. O'Neil!?"

Daria said "It seems awkward until you consider that we're both adults now. Nothing wrong with us dating, but we're taking it slow in the hopes that it'll be less awkward." Now wanting to change the subject, Daria said "So, you and Jim had to babysit Sandi last night."

Opting not to press the Daria/Link issue, Quinn said "Yeah." After a brief pause, she added "I think it helps that Sandi's cut Linda off for good now. She's finally free to have her own life. She cheered up as it sunk in that despite this latest incident her life in general is still turning upward."

It was at this point that something occurred to Daria. "We're turning into responsible adults, aren't we?"

With a smile and nod, Quinn said "So it seems, sis. So it seems."

They clinked their soda cups together.

**End Episode.**

**Next Time**  
We take a trip back in time to 1982-83. Jake loses his job as Helen is expecting their second child.


	9. Creating Cute

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and Link on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Creating Cute"**   
**story by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**Governors Park Restaurant, Jan. 30, 2010, Evening...**

Quinn was seated at the head of a huge table. Also seated there were Jim, Stacy (with Chucky next to her in a high chair), Chuck, Link, Tom, Sandi, Nicole, Jamie, Jane, Daria, Jake, Helen, Trent, Kevin, Brittany and Daryl (who's only invited because Brittany insisted). Brittany and Daryl exchanged suggestive looks but Kevin, as usual, didin't notice. Jim handed Quinn a box. She opens it. It's a gold charm bracelet.

"Happy birthday, Quinn."

"Jim, it's beautiful."

She kissed him on the cheek.

Excited, Jake said "I can't believe it's already been...um, How old are you?"

Quinn rolled her eyes. "I'm 27, Dad."

Jake was genuinely surprised. He still doesn't know how old his daughters are.

At this point, Brittany turned to Kevin. "I have to use the ladies room, I'll be back in a minute."

Knowing that the plan was to sneak off for a bathroom quickie, Daryl said "I'll accompany you to...um...keep an eye on things."

Brittany and Daryl both get up and were obviously going to the restroom to get it on. Kevin suddenly looked thoughtful and suspicious. Finally...

"How did he know I was about to ask him to keep an eye on her?"

He shrugged.

"I guess this just proves how loyal a friend Daryl is."

Everyone rolled their eyes. Despite Brittany's total lack of discretion Kevin still hasn't figured out that his wife is cheating on him.

Wanting to avoid an awkward situation, Helen immediately changed the subject. "I remember my second pregnancy as if it were only yesterday."

Remembering, Jake said "Boy, was that ever a stressful time. I was out of a job again." His expression darkened. "Damn double-dip recession!"

Jim said "I'm surprised you decided to have a second child under those circumstances."

Jake and Helen both looked sheepish.

"Um...actually..." Jake stammered.

Helen said "Quinn wasn't exactly planned."

Having regained his footing, Jake said "It's one hell of a good story."

Quinn immediately braced herself for embarrassment.

* * *

 **Highland TX, 1982...**  
 **Music:** "I Ran" by A Flock Of Seagulls

Jake and Helen were seated at the kitchen table having dinner in their small apartment. With them was a six-month old Daria in a high chair. Helen has a Farrah Fawcitt hairstyle while Jake has a feathered mullet and Magnum-PI mustache because, well, you know, 1982. Jake was reading a newspaper and looked upset.

"Dammit! We're in a severe recession and they still won't lower interest rates. Damn Reaganomics!"

Helen rolled her eyes. "Jake, this apartment is big enough for the three of us. It's not like we need to buy a house any time soon."

Jake was relieved. Changing the subject, he asked "So, honey, how was your day?"

Helen said "Well, Daria teethed one of my legal briefs. I really wish the firm would spring for a day care center. How was your day?"

Downcast, Jake said "Lousy. We haven't had a new client since last July. Mr. Henderson says if we don't get some new clients soon he'll have to resort to layoffs. I'm afraid I might lose my job."

Helen tried to be optimistic. "Jake, you worry too much."

Continuing to worry, Jake asked "But how will I provide for you and Daria without a job?"

This elicited another eye-roll from Helen. "Jake, you're getting ahead of yourself. Besides, my paycheck can be stretched to cover all three of us."

Jake breathed a huge sigh of relief. Meanwhile, Daria stared at her parents with more intensity than is normal for a six-month old, which Jake noticed.

"Helen, have you ever noticed how Daria just stares? It's almost like she's making mental notes of everything going on around her."

"Jake, that's ridiculous," said Helen in a dismissive tone, "She's only six months old."

Neither of them noticed baby Daria sport that famous half-smile.

* * *

 **Later that evening...**  
 **Music:** "Cool Night" by Paul Davis

Jake was sitting up in bed in his pajamas when Helen emerged from the bathroom in a skimpy black nightgown that leaves very little to the imagination. She climbed into bed with Jake.

"What's the occassion?" Jake asked in a sly tone of voice.

Helen spoke in a sexually provocative tone when she answered. "You seemed so tense today I figured I'd give you a back rub in my sexiest piece of sleepwear."

Jake liked where this was going. He immediately took off his pajama top. Helen proceeded to sensually rub his shoulders.

"Jake, you shouldn't worry so much" said Helen. "Think of all the good things you have. A hot wife who loves you, a beautiful baby girl. "

Feeling better, Jake said "You're right, Helen. In fact, now that you mention it, I'm doing pretty damn good." His expression darkened. He suddenly looked at the floor and angrily shook his fist. "YOU HEAR THAT, MAD DOG!? LITTLE JAKEY'S DOING PRETTY DAMN ALRIGHT, YOU HEARTLESS, RIGID SONOFA..."

"Jake, calm down!" Helen hissed, "You'll wake the baby."

This snapped Jake out of his impending rant. "Sorry."

Helen got an idea. She smiled suggestively as she climbed onto Jake's lap. In an erotic tone, she said "Tell you what, big boy. Let's skip the rub and go straight to the happy ending." She wispered in his ear. "Take me."

They started to passionately make out.

Helen: (VO from 2010) _In the heat of the moment we forgot I was still off the pill and didn't think to use a condom._

Jake pulled Helen's nightgown off and tosses it to the floor. One could almost hear the buildup to "Cool Night"'s chorus.

_Come on over_   
_Come on over tonight_

Helen shoveed him down on his back and they proceeded to make passionate love.

_It's gonna be a cool night_   
_Just let me hold you by the fire light_   
_If it don't feel right you can go_

* * *

**An office building in Highland, two weeks later...**

Jake was seated in his cubicle looking bored.

_It was a few weeks later that I finally got the news I'd been dreading._

A blonde woman approached Jake's cubicle.

"Mr. Morgendorffer, Mr. Henderson needs to see you in his office right away."

Jake had a look of pure dread on his face.

**Mr. Henderson's office, a few minutes later...**

Mr. Henderson was seated behind his desk. He's wearing a dark blue business suit and has slick black hair. Jake was seated in front of Mr. Henderson's desk.

"You wanted to see me, Mr. Henderson."

Henderson nodded. "As you know business has been down since the recession. Unfortunately, it's now reached a point where we have to downsize. Since you've only been with us a year you lack seniority."

Jake was so nervous that he started to sweat. "What are you saying, sir?"

Henderson patiently explained "I'm sorry, Morgendorffer, but I'm afraid we have to let you go. If it was up to me you'd stay on but the plain fact is that we have to cut staff and you haven't been here long enough to have any significant accomplishments."

Jake felt like he was just punched in the gut. "But I have a wife and daughter to support."

"Does she work?" asked Henderson.

Jake nodded. "She's an attorney at Baylor, Clemmins and Clayton."

Henderson said "Then she makes enough to cover you and the kid until you get back on your feet. Consider yourself lucky. Most men are the sole supporter of their families."

"But I'm a man," Jake stammered, "Providing is my responsibility."

Henderson looked sympathetic. "I understand. Believe me when I say that if there was another way I'd do it. I don't want to let you go but I have no choice."

Jake hung his head and sighed.

* * *

 **Jake and Helen's apartment building, later that day...**  
 **Music:** "You Should Hear How She Talks About You" by Melissa Manchester  
 _You should hear how she talks about you_  
 _You should hear what she says_  
 _She says she would be lost without you_  
 _She'd go outta her head_

Helen was walking toward her and Jake's apartment with Daria in a stroller and a very serious expression on her face.

Helen: (VO from 2010) _The same day Jake lost his job I found out I was pregnant again._

1982 Helen thought _I can't believe we didn't use protection that night, but I honestly didn't think I could get pregnant again so soon after giving birth. The gynocologist confirmed it, though. I'm pregnant again._

Helen reached the door to her and Jake's apartment. She took the keys and unlocked the door. _If Jake loses his job we'll be in real trouble. My paycheck can't be stretched to cover another baby while I'm still paying off my student loans._

The door opened and Helen entered. She was surprised to find Jake already home, sitting on the couch drinking a martini with an extremely worried expression on his face.

"Jake, what are you doing home already?"

Jake's only response was to take another sip of his martini. Worried, Helen sat down next to him.

"Jake, what's wrong?"

Jake sighed. "I was laid off today."

Helen gasped with dread as Jake becomes angry.

"DAMN REAGANOMICS!!!"

"Jake, calm down."

Jake took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Helen. I know you make enough to cover the bills until I can find another job but still."

Helen said "Jake, a lot of people are losing their jobs right now. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"But I'm the man of the house," Jake whined "Responsibility to provide for the family shouldn't fall on your shoulders."

Helen rolled her eyes. "Jake, it's the eighties. A lot of women provide for their families now. This whole "men must be the sole breadwinners" business is just your father talking."

Jake's anger rose again. "Hey, you're right!" He looked at the floor and violently shook his fist. "GODDAMN YOU, MAD DOG!!!!!"

"JAKE, CALM DOWN THIS INSTANT!" Helen barked.

This snapped him out of his impending rant. "Sorry." A second later Jake's angry scowl became a cautiously optimistic smile. "You're right. Your salary can cover the bills until I get another job. After all, we only have one kid. But enough about me. How was your day?"

Now it was Helen's turn to sweat bullets. "I'm pregnant."

Jake's eyes went wide with panic.

"GAHHHH!!!!!!!"

**End Act I.**

* * *

**Act II**   
**Jake and Helen's apartment in Highland, 1982...**

Jake has just told Helen he lost his job and Helen's just told him that she's pregnant again.

"GAH! PREGNANT! YOU CAN'T BE PREGNANT!!!! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?!"

Rolling her eyes, Helen said "Jake, we had unprotected sex. I didn't think I could get pregnant again so soon after giving birth. After all, it took almost two years of trying to have Daria."

"Helen, I'm out of a job" Jake said with panic in his voice.

"I know, Jake" Helen sighed.

"What are we gonna do?"

Matter-of-factly, Helen said "My paycheck can cover you, me and Daria but I'm still paying off the loans I used to go to law school. We can't afford another child right now."

"Dammit, Helen," Jake whined, "Why didn't you go back on the pill after Daria?"

Helen instantly became angry. "Hey, you're the one who never bothers to buy condoms!" she barked.

Jake whined "Dammit, Helen, I can't think of everything! I'd need a super brain to do that and I just don't have it. I JUST DON'T HAVE IT!!! "

"JAKE, CALM DOWN THIS INSTANT!"

Jake took a deep breath to calm himself. "We still can't afford another kid. What are we gonna do?"

Helen sighed. "We have no choice. I have to get an abortion."

Jake breathed a huge sigh of relief. "I forgot about that. Of course, we have a perfect solution!" He suddenly wondered if that was the right call. "Are you sure you want an abortion?"

"No" said Helen, "but we can't afford another child right now. We have no choice but to have an abortion."

* * *

**Governors Park, Lawndale, 2010, evening...**

It's Quinn's 27th birthday. All of her friends were listening to Jake and Helen tell the story. Quinn looked horrified.

"YOU WERE GONNA ABORT ME!?!"

"That would've been alright with me" Daria quipped.

Hurt, Quinn said "Daria!"

"Sorry, bad joke."

Quinn decided not to press the issue with Daria but keep her ire on her parents. "I can't believe you were gonna abort me."

Helen tried to explain. "Sweetie, you have to understand our situation at the time. I was still paying off student loans and your father had just lost his job."

Added Jake "We didn't want to, but we felt we had no choice."

Jim put a hand on Quinn's shoulder. "Quinn, I thought you were pro-choice."

"It's a little different when you're the fetus in question" Quinn huffed.

Jim said "Well, they obviously didn't go through with it."

Stacy asked "What changed your minds?"

* * *

**A Planned Parenthood clinic in Highland, 1982, day...**

The clinic was surrounded by protesters with signs that say things like "Choose Life", "Abortion is Murder", and "Fornicator's Will Burn In Hell". Jake and Helen had to walk through this to get to the clinic. One protester, a man, got in their faces.

"You're gonna burn in Hell, you baby killers!"

A woman pointed at Helen. "You should've kept your legs shut, you slut!"

A man with a bible blocked their path. "What you're doing is an affront to the Lord."

 **The waiting room, a short time later...**  
 **Music:** "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League  
 _Don't you want me, baby_  
 _Don't you want me, ooo-oho-oh_

Jake and Helen were sitting down and both looked distraught.

"I can't believe those idiots" said Jake.

Fuming, Helen said "Can't they understand that this isn't about life and death? It's about female autonomy. I guess they prefer us barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen."

Jake shook his fist. "Damn Moral Majority!"

Helen suddenly looked thoughtful. "Still, I can't help thinking that some of them had a point." Jake's face turned pale, which Helen noticed. "I mean that woman who said I was irresponsible," she said, "I have to admit it was pretty thoughtless of us to have unprotected sex when we weren't ready for another child."

"But Helen, we can't afford another kid right now" Jake whined.

"I know" said Helen, "and I believe in the right to choose. The problem is that now that I have to make that choice I feel conflicted."

A man who's obviously a priest approached. "Excuse me, but I couldn't help overhearing. Are you having second thoughts about an abortion?"

Helen said "Yes, I believe in the right to choose but it's turning out to be a harder choice than I imagined."

"I understand," said the priest, "I assume you're aware of the church's stance on both abortion and birth control."

"That they're both mortal sins" Jake bitterly replied, anticipating another lecture on how he and Helen are going to Hell.

The priest nodded. "I may be a man of the cloth but I also live in the modern world. I know things are never so simple."

Helen looked curious. "What are you saying, father?"

The priest said "I'm saying that you need to do what feels right to you. Whether or not it actually is right is God's decision alone, not yours, not mine and certainly not the protesters outside. Maybe abortion is the best course of action in your case, maybe not. You need to do what works for you."

With that the priest got up and left.

Suddenly, the receptionist said "Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer, the doctor will see you now."

Helen took a deep breath. "Jake, I've changed my mind. Let's go home."

* * *

**Jake and Helen's apartment, that evening...**

Jake and Helen were at the kitchen table going over their financials. Daria was already asleep in her crib.

Helen said "I've figured out how to stretch things enough to cover a second child. Thankfully, those tax cuts the President passed last year made it easier since I have more take home pay than I used to."

Jake said "Maybe Reaganomics isn't so bad after all."*

*( A/N: Yet another step in their transition from hippies to yuppies.)

"We still have to make sacrifices," said Helen, "With you unemployed you're going to have to shoulder more responsibilities with Daria while I work overtime. If I put in seventy hour weeks until the baby's born, combined with the automatic 15 percent increase in take home pay I've gotten from the tax cuts plus another 10 percent increase next year it should be enough to cover our bills, my student loans and a second child."

"Thank God!" said a very relieved Jake.

Helen said "Jake, this means you'll have to be the homemaker for the time being. Also, you should still look for another job. This recession can't last forever and I'll need to cut back my hours once the baby's born."

"Don't worry, you can count on old Jakey." He suddenly looked thoughtful. "Are you sure you're up to this, Helen?"

"Why do you ask?"

Nervous, Jake said "It's just...well...you see...um..."

Helen gave her husband a piercing glance that made him feel like a deer caught in the headlights.

After taking a breath to steel his nerves, Jake said "Well, you know how conservative people are in this part of the country. What if they see you working so hard and think "That poor woman, to be married to such a loser that she has to work while pregnant" then they look at me and think "What a loser, he can't even peovide for his family. He'll never be a real man"."

His expression darkened. Helen sighed as she knew what was coming.

"My father told me I'd never have what it takes to be a real man. Oh, Did he ever love to lay into me for that. "You're a sissy, Jake." "I don't know if I have a son or a daughter, Jake." "YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO A GODDAMN THING, JAKE." YOU WERE RIGHT, MAD DOG. YOU WIN!!!" He looked at the floor and shook his fist. "GODDAMN YOU, OLD MAN!!! YOU WIN, ALRIGHT!!! YOU WIN, YOU LOUSY, RIGID, HEARTLESS GODDAMN, MOTHER..."

"JAKE!"

This snapped him out of his rant.

"Sorry!"

Helen rolled her eyes.

* * *

 **Musical montage**  
 **Music:** "She Works Hard For The Money" by Donna Summer

First, we see Helen going over legal briefs late at night at the firm. Close up of the clock reveals the time to be 1:00 am. Next, we see Jake changing Daria's diaper. Close up of his face shows that he looks worried. Next, Jake looks shocked. Pan out to reveal that Daria has peed on him. Cut to a close up of baby Daria. She has a smug half-smile. Next, we see a visibly pregnant Helen arguing a case in court. Next, we see Jake alone at the table. Cut to the kitchen clock. It's midnight and Helen still isn't home. Next, we see that Helen's not home because she's still at the office preparing a deposition. Next is a shot of Jake in the park while Daria's in a stroller. Cut to some mothers with babies in strollers. they point at Jake and snicker. Cut to another shot of a Helen, now seven months along, arguing a case in court. Next, we see the other lawyers at the firm praising Helen for her dedication. Next, a shot of Jake at the apartment eating a TV dinner alone. Cut to Helen attending an office Christmas party. Finally, Jake watching the ball drop at Times Square on TV. He's alone because Helen's still at the office.

**End Act II.**

* * *

**Act III**  
 **Jake and Helen's apartment in Highland, January, 1983, evening...**  
 **Music:** "Sweet Dreams" by Eurythmics  
 _Sweet dreams are made of these_  
 _Who am I to disagree_  
 _I traveled the world and the seven seas_  
 _Everybody's looking for something_

Jake was sitting alone watching TV.

Jake: (VO from 2010) _By the new year the economy had turned around and businesses were hiring again. It was still tough going, though._

The door opened and Helen walked in. She plopped down on the sofa next to Jake. She is now over eight month pregnant.

_Some of them want to use you_   
_Some of them want to get used by you_

"Another fourteen hour day?" Jake asked.

Helen nodded. "Two courtroom appearences and five depositions. How was your day?"

_Some of them want to abuse you_   
_Some of them want to be abused_

Jake said "I got a call from one of the places I sent a resume to. They want to interview me for a new position."

Helen's face lit up. "Jake, that's wonderful!"

"I hope I get this job," said Jake, "Then you won't have to work so hard."

"But I don't mind," said Helen, "Truth be told, I actually enjoy it."

Jake's jaw dropped. "You enjoy working eighty hours a week while pregnant!?"

"Yes," said Helen, "In fact, it seems to have awoken a latent sense of ambition in me. I can be a full time mother and a full time career woman. I can be the first woman to make partner at a major law firm and be the perfect wife and mother at the same time. I really can have it all. Especially once you're working again."

Knowing how unrealisitc a goal that is, Jake said "But Helen, the doctor said you need to cut back on work for the sake of the baby."

Helen immediately grew defensive. "What does that old codger know? I can be it all, I WILL be it all. I'll only take minimum maternity leave for the baby, then return to full time work and make partner before I'm thirty-five."

"Helen, isn't that a tad unrealistic?"

Helen said "No, it's my chance to prove that women can cut it as more than wives and mothers. I can have it all."

Jake let out a defeated sigh.

* * *

**An office building in Highland, January 30, 1983...**

Jake was seated in front of a desk being interviewed for a job. The interviewer, Mr. Mortoni, bears a disturbing resemblence to Benito Mussolini.

_It was at the interview the next day was when I first met HIM. The lousy mini-Mussolini who'd make the next fourteen years of my life an insufferable hell._

"So, Morgendorffer, what can you bring to this company?" asked Mortoni.

Jake said "A willingness to do whatever it takes to help the company succeed."

Mortoni had an evil grin as he said "That's what I like to hear! As an employee you will be expected to put the job before everything. This is more important than your family. You put the company before your family, your country and even God. You will be expected to be at my beck and call 24/7. Can you do that?"

Jake looked thoughtful. _If I take this job I'll turn into what I've always hated, another cog in the machine. But I need this job. Helen works way too hard and if I work like that she won't have too. I'll always be at this guys beck and call, but it's for the best._

Mortoni began to lose his patience. "WELL!?! I ASKED YOU A QUESTION! ARE YOU WILLING TO PUT THE JOB BEFORE EVERYTHING?"

Jake looked resigned. _I have no choice_. Out loud, he said "Yes. Yes, I am."

Mortoni smiled maliciously as he extended his hand to Jake. "Welcome aboard, Morgendorffer."

They shook hands.

"When do I start?" asked Jake.

"Right now," Mortoni growled, "GET TO WORK!!!!"

"EEP!"

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the Law Offices of Baylor, Clemmins and Clayton...**  
 **Music:** "Working For The Weekend" by Loverboy

Helen was meeting with her boss, Mr. Baylor. He's a fat man with a mustache who dresses more like a cowboy than a lawyer.

"Well, lil' lady" said Baylor in his Texas twang, "I gotta say I'm mighty impressed with yer output over these last few months."

"Why, thank you, Mr. Baylor" Helen replied.

Baylor said "In fact, if ya were a man you'd be a shoo-in for partner right now."

Helen said "I understand that me as a partner isn't practical right now, but what about the future. Say, when both children are in school."

Baylor, who like most Texans of his generation believed women-folk belonged in the home, struggled not to laugh. "Whoa, there, lil' missy. You know I got no problem with that. The problem is that you know how them other boys are about promotin' women-folk."

Helen looked downcast. "I see." _Chauvanist bastard._

"B'sides, yer a momma," said Baylor, "Ain't them kids yer first responsibility."

"I suppose" said Helen as she thought _Dammit, I know there's no way they'll make a woman partner. Unless I keep giving it my all after the baby's born. Well, if that's what I have to do._

Just then, Helen appeared to be in pain. She bent over and groaned.

"You alright?" asked a concerned Baylor.

"I...oooo...I'm...ugh...going into labor."

* * *

 **Highland General Hospital, that evening...**  
 **Music:** "Family Man" by Hall and Oates  
 _Leave me alone_  
 _I'm a family man_  
 _And my bark is much worse than my bite_  
 _Leave me alone_  
 _I'm a family man_  
 _If you push me too far I just might_

Jake's car came to a screeching halt in front of the hospital. He immediately ran inside.

The maternity ward, a short time later...

Jake ran through the hall way. He stoped at an observation window and tapped the glass to get a nurses attention.

"Morgendorffer. MORGENDORFFER!!!"

**Helen's room, a short time after that...**

Helen was holding a newborn Quinn in her arms. Jake rushed through the door, slipped and fell on his ass.

"GAH!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!"

Helen smiled at the new baby.

"That's your father."

Jake came over. Helen gives him a disappointed look. "I gave birth six hours ago. Where the hell were you?"

Jake said "I got the job, but he insisted I start immediately. He wouldn't let me off until twenty minutes ago. What did I miss?"

Helen said "I went into labor at the office so Mr. Baylor drove me over. I spent four hours in labor before giving birth to a baby girl. Since you weren't here I went ahead and named her myself."

"What's her name?" asked Jake.

"Quinn," said Helen, "Quinn Louise Morgendorffer."

Jake looked at baby Quinn. "Goo-goo."

Quinn crys uncontrollably. This makes Jake uncomfortable.

* * *

**Governor's Park Restaurant, Lawndale, 2010...**

Helen and Jake finish telling the story to Quinn and all of the guests.

"And that's the story of how you were born, sweetie" said Helen.

Something occured to Daria. "If Dad was stuck at work that whole time then who taped that footage of her actual birth?"

"Mr. Baylor" said Helen.

Quinn decided to change the subject. She looked at Jim.

"Should we tell them?"

Jim said "Now's as good a time as any."

Quinn opened up her purse. "Even though it's my birthday" she said, "I have a present for all of you."

She pulled out cream colored envelops and handed half of them to Jim. The two of them proceeded to hand an an envelope to each and every one of their friends and family. Inside each envelope was an ornately decorated note that read:

**You are cordially invited to**   
**The Wedding Of...**   
**Quinn Morgendorffer**   
**&**   
**James Carbone**   
**To be held on...**   
**Saturday**   
**The 22nd of May, 2010**   
**at**   
**Wing Tree Country Club**

Jake and Helen are visibly amazed.

"Wing Tree! Wow!" said Jake.

Helen asked "How on Earth can you afford such a venue?"

"That's the best part," said Quinn, "They're letting us use it for free."

Tom said "Since Jim and I are friends from our Bromwell days I used my family's influence to pull some strings."

Stacy raised a glass in toast.

"Congratulations!"

Nicole raised her glass.

"To Quinn and Jim!"

Sandi raised her glass.

"Cheers!"

Everyone else raised their glasses.

"CHEERS!!"

Quinn and Jim as raised their glasses in return.

"Cheers, everyone!" said Quinn.

Added Jim "Centanni, salute!"

Trent said "Spanish, cool!"

Jim rolled his eyes. "That was Italian, not Spanish. It means one hundred years."

"Cool!" said Trent.

After the toast they all continued to make light conversation.

**End Episode.**


	10. Maidzillas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sandi and Stacy fight over who's going to be the maid of honor at Quinn and Jim's wedding. Meanwhile, Jake is convinced that Jane's boyfriend is imaginary.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and Link on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Maidzillas"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, day...**

Daria and Jane were sitting next to each other on the living room sofa.

"I can't beleive we're doing this" said Daria.

Jane said "I can't believe I drove down from New York for this and we're missing Sick, Sad World."

"No, Jane" replied Daria in her trademark deadpan, "I'm beginning to think we're on it."

In addition to Daria and Jane other guests were Stacy, Nicole and Sandi. Quinn was presiding over a meeting of her five closest friends.

"Thanks for coming, everyone," said Quinn, "As you all know Jim and I are getting married in May. I asked you here because I want you to be my bridesmaids."

"Nice" Jane said with a smirk.

Less than thrilled, Daria said "Jane, remember when I was a bridesmaid at Erin's wedding?"

"You in an ill-fitting dress is kind of hard to forget."

"I'd love to be a bridesmaid at your wedding" Stacy squealed with delight.

Nicole nodded in agreement.

In a sly tone, Sandi asked "Which one of us is the maid of honor?"

"I haven't decided yet" said Quinn.

Nicole immediately said "I'm opting out of the matron-of-honor position."

"How come?" asked Quinn.

"Because you didn't get to be a bridesmaid at my wedding," said Nicole.

Quinn said "That's because you and Jamie eloped with my mother as a witness. I know if you'd had a traditional wedding the maid of honor would've most likely been me or Stacy."

"Still," said Nicole, "Since Jamie and I just ran off to the courthouse and signed on the dotted line I feel it'd be unfair to be a matron-of-honor at your wedding after you were denied the opportunity to be a maid-of-honor at mine. Hopefully, I make up for it by making your choice easier."

Stacy was elated. Since Nicole removed herself from consideration Stacy felt the top spot was hers and hers alone. "It's perfectly obvious who the maid of honor will be, then," said Stacy with a certainty that was disconcerting, "Her other best friend."

Sandi instantly chimed in. "Quinn, I consider it an honor to be your maid of honor."

Stacy suddenly became angry. "Excuse me! I'm her best friend." After a moment, Stacy said "Actually, Nicole and I share that title, but with Nicole opting out of being matron-of-honor I'm clearly the one who deserves that title." Turning to Quinn, she added "Quinn, I'd love to be your matron of honor."

Sandi's old bitchiness returned in full force. "Get real, Stacy. I was President of the Fashion Club."

Stacy refused to back down. "Not since we disbanded it ten years ago."

The two girls stared daggers at each other.

"Guys" said Quinn, "I haven't decided yet."

They didn't even hear her.

"She was maid of honor at my wedding" Stacy said.

"I made her vice president on her first day of high school" Sandi spat back.

Quinn grew nervous as she knew this would get worse before it got better.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the basement...**

  
Jim was in the basement rec room with Tom, Chuck, Link and Jamie. The rec room has a TV with video game console, a bar, a pool table and a card table. The walls are covered in sports memrobilia and Playboy centerfolds. It's a total man cave. The guys were seated at the bar.

"So I want you guys to be my groomsmen," said Jim, "My brother, Chris, is also gonna be a groomsman."

Chuck asked "Who's gonna be the best man?"

Jim explained "It was going to be my brother, Chris, but he declined. I can't say I blame him. He's going through a pretty rough divorce right now. Brooke's trying to take everything from him. He's currently living in a motel. Anyways, my new pick for best man is going to depend on who Quinn picks as a maid of honor."

"That works for me" said Tom.

"What if she picks Daria?" asked Link, "I only ask because you and I are still in the getting-to-know-you-phase. Frankly, the only reason I'm a groomsman is that I'm currently dating one of the bridesmaids."

Jim shrugged. "Does it matter? Besides, your grromsman status is probationary. If you and Daria break up in the meantime then I'm giving your spot to Kevin."

Link, in a deadpan that would rival Daria's, said "Way to take the pressure off."

They all had a brief laugh with that one. "Then again," said Chuck, "It'll be funny to see how Brittany reacts to Kevin dancing with another girl."

At this point, Kevin entered. "Hey, guys, Quinn told me you were down here."

"Hey, Kevin" said Jamie.

"What brings you here?" asked Jim.

Kevin said "Brittany's at the gym with Daryl and the kids are in school, so I figured I'd hang out with you guys for a bit." Looking at his watch, he added "They've been at the gym a while now. Daryl must be working her extra hard today."

**Meanwhile, at the abandoned quarry...**

Kevin's Hummer was rocking up and down. Brittany voice could be heard screaming inside.

"Ah...Oh...DARYL...yes...yes...YES..."

**Jim's man cave...**

Kevin said "I'd think she's cheating on me but Daryl's with her. He can keep an eye on things."

The other guys gave Kevin a pitying look. He STILL hasn't figured out that his wife's cheating on him.

* * *

**Morgendorffer House, evening...**

Jake, Helen, Daria and Jane were seated around the kitchen table having dinner. Jane had decided to stay a few days.

"Thanks for letting me stay a couple of days, Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer" said Jane.

Jake said "Our pleasure, Jane-o!"

"Are you sure Alan won't mind?" asked Helen.

Shrugging, Jane said "He's excavating an ancient burial site in Ontario. Keeping in touch is easier this time since he's in an English-speaking country."

Jake looked at Jane suspiciously. "How come we never meet this Alan?"

"I just told you" said Jane, "he travels a lot for work."

Jake said "You know, Jane, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I had an imaginary friend as a child." His voice turned bitter as he continued. "Not like I could make any real friends. My father always had to scare the other kids off. And if he caught me playing "let's pretend" watch out. "Men don't play pretend games, Jake." "Man up, Jake." "Quit being a GODDAMN BABY, JAKE." "I'M SICK OF YOU BEING A SISSY-ASS, JAKE.""

Jane took out a small necklace that she had in her jacket for just such an emergency.

"Look, a handmade necklace."

This snapped Jake out of his rant.

"Neato!"

While he played with the necklace Helen resumed conversation with Daria and Jane.

"So, how was your afternoon at Quinn and Jim's?"

Daria said "Quinn wants me and Jane to be bridesmaids at the wedding along with Stacy, Sandi and Nicole."

"That's nice of her, to include you" said Helen. Bitter, she added "Not like RITA at HER wedding."

Daria and Jane exchanged worried looks as Helen now seems on the verge of a rant of her own. "But, I shouldn't be so bitter," Helen continued, to everyone's relief, "At least you and Quinn were able to outgrow YOUR rivalry."

There's a definite note of envy in Helen's voice that Daria and Jane noticed.

"She hasn't picked a maid of honor yet" said Daria.

Added Jane "When Nicole opted out of being matron-of-honor Stacy and Sandi starting fighting for the title almost immediately."

Daria said "I think we're gonna attend a funeral before the wedding happens."

"But who's?" asked Jane in her own deadpan.

Helen was a tad disturbed by their maccabre sense of humor.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later that night...**

Quinn and Jim were sitting up in bed while Storm sleeps in his dog basket.

"So, Jim" asked Quinn, "how'd the meeting of potential groomsmen go?"

"They're all on board" said Jim.

Quinn then asked "Who's gonna be the best man?"

Jim said "We agreed that would depend on your pick for maid of honor...unless the maid of honor's Daria or Jane, in which case Chuck and Jamie are gonna flip for it".

Quinn frowned for two reasons: worry and envy. She worried about her inability to choose a maid of honor and envied Jim's ability to be so cavalier about a best man that he's willing to leave that decision entirely to chance. "I can't decide who I want to be maid of honor," said Quinn, "Nicole, Daria and Jane are content with just being bridesmaids, in fact Nicole declined straight out. I know Daria well enough to know that she isn't interested, and neither is Jane. That leaves Sandi and Stacy."

"Why can't you decide?" asked Jim.

Quinn said "They both feel it's rightfully theirs. Stacy makes the case that she's the first friend I made when we moved here from Texas and we've been consistently tight since then. On the other hand, Sandi's had it so hard over the past ten years that she says it's time for her moment in the sun. I can't decide because they both have valid points."

Jim then asked "Why don't I pick a best man and you make your maid of honor choice based on that?"

"I suggested that and they both guilt tripped me," said Quinn, "My pick shows how much they mean to me. Whatever I decide someones feelings get hurt."

Jim was sympathetic, even though the importance women attach to this makes absolutely no sense to him.

* * *

**The next day...**

Quinn was pouring cake batter into a mold. On the table was a camcorder mounted on a tripod. After pouring the cake batter Quinn spoke to the camera.

"So now just pour the batter into the mold for shape and.."

Suddenly, the phone rang. After allowing herself to groan in frustration at the interruption Quinn shut off the camcorder and answered the phone.

"Hello?"

Ob the other end of the line, Stacy said "Hey, Quinn".

"What's going on?" asked Quinn, though she already had an uncomfortable suspicion as to what this phone call was about.

Confirming Quinn's fears, Stacy said "I was just wondering if you've made a decision on who the maid, or matron, of honor will be. I'd consider it a huge honor to be matron of honor at your wedding. After all, you were the maid of honor at my wedding."

Hoping to shorten what promises to be an awkward conversation, Quinn said "Stacy, we've been best friends since we were fourteen. That won't change, no matter who my maid, or matron, of honor is."

Stacy was not about to drop this issue. "I know. But consider that our friendship's been consistent. Sandi, not so much. Back in high school you and her could be more accurately be described as frenemies. Remember that huge fight you had senior year?"

Braching herself for an unpleasant trip down memory lane, Quinn said "Yeah".

Stacy said "She dropped out of our lives for five whole months after that. Yeah, you made up. But then what happened? We all lost touch with her during college. She didn't even try to come to us for help after her mother disowned her. In fact, it's entirely by accident that she even came back into our lives. Some friend."

The harshness of Stacy's tone when she said those last two words made Quinn especially uncomfortable. "Stacy" she said, "Sandi is our friend."

"Yeah, now," said Stacy as she continued to press the issue, "But that wasn't always the case. You and I, on the other hand, have been BFF's all along. Just think about it. Okay?"

Quinn started to feel a little guilty. "Okay."

Feeling triumphant, Stacy said "I gotta go. Later, Quinn."

"Bye, Stacy."

With that, they both hang up. Quinn hadn't even placed the phone back on the hook when it rang again. Quinn answered.

"Hello?"

On the phone, and in a catty tone disturbingly reminiscent of their Fashion Club days, Sandi said "Quinn, I was wondering who you picked to be maid of honor. I have a list of reasons that it shouldn't be Stacy."

Quinn frowned. This was DEFINITELY going to get worse before it gets better.

**End Act I.**

* * *

**Act II**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, day...**

Quinn was on the phone in the kitchen. On the other end of the line Sandi was trying to talk Quinn into making her maid of honor by slamming Stacy.

"...and then there was that time she cried uncontrollably at a Fashion Club meeting."

"Because you were threatening to kick her out" an increasingly irritated Quinn reminded her friend.

"How about the time she lost her virginity to Bret Strand?" Sandi asked in an accusing tone.

"That was high school!" said Quinn, her annoyance growing by the second.

Sandi said "She put out on the first date."

Quinn retorted "Which we successfully covered up out of concern for her reputation."

"Would you rather the school had re-named us the Slut Club?" Sandi asked rhetorically.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "First off" she said, "it was high school. Second, if that's a reason not to be a maid of honor then so's the fact that you're a stripper."

Sandi. for the first time in years, made that famous scowl of hers. "Are you calling me a hypocrite, Kuh-winn?"

The tone made Quinn immediately backpedal. "Oh, Sandee" she said as they fell back into an old pattern, "I would never call you that. I'm just saying there are more important criteria for picking a maid of honor."

"I see!" said Sandi, now in full alpha-bitch mode. "If you're so morally upright maybe YOU should be maid of honor."

"Don't be ridiculous, Sandi" said Quinn.

Keeping the bitchiness turned all the way to eleven, Sandi hissed "So I'm ridiculous, am I?"

Quinn rubbed her temples in frustration. "Look, Sandi, we can discuss this later. After you stop acting like an alpha bitch."

Quinn angrily hung up before Sandi had a chance to fire back. As she put the phone back on it's hook she groaned in frustration. _God, it's like high school all over again!_

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the Morgendorffer House...**

Daria and Jane were watching Sick, Sad World in the living room, just like old times. On the TV screen was a man in a tuxedo at the altar next to a Sasquatch in a wedding dress.

"He found the woman of his dreams...was an ape! I Married Bigfoot...Next on Sick, Sad World!"

As the TV cut to a commercial Daria and Jane commenced with the color commentary.

"Wasn't the groom also that guy who got an anal probe from little green men?" asked Daria in her characteristic deadpan.

Equally deadpan, Jane said "I guess there is such a thing as a paranormal fetish."

"At least he didn't marry a vampire" said Daria.

At this point Jake approached them. "How are you kids?"

"Enjoying a little female bonding" said Daria.

Hoping to get Jake to leave them alone before the commercials ended, Jane said "We're having girl talk, so..."

"No need to be embarrassed, Jane-O," Jake interrupted, "I don't judge you for having an imaginary boyfriend."

"Excuse me!?" Daria asked in shock.

Jake sat next to Jane. "So" he said, "tell me about this "Alan"."

Rolling her eyes, Jane said "If you must know, he's an archeaologist."

Convinced that Jane's boyfriend isn't real, Jake said "You made up a friend who's an archaeologist!? Wow!"

"He's not imaginary" said Jane.

Not believing her, Jake asked "Then how come he's never around?"

"Because he travels" Jane tried to explain.

Jake was impressed. "Wow! That's one great imagination you've got there, Jane-o."

Daria and Jane exchanged knowing looks. Since Jake was utterly convinced that Alan's not real they decided to have a little fun at his expense.

"All right, Dad," said Daria, "You win. Jane made Alan up and I've been playing along. "

Pointing toward the front door, Jane said "There he is now. Back so soon, Alan?"

Jake decided to play along. He walks towards the door and shook hands with thin air. "Nice to meet you, Alan. I'm Jake." He then acted like he was patting someone on the back. "Have you met my friend Doug?" He then pointed to thin air. "He was my imaginary friend before I was sent to military school." Jake smiled as he looked at nothing. Lost in a world of Let's Pretend, Jake turned toward the girls and said "Look kids, they're hitting it off! What's that?" He pretends to listen to someone as his face lights up. "I'd love to show you how to cook!"

As Jake excitedly walked into the kitchen Daria and Jane exchanged knowing looks.

"His inner child's completely taken over, hasn't it?" said Jane.

Daria nodded as she flashed that famous half-smirk.

* * *

**Lawndale Mall, the following afternoon...**

Quinn was walking with Sandi and Stacy. She'd hoped an afternoon of shopping would get them to stop fighting over who'd be the maid of honor at her and Jim's wedding. It was not going according to plan.

"So, Quinn, have you made a decision who your maid of honor is yet?" asked Stacy.

Trying not to let her frustration show, Quinn asked "Stacy, could we please talk about something else?"

Sandi smirked. "Of course, Quinn. Besides, who you pick is up to you. I just hope you pick your best friend."

Stacy was angered by the insinuation. Getting in Sandi's face, she said "Excuse me!? I'm her best friend!"

Sandi stared Stacy down. "After me, that is."

Quinn grew uncomfortable as it's clear she might have to break up a cat fight.

"Um, guys..."

Ignoring Quinn and keeping focused on Sandi, Stacy hissed "You dropped out of her life for four years!"

"And came back" Sandi said in a defiant tone.

"By accident!" Stacy fired back.

"Stacy, you're married and I'm not" Sandi said in an attempt to tug on Stacy's heart strings.

Stacy didn't take the bait. "SO!?"

Attempting to guilt her friend, Sandi said "You've had a perfect life. Why not let me have this moment?"

Stacy was having none of it. "Quinn was maid of honor at my wedding. Also, our friendship hasn't been an on and off roller coaster. I was the first friend she made when she arrived in Lawndale."

"I made her vice president of the Fashion Club" Sandi hissed.

"After I asked you to let her join!" Stacy shot back.

Quinn grew even more uncomfortable. "Um, guys?"

They ignored her.

"I deserve to be maid of honor!" Sandi practically growled.

"No, I deserve to be matron of honor!" Stacy snarled back.

"Um, Guys?" said Quinn, desperate to defuse the situation.

Sandi and Stacy turn towards Quinn and bark the exact same thing at the exact same time.

"WHAT!?!"

Quinn looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Um...Never mind."

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the Morgendorffer House...**

Helen walked up to and opened the front door. Once inside the house Helen closed the door behind her and called out.

"I'm home!"

"In the kitchen, honey!" Jake called out in response.

Helen entered the kitchen to find Jake stirring a pot of tomato sauce. Fearing yet another culinary disaster, she asked "Jake, you're not experimenting again, are you?"

"No, we're sticking to the sauce recipie I got from Gina Carbone" Jake reassured.

Helen breathed a sigh of relief.

Speaking to no one, Jake said "You see, Alan. That's how you do it!"

Helen was puzzled that her husband just spoke to someone who's clearly not there.

"Alan?"

"I'm borrowing Jane's imaginary boyfriend," said Jake with child-like excitement, "I forgot how much fun it is to have an imaginary playmate!"

Helen rolled her eyes as she realized that Jake's inner child has struck again. "For crying out loud, Jake," she said, "Alan's not here and he's not imaginary. He really is Jane's boyfriend."

Jake smiled excitedly. "Thanks for playing along, honey!"

Helen let out an exacerbated sigh. After this, she tried to patiently explain how this would look to someone who isn't an emotionally stunted man-child. "Jake, as much as I enjoy it when we role play in the bedroom this is a little...creepy."

Too lost in his own world to even consider that point, Jake said "But, Jane and Daria play this game. They were playing it with me earlier when they introduced me to Alan."

Helen started to lose her patience. "For crying out loud, Jake, they were joking!"

Speaking to thin air, Jake said "Don't mind her, Alan. She gets like this sometimes."

Helen buried her face in her hand out of frustration. "UGH!"

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the mall...**

In the women's section of Cashman's Quinn was looking at some clothes while Sandi and Stacy continue to argue.

"Stacy, just accept that I'm more suited to be maid of honor than you!" Sandi barked.

"Dammit, Sandi, I'm more of a friend to Quinn than you ever were!" Stacy snapped.

Rolling her eyes, Quinn thought _Damn, I wish Nicole was here. I could use a neuteral party right now_. Out loud, and clearly losing her patience, Quinn snapped "Dammit, you two! I just want to have a nice girls afternoon out with my two oldest friends and you're both ruining it with your constant arguing!"

Sandi defiantly folded her arms. In a very catty tone, she said "So pick a maid of honor right now and settle the issue, Kuh-Winn!"

The return of Sandi's old haughtiness was now seriously rubbing Quinn the wrong way. Getting right in the brunette's face, the redhead hissed "Don't take that tone with me, Sandi."

Sandi's eyes narrowed. "Could I please be your maid of honor?" she asked through gritted teeth.

Stacy immediately got in Sandi's face. "Quinn's going to make me matron of honor, Sandi, and you know it!"

Sandi had one card left to play. With a malicious grin, she said "Stacy, do you want me to tell Quinn about a certain incident in sixth grade?"

Stacy gasped and her face turned white as a sheet. She frantically turned to Quinn. "OHMYGOD!!!!" Stacy squealed in panic, "Quinn, please make Sandi maid of honor!"

Quinn, who knew nothing of the incident Sandi was hinting at, asked "Stacy, what's going on?"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, QUINN, MAKE SANDI THE MAID OF HONOR, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!" Stacy yelled in terror.

"Why?" asked Quinn out of genuine puzzlement at Stacy's sudden fright.

"BECAUSE....BECAUSE..."

Stacy couldn't get any other words out as she started to hyperventilate out of panic.

Sandi immediately moved in for the kill. "She doesn't want you to know that one time, in sixth grade, she needed to take an unscheduled bathroom break but the teacher wouldn't let her. She couldn't hold it in and wound up going in her pants before class let out. Numbers one AND two!"

Stacy was horrified. "no...no...NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

She ran off crying while Sandi grinned in triumph. Quinn stared daggers at the latter.

**End Act II.**

* * *

**Act III**   
**Pizza Prince, day...**

Quinn and Jim were on a double date with Daria and Link. Jane was also with them. Quinn was telling them about the all out war between Sandi and Stacy.

"...so after I gave Sandi a brutal ass chewing we found Stacy. I had to reassure Stacy that I don't think less of her for something that happened when she was eleven. After that I got Sandi to apologize."

"How'd you manage that?" asked Link.

Quinn said "By telling Sandi she'd be dropped from my list of potential maids of honor if she didn't." She sighed before continuing. "My inability to pick a maid of honor has caused them both to regress back to our Fashion Club days."

Visibly relieved, Jim said "I'm not having that trouble with finding a best man. All the guys are okay with whatever decision I make."

Added Link "We already decided that if the maid of honor is Sandi then Tom will be Jim's best man."

"If it's Stacy then the best man will be chuck" Jim said.

Frowning, Quinn said "I wish I could be this casual with my decision, but we girls tend to give too much importance to this."

"Not all of us," said Daria, "I don't care who you pick."

Added Jane, "I'm content with just being a bridesmaid. Hell, I'd be content with just being on the guest list."

Quinn decided to change the subject. "How are things at home, Daria?"

"Dad's convinced that Jane made Alan up."

Jane said "He's been playing let's pretend with an imaginary clone of my absentee boyfriend since then. He's regressed to a prepubescent state."

"Not that he ever grew out of it to begin with" Daria deadpanned.

* * *

**Morgendorffer House, later that day...**

Jake was sitting alone on the couch having a thumb war with no one...unless his imaginary version of Alan counts as a person.

"HA! I win again, Alan."

At this point, Jane entered the living room. Seeing her, Jake said "Oh! Hey, Jane-o!"

Trying not to roll her eyes at the utter ridiculousness of the situation, Jane said "Hi, Mr. Morgendorffer."

Jake noticed that Jane came in alone. "Where's Daria?" he asked.

Hoping not to give him the wrong idea (Daria and Link have not yet been physically intimate), Jane said "I wanted to give her and Link some alone time so I just came back to change into my running clothes. What are you up to?"

Jake said "Just pretending to have a thumb war with Alan. Having an imaginary friend is fun."

Jane rolled her eyes as she decided that enough was enough. "Jake, about Alan..."

"He's great, isn't he?" said Jake, "Seriously, though, you need to find a real person."

Jane gasped in exasperation. Suddenly, there was a ring tone coming from her jacket. She pulled out her cell phone and answered.

"Hello?...Oh, Hi Alan...Nothing much...Hey, listen, could you talk to Daria's father for a minute...He thinks you're a figment of my imagination...Alright." Jane handed the phone to Jake. "Alan, as in the real Alan, wants to say hi."

A visibly confused Jake took the phone. "Hello?" His eyes suddenly went wide with shock. "You're real!!"

Jane smirked.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, evening...**

Quinn and Jim were sitting on the the living room couch and talking. The subject was the fact that she still can't pick a maid of honor.

"How can such a simple decision be so hard?" asked Quinn.

"Because they all mean a lot to you," Jim answered, "My initial pick turned down the best man decision, that's the only reason I put it all on you. Sorry."

Quinn put a reassuring hand on Jim's shoulder. "That's okay, Jim," she said, "Why was Chris your first choice, anyway?"

Jim rolled his eyes. "Duh, He's my brother. I understand that it's hard to choose between your closest friends. That's why I left my decision to chance after Chris declined."

Quinn asked "Why did Chris turn you down, anyway?"

"The divorce," said Jim, "Being a best man doesn't feel right to him with his own marriage crumbling. I can't really say I disagree."

Quinn asked "What should I do?"

Jim said "Give it to the one who deserves it the most."

Quinn was disappointed by the answer. "That doesn't help, Jim. On the one hand, Stacy is my best friend. She's been my best friend since I was fourteen. Sandi is my best friend, too, but with her it's been very on and off over the years. On the other hand, Sandi's had it so hard since high school. She deserves a chance at happiness."

Jim said "She'll get it whether she's maid of honor or not."

Quinn asked "So, what should I do?"

Jim said "Disregard what the others are telling you. If feelings are hurt explain to them that it's nothing against them. You went with who you felt was the most appropriate choice but that doesn't mean you think less of the others."

Quinn began thinking with consideration only for what she herself felt would be best. _Nicole and Stacy are obvious choices. I can scratch Nicole off the list since she opted out of being matron of honor. I was maid of honor at Stacy's wedding. The problem with making her matron of honor is that I'll have to deal with Sandi being a sore loser. Sandi's had it rough since high school, even though things seem to be getting better for her since she started dating Tom. The problem with making her maid of honor is that we lost touch after high school. The fact that we've since reconnected is entirely a product of circumstance and while Sandi means a lot to me I can name at least three bridesmaids who've had a more significant impact on my life. Stacy's been my BFF since the first day of high school, Nicole's been my other BFF since the first day of college. Also, all three of us are Theta Sisters. That bond's even more enduring than the one we had in the Fashion Club. Finally, there's my sister. Daria's been a significant part of my life literally since day one. Also, having her as maid of honor would show just how far we've come from the hostile relationship we had growing up. The problem there is that Daria has made clear that she doesn't wanna be maid of honor. Also, to be fair, if and when Daria gets married Jane's gonna be her maid of honor_.

Quinn took a brief second to collect herself before resuming her internal monologue.

_Best way to stop Stacy and Sandi's fighting is to drop them both from consideration. Then they wouldn't have anything to fight over. That still leaves the other problem. Jane doesn't want to be maid of honor, neither does Daria. Nicole doesn't want it either._

Quinn suddenly realized that last sentence was not enitrely true.

_She removed herself from consideration because she feels it'd be unfair to be the matron of honor at my wedding when her wedding was just a rushed ceremony at a courthouse with my mother as a witness._

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, a few days later...**

Quinn and Jim were seated around the coffee table in the living room with Daria, Jane, Stacy, Sandi, Nicole, Chuck, Link, Tom and Jamie.

Jim said "I guess you're all wondering why Quinn and I wanted you here today."

Deadpan, Daria said "Well, all of Quinn's bridesmaids and most of Jim's groomsmen. I'm going to take a wild guess and assume this is wedding business."

Quinn smiled. "Jim and I talked it over and we've decided on a maid of honor and a best man" she said.

Sandi and Stacy both had their fingers crossed. Under her breath, Stacy said "It's going to be me and Chuck, I know it."

Sandi whispered under her breath "Stacy, you're going down."

Quinn proceeded to explain her reasoning. "First off, Sandi and Stacy." As the two looked at Quinn with expectant eyes, Quinn said "I want this fighting between the two of you to stop. You both mean a lot to me and to each other. It hurts me to see you fight over who's my best friend because you both are. That being said, while you can have more than one BFF there can only be one maid of honor. Daria, you're my sister and I love you. That's why I'd feel cheated if I weren't the matron of honor at your wedding, but I know you'll give that position to Jane. Since you've stated that you don't want the title anyway I decided to let you off the hook. Anyway, now that that's done..." Quinn paused for dramatic effect. "...my maid of honor will be...Nicole."

Stacy nodded approvingly (since she's just as tight with Nicole as Quinn is) while Sandi scowled in disappointment.

"But, Quinn," Nicole protested, "You didn't get to be maid of honor at my wedding. Granted, that's because Jamie and I eloped, but still."

"My wedding," said Quinn, "My choice." Turning to the others, Quinn said "And my choice doesn't mean I think of you any less. You're all equal in my eyes."

Nicole smiled as a stray tear ran down her cheek. She immediately ran up to Quinn and hugged her.

"Thank you."

Meanwhile, Jim and Jamie shook hands.

"Congratulations, Jamie," said Jim, "You're going to be my best man."

Smiling, Jamie said "I consider it an honor, Jim."

As this was going on Sandi and Stacy decided to bury the hatchet.

"Stacy, I'd like to apologize for being such a bitch."

"Me too, Sandi. I'm sorry." Stacy held her hand out for Sandi to shake. "Friends?"

Sandi, rather than shake Stacy's hand, hugged her. "We'll always be friends, Stacy."

Quinn smiled, relieved that all the drama was finally over.

* * *

**Pizza Prince, the next day...**

Daria and Quinn were having some one on one sister time.

"So, Nicole, huh?" said Daria.

"Sorry" said Quinn. When she saw the confused look on Daria's face, Quinn added "Just one more thing I've cheated you out of. I still owe you for all the times I made your life hell when we were kids."

"Quinn, you don't owe me anything," said Daria, "I'm not Mom, I won't keep a childhood grudge going on into middle age."

"I know," said Quinn, "and I won't either. Yes, we get along now, but I still feel bad about the way I treated you when we were kids."

"Quinn," said Daria, "It's not that big of a deal. Frankly, if we're being honest, I wasn't exactly sister-of-the-year material myself. The fact that we've managed to move past that more than makes up for anything either of us did to each other when we were younger."

"I guess" said Quinn, although it's clear from her tone that she doesn't believe it.

Daria eyed her sister with concern. _Quinn's guilt complex is more serious than I thought._

**End Episode.**


	11. Another Night At Daria's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daria and Link decide to physically consummate their relationship. Jake accidentally walks in on them while they are doing so.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and Link on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Another Night At Daria's"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**A restaurant in Lawndale, evening...**

That's Amore Italian Restaurant is one of the most romantic restaurants in Lawndale. Inside, the decor includes murals of such romantic scenes as the canals of Venice, the streets of Rome, Cafe's in Naples and beaches in Sicily. The restaurant has an in-house band playing romantic music and a dance floor. Each table is decorated with a lit candle and a red rose in a jar. At one table Quinn and Jim were on a double-date with Daria and Link.

"Thanks for taking us out" said Link.

"Our pleasure," Quinn replied.

Jim added "Yeah, any friend of Daria's is a friend of ours."

Daria said "Sorry you guys are picking up the tab."

Jim shrugged it off. "No problem, we can afford it. Besides, Quinn and I have been so busy with work and planning our wedding that we needed a break."

"How did you guys meet anyway?" asked Link.

Quinn said "I was moving back to Lawndale from Boston. Jim wound up sitting next to me on the train."

Added Jim "I had to make a day trip up to New York for business and we wound up sitting next to each other."

Quinn continued "We started talking and everything just kind of took off from there."

Jim then asked "How did you guys meet?"

Daria said "It was the summer between my Junior and Senior years of high school. Mom forced me to be a councilor at a day camp run by my language arts teacher."

"It was lame," said Link, "I was a twelve year old with anger issues and my mom basically dumped me in that place so she wouldn't have to deal with me. We kind of bonded over the fact that we both hated it there."

"We didn't become romantic at the time," Daria quickly added, "But we did quickly develop a big sister/little brother kind of relationship."

Link continued "We tried to stay in touch after the summer, but life kept getting in the way and we gradually lost touch over the years. Then I recently ran into her at the hardware store and recognized her."

"We got to talking and he asked me out" said Daria. After a brief pause, she explained "Seeing him as a grown man caused me to feel and instant attraction to him, but I was reluctant due to the fact that I'd previously known him as a child in need of guidance. After taking a few days to think about it I decided to give it a chance and asked him out."

"Pretty obvious how it went from there" said Link in a deadpan that brought a smile to Daria's face.

"That's actually kind of cute," said Quinn in a dreamy voice, "Two old friends reconnecting and becoming something more. They make romantic movies about that kind of thing."

Daria and Link exchanged looks. At this point, the band changed songs.

"Care to dance?" Link asked.

"I can't dance" said Daria.

"Neither can I" said Link, "But seeing us awkwardly make a spectacle of ourselves would be fun."

"I like the way you think" said Daria in a flirty tone. With that, she and Link made their way to the dance floor.

"Wanna join them?" asked Jim.

"Let's" said Quinn.

With that, Jim and Quinn made their way to the dance floor.

* * *

**Morgendorffer house, later that evening...**

Helen and Jake were seated in the living room waiting up for Daria.

"Jake?" said Helen.

Jake didn't even hear his wife because he was so engrossed by what was on TV. On the screen was a masked man with a blood soaked knife kicking a small dog while the dog's owner lay dead on the floor.

"What's worse than killing people? Abusing their pets while doing it! Mass Serial Puppy Kickers, next on Sick, Sad World!"

"OHMYGOD!!!" exclaimed Jake, "Helen, where's the dog!?"

Helen rolled her eyes. "Jake, we don't have a dog."

At this point, the front door opened. Jake immediately jumped up with a start.

"GAH!! IT'S THE PUPPY KICKING KILLER!!!!"

Closing the door behind her, Daria said "No, just your daughter coming home from a date."

Jake went from frightened to happy. "Quinn's back!"

Daria sighed. "No, the daughter who once again lives here."

"You'll have to excuse your father, Daria," said Helen, "He saw something on TV that excited him." Hurriedly changing the subject, Helen asked "How was the date?"

Daria answered "Good, despite the fact that my boyfriend and I were on a double-date with my sister and soon-to-be brother-in-law. We went to That's Amore."

Helen had a wistful smile on her face. "That sounds wonderful. That's Amore is the most romantic restaurant in the Baltimore/DC area."

Before this conversation had the chance to become an inquisition, Daria said "I'm tired. I think I'll call it a night."

"Goodnight, sweetie" said Helen, knowing better than to try and keep a conversation with Daria going when the latter shuts it down.

"Goodnight, Mom, Dad," said Daria as she quickly made her way upstairs.

Turning to Jake, Helen said "Jake, how come we never go out anymore?"

Jake had turned everyone out. "You say something?"

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Helen said "Jake, we never go out anymore! Granted, it used to be because we didn't have time but now the girls are grown, I've long since made partner and you're retired. We have plenty of time now."

Feeling a little guilty, Jake said "Okay, how about I take you out? We'll got to..." Jake struggled to remember. "...um...What's that restaurant Daria mentioned?"

Resisting the urge to go off on him, Helen said "That's Amore."

"Yeah!" Jake said excitedly, "Let's go there. I just need to find a babysitter for Daria."

Rolling her eyes, Helen said "Jake, Daria's 28."

Jake's eyes went wide. "She's twenty-eight! Wow!"

Helen buried her face in her hand out of frustration. "UGH!"

* * *

**Pizza Prince, the following afternoon...**

Daria and Quinn were having some one-on-one sister time over pizza. Daria was telling Quinn about their parent's plans.

"...so now Mom and Dad are having dinner at That's Amore Friday night and spend the whole weekend at Le Grande Hotel."

Quinn said "You're gonna have the house to yourself for a whole weekend!? Got anything special planned."

"Stare at the wall, catch up on my reading, watch Sick, Sad World" said Daria.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Oh, Daria," she said, "When will you ever learn? You have the house to yourself for a weekend, you should take advantage."

"Quinn" said Daria, "I'm a responsible adult, not a reckless teenager."

"I'm not saying throw a kegger," said Quinn, "But you're not the anti-social brain you were back in high school. Let loose and have some fun."

Daria said "Quinn, I'm an unemployed PhD holder living back with her parents. I don't exactly have a big social calendar."

"You have a boyfriend" Quinn said with a wink.

Daria's eyes went wide with realization. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Quinn nodded with a sly grin. "Come on, it's been two months and you guys are doing great. Don't you and Link wanna take things to the next level."

"I don't know what's weirder," said Daria, "You encouraging me to have sex or my thinking it's a good idea."

Quinn said "Daria, you and Link have a chance to be alone for a whole weekend. Frankly, if I were the one still living at home I'd be dragging Jim in the sack as soon as Mom and Dad are out the door."

"As opposed to getting it on any and every time you want because you live together" Daria deadpanned.

Quinn said "Daria, this isn't the fifties and you and Link are consenting adults."

Daria said nothing but looked thoughtful.

* * *

**That's Amore, Friday evening...**

Jake and Helen were seated at a table taking in the atmosphere. Helen was wearing a sexy yet tasteful black evening dress. Her hair and makeup were done and this combined with the fact that she keeps herself in good shape made her look much younger than look more like a 40 year old than the 59 years old that she was. Jake was wearing a suit and tie. While Helen looks enamored by the romantic setting Jake looks visibly worried.

"I can't believe we're leaving Daria home alone all weekend" said Jake.

Patient, Helen said "Jake, she'll be fine. Let's just enjoy the romantic evening." Her voice took on a sensual tone when she added "Then we'll head to the hotel for some desert".

Jake perked up. "You're right, honey. By the way, you're just as beautiful now as you were when I first saw you on the quad that day at Middleton."

Helen blushed. "Jakey, it's so flattering that you still see me that way 41 years and two kids later." Turning up the heat in her voice, Helen said "And you're still the virile stud you were back then, my sexy man."

Jake would have been turned on but the mention of two kids caused him to once again worry about Daria at home alone. "You really think Daria's okay?"

Helen let out a frustrated sigh.

Unaware that he's killing the mood, Jake said "I wonder what Daria's doing right now."

Helen didn't know whether to reassure her husband or slap him for being a complete buzzkill.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at the Morgendorffer house...**

Daria and Link were in her room playing video games. While Link was in his usual t-shirt and jeans Daria was dressed differently from usual. She was wearing a green t-shirt with a v-neck that showed cleavage and was so tight that if the light hit her just right one could see the outline of her bra. She was wearing tight, low cut jeans and instead of her usual Doc Martens she was wearing sandals to show off her painted toes.

"Dammit" said Link as he saw his character literally ripped to shreds on the screen.

"You're slipping," said Daria as she paused the game, "I just killed you five times in a row."

Looking at Daria's outfit, Link playfully said "Well, it is kind of hard to focus on the game when my opponent is wearing something that shows off her curves."

Deadpan, Daria said "So, you've figured out my nefarious plan to distract you by dressing sexy, have you."

Stifling a laugh, Link said "If you don't mind me asking, why are you dressed like that? And don't say something cliche like looking sexy for your man."

Stifling a laugh of her own, Daria said "Actually, that's exactly why I wore this."

"Are you trying to seduce me, Miss Morgendorffer?" Link asked in his best deadpan.

"Actually," said a now serious Daria, "I'd like to talk about that. Link, what do you think of our relationship?"

Unsure what she was getting at, Link said "I think it's great. Daria, I like you. You speak your mind, you don't let people con you or push you into things you don't wanna do and you live on your own terms. Frankly, we're so compatible that being together makes sense."

Daria said "It doesn't bother you that when we first met you were a twelve year old boy and I was a seventeen year old camp counselor."

"No."

"It felt awkward to me at first," Daria admitted, "That's why I turned you down when you asked me out at the hardware store at first."

"What changed your mind?" Link asked.

Daria said "I realized that you're now a 23 year old man and I'm a 28 year old woman. Our age difference is a non-issue now. We're both adults and we're both interested so I decided to put my misgivings aside and see what happens."

Smiling, Link said "I'm glad you did."

"Link," Daria admitted, "I'm dressed like this because I was hoping you'd want to...you know...spend the night."

Link said "I'd be happy to." A second later, he added "If you want. You sure?"

Daria decided to lay all her cards on the table. "Link, it's like this. Obviously, we're into each other. We're both adults. Ever since I ran into you that day at Deuce's I've been attracted to you both physically and emotionally. At first, that freaked me out since I'd originally known you as a troubled child in need of my guidance. Now, I've come to see you as the man you've grown into. Frankly, we're adults in a steady relationship, we're both attracted to each other, I'm on the pill and have a box of condoms in the top drawer of my nightstand. The way I see it, the only reason for us not to have sex would be if one of us doesn't want to. So I'm going to disregard female modestly and just go on record that I want you to sleep with me, but only if you want that too. So, Link, and please do me the courtesy of being totally honest, do you want to have sex with me?"

Smiling, Link said "You know, I wish everyone was as honest as you. Yes, Daria, I'd love to stay the night and yes, I do wanna have sex."

Nothing more needed to be said. Daria and Link leaned in close. Soon, their lips touched in a soft kiss. After this they kissed again, opening their mouths this time. As they explored one another's mouths with their tongues their hands began to roam over one another's bodies. They were so into it that they ignored the phone when it started ringing.

* * *

**The streets of Lawndale, later...**

Jake's car was speeding down the street. Inside, a panic stricken Jake was driving while a visibly pissed off Helen was in the passenger seat.

"HANG ON, DARIA!" Jake shouted, "DADDY'S COMING TO SAVE YOU!!!"

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, JAKE," Helen barked, "I'M SURE DARIA'S FINE!"

Jake said "But she didn't answer the phone when I called, Helen! MY LITTLE GIRL'S IN DANGER!!!"

**Meanwhile, at the Morgendorffer house...**

Daria and Link's clothes are on the floor of Daria's room while they themselves are in her bed doing things to each other that feel REALLY good.

"God, Daria, you have such an incredible body!"

"Touch me, Link...yes...oh...right there!"

**Jake's car...**

As Jake continued to drive Helen was chewing his ass out.

"Dammit, Jake! First, you insist on calling home to check on Daria. When she doesn't answer you cut dinner short AND cancel our weekend at Le Grande! I hope you're happy, our romantic weekend is ruined!"

Jake shouted "HANG ON, DARIA!! I WON'T LET THAT MASS SERIAL PUPPY KICKER TAKE YOU AWAY!!!"

* * *

**Daria's room...**

"Take me!" Daria growled erotically as she and Link continued to physically consummate their relationship.

**Outside the Morgendorffer house, a short time later...**

Jake's car pulled into the driveway and came to a screeching halt. Jake immediately ran to the front door while Helen sat there with a look of extreme disappointment on her face.

"I WON'T LET THE MASS SERIAL PUPPY KICKER KILL YOU, DARIA!!!" Jake shouted.

 _But I might kill you, Jake_ Helen thought.

**Inside the house...**

Jake charged in so quickly that he left the front door open. He immediately ran up the stairs and ran down the upstairs hallway. When he reached Daria's room he heard her voice through the door.

"Ah...Huh...Ah...Oh...Uh...Uh...Uh..."

 _OHMYGOD!_ Jake thought, _SOMEONE'S ATTACKING HER RIGHT NOW! I HAVE TO SAVE MY LITTLE GIRL!!!_

Without thinking to knock first Jake immediately charged into the room. What he saw made him stop dead in his tracks.

"AH...UGH...OH...DARIA..."

"UH...LINK...SO...GOOD...YES...YES...OHGODYES..."

Jake had only one thing to say.

"GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That got their attention. Daria and Link instantly pulled apart and were horrified to see that their lovemaking had been interuppted by her father.

"EEP!" Daria exclaimed.

"AHHH!!! MR. MORGENDORFFER!!!" Link shouted in terror.

* * *

**Act II**   
**Morgendorffer House, evening...**

Jake's angry voice could be heard by the entire neighborhood.

"HOW DARE YOU VIOLATE MY DAUGHTER! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, GODDAMMIT!!!"

A few seconds later the front door opened and a still naked Link ran for his life, carrying his shirt in one hand and his pants in the other so he could put them on when it was safe to stop running.

**The living room, a short time later...**

A visibly traumatized Jake sat on the couch while Helen tried her best to calm him down.

"It...it was so horrible," Jake stammered, "She...was...r...riding...h..him...th...they...we...were...n...n..OH GOD...the horror...THE HORROR.."

"I'll have a talk with her" Helen calmly reassured him.

It was at this point that a now fully clothed Daria came down the stairs and approached her parents.

"I...um...I guess I owe an explanation" she said.

Helen got right in her daughter's face. "GODDAMN RIGHT YOU DO, YOUNG LADY!"

Jake just sat there shaking with a haunted expression on his face.

Helen barked "Daria Ann Morgendorffer, what the hell were you thinking!?!"

Daria said "That Link and I are consenting adults in a steady monogamous relationship and we wanted to have sex."

"Don't you DARE sass me, young lady" Helen growled.

"Mom," said Daria, "We were in my room, you and Dad were supposed to be away for the weekend, I'm on the pill and we used a condom. I get that Dad couldn't handle seeing his daughter having sex with her boyfriend, a situation he could've avoided by knocking first, but beyond that I fail to see what the big deal is."

"The big deal," Helen said, "Is that you live in MY house, and you will respect MY rules."

"I wasn't aware of a no sex rule" Daria replied.

Helen said "It should be a given that there's no sex allowed in this house."

"So, you and Dad have embraced celibacy?" Daria asked in her best deadpan.

Helen said "That's different! Your father and I are married."

Daria asked "And did you wait until you were married to have sex?"

Helen blushed with embarrassment. Not only did she accidentally tell Daria about the race car driver she'd lost her virginity to but there's the fact that Helen and Jake met in college during the era of free love. They've done things Helen would never tell anyone about.

"Be that as it may," Helen said, "In this house only married people are allowed to have sex." Daria was about to say something but Helen cut her off. "That's not negotiable. You are grounded!"

Daria said "Despite being 28."

Enraged by her daughter's flippance, Helen shouted "AND I FORBID YOU TO EVER SEE THAT LINK BOY EVER AGAIN, OR DATE!!!"

Daria stared daggers at her mother, which Helen noticed.

"You don't like it, you can leave."

Daria decided to take her mother up on that. "Fine!" She made her way to the door.

"Where are you going, Daria!?" Helen barked.

"Wouldn't you like to know" Daria flippantly replied as she walked out the door and closed it behind her.

Once Daria was gone, Helen calmed down. Once calm, Helen regretted letting her temper get the better of her. "Nice job, Helen" she said to herself in a sarcastic tone.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later that night...**

Quinn, Jim and Daria were seated at the kitchen table. Daria had just told them what happened.

Trying to keep himself together, Jim said "You mean...he actually...heh...ha...Oh, HA HA HA HA, HEH HEH HEH, OH HOH OHO HOH HOH...HEE HEE HEE...AH HA HA HA..."

Seeing both women stare daggers at him snapped Jim out of his laughing fit. "Sorry."

Sighing, Daria said "Hence, why I show up here unannounced asking to spend the night with you guys. Mom and especially Dad are too upset to listen to reason."

Quinn was understanding. "Well, better than the time Mom walked in on me and Jim."

Knowing about that incident, Daria said "Well, Dad didn't go blind. He just became obsessed with killing Link before becoming so traumatized that he could only cower nervously in the living room." After a brief pause, she added "I can't believe this. I mean, Mom and Dad were a young couple during the golden age of sleaze."

Added Jim "Having sex with a steady partner's probably the most vanilla thing your parents did in their twenties."

Daria recoiled at the thought as Quinn said "Jim, EWWWWW! I don't wanna think about my parents like THAT!"

Realizing that he'd once again put his foot in his mouth, Jim said "Sorry, but your reaction to the thought of your parents being sexual does make a point. How do you think it felt for him when your father saw you with Link!"

Daria said nothing but realized that Jim had a point.

Quinn shuddered. "This reminds me of the time I accidentally walked in on Mom and Dad when I was six."

Daria said "It doesn't help that Mom is now insisting I take a purity pledge."

Remembering the time Helen accidentally saw her and Jim have sex, Quinn said "What you need to do is remind Dad that while you'll always be his daughter the fact remains that you're a grown woman now. That's how Mom and I got over the awkwardness after she saw me with Jim."

"Quinn," said Daria, "You know how Dad is. He's too excitable to listen to reason even when he's totally calm and collected. Also, there's still the issue with Mom."

Quinn said "Daria, we both know that's gonna blow over before too long."

"True," said Daria, "But that still leaves the issue of being arbitrarily condemned to celibacy just because they can't accept my being a grown woman with needs and desires."

Jim said "Daria, they're your parents. To them you'll always be a little girl in need of guidance and protection."

Daria asked "How would your parents have reacted if this happened to you, Jim?"

With a sigh, Jim said "Dad would've praised me for getting it in like a man should. Mom, on the other hand, would've dragged me to the nearest church and locked me in the confessional."

Quinn said "I'm sure you can work out a compromise, one that allows you to have the sex life you want without traumatizing Mom and Dad in the process."

Daria sighed. This was far from over. "I'm not looking forward to having THAT conversation."

"I'll go with you," said Quinn, "After all, this is sort of my fault. I'm the one who suggested you hook up with Link while Mom and Dad are gone."

* * *

**Morgendorffer house, later that night...**

Jake and Helen were both in bed. While Helen slept soundly Jake tossed and turned in his sleep as his trip to dreamland was not a pleasant one.

**Jake's dream...**

A young Jake was bouncing a little Daria on his knee. The little girl giggled.

"That was fun Daddy!"

Jake smiled.

"Daddy," said little Daria, "What's sex?"

Jake was so freaked that he started coughing. Regaining his composure, he said "Um...Why do you ask?"

Little Daria said "Because when I grow up I wanna be a slut and have lots of sex!"

"GAH!!!!"

The little girl leapt off her father's knee and suddenly morphed into a fully grown Daria with no clothes on.

"I'm going to my room to fuck" said Daria.

Jake angrily stood up. "LIKE HELL YOU ARE!"

Daria suddenly vanished. Confused, Jake looked around until he felt a small hand tug at his pants leg.

"Daddy, what are you looking for?" asked a little (and fully clothed) Daria.

"Um...Oh, thank God!" said a visibly relieved Jake. His relief was short lived as he heard adult Daria's voice coming from upstairs.

"Ah...OH...GOD...YES...GIVEITTOME...YES...YES..."

Jake ran upstairs, driven by righteous fury. He opened the door to Daria's room.

"So..ah...good...yes...YES..."

Jake was about to explode when someone tapped him on the shoulder. Jake turned around to see a burly man standing behind him.

"Hey, buddy," the guy said, "I'm next. Go to the back of the line."

"This is MY house, pal" Jake replied in an angry tone.

"And I'm next, back of the line" the guy said in an impatient tone.

Jake saw a long line of men going back and down the stairs.

Another guy in the line said "Yeah, pal. We're all in line to fuck your sexy whore of a daughter."

Jake shouted "I'LL KILL EVERY ONE OF YOU GODDAMN PERVERTS! I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

Before he could make good on the threat, however, Jake was suddenly somewhere else. He was standing in front of Cafe Risque. He blinked and was suddenly inside the strip club. Every single one of the strippers was Daria.

"No," Jake gasped in horror, "DEAR GOD, NO!!!"

He saw a lingerie clad Daria working the pole. He saw another scantily clad Daria dragging not one, but two men into the champagne room. He saw another Daria giving a guy one hell of a lap dance and another Daria getting her clothes ripped off by a whole group of horny guys. Suddenly, something got his attention.

"Hey, big daddy," said a Daria who was wearing a lacy red bra, red thong panties, black stiletto heels and nothing else, "I'll do you all night for five bucks."

"Daria," Jake pleaded, "Please, don't do this."

Suddenly, Jake found himself in a vast nothingness when a visibly drugged out Daria appeared.

"Look at me, Dad," said this version of Daria, "Look at the dirty little whore I've become."

A whole army of naked men suddenly descended on Daria and savagely ripped her clothes off.

"YES" Daria shouted in ecstasy, "USE ME LIKE A SEX TOY! I WANT IT!!!!"

Jake was horrified.

**Reality...**

Jake woke up with a start and let out a blood curdling scream.

"GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

* * *

**A TGIF restaurant, the next day...**

Quinn and Daria were talking with Helen over lunch.

"Daria," said Helen, "I'd like to apologize for losing my temper last night. Truth is, I was more mad at your father than I was at you.

Daria asked "How come? Also, while we're on that subject, why'd you come home when you were supposed to be away for the whole weekend?"

Helen explained "Your father saw something on TV that got him all worked up. When he called to check up on you and you didn't answer he jumped to the worst possible conclusion and insisted we cancel the weekend and go home. I tried to talk him out of it, but you know how he gets."

"Unfortunately" said Daria.

Quinn added "Mom, what about the no sex rule you imposed?"

Put off, Helen said "Quinn, this is between your sister and I."

Quinn replied "I was already involved before Daria showed up at my place last night." Now embarrassed, she went on to admit "Daria having Link over was my idea."

Helen's eyes went wide. "Quinn, what the hell were you thinking!?"

Quinn said "Look, Mom, Daria's not a little girl anymore. The only reason she's even living with you guys is because she can't afford a place of her own. Yes, things are starting to improve but it's going to take time before Daria makes enough money to go out on her own. I was just trying to help her make the best of a bad situation."

Helen immediately understood. "I see your point, Quinn. Frankly, it's unrealistic to expect a twenty-eight year old woman to adhere to rules intended for a child. Truth is, Daria, as long as you're responsible there's nothing wrong with being physically intimate with your boyfriend."

"Don't worry, Mom," said Daria, "My life's stressful enough without an STD or unplanned pregnancy."

"How about this," Quinn suggested, "Mom, you allow Daria to have sex with her boyfriend and in return," Quinn turned toward her sister, "Daria, you agree to be discreet so Mom and Dad can at least pretend you aren't...you know." After a brief pause, Quinn added "Also, you might want to save doing it in your room for when a better option isn't available."

"That's fair" said Helen.

"Works for me," said Daria, "Though, in light of recent events, I don't think I'll be having sex in the house again any time soon."

Helen sighed. "I doubt your father will go along with any compromise, at least not in his current state."

Quinn said "That's why Daria and I wanted to talk to you first. I figure it'll be easier if all three of us present a united front."

Helen smiled proudly. They grow up so fast.

"How is he, by the way?" asked Quinn.

Helen frowned.

* * *

**Later, at the Morgendorffer house...**

Jake was sitting alone in the living room drinking martinis in a failed attempt to forget what he saw.

 _I can't get what I saw out of my head_ he thought. _My daughter, my wonderful little kiddo, was having sex with a man. I...OH,GOD...I SAW MY LITTLE ANGEL'S INNOCENCE VIOLATED!!!_ "GAAAAHHHHHH!!!" he screamed out loud. Next, Jake downed his martini in one gulp before pouring himself another from the pitcher on the end table. He downed that one in one gulp as well.

_How dare she!! How dare she let a man take her innocence! He began shaking as another disturbing thought entered his head. My father would never let me hear the end of this if he were still alive. He'd say I'm such a fuck up that I couldn't even teach my daughters to be good, wholesome girls. "Your daughter's a slut, you goddamn little pansy" he'd say, "Just like her commie slut mother. In fact, I doubt either of those girls are yours. Your such a girly wimp she probably fucked some other guy to get pregnant, because you sure as hell don't have the stones to do it, you pussy."_

At this point, Jake stared at the floor and angrily shook his fist. "GODDAMN YOU, MAD DOG!!!! I HOPE YOU'RE BURNING IN HELL RIGHT NOW, YOU PSYCHOTIC SONOFA..."

The sound of the door opening brought Jake out of his rant. He got up and saw Helen standing in the doorway.

"Hi, Helen," said Jake, "Back from lunch with Quinn."

"Jake," said Helen, "All four of us need to have a talk."

"Four?"

Helen stepped aside to reveal both Daria and Quinn behind her. Jake instantly gulped with dread.

* * *

**Act III**   
**Morgendorffer house, afternoon...**

Jake, Helen, Daria and Quinn are gathered in the living room discussing the recent incident of Jake walking in on Daria while she was having sex.

"Dad," said Daria, "I get that you're upset, but the three of us have already worked out a compromise."

"COMPROMISE!" Jake yelled, "YOU WANT ME TO COMPROMISE YOUR INNOCENCE!?! NO WAY, DARIA! NO GODDAMN WAY!!!"

"JAKE!" Helen barked, "You're being completely unreasonable!"

Jake said "I saw my little girl naked in bed with a MAN! HOW THE HELL CAN I BE REASONABLE AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THAT!?!"

"DAD," Quinn interjected, "Daria's twenty-eight, she's not a little girl anymore. Remember when I posed nude for that painting?"

Jake shuddered. The only reason he was even able to deal then was because he hadn't actually seen the painting and could therefore just pretend it wasn't there. "THAT'S DIFFERENT," he barked at his younger daughter, "I DIDN'T SEE YOU VIOLATED BY A MAN!"

Helen said "But I did. Jake, when you were in the hospital for that triple bypass I wanted to tell Quinn right away that you'd pulled through and everything was fine but my cell phone was dead. I went to her apartment to tell her in person and when I arrived I accidentally saw her having sex with Jim. I...well...I was initially traumatized but got over it pretty quickly."

Jake's jaw dropped and his eyes went wide. Too worked up to be the least bit rational, he looked at Quinn and yelled "YOU'VE HAD SEX TOO!?!"

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Dah-ahd, I'm engaged to a man I've already been living with for the past four years. You can't seriously believe Jim and I were celibate for all that time. I wasn't even a virgin when I met Jim. I was with Trevor all through college." She wisely didn't mention having a one night stand with Trent between breaking up with Trevor and meeting Jim.

Jake was horrified, even though none of this should even be a surprise, at the reality check. "No!" he gasped, "Oh, dear God, NO!!!"

Jake began to rub his temples as he struggled to wrap his mind around the now inescapable fact that both of his little girls were now grown women. Finally...

"GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...DAMMIT!!!!!!"

"Dad," said a concerned Daria, "are you okay?"

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Jake frantically ran out the front door. Next, they all heard the sound of his car starting followed by the sound of said car angrily speeding off.

"Oh, my" said Helen.

Sarcastic, Daria said "Well, that went surprisingly well."

Quinn just sat there looking thoughtful.

* * *

**Daria's room, a short time later...**

Daria was laying atop her bed counting the cracks in the ceiling. It was a method of dealing with stress that she'd picked up when the family first moved into the house back when she was in high school. She'd not outgrown the habit in the thirteen years since then. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Mom," said Daria, "I really don't wanna talk right now."

The door came open regardless. Daria was surprised to see not Helen, but Quinn.

"Hey, Daria" said Quinn with obvious concern in her voice.

Daria said "Quinn, when I said I didn't wanna talk I meant I didn't wanna talk with anyone."

Sitting on the bed, Quinn patiently said "Humor me, sis."

Daria sighed. "Well, I guess it's easier with you than it would be with Mom."

Nodding, Quinn said "That's why I insisted on being the one to come up here and talk with you. Remember when I told you how Mom and Dad freaked when they found out I posed nude for one of Jane's paintings?"

Daria nodded.

Quinn continued "Now, it's my turn to offer some sage like advice."

Daria raised an eyebrow as the irony of this moment was not lost on her. "You know, Quinn, I always figured you'd be the one in this situation, not me."

Quinn said "Daria, you said I needed to remind our parents that I'm a grown woman and what I did was my decision."

"Quinn," Daria replied, "Posing nude for Jane and Dad walking in on Link and I having sex are two totally different things."

"Not really," said Quinn, "Both situations are extremely awkward and embarrassing. Not only that, but I have been in your situation. Mom once accidently saw me having sex with Jim. I talked to her and we soon realized that what upset her was seeing irrefutable proof that I'm not a little girls anymore. Mom felt like she'd failed me by not being there when I was a kid due to her work schedule."

"As opposed to Dad," said Daria, "Who had no idea how to be a good parent so he just hung back and followed Mom's lead."

Quinn said "Daria, you need to talk to Dad about this. You need to get him to see that what happened isn't a reflection on him, just an awkward situation that he needs to get over."

"We tried that, Quinn," said Daria, "and he refused to listen. In fact, he ran off because he can't handle it. I could try again, but I don't think Dad can even look at me without being reminded of what he saw."

Quinn had a look of sudden realization on her face. "He needs to get over this in order to even be comfortable around you!"

Daria nodded. "I can't help him get over this, he needs to already be over it in order to even be capable of a rational discussion with me."

Quinn grinned as she got an idea.

* * *

**The Liquid Dinner, later...**

Jake was alone at the bar drinking a martini.

 _I can't do this_ he thought. _I just can't handle the fact that they aren't my little girls anymore._ It was then that a familiar voice interrupted his self-pity session.

"Dad?"

Jake turned around to see Quinn standing right behind him. Without preamble she sat on the next barstool.

"What'll it be, miss?" asked the bartender.

"A cosmopolitan" said Quinn.

As the bartender made Quinn's drink, Jake said "You drink!?"

"Dad," said Quinn, "I'm 27. I've been able to drink for a while now."

Jake frowned. At this point, the bartender gave Quinn her drink.

After taking a sip, Quinn said "Dad, what you saw was awkward and disturbing, no question, but it's something totally normal. You need to get over the shock."

"You don't understand," said Jake, "I know you and Daria are both grown women now, but every time I look at you I still see the bouncy little girl with pig tails that you were twenty years ago."

Nodding in understanding, Quinn said "And you still see Daria as the quiet little girl making mental notes of the world around her."

"I did," said Jake, "Until that night. Now I can't look at Daria without seeing... _shudder_...that."

Quinn said "Dad, you need to ignore that and focus on the whole package."

"Why?" asked Jake, "Why couldn't you both just stay the innocent little angels that you were?"

"Because time goes on," said Quinn, "We couldn't stay like that forever, no one can. Dad, we both need you. We always will. We don't need you for everything, but Daria and I will never stop needing you for anything. What Daria needs is for her father to stop feeling awkward around her."

Jake said "I don't think I can do that."

Quinn said "You need to try. After all, you got over the idea of me posing nude for a painting and Mom got over seeing me with Jim. You need to get over this, we all need you to get over this."

"Why?" Jake asked again.

"Because you're our father," said Quinn, "and just because Daria and I are adults now doesn't mean you're not our father anymore. Dad, I know you can get over this if you just try."

Jake thought it over. _She'd right! Yes, what I saw made me incredibly uncomfortable but it's not the first time I've found myself in an awkward situation as a parent and it won't be the last either. Daria's not a little girl anymore, but she's still my daughter. I need to accept that she's a grown woman now because that's what she needs at this point._

Jake started to smile.

"Dad?" asked Quinn.

"Thanks, sweetie" said Jake.

"For?"

"Helping me realize that I'm still needed by my little...my daughters."

Hugging her father, Quinn said "We'll always need you in our corner, Dad. That'll never change."

Jake visibly felt WAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY better.

* * *

**Morgendorffer house, evening...**

Quinn, Daria, Helen and Jake were all gathered in the living room. Jake was now calm enough to have a rational conversation.

"...so I got so worked up because I was in denial. I couldn't accept the fact that Daria's capable of taking care of herself and making her own decisions now. I'm sorry" said Jake. Turning to Helen, he added "I'm also sorry I ruined our planned weekend getaway."

Helen smiled. "I forgive you Jake. After all, I needed a hard kick in the ass to get used to our girls being grown women too."

Daria said "Though I don't think it had to be such a hard kick."

Jake said "Daria, I'm sorry I got so crazy. You're a grown woman now. I don't need to shadow your every move anymore but if you ever need me for anything I'll always be there."

Daria flashed one of those rare smiles of hers. "Thanks, Dad. Look, I'm responsible enough to do adult things and in the future I'll be more discreet about the more adult things I do."

Jake smiled. "I can live with that."

With that, he and Daria hugged. For the first time since the incident it didn't feel awkward.

Turning to her other daughter, Helen said "You know, Quinn, you didn't have to become so involved in this. You and Jim have enough to do planning your wedding."

"I know, Mom," said Quinn, "but how could I not get involved. You three are my family, the fact that I'm getting married in two months doesn't change that."

Jake's eyes went wide with shock. "You're getting married!?!"

Everyone frowned until they saw the 'gotcha' grin on Jake's face. "Had you going there, didn't I?" he said with a smirk.

Everyone broke out in laughter.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later...**

Quinn was telling Jim how everything went down.

"...so now life's more or less back to normal."

Jim said "And it only took a whole weekend of drama and misunderstanding."

"Tell me about it," said Quinn, "At least Dad's no longer being over-protective of Daria. He finally realized that she's old enough to take care of herself and make her own decisions."

"Seems like things are mostly resolved" said Jim.

Raising an eyebrow, Quinn asked "What do you mean 'mostly'?"

Jim said "Isn't there still the issue of your parent's romantic weekend being ruined?"

"I took care of that too," said Quinn, "Since LeGrande was one of Morgendorffer Consulting's clients I was able to pull some strings and get Mom and Dad's invitations re-instated for next weekend."

"You think Daria and Link will try to take advantage then?" Jim wondered out loud.

"I doubt it," said Quinn, "I don't think Daria's gonna bring her boyfriend around the house for a while after what happened."

* * *

 **Morgendorffer house, Friday night...**  
 **Music:** "Dangerous But Worth The Risk" by Ratt

Daria was in her room...and she wasn't alone.

"Ugh...Daria...so...sexy..."

Link...yes...oh...oh...OH...OHGODYES...AHHHHHHH..."

**End Episode.**


	12. Helen's Odyssey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Increasingly disillusioned with her job, Helen reflects on her life and how she lost sight of her original goals.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and Link on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Helen's Odyssey"**   
**Story by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**ActI**   
**Law Offices of Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordin, Schrecter, Schrecter, Schrecter and Morgendorffer...**

Helen was seated at her desk and looked miserable. She's alone with her thoughts..

_How did I get to this? My lifelong dream of making partner has turned into a nightmare._

She then shook her head.

_It wasn't my lifelong dream. I became a lawyer because I wanted to champion justice._

She thought back to the day she and Jake left the commune. They wanted to change the world but now, thirty-seven years later, she's haunted by the words of her friend, Sunflower...

"You won't change the system, it'll change you."

Helen now knows that Sunflower was right. Her self-reflection wass interrupted by the sound of her intercom going off. Helen pressed the talk button.

"Yes?"

Over the intercom Marianne said "Helen, someone wants to see you."

Helen rolled her eyes.

"Tell them they need to make an appointment."

Without pause Marianne said "It's Mary Bailey."

Helen's eyes went wide.

"As in chairwoman of the Maryland Bar Association!?!"

"Yes."

Helen knew this was serious.

"Send her in."

A moment later the woman entered. Mary Bailey was a sixty-something woman in a business suit whose gray hair is in a bun that, combined with the business suit, gave her a stately bearing. Helen walked up to her and shook her hand.

"Mrs. Bailey, how are you? Please, have a seat."

Mary said "Thank you, Helen. And please, call me Mary."

Mary sat in front of Helen's desk while Helen took her seat behind it.

"What can I do for you, Mary?"

Without preamble, Mary said "Helen, I understand that since you made partner you've been trying to institute positive changes at this firm."

Helen said "Yes."

Mary asked "Off the record, how's that going?"

Helen frowned.

"Not so well, I'm afraid. A culture of loose ethics and sexism is so deeply entrenched here that change is impossible."

Mary explained "I'll get right to the point, Helen. One of my colleagues is retiring from the bar. I want to bring in people who will tenaciously enforce ethics. Based on your professional record you are just the person to do that."

Helen's jaw dropped.

"Are...Are you offering me a job?"

Mary nodded.

* * *

**Morgendorffer House, that evening...**

Jake, Helen and Daria were seated at the kitchen table. Quinn and Jim were visiting and had decided to stay for dinner. Quinn was talking about her and Jim's upcoming wedding.

"...so we decided for a honeymoon we'd go to Italy. A romantic getaway in the land of Jim's ancestor's."

Nodding, Jim said "I couldn't agree more."

Quinn asked her parents "What do you guys think?"

Jake said "Sounds fun. After all, Helen and I didn't even get to take a honeymoon."

Helen said nothing but looked like she was a million miles away, which everyone noticed. Concerned, Quinn asked "Mom, are you okay?"

Helen came out of her thoughts.

"Oh...Um..I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?"

Worried, Quinn said "I asked if you were okay. Is something wrong?"

Nervous, Helen said "No. Why would you think something's wrong?"

Daria chimed in with "Because the last time you were this detached from a dinner conversation was when you were still doing ninety-hour workweeks at the firm."

Helen said nothing but sighed. Quinn eyed her mother with suspicion.

* * *

**The Morgendorffer dinning room, some time later...**

Helen was going over legal briefs. She is deep in thought.

_We're defending an investment bank that's being sued for mismanaging funds and raiding it's employees pension fund to pay for private jets for it's executives. Fortunately, I've found a loophole that ensures we win that case._

Helen frowned.

_God, what have I become?_

It was at that moment that Quinn entered.

"Mom?"

Helen looked up and saw her daughter.

"Yes, Quinn?"

Quinn sat down next to Helen.

"Mom, something's on your mind. I can tell."

Helen said "I'm feeling dissatisfied with my job again."

Quinn said "I figured it was something like that."

Helen said "I remember why I wanted to practice law in the beginning. I wanted to help change the world for the better by helping the little guy. Instead, I'm helping corporations screw the little guy over."

Quinn said "Mom, it can't be that bad."

"Our latest case," said Helen, "If we win a lot of people will lose their jobs and their life savings."

Quinn said "Okay, it is that bad. Remember that conversation we had last year, when we were trying to get Grandma Emma to accept the fact that she was broke?"

Helen nodded.

Quinn went on. "I said that if you were so unhappy you should consider an opportunity to leave."

Now, Helen looked thoughtful.

* * *

**Oakland, CA 1974...**

Jake and Helen were sitting in a small, sparsely furnished apartment. They still look like they do in most flashbacks to their hippie days. Helen asked Jake "How was work today, Jake?"

Jake said "Terrible. Working as a gopher for a marketing manager at a radio station isn't what I had in mind for post college life."

Helen sighed.

"Jake, you're not thinking long term. By learning how business works now you're placing yourself in a position to change it as you move up."

Jake looked thoughtful.

"You know, Helen, you're right. At least we haven't sold out. I wish I could do a better job keeping my eyes on the prize. But enough about me. How was your day?"

Helen said "I got the results of my LSAT today. I passed. In fact, I scored higher than anyone else."

Jake's eyes lit up as he said "Wonderful. Now you can go to law school, become a lawyer and really shake up the system."

Helen looked doubtful.

"Actually, Jake, that'll have to wait until we've saved enough money to pay for it."

Jake frowned.

"It would've been free eight years ago."

He angrily shook his fist.

"Damn you, Governor Reagan!"

Helen agreed. "If it were up to that facist women would never leave the kitchen and black people would be back on the plantations."

Jake said "Damn straight!"

Helen said "It doesn't change the fact that we need a way to pay for law school."

"How?" asked Jake, "We barely make enough to get by as it is."

Helen said "I've figured that if I put a little money from each paycheck aside then by this time next year we can afford it."

Jake said "Great thinking, Helen."

They kissed.

**Morgendorffer house, 2010...**

Helen was telling Quinn the story. She said "It didn't work out that way, though."

Quinn asked "How come?"

* * *

 **Williamsburg, VA January, 1975...**  
 **Music:** "Get Down Tonight" by KC And The Sunshine Band  
 _Doin' a little dance_  
 _Makin' a little love_  
 _Get down tonight_  
 _Get down tonight_

It's the wedding of Rita Barksdale and Bruce Chambers. The reception was at the ballroom of an exclusive country club. There's a DJ, the dance floor has multi-colored lights that change in time with the music and there's a huge disco ball hanging from the ceiling. Everyone was dancing and having a wonderful time, except Helen. She and Jake were sitting at a table. Jake was nervous while Helen was furious. Helen's anger is due mostly to the gaudy, outrageously expensive wedding that she knew Rita didn't pay a penny for.

Grunting, Helen said "So, Rita gets spoiled again. This wedding definitely cost my parents a fortune."

At this point they were approached by Helen's parents, Emma and Richard. Richard immediately noticed that his daughter was upset.

"What's the matter, cupcake?"

Smiling, Helen said "Oh, nothing Daddy. Just wondering how much this wedding cost, that's all."

Emma glared at her daughter and Jake with very obvious contempt. "Still living in sin, I see."

Richard tried to defuse the situation.

"Now, Emma..."

Emma cut her husband off.

"I'm only saying that if they want to live together they should get married. It's the proper thing to do."

Richard said "But, Emma..."

The death glare from his wife immediately shut Richard up. This conversation plus the wedding has now awoken Helen's competitive instincts.

"For your information, Mother," she said, the word mother sounding especially harsh, "Jake and I are getting married."

Jake had a surprised look on his face while Emma clearly wasn't buying it.

"When?" Emma asked in an accusing tone.

Unwilling to give an inch, Helen said "June."

Emma asked "Jake, is this true?"

Helen kicked Jake under the table. Jake's reaction...

"Er...It sure is."

Emma chose to believe them.

"Humph, Very well!"

Richard shook Jake's hand.

"Congratulations, Jake."

Nervous, Jake said "Uh, Thanks."

With that, Richard and Emma walked away. Once they're gone, Jake turned to Helen.

"Helen, I thought we'd agreed that marriage is a pointless institution that perpetuates the patriarchy?"

Crossing her arms, Helen said "I've changed my mind."

Jake gulped.

**Morgendorffer house, 2010...**

Helen was telling the story to Quinn. She said "That's how it went down. Not much of a proposal. When my mother refused to pay for either the wedding or the honeymoon we had to dip into my savings."

Quinn asked "How did you pay for law school?"

Helen said "I took out a student loan."

* * *

**Act II**  
 **A Beach in northern California, June 26, 1975...**  
 **Music** : "More Than A Feeling" by Boston

Helen: (VO from 2010) _"Six months later, your father and I got married. It was a simple ceremony, but not without it's problems."_

A bunch of people were gathered for the makeshift ceremony. One of Helen and Jake's old commune mates, Tempest, was talking with Helen.

Helen said "Thanks for doing this, Tempest."

Tempest said "Actually, I'm going by Cheryl now. And my pleasure. We can hold true to our ideals and , since I'm now a licensed notary, it's just as legal and valid as a bourgois traditional wedding."

Jake, meanwhile was greeting guests. He is approached by his mother, Ruth, and his older sister, Eve. Eve looks like Daria, only taller and without glasses. Mad Dog is noticeably absent. Jake hugged them both.

"Mom, Eve, how are you?"

Ruth said "We're good, Jakey."

Jake noticed that Mad Dog wasn't there.

"Where's Dad?"

Ruth and Eve both looked nervous. Finally, Eve said "Um...Well...You see..."

Ruth finished for her daughter. "You're father couldn't come. He said the dog needs it's nails clipped."

Unconvincing, Eve added "He wished you a happy wedding, though."

Jake looked like he was just punched in the gut. "Fine!" he bitterly uttered before shuffling off.

Once he was gone, Eve asked "Mom, I know Dad holds a grudge, but isn't this extreme?"

Ruth explained "It's better if Jake doesn't know the real reason your father didn't want to be here."

"He still hates Helen for turning Jake into a hippie, doesn't he?" Eve asked matter-of-factly.

Ruth nodded. "He does. You should've heard some of the vile things he called Helen when he found out they were getting married."

Meanwhile, Emma and Richard have overheard this conversation. Emma was particularly offended.

"That psychopath wouldn't even come to his own son's wedding!?! How incredibly rude!"

Richard tried to calm his wife down.

"Now, Emma..."

"How dare that man snub the house of Barksdale!"

**Morgendorffer house, 2010...**

Helen continued to tell Quinn the story.

"Your father and grandfather never got a chance to make up. Less than two months later Grandpa Adam died of a sudden heart attack."

Quinn looked saddened by this.

"He sounds like Jim's father."

Helen said "Jake's father and Tony are mirror reflections of each other."

"Tell me about it" Quinn commented.

* * *

**Oakland California, 1978...**

Helen and Jake were arguing. Helen said "Jake, I'm fresh out of law school with a huge debt to pay. I have to take this job."

Jake whined "But, Helen, I don't wanna move to Texas. I just got promoted at the radio station."

Helen barked "Dammit, Jake, this is my opportunity. Once I pay back those student loans we'll finally be in a position to make a positive impact on the world."

Jake exclaimed "IN TEXAS!?!"

"Jake, we need to do this" said Helen.

"No, Helen, you do!" Jake barked.

Helen looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Jake, wh...what are you saying?"

Jake said "I'm saying that I'm not moving to Highland, Texas. You wanna go to a backwards hick town you're going without me!"

Angry, Helen said "FINE!"

She walked away from Jake in a huff.

Helen: (VO from 2010) _"The next few weeks were awkward as we both refused to give an inch. I moved to Highland while your father stayed in California. We were only seperated for a week, though."_

* * *

 **Highland, TX 1978...**  
 **Music:** "Big Shot" by Billy Joel

Helen was driving home from work. She's deep in thought.

_I miss Jake. Why can't he understand what an important opportunity this is for me?_

Helen frowned.

_Then again, was it fair to ask him to put his life on hold just so I can pay off my student loans?_

Helen pulled into the parking lot of her apartment complex. She was surprised to find Jake sitting on a curb waiting for her. She parked her car and walked toward him.

"Jake, what are you doing here?"

Jake said "I missed you, Helen. After you left, I did some serious thinking. I realized that I was starting to turn into one of the fat cats we're rebelling against. At least you're trying to make a change in the world."

"Yeah," said a doubtful sounding Helen, "although I'm not having an impact."

Jake said "Well, I decided to ask myself what's more important, my career or you. I decided the answer is you. I'm sorry, Helen, and I love you."

Tears of joy formed on Helen's face.

"Oh, Jakey!"

They hugged.

**Morgendorffer house, Lawndale, 2010...**

Helen was still telling the story to Quinn.

"So, your father and I made up."

Smiling, Quinn said "Mom, that's so sweet."

Helen sighed and looked sad.

"It turned out to be the beginning of the end for both of our ideals, though. Over the next five years, your father and I sold out even more and more. Eventually, I became a workoholic while your father, after years of bouncing from one job to another, finally took one he couldn't stand just for the money. Finally, your father and I just stopped caring, but by then it was the eighties so no one really noticed."

* * *

 **Highland, TX 1984...**  
 **Music:** "Eighties" by Killing Joke  
 _Eighties_  
 _I'm livin' in the eighties_

Jake and Helen, with a two year old Daria and 11 month old Quinn, were being shown a house. The realtor looked like a young Peggy Hill.

"...so, as you can see, this house is a real bargain."

Helen asked "What do you think, Jake?"

Smiling, Jake said "It's perfect."

The realtor asked "So, you'll take it?"

Helen said "Of course we will, Mrs. Hill."

Jake said "It's a lot roomier than that cramped apartment. And in a much nicer neighborhood, too."

Mrs. Hill said "Perfect for your two little bundles of joy."

Helen said "Tell me, Mrs. Hill, do you have children?"

With a sigh, Mrs. Hill said "No. My husband and I have been trying to conceive, but it's tough going." Whispering in Helen's ear, she added "He has a narrow urethra."

Helen: (VO from 2010) _"Then came that fateful November day..."_

* * *

 **Highland, TX , November, 1984...**  
 **Music:** "Born In The USA" by Bruce Springsteen

Helen and Jake were at the public library, which served as the neighborhood voting precinct. Helen and Jake each entered a booth with their ballot.

Deciding whether or not to vote for a second term for Reagan, Jake thought _Reagan's not so bad after all. He's revived the economy and for the first time since I was a small boy I actually feel proud to be an American._ With that, he voted for Reagan.

In Helen's booth, she appeared to be agonizing over the choice. She compared haow things are in 1984 compared to how they were in 1980.

_I used to think this man was a facist. Now, I'm forced to admit he was right and Jake and I were wrong._

She remembered what Reagan asked in the 1980 presidential debate...

_"Are you better off than you were four years ago?"_

Helen took a deep breath.

 _Yes_ , she thought, _Yes, we are._

With that, she voted for Reagan.

Helen: (VO from 2010) _"That was the final nail in the coffin of our old hippie beliefs."_

* * *

**Act III**   
**Morgendorffer House, Lawndale, 2010...**

Helen was continuing to tell the story to Quinn.

"By the mid-eighties your father and I hadn't just turned our backs on our old idealism. We were now actively opposing all of the things we used to stand for."

Quinn said "That's kind of sad, but it also makes perfect sense. You didn't have time to save the world. At first it was because you were having trouble getting your feet in the door, then because you had two kids to raise."

Shamefaced, Helen admitted "We also quickly grew accustomed to the yuppie lifestyle. We wanted to both take care of you and Daria while becoming richer. We didn't care about others anymore."

"Mom, that can't possibly be true" said Quinn.

Helen said "We wanted the best for you and Daria but it took us twenty years to finally wake up to the fact that Highland wasn't a good place to raise a family. I just wish your father and I had noticed it sooner."

"Considering how hard you and Dad were working it would've been easy to overlook."

Helen explained "At least we eventually saw what that place was doing to you and your sister. I started sending my resume to as many law firms as possible in the hopes of getting as far away from Highland as possible. Meanwhile, your father made plans to finally quit his job and go into business for himself."

* * *

 **Highland, TX 1997...**  
 **Music:** "Monkey Wrench" by The Foo Fighters  
 _Don't wanna be your monkey wrench_  
 _One more indecent accident_

Jake and Helen were at the kitchen table. Jake waited nervously while Helen talked on the phone.

"I've got the job!...Thank you, Mr. Schrecter...I can start September 14...Looking forward to it...Bye!"

Helen hung up and turned to Jake with a huge smile on her face.

"I got the job!"

Jake said "Helen, that's wonderful. Where are we gonna live?"

Helen said "While I was in Lawndale for the interview I did some house hunting."

She showed Jake a photo.

"I really like this red brick one."

Jake's eyes went wide.

"That's not a house, it's a mansion!"

Helen said "And with what this new job pays I can afford it while you start up your consulting business."

Jake leapt out of his chair with joy.

"Finally! I'm finally free of that mini-Mussolini. Morgendorfer Consulting, here I come!"

Helen called out "DARIA! QUINN! COULD YOU COME TO THE KITCHEN, PLEASE?"

Daria and Quinn entered. Jake said "Girls, your mother and I have some exciting news!"

Daria deadpanned "You're replacing us with robo-kids."

Rolling her eyes, Helen said "No. We're moving to Maryland next month."

Quinn's jaw dropped.

"Maryland! What's there?"

Helen said "I've taken a job at a law firm in a town just outside of Baltimore. the town's called Lawndale."

"I've seen pictures," Jake added, "Lawndale's a much nicer town than Highland. And it's only one hour's drive from the ocean."

Quinn salivated at the prospect of summers at the beach.

"I need to update my swimwear."

She scampered to her room.

* * *

**Morgendorffer House, Lawndale, 2010...**

Quinn giggled at the memory.

"I can't believe bikini's were what was on my mind when I found out we were moving to the East Coast."

Helen couldn't help laughing herself.

"It was somewhat amusing."

Quinn now turned serious. "Mom," she asked, "Why this trip down memory road?"

Helen said "I guess I just felt like confessing my sins."

Quinn gave her mother a curious look.

Helen said "Do you know who Mary Bailey is?"

Quinn shook her head "No."

Helen explained "She's the chairwoman of the New Jersey Bar Association. She came into my office today."

Worried, Quinn asked "Are you in some kind of trouble?"

Helen said "She offered me a job."

Quinn's eyes went wide.

"Are you gonna take it?"

Helen said "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

Helen explained "On the one hand, I'd be in a position to make a difference. On the other hand, I've been in corporate law for so long I don't know if I could just walk away from that. I've turned into the kind of lawyer I swore I'd never become. I just came here and worked myself sick trying to make partner while your father tried to get his consulting business off the ground. In the end, I had to threaten a gender discrimination suit to make partner." Bitterly, she added "At least your father had a chance to see his dreams come true."

Putting a reassuring hand on her mother's shoulder, Quinn said "Now, so do you."

Helen gave Quinn a curious look. Quinn explained "Look, Mom, you just told me how you turned your back on the reason you went into law in the first place. This is your chance to make it right. I know how unhappy you are at the firm. As a member of the bar you'd be in a position to change how lawyers operate for the better. You wanted to make a difference, now you have the chance."

Helen smiled.

"I always thought Daria would be the one to give me this pep talk."

Quinn said "I remember you once told me that Daria and I are more alike than people think. This is just one of those moments that proves that."

Helen smiled proudly at her daughter.

* * *

**Law Offices of Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordin, Schrecter, Schrecter, Schrecter and Morgendorffer, a few days later...**

Helen was in Eric's office handing him a letter. Eric asked "What's this?"

Helen said "It's my letter of resignation. I've handed one to each of the other partners too."

Eric's eyes went wide.

"RESIGNATION!?!"

Helen said "Yes, I'm selling my share of the partnership."

"You can't retire now!" Eric exclaimed with shock, "You're only 59!"

Helen said "I'm not retiring."

Eric said "Then what are you gonna do? Lawyer's in your blood."

Helen said "I'm going to continue to be a lawyer."

Eric glared menacingly at Helen.

"And I'm going to sue you for breach of contract! Remember the non-competition clause?"

Helen said "That won't be an issue."

Eric threatened "THE HELL IT WON'T!!! I'LL SUE YOU INTO BANKRUPTCY AND THE FIRM YOUR LEAVING US FOR WILL LOSE EVERYTHING WHEN I REPORT THEM TO THE BAR!!!"

Holding her ground, Helen explained "I'm not joining another firm. I'm joining the Maryland Bar Association. Hence, no competition."

Eric's eyes went wide and his jaw dropped.

"B...Bar Association?"

Helen said "Yes," she handed him a second letter, adding "...and this is Maryanne's resignation. She's coming with me."

Eric was now struggling to contain his rage. He wanted to lay into Helen, which she noticed.

"Eric, I've given this a lot of thought," said Helen, "I'm going to be on the state bar association, and that's final. So you and the other partners would do well to keep on my good side."

 **Music:** "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" by Tears For Fears

_Live for freedom and for pleasure_

_Nothing ever lasts forever_

_Everybody wants to rule the world_

Helen turned around and walked away. She had a triumphant smirk while Eric looked like he was just stabbed in the heart.

**End Episode.**


	13. Boxing Quinn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now it's Quinn's turn to have a soul-searching encounter with a refrigerator box.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and Link on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Boxing Quinn"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**Highland, TX, 1988...**

It was late at night and five year old Quinn Morgendorffer was laying awake in her bed looking terrified. The source of her distress was the sound of her parents yelling in another room.

"WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I'M AT MY WITS' END!"

"DAMMIT, HELEN, THAT'S IT! I GO IN THERE EVERY DAY TO FACE A PSYCHOTIC BOSS, A JOB THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A FREAKIN' SLAVE, THEN I HAVE TO COME HOME AND DEAL WITH THIS!?! HOW MUCH AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE!?"

"JAKE, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU! IT'S ABOUT HER, HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE FITTING IN!"

"SHE DOESN'T WANNA FIT IN, DAMN IT! WHY CAN'T YOU ADMIT THAT!?!"

"JAKE, SHE'S A CHILD! SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!"

"THAT'S WHAT SHE WANT'S YOU TO BELIEVE!"

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?"

Quinn then heard the door slam hard. This was followed by the sound of a car starting up and speeding away. Too young to truly understand what was going on, the little girl drew her own conclusion.

_Mommy and Daddy are mad because no one likes Daria! I need everyone to like me so Mommy and Daddy won't be mad anymore!_

* * *

**Lawndale, MD, 2010....**

In the kitchen of their house a now 27 year old Quinn was watching her fiance, Jim Carbone, finish installing a new refrigerator.

"Annnnnd...viola! We now have a new fridge!" Jim said proudly.

Smiling, Quinn said "Thanks for setting it up, Jim. I may not be a ditzy airhead anymore, but I'm still pretty useless when it comes to installing major appliances."

Smiling back, Jim said "That's what you have us guys for."

They both briefly laughed at the joke. After this, Jim pointed to the now empty box that the refrigerator came in. "I think I'll keep this in the garage," he said, "Never know when a spare box might come in handy."

Quinn said nothing, but stared at the box as if entranced.

**Tom Landry Elementary School, Highland, 1988...**

Five year old Quinn was at recess playing with the other kindergarteners. One, a brunette name Tina, pointed toward a group of first graders and said "Check it out".

Six year old Daria was sitting on a bench trying to read The Sun Also Rises while the other first graders were taunting her.

"Why are you reading a book at recess?"

"I like to read" Daria said plainly.

"Weirdo" one of the other kids taunted.

"Freakazoid" taunted another.

Meanwhile, the kindergartners were watching with great interest.

Smirking, Tina said "Let's play with them."

Quinn looked nervous as the others in her group made their way to the kids taunting Daria.

"Come on, Quinn," Tina said in a tone similar to the one Sandi Griffin would use a decade later whenever she wanted the others to do her bidding.

Quinn joined her friends as they joined the first graders in taunting Daria.

"Weirdo" one first grader taunted as Daria continued to ignore them.

Wanting the older kids to think she's cool Tina immediately pointed at Daria and said "Bookworm freak".

As the first graders nodded approvingly another kindergartner pointed at Daria and said "Four-eyes!"

Tina said "Come on, Quinn, she's weird."

Quinn was nervous and doubtful until...

"Aren't you cool?" Tina asked in a threatening tone.

Giving in to the pressure, Quinn immediately pointed at her sister and said "Brain!"

Daria stopped reading. "Excuse me!"

Now feeling bad, Quinn said "Sorry". When the other kids looked at Quinn disapprovingly, she immediately backpedaled. "Sorry you're such a loser. I don't get why Mom and Dad keep you around."

In an accusing tone, one of the first graders asked "Is she your sister?"

Thinking fast, Quinn said "She's adopted".

Daria looked hurt.

**Quinn and Jim's house, 2010...**

The memory caused Quinn to feel an overwhelming sense of guilt.

* * *

**Pizza Prince, the next day...**

Quinn, Nicole and Stacy were seated around a table having lunch and catching up.

"Sorry Sandi couldn't make it," Quinn said, "but she wanted to surprise Tom at his office."

Nicole said "It's okay, Quinn."

Stacy agreed. "So, Quinn, how have you been?"

Quinn said "The weirdest thing happened to me yesterday. Our old refrigerator broke so Jim bought a new one."

"What's weird about that?" Nicole asked.

Quinn said "I took one look at the box and remembered something from when I was really little."

Raising an eyebrow, Stacy said "An empty refrigerator box reminded you of your childhood?"

Quinn explained "See, back then Daria and I had an empty refrigerator box in our room that we used to play house in. Then one night Mom and Dad had a huge fight because Daria was having trouble making friends at school. She got so freaked that she hid in the box for the rest of the night. The next day at school I joined the other kids in picking on her during recess." Quinn's tone grew more remorseful as she said "I...I just wanted them to like me. I didn't wanna be mean to my sister. I was just afraid no one would like me if I was nice to Daria. I...I..." A tear started to roll down Quinn's cheek.

"Quinn?" said a concerned Stacy.

"You okay?" asked Nicole.

Quinn suddenly lept out of her seat and ran to the restroom, struggling not to cry the whole time. Once she was gone Stacy and Nicole exchanged worried looks.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later...**

Quinn was alone in the garage staring at the empty refrigerator box.

_What are you trying to tell me?_

It was at this point that another memory came forth and swallowed Quinn whole.

**Highland, 1988...**

The entire family was at the kitchen table having dinner. Jake was ranting about his job. Helen and the girls frowned as this was a nightly occurrence at that time.

"...and he threatened to fire me and black ball me so hard that I wouldn't even be able to get a job flipping burgers because I had to take off early yesterday." Turning to Daria, Jake added "I hope you're proud of yourself, Daria. You almost cost me my job!"

"JAKE!" Helen barked, "That's not her fault. Your boss is the one who's an unreasonable psycho."

Jake's anger shifted from his daughter to his employer. "Hey, you're right!" He angrily shook his fist. "Damn mini-Mussolini, he's just like my father." His anger rose as he looked at the floor and shook his fist again. "BURN IN HELL, MAD DOG, YOU GODDAMN, MOTHERF..."

"JAKE!" Helen snapped once again.

Coming out of his rant, Jake said "Sorry".

Wanting to get on to a more pleasant topic, Helen asked "Girls, how was school today?"

Daria opened her mouth to speak, but before a single word came out...

"It was great!" Quinn beamed happily. "I made friends with some first graders at recess today. They said I was cool!"

Daria said "They didn't think you were cool, Quinn, they just said that because they liked watching you and your friends pick on me."

Helen became angry while Jake tried to tune everyone out.

"Quinn, how could..." Suddenly, the phone rang. Helen immediately got up and answered. "Hello...Oh, Hi Mr. Baylor....WHAT!?! I thought that case was settled...No, I can be there right away." Helen immediately hung up. "I have to run, emergency at work." Without another word, Helen left.

Paying attention for the first time, Jake asked "What's going on?"

Quinn said "I was telling Mommy how I made some new friends at school today."

Jake smiled. "That's wonderful, sweetie!" Turning to Daria, he asked "Why can't you make friends, Daria?"

"Dad," said Daria, "Those kids only liked Quinn when she started picking on me."

Quinn angrily spat "Because you're a brain!"

"You're a brat!" Daria shot back.

"Don't call your sister a brat!" Jake snapped at Daria.

Before the conversation could continue the phone rang again. "We'll discuss this in a minute" Jake growled as he answered. "Hello?" His face turned white as a sheet. "Mr. Mortoni!" Jake grew more frightened as his boss barked at him over the phone. "But...but..." Jake stopped talking as his boss angrily continued to bark at him over the line. Jake soon looked horrified. "No, I...I understand." With a sound of defeat in his voice, Jake said "I can be there in twenty minutes." He then hung up. "Dammit! Now I have to go to the office and do an all nighter!"

Without another word, Jake angrily stormed off. Once he was gone, Quinn looked at Daria. "This is your fault!"

"Hey!" said Daria, "It's not my fault Mom and Dad both have bosses who wanna monopolize all of their time!"

Quinn, being five, didn't understand a word her sister just said. "Brain!"

"Brat!" Daria angrily fired back.

"I WISH YOU WEREN'T BORN, YOU...YOU...WEIRDO!" Quinn shouted before storming off to her room.

**Quinn and Jim's garage, 2010...**

Quinn recoiled from the memory.

_It wasn't Daria's fault Mom and Dad had to leave us alone all night, but I blamed her for it anyway._

Quinn frowned as an overwhelming feeling of guilt washed over her.

* * *

**Evening...**

Quinn and Jim were both in bed preparing to call it a night. Quinn just sat up in bed looking miserable, which Jim noticed.

"Quinn, what's wrong?"

"Nothing" Quinn said with a sigh.

Not buying it, Jim said "Quinn, you spent all afternoon staring at an empty refrigerator box in the garage and all evening looking like you were a million miles away. No way you'd be acting like that if something wasn't seriously bothering you."

"Jim," said Quinn, "Am I a terrible person?"

Jim was shocked. "What!? No! Quinn, why would you even think that?"

"Because I am," said Quinn, "That box has been bringing back some memories. When I was five Mom and Dad got into a huge fight because Daria wasn't fitting in at school. I started being mean to her after that because I wanted the other kids to like me. I told everyone at school she was adopted. When we moved here I told everyone I was an only child. I started shunning my sister when I was in knidergarten and didn't stop until my junior year of high school."

Jim said "But you and Daria get along great now. Besides, my brother started shunning me when I was too young to remember and didn't stop until he was in college and I don't hold a grudge against him for that."

Quinn said "I know Daria's forgiven me. It doesn't change the fact that the way I treated her when we were kids was wrong."

Jim said "Quinn, it's obvious that Daria's over that. Besides, you did those things because you didn't know any better. Then you grew up and realized it was wrong and stopped doing it. If you were a bad person you'd still be treating your sister like crap and stringing boys along for popularity points."

Quinn said nothing but sighed. None of what Jim said made her feel better. She decided not to burden him further with any of this, though. "You're right, Jim," she said in her most convincing happy voice, "I shouldn't get so worked up over something that's long since been water under the bridge."

Believing his fiance's act, Jim said "That's okay. Truth is, the fact that this bothers you proves that you're a good person."

Quinn smiled. "Thanks, Jim."

"Well, goodnight" said Jim as he turned off the light.

**Later...**

Jim was sound asleep while Quinn sat awake. Finally, she got up from bed and left the room.

**The garage, a minute later...**

Quinn continued to stare obsessively at the box.

* * *

**Act II**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, morning...**

In the garage a visibly sleep deprived Quinn was continuing to stare at the empty refrigerator box. She'd just spent all night doing that in a desperate attempt to figure it out and she was determined to solve the mystery despite being so mentally exhausted that she was struggling to stay awake. She knew that the box was reminding her of the aftermath of her parents' fight about Daria 22 years earlier. What she didn't understand was why she was having vivid memories of something that traumatized her sister, not her.

 _Why can't I stop thinking about that time_ she thought. _What are you trying to tell me?_

"That you're an irredeemable piece of shit" said the box.

Quinn gasped in shock. "You spoke!?!"

"Actually," said the box, "This is just a day dream brought on by sleep deprivation and a guilty conscience, and no, you aren't going insane, you just need some sleep but since your subconscious is speaking to you through a hallucination we might as well have a conversation."

Quinn's mouth hung open as she tried to grasp the surreal moment.

Sighing, the box said "Just go with it. We'll save a lot of time that way."

Too tired to argue, Quinn nodded.

The box said "Quinn, I'm trying to remind you of just how selfish and horrible you are."

Quinn was offended for a half-second before she said "Look, I admit the way I treated Daria when we were kids was wrong, but we've gotten past that."

"Then why are you constantly apologizing to her?" asked the box, "If you've atoned for your sins then why are you always rushing to her side when she has a problem?"

"Because she needs me" Quinn insisted.

The box said "No, it's because you can't accept the fact that the way you treated her before is utterly unforgiveable. You constantly stole attention that Daria needed and shunned her the whole time you were kids. And why did you do this? Because you wanted to accepted by your peers. There was another group like that, they were called Nazi's."

Quinn stood there in shock as the box went on.

"Quinn, your actions convinced Daria that she had no value. For comfort and support she had to turn to a weird artist who's even more screwed up than she is because you made sure she'd never get it from her own family. She can't form healthy relationships with people. Your sister isn't even employable despite having a PhD. Daria's life is endless, inescapable misery because you've damaged her so badly."

Quinn's lip began to tremble.

"You know it's true," the box taunted, "and Daria's far from the only person you've ruined. Let's talk about Joey, Jeffy and Jamie. You strung all three of them along for four years and look what happened. Jamie joined the Army and got his legs blown off in Iraq. It's your fault he's spent the past year learning how to walk on prosthetics. You drove Jeffy so insane that he stalked you, attacked you, shot Jim and then killed himself. He died, Jim almost died and it was all because of you, Quinn. Their blood is forever on your hands. I don't know about Joey, but I'm sure you messed him up as well. You are irredeemable, self-serving scum, Quinn Louise Morgendorffer. You deserve to burn in Hell for what you did! IT'S WHAT YOU ARE, BITCH!!!!!"

Horrified, Quinn ran away from the box as fast as she could.

* * *

 **Nicole and Jamie's house, later that same morning...**  
 **Music:** "Cry For Help" by Shinedown  
 _You better pray that there's another way out_  
 _You better pray that someone's listening now_  
 _When you dance with the devil in Hell_  
 _No angel's gonna hear your cry for help_

Quinn was frantically ringing the doorbell of the small one story house that Nicole and Jamie call home. Finally, Nicole answered.

"Quinn, this is unexpected" Nicole said with a smile.

Frantic, Quinn asked "Is Jamie home?"

The urgency in her best friend's voice caused Nicole to immediately grow concerned. "Sorry," she said, "but he has classes all morning today and a support group meeting this afternoon." Seeing the look of both fear and disappointment on Quinn's face, Nicole asked "What's wrong?"

**The kitchen, a short time later...**

Quinn and Nicole were seated at the kitchen table having a conversation. Nicole couldn't believe what Quinn just told her.

"Let me get this straight," said Nicole, "You had a dream where a refrigerator box told you it's your fault my husband lost his legs and came here to beg him for forgiveness?"

Nodding, Quinn said "I know it sounds crazy."

Shrugging, Nicole said "How long have you known me? I don't mind a little crazy in my life." After a brief pause she went on. "What I can't understand is why you suddenly blame yourself for something a jihadist with an RPG did."

Quinn explained "It's my fault Jamie joined the Army and was in that position in the first place."

"Did you force him to enlist" said Nicole. It was more of a statement than a question.

"No," said Quinn, "but my stringing him along in high school is probably what drove him to it. How do I know he didn't enlist to either forget me or impress me by fighting in a war?"

Shaking her head, Nicole proceeded to give Quinn a reality check. "Quinn," she said, "Jamie joined the Army out of a patriotic desire to avenge 9/11. His decision had nothing to do with you. Jamie and I can't forgive you because there's nothing to forgive. You've never done wrong by either of us."

Hanging her head in shame, Quinn said "I led Jamie on all through high school."

"One," said Nicole, "None of us is the same person now that we were back then. Two, you were just acting the way you thought you were supposed to if I recall all the stories correctly. We've all been there. Three, you went to senior prom with Jamie and kissed him twice that night, which was the farthest any guy had gotten with you up to that point in time. Quinn, you were just being a typical teenager."

Despite hearing this, Quinn still felt guilty. "Your husband's still damaged. I kind of feel bad for both of you because of that."

"Because you actually care" said Nicole, "which proves that you're a good person. Besides, Jamie's gotten over his mental issues in therapy, is back in college studying to be a history teacher and walks so well on his prosthetics that in long pants you can't even tell that he doesn't have legs."

Quinn said nothing but looked thoughtful.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, afternoon...**

Quinn was once again standing alone in the garage talking to the box, only this time she didn't imagine that the box was talking back.

"What are you trying to tell me?" she asked, "I know I strung guys along in high school and shunned my sister for the sake of popularity. I now know it was wrong, that's why I stopped doing that. What more is there to figure out?"

It was at this point that Quinn experienced another flashback to her childhood.

**The old house in Highland, 1988...**

Five year old Quinn was angrily pacing around in her room.

_Stupid, mean Daria! I got other kids to like me and you ruined it. You made Mommy and Daddy so mad that they ran off! Why do you have to ruin everything?_

At this point, six year old Daria came in.

"Quinn, it's not our fault Mom and Dad took off. Both of their bosses are forcing them to work all night."

Quinn was too young to understand and too angry to listen to reason.

"Go away, Daria!"

"Quinn," said Daria, "You don't have to be mean to me to get the other kids to like you. You were making friends easily without doing that before."

"Dah-aria," Quinn whined, "No one likes you! That's why Mommy and Daddy are so mad all the time!"

Rolling her eyes, Daria said "Quinn, you know that's not true."

"It is too true" Quinn insisted, "Just go away."

"But Quinn..."

Quinn angrily shoved Daria out the door and slammed it shut in her sisters face.

**Quinn and Jim's garage, 2010...**

Remembering the incident Quinn felt another overwhelming pang of guilt.

_Daria, I'm so sorry! I just wanted the other kids to like me. If I could do it all again I wouldn't have been so mean to you._

Quinn started to cry. She didn't notice Jim now standing in the doorway looking very concerned.

"Um, Quinn?"

Quinn was too lost in her own guilt to even hear him.

* * *

**The living room, sometime later...**

Quinn and Jim were seated on the sofa having a conversation.

"Quinn" he said, "I saw you staring at that box all day. You were talking to yourself and then started crying. What's wrong?"

Quinn said "Jim, that box is trying to tell me something."

Jim said "Quinn, it's just a box."

"You don't understand," said Quinn, "When Daria and I were really little we used to have a box like that in our room. I overheard my parents fighting about Daria one night and saw her hide in the box."

Jim patiently said "Quinn, it's not good for you to get so upset over something that happened twenty years ago."

Trying not to lose her cool, Quinn said "Jim, that fight was the reason I started shunning Daria and became a popularity obsessed diva. I wanted to be liked by everyone because I thought Mom and Dad were mad at Daria for not being like that."

"Quinn," said Jim, "You were just a kid. You grew out of it."

"But what about all the damage I did before I grew out of it?" Quinn frantically asked.

"What damage?" said Jim, "Daria's fine, so's everyone else you had significant interaction with."

"Jeffy wasn't," said Quinn, "He went insane and shot you right before killing himself."

Jim said "I seem to recall that bullet being meant for you. Quinn, I took a bullet for you because I love you and I wouldn't hesitate to do so again for the same reason. You can't go blaming yourself for every bad thing that happens to the people you know."

Quinn sighed. She knew Jim was right, but still couldn't quite bring herself to believe it. "Jim," she said, "I feel like there's something more to this but I can't figure it out."

Jim put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Quinn, you're smart. You'll figure it out. In the meantime I think you should take a break form these self-reflection sessions. Maybe it'll be more clear to you if you give your mind a chance to recharge."

Quinn smiled. "You're right, Jim." She then looked at her watch. "Besides, it's getting late and it's my turn to make dinner tonight."

"Need a hand?" Jim asked.

"No, thanks," said Quinn, "Doing it myself will help me de-stress."

"Okay" said Jim as he got up and walked toward the garage.

"Where are you going?" asked Quinn.

Jim said "I need to get something out of the garage and..um...deliver it to Jamie. I should be back by dinner."

Too mentally exhausted to suspect anything, Quinn smiled as she said "Okay. Have fun."

**The garage, a few seconds later...**

Jim took a switchblade off of his work bench and turned toward the box.

_I feel like shit going behind her back, but I need to do this for the sake of Quinn's mental health._

He clicked out the blade and proceeded to carve up the box.

* * *

**The kitchen, after dinner...**

Quinn and Jim had just finished putting the last of the dishes in the dishwasher. Taking off her gloves, Quinn said "Well, I'm off to have another session with the box."

Nervous, Jim said "Um...Quinn, about that.."

Quinn cut him off. "Don't worry, I won't take too long."

"But, Quinn..."

Before he could get another word out she was out of the kitchen. Jim silently debated whether or not to go after her until....

"AHHHHH!!! JIM!"

 _Crap_ Jim thought as he ran to the garage.

**The garage, a second later...**

Jim came in to see his fiance totally freaking out.

"Jim," said a frantic Quinn, "The box...IT'S GONE!!!"

Sheepish, Jim said "That's what I just tried to tell you. While you were making dinner I carved up the box, put it in my car and took it to the garbage dump."

Quinn's eyes went wide. "WHAT!?! WHY!?!"

Patient, Jim explained "Because this is getting out of hand. Quinn, you're starting to get obsessed with that thing so I decided the best thing would be to just get rid of it."

Quinn angrily got in his face.

"HOW COULD YOU!?! HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!?!"

Jim said "Quinn, it's for your own good. You were starting to lose it."

Quinn's expression was one of pure, unrestrained rage. "You bastard" she said, "YOU FUCKING, SELFISH BASTARD!" She then slapped Jim so hard that he nearly fell to the floor.

Facing Quinn, Jim barked "This is exactly what I'm talking about! You just attacked me over a goddamn cardboard box."

"You don't get it," Quinn fired back, "I NEED THAT BOX!"

"What you need," said Jim, "Is to snap out of this. Quinn, I'm worried about you."

"HORSESHIT!!!" Quinn shouted.

Concerned, Jim said "Quinn, please..."

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!"

Before Jim could say or do anything to stop her, Quinn turned around and ran into the house. Driven by concern Jim ran after her as she took her car keys and ran out the front door.

Soon, they were in the front yard. Quinn ran toward her car while Jim chased after her and begged her to stop.

"Quinn, please, just talk to me!"

Ignoring him, Quinn dove into her car, started it up and backed out of the driveway in such a frantic hurry that Jim was nearly run over.

"QUINN, WAIT!!" he called out in vain as she sped down the road. Jim stood there in horror as he watched her disappear out of sight. A second later there was a clap of thunder and it started raining.

* * *

**Act III**   
**I-95, night...**

Quinn's car was driving along in a thunderstorm. Inside, Quinn was crying as she drove through torrential rain at a speed that would be dangerous even in calm weather.

"Wh... _sniff_...Why?" she sobbed, "Why can't I f... _sob_...figure th...this...out... _choke_...WHY!?!"

The rain was coming down so heavily that Quinn couldn't see anything in front of her.

"I...I j... _sob_...I JUST WANNA MAKE UP FOR WHAT I DID!!!!"

Quinn was in such an emotional state that she pressed the accelerator all the way to the floor. Since her car was an Impala V8 and the highway was slick this caused the car to fishtail and run onto the median.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

In a panic Quinn tried to steer back onto the pavement, but the car was so out of control that it defied all of her efforts. She was too freaked out to realize that she was still flooring it. The car skidded across the opposite side of the highway until it was broadsided by oncoming traffic. An SUV crashed into Quinn's car with such force that it caved in the passenger side and caused the car to roll over multiple times before finally coming to a rest in the ditch by the side of the road. Thanks to the seatbelt and airbag, Quinn was bruised up and hyperventilating but otherwise fine. The SUV, meanwhile, had come to a stop and the driver, a bald man in his fifties, ran over to Quinn's car. Thankfully, it had come to a rest on it's wheels. Quinn just sat there looking totally freaked until she heard the man knock on her window.

"Hey, miss, you okay?"

That snapped Quinn out of her shock.

"Y...Yes."

She unfastened her belt, opened the door and stumbled out, taking her purse with her.

"You need a doctor or something?" the guy asked.

Regaining her composure, Quinn said "No, thanks. I'm just really shaken up." She then looked at her car. The passenger side was completely caved in. It was just pure luck that Quinn's only injuries were some minor bruises. Sighing, she pulled her cell phone out of her purse.

"Jim, listen, I was in a car accident." After listening to a frantic Jim on the phone, she said "I'm fine, honey, but the car isn't. Listen, I'm on I-95 by the Middlebury exit." She waited a moment. "There's a diner called 'Mom's', you can't miss it."

* * *

**Mom's Diner, later...**

Quinn sat alone in a booth drinking a coffee with brandy in an effort to simultaneously increase her sharpness and calm her nerves. Having walked in a downpour her hair was a mess and her makeup had all run off, but she was too mentally exhausted to care. Suddenly, she heard the door open. Quinn was shocked to find not Jim, but Daria. The redhead immediately ran to her sister and hugged her.

"Daria, I'm so sorry!"

Daria said nothing but returned her sister's hug.

**Later...**

Daria was explaining to Quinn why she was there instead of Jim.

"...so when he showed up at the house looking for you Jim explained the situation with the box. That's when you called on his cell. I insisted that he bring me along, he's outside waiting in his car." When Quinn started to look put off Daria added "I insisted he wait in the car because I felt it would be better if we had a sister-to-sister chat about what's been going on first." Daria took a sip of her coffee before continuing. "So, you had your own version of the emotionally trying box encounter that I had ten years ago."

Quinn nodded. "I started remembering that fight Mom and Dad had when we were little and how it affected me. I was convinced that they were mad at you for not being popular."

"Quinn," said Daria, "Mom and Dad weren't mad at me, they were mad at themselves. They were mad because of their inability to relate to me."

"I know that now," said Quinn, "but I should've known it then."

Daria said "Quinn, you were five years old."

"And look at how I treated everyone," Quinn said in a self-recriminating tone, "I shunned you, I treated guys as disposable commodities. Daria, I'm sorry. If I could do it all again I wouldn't have been so selfish and mean."

"How many times have you said that," said Daria, "because I stopped counting quite some time ago."

Quinn sighed. "I understand. The way I treated you is unforgiveable."

"No, you don't," said Daria, "Quinn, we were just kids. Kids do things they shouldn't because they don't know any better."

"It was still wrong to treat you like crap, shun you and steal Mom and Dad's attention from you" said Quinn.

Daria said "Quinn, you were just being a normal kid. Also, I wasn't exactly sister-of-the-year material myself. Remember the time I tricked you into playing in horse manure by telling you it was reindeer bait, or the time I convinced you the whole town had been taken over by alien brain worms?"*

*( these incidents happened in Lawndale Stalker's "Tales Of Young Daria" series. The first incident happened in "Reindeer Bait", the second in "Brainworms From Outer Space")

Quinn said "What you did wasn't as bad as what I did. You didn't damage me to the point where I struggle to connect with me."

"You didn't damage me, Quinn," said Daria, "I'm just naturally wired to not want to play along with all the bullshit that comes with life. I would've had all the same struggles even if you'd been the perfect sister. It's just who I am. None of my problems are your fault."

"Then why does it always feel like they are?" asked Quinn.

Daria sighed. "Quinn, it's obvious to me what the box is trying to tell you. The problem isn't how you treated me, the problem is that while I've long since forgiven you you've yet to forgive yourself."

Quinn gasped in realization.

Daria went on. "Quinn," she said, "Yes, how you treated me while we were growing up was wrong. It was wrong but you didn't know any better. The fact that you feel bad about it shows just how far you've come along since those days. However, the fact remains that it's all in the past now and we've both changed since then. You don't have to spend the rest of your life falling on your own sword because you regret the things you did when you were younger."

Quinn looked thoughtful for a second. "So, what are you saying?"

Daria said "I'm saying you've already atoned for your past misdeeds. Your karmic debt was fully repaid a long time ago. It's now high time to let go and live the best life you possibly can."

Quinn thought it over. _She's right! I mistreated her but I don't have to constantly go out of my way to make it up to her. I'm not irredeemable because I've actually long since redeemed myself. Daria's forgiven me for making her life hell, Jamie's forgiven me for stringing him along in high school. Jeffy I can't do anything about, though I would if I could, and Joey's so over it that he actually dated Sandi for a while. Everyone else has moved on so the best thing would be for me to move on as well. Everyone else has forgiven me and I know how to be a good person now. All that's left to do is finally forgive myself._ Quinn took a deep breath before resuming her train of thought. _Quinn Louise Morgendorffer, all is forgiven._

After she thought those words Quinn felt as if a crushing weight had finally been lifted off her shoulders. Then she heard the box's voice in her head.

_Glad you finally figured it out, Quinn. I knew you would._

Quinn smiled. "Daria," she said, "Thanks."

Smiling back, Daria said "You're welcome, Quinn. Also, I want you to know I wouldn't trade you for any other sister ever. I'm actually lucky to have you in my life."

Quinn's smile widened as she said "I feel the same way about you, Daria."

With that, the two sisters leaned over the table and hugged.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, later...**

After dropping off Daria at Haus Morgendorffer Quinn and Jim returned home. They proceeded to have a conversation in the living room.

"Quinn," said Jim, "I'm sorry I went and got rid of the box behind your back."

Quinn said "That's okay, Jim. In your situation I would've done the same thing because I have to admit I was going a little crazy there."

Jim said "I'm still sorry."

"Don't be," said Quinn, "You're forgiven. Besides, you thought you were doing the right thing." She looked at Jim and could see that he still felt bad about it. "You know how you can make it up to me," said Quinn, "By not spending the next decade punishing yourself for it."

Smiling, Jim said "I think I can do that."

Quinn said "You know, now that I have this weight off of me I realize my life's been pretty damn good so far. I'm a lucky woman."

"I'm the lucky one," said Jim, "I'm a geek engaged to the popular girl."

"A cute geek engaged to the popular girl," said Quinn, "and that's what I've secretly always wanted. After all, I once crushed on a tutor who didn't even have good looks going for him. I feel like I won the lottery snagging you." Quinn then decided to get back on topic. "My point is now I wanna do something not to make up for anything but simply because I feel a lot of people could benefit."

"What's that?" asked Jim.

Quinn said "Lawndale High's freshman tours are coming up. It's when they show the school to eighth graders who'll be coming in next year. I can pull some strings to get booked as a speaker at this as an alumnus."

Jim said "If that's what you want then I say go for it."

"It is," said Quinn, "I want to share what I've learned so the kids have a chance to avoid making the same mistakes I did."

Jim smiled. "I love you, Quinn."

"I love you too, Jim."

They kissed.

* * *

**Lawndale High, a week later...**

A bunch of eighth graders were gathered in the auditorium as Quinn was making a speech.

"...and when I finally admitted that she was my sister it turned out everyone already knew. It wasn't a big deal to them. Even if it was it doesn't matter. She's still my sister and anyone who holds that against me doesn't deserve my friendship in the first place. The point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't let the pressure to be a certain way control you. You don't have to change because who you are is already good enough and you should never let anyone convince you otherwise because they're wrong. I guess the best advice I can give is just be yourself. If you're a popular person then great. If you're a geek that's okay. Finally, if your popular don't lord it over the geeks. If you're unpopular remember that it's only four short years and your life's only gonna get better after that. Basically, high school's just a brief moment in life. Who you were during that time won't even matter after that, so just be the best person you can be."

The whole crowd gave Quinn a standing ovation.

Quinn smiled. _This is what I was meant to do, help people be the best person they can be._ Her smile took on a self-satisfied quality so similar to Daria's half-grin that no one who knew them could fail to notice.

**The End.**


	14. Is It Over Yet, Pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Quinn and Jim's wedding approaches friends and family converge on Lawndale. Let the dysfunction begin!

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and Link on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Is It Over Yet?, Part I"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Pizza Prince, evening...**

Quinn and Nicole were having pizza and catching up. Nicole said "Thanks for taking me out for pizza. What's the occasion?"

Quinn said "I just wanted some one on one girl time with someone other than Daria, Stacy or Sandi for a change. What have you been up to lately?"

Nicole said "Well, I'm thinking of going into graphic design. Maybe start my own business. After all, that's what I originally wanted to do. I took that assistant job at FeistyIT in order to have a safety net for that originally."

Quinn asked "What happened?"

Nicole said "Five months turned into five years so fast that I didn't notice, that's what happened."

"I'm sorry, Nicole" said Quinn.

Shrugging it off, Nicole said "Don't be. I'm the one who took her eye off the ball." A second later, she added "Before you ask, no, I'm not quitting my job at Feisty. I just wanna get the ball rolling. I'm not gonna do graphic design full time until Jamie's finished with college and can get a good paying job that provides me with a safety net. Also, we've been talking about having kids, but we're gonna wait until we have the other stuff going before we get serious on that. Anyway, enough about me. You and Jim gonna try for kids?"

Quinn said "Not until we've been married at least a year."

"Speaking of which," said Nicole, "I can't believe you and Jim are getting married in just a few short weeks. Thanks again for making me your matron of honor, by the way."

"You're welcome," said Quinn, "And don't start feeling bad that I didn't get to be a bridesmaid at your wedding. I understand why you and Jamie eloped. You were pressed for time."

"Speaking of family," said Nicole, "how's Daria?"

Smiling, Quinn said "She's good. She and Link are starting to get pretty serious." Quinn decided not to mention her father accidentally walking in on Daria and Link having sex.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Das Morgendorffer Haus...**

Helen and Daria were at the kitchen table talking while Jake got ready to serve up dinner. Daria asked her mother "So, how's the new job treating you?"

Helen said "It's a bit of a pain to commute to Annapolis, but otherwise it's great. I'm finally making a difference."

Before the conversation could continue Jake came to the table with a pot full of...something.

"This new version of Kitchen Sink Stew is a vast improvement on the old batch."

Helen said "You mean the one that gave us all food poisoning?"

"That's right!" Jake beamed, "No projectile vomiting this time."

Daria deadpanned "Because there's always diarrhea."

Once Helen and Daria were served, Jake sat down. "Why aren't you digging in?" he asked.

Daria and Helen both looked at the unappetizing concoction. Daria said "Because we're not suicidal."

A little offended, Jake said "There's nothing to be afraid of. I'll go first."

He took a spoonful of the stew and promptly gagged.

* * *

 **Outside, a very short time later...**  
 **Music:** "According To You" by Orianthi

Daria was taking the offending stew to the trash can while Helen heated some lasagna and Jake was stuck in the bathroom. She had just one thought...

_I guess some things never change._

At this point she noticed someone sitting on the curb. That someone was Trent.

"Trent!? What are you doing here?"

Trent said "I need a place to crash while I'm in town."

Daria put down the trash back and sat next to Trent.

"You're early, that's a first," she said, "Quinn's wedding isn't for another couple of weeks."

Trent said "I've got a new band together. We're booked to play at the wedding."

Daria's eyes went wide.

"I really don't think a grunge band is the sort of thing Quinn's looking for."

Trent said "We gotta start somewhere."

Daria asked "What's this band called?"

Trent said "You'll find out on the day of the wedding. It's kind of a surprise."

"And why do you need to crash here?" Daria asked.

Slightly embarrassed, Trent admitted "I kinda forgot to budget for a hotel." He then sniffed the trash bag containing Jake's latest failed culinary experiment. "What's that? It smells good."

Daria rolled her eyes.

* * *

**Governor's Park Restaurant, the next evening...**

Quinn and Jim were on a double date with Daria and Link. Daria was telling them about Trent showing up unannounced the night before.

"...so in exchange for enduring Dad's God-awful stew Trent is allowed to stay in our guest room until the wedding."

Quinn said "I don't remember booking him for our wedding."

Jim sighed. Might as well tell her and get it over with. Out loud, he said "We didn't. Tom guilt tripped me into letting Trent and his new mystery band play. I agreed on the grounds that Tom foot the bill and they only play one set."

Optimistic, Link asked "They any good?"

Daria said "No. Although, to be fair it's been almost ten years since I attended one of Trent's gigs so he might have gotten better and found a less dysfunctional band in that time." A second later, she said "but I doubt it."

Link said "In any case, this sounds like just a minor hiccup. I wouldn't worry too much."

Jim sighed.

"I just hope we don't get any more surprises."

Daria deadpanned "Famous last words."

Jim gave Daria an annoyed look.

"As much as I usually go for your sense of humor I don't think that's funny. I want this to be our perfect day."

Quinn rolled her eyes. To Daria and Link, she said "You'll have to excuse Jim. The closer to the wedding we get the more uptight he gets."

At this point, Kevin walked by.

"Hey! Jim, Quinn, Daria and...um...some guy! What's up?"

"My name's Link."

"Cool!"

Rolling her eyes, Daria asked "Kevin, what are you doing here?"

Kevin said "Brit and I were supposed to have a date tonight."

"So why are you alone?" asked Quinn.

Kevin said "Daryl scheduled a last minute workout and I couldn't cancel the reservations."

Knowing not only that Brittany's having an affair with Daryl but also that Kevin doesn't suspect anything (despite his wife's utter lack of discretion) Daria said "And this doesn't upset you?"

Kevin said "Like, why would it? She's working out with Daryl. It's not like she's hooking up with another guy."

Kevin returned to his table. Once he was gone, Daria said "Please tell me I'm not the only one who sees what's really going on."

* * *

 **Morgendorffer house, a few days later...**  
 **Music:** "Can't Be Tamed" by Miley Cyrus

Daria was sitting on the living room sofa when the doorbell rang. She got up and answered the door. She's pleasantly surprised to see Jane.

"Amiga, how are you?"

"Jane!?! What are you doing here?"

Jane smiled playfully as she said "Nice to see you, too."

Daria said "I just didn't expect you here until we were closer to the wedding, that's all."

With that, Daria let Jane in and closed the door. Once inside, she asked "Where's Alan?"

Jane said "He couldn't come."

Knowing what that means, Daria asked "How long's he out of country this time?"

Jane said "Until June, which means he can't make the wedding either."

"Figures."

They both proceeded sit down on the couch. Jane said "That's one of the reasons I came down from New York early. I was going stir crazy alone in that loft."

Reading between the lines, Daria asked "What's the other reason?"

Smirking, Jane said "When I heard Trent was down here to mooch off Helen and Jake I had to see it for myself."

"He told us he's got a new band together," said Daria, "What's shocking is that they're all in Lawndale for a gig."

Raising an eyebrow, Jane said "That's fast. I didn't even know he had another band together. Where is this gig?"

Daria said "Winged Tree Country Club. They're playing at my sisters wedding."

Jane's eyes went wide with disbelief.

"Have Quinn and Jim taken complete leave of their senses?"

Daria said "Actually, Tom guilt tripped Jim into booking them, which means he used his family connections to pull rank."

Jane said "He was always an odd one, that Tom."

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, evening...**

Quinn and Jim were watching TV. On the TV screen was monsignor Martinez performing a wedding ceremony. An assassin was sneaking up behind him. The monsignor suddenly turned around and whipped out a 9mm pistol.

"Vaya con Dios."

He emptied a whole clip on the attacker. Quinn and Jim watch spellbound.

Jim said "I've said it before, I'll say it again. If priests were that badass I'd actually go to church."

At this point, the doorbell rang. Quinn asked "I wonder who that is?"

Jim said "I'll get it."

He got up and answers the door. Once it's open he saw his brother, Chris standing there. Chris looked really disheveled and had an empty whiskey bottle in one hand.

"He... _hic_...'ey bro."

Quinn asked "Who is it, honey?"

Before Jim could answer Quinn is at the door and sees Chris.

"Hi, Qu... _hic_...Qu... _urp_...Quinn."

Quinn's eyes went wide.

"Chris, you're drunk!"

* * *

**Act II**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, evening...**

Jim's brother, Chris, had just shown up. He is visibly drunk, which Quinn immediately noticed.

"Chris, you're drunk!"

Chris said "Sez... _hic_...youz... _urp_.."

Shaking his head, Jim said "Chris, you're slurring your words. Even if you didn't reek of Jack Daniel's the empty bottle in your hand is still pretty telling."

Chris said "Awright... _hic_...sos maybe I'm a lil'... _hic_...drunk."

Sighing, Quinn said "I'll make some coffee."

**A short time later...**

Chris was now sitting on the couch drinking a cup of coffee while talking to Quinn and Jim. The caffeine has gotten him to a point where he can at least speak clearly. He's telling them why he came all the way from California.

"...so after Brooke threw me out I was laid off from the agency. With no job and no home I flew to Virginia. I was planning to stay with Mom and Dad in Yorktown while I figure things out."

Quinn asked "How did you go from that to showing up here completely wasted?"

Jim said nothing but he already knew the answer.

Chris said "Mom wanted to take me in but Dad wouldn't let her. He said I'd turned into a huge disappointment. He said I was now a waste of sperm."

Jim commented "Usually I'm the one Dad calls a waste of sperm."

In a bitter tone, Chris said "He told me I'd lost my balls. He said the fact that I was even cheated on is proof I'm not a real man after all. He said if I were a real man I would've done a better job controlling my woman."

Quinn rolled her eyes. Jim said "Sounds like the old man."

Chris said "So I took a train here. On my way from the train station I stopped at 123 Liquors and got a bottle of Jack to calm myself down."

Quinn was immediately sympathetic.

"Chris, that's terrible!"

Jim said "I'm not surprised. Our father has a very toxic concept of masculinity. Growing up he hated my guts because I was never very good at sports. He shit a brick when I chose college over the Army and when Chris landed a cushy job while I changed careers I'd irredeemably damned myself in his eyes. If Chris couldn't keep Brooke in line than it's expected that Dad's opinion of him would plummet."

Chris sighed. Quinn immediately thought _Tony is so much like Mad Dog it's almost scary._

* * *

 **Winged Tree Country Club, a few days later...**  
 **Music:** "Stylo" by The Gorillaz

Tom was giving Quinn and Jim a tour of the country club's botanical garden.

"This should be the perfect place to have the ceremony."

Quinn was enamored by the immaculately maintained surroundings.

"This is perfect. How much would this normally cost?"

Jim said "Quinn, his family holds sway over this club. Don't ask him potentially offensive questions."

Tom shrugged in a reassuring manner.

"Don't worry, Jim. You know I'm not easily offended."

Jim knew it was true as he and Tom had been roommates at Bromwell.

Getting back on topic, Tom said "As for the question, Quinn, you'd have to ask my parents. They're the ones on the board that handles this type of thing. I'm just a regular club member until someone either steps down or dies." He sarcastically added "Assuming I don't bump one of them off and make it look like an accident, of course."

All three laughed at that remark.

**A short time later...**

Tom was showing them the banquet hall/ball room.

"...and this is the site of the reception. What do you think?"

Quinn said "It's perfect."

Jim said "Who'd have thought we could get all of this by fixing your father's Ferrari."

Tom joked "Beats paying the bill. Besides, you did me another personal favor by promising to let me book Trent Lane."

Quinn said "Since it's only one set I figured it's no big deal if they suck."

Jim gulped. "Um...Actually, I kind of stretched the truth with that one."

Added Tom "They're booked for the whole wedding, not just a single set."

"WHAT?!?" exclaimed Quinn.

"Um...surprise" Jim said meekly.

Quinn stared daggers at her fiance. "Jim, what if they suck!? We don't know anything about Trent's new band."

Jim turned to Tom. "They don't actually have to play multiple sets, do they?"

Tom said "Technically they do, but if they suck then I can just make them sit out after one set and pay them for the whole gig."

Jim was relieved as Quinn said "Thank God!" Continuing to calm down she added "Although Trent probably doesn't have the energy for more than one set anyway."

Neither Jim nor Tom could help laughing at that one.

After this, Quinn asked "Is there a backup plan?"

Jim and Tom both froze as neither of them had thought that far ahead.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, that evening...**

Quinn and Jim were having Stacy and Chuck over for dinner. Chris was with them in the dinning room. Jim was explaining the situation.

"...so I figured since you're an experienced DJ you could be the backup plan."

Grinning, Chuck said "You want me to save the day if the band turns out to be bad?"

Jim said "I know I'm asking a lot, but since they were booked without Quinn's knowledge I'm kind of in the hot seat."

Chuck said "Jim, I'd be happy too."

Giggling, Stacy added "That's an understatement. You're probably hoping for some time on stage."

"Guilty as charged, my ever so desirable wife" said Chuck.

Playfully mocking her husband's high school persona, Stacy said "Grrrrr...feisty!"

Seeing how happy Chuck and Stacy are caused Chris to suddenly feel uncomfortable.

"Um...I need to use the bathroom."

Pointing, Quinn said "Last door before the garage."

"Thanks."

With that, Chris got up and left. Once he was gone Stacy, having noticed something off with Chris's behavior, asked "Jim, is your brother okay?"

Jim explained "You'll have to excuse him if he seems a little depressed. His soon-to-be-ex-wife is taking him for everything in the divorce and he just lost his job."

Quinn added "And their father refuses to help them for some pretty ridiculous reasons."

Not the least bit surprised, Chuck said "From what you two have told us about him, Jim's father sounds like a real jerk."

Quinn nodded in agreement.

Jim started to remember some unpleasant childhood experiences. "You know, he once made me do two hours of PT in the back yard just because the beer I gave him was warm." His expression darkened. "Lousy, rigid, inhuman..."

In a stern tone, Quinn said "Jim, company."

This snapped Jim out of a potential Jake-like rant.

"Thanks, Quinn."

Quinn said "Besides, you had an attentive mother to cancel out the scars. My Mom was so career focused that I had to steal attention from my sister and..."

The curious looks from Chuck and Stacy snapped Quinn out of her own impending rant.

"Sorry about that."

It's obvious that Quinn and Jim are turning into Helen and Jake.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, outside...**  
 **Music:** "Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa

Nicole and Jamie were walking up to the front door. By now Jamie is walking so well on his prosthetics that the only way to tell he doesn't have legs would be to roll up his pants. Nicole rang the doorbell. A few seconds later Jim answered.

"Jamie, Nicole, how are you guys?"

Smiling, Nicole said "We're good, Jim."

Jamie said "Nicole was driving me home from my therapy session at the VA and we figured we'd stop and say hi."

Smiling, Jim asked "Have you eaten yet?"

Nicole said "Actually, I have a confession. See, well..."

Jamie finished for his wife. "We know it's Sunday night and we were both craving your famous Sunday Gravy."

"It's my grandmother's Neapolitan Ragu, actually," Jim proudly corrected, "But we have plenty. Come on in."

**The dinning room, a few minutes later...**

Nicole and Jamie have now joined them for dinner. They had just been told about how Jim recruited Chuck as a back up DJ in case Trent's new band sucks.

"Smart move," said Nicole, "As cool as Trent is, he's definitely not very good with commitment."

"Speaking of which," said Quinn, "Jim's brother is here."

Nicole asked "What do you mean 'speaking of which'?"

Jim explained "My brother's wife has been cheating on him the whole time they were married. He's going through a pretty messy divorce right now as a result."

Added Stacy "He's been sulking by himself ever since we got here. In fact, he's alone in the bathroom right now." At this point, she looked at her watch. "Come to think of it, he's been in there awhile."

Jim looked at his watch.

"I'd better check on him."

He's about to get up from his seat when Jamie stopped him.

"I'll do it. Besides, I could use a trip to the bathroom myself."

With that, he got up and made his way to the bathroom.

* * *

**The downstairs bathroom, a minute later...**

Chris was looking at himself in the mirror and is deep in thought.

_Happy now, Dad? I was a varsity athlete, went to Penn State on a football scholarship, got a job as a casting agent in Hollywood and married a blonde hottie. A blonde hottie who was sleeping with half the town. I lost my job, my house and my pride. At least Jim, the one you thought would never amount to anything, has a YouTube career. He's also engaged to the perfect woman. I thought Brooke was the perfect woman but it turns out she's a two-faced slut who's taken everything from me._

With that, Chris took a swig of whiskey. He then gave himself a brief glance in the mirror before taking another huge swig. After that, there was a knock on the door. Chris panicked as he was trying to hide the fact that he's been drinking heavily in order to deal.

"JUST A MINUD...I MEAN MINUTE!!"

He immediately hid the bottle in a drawer under the sink. In his haste he forgot to close it all the way. He then opened the door as it hadn't occurred to him to simply talk through the door.

"Um...Who are you?" Chris asked upon seeing Jamie.

"Jamie White. I'm a friend of your brother and Quinn."

"So," said Chris, "You're my replacement as best man."

A little put off by the confrontational tone, Jamie said "Jim told me you turned down the job when he offered." Remembering that's the truth, Chris calmed down. Forgetting that Jamie already knows who he is, Chris extended his hand in greeting and said "Chris Carbone, I'm Jim's brother."

Shaking his hand and slightly bemused by the absent mindedness, Jamie said "I know. We just talked about that a second ago." At this point, Jamie noticed that Chris's eyes were a little red and the both his breath and the bathroom smelled like bourbon. "It's none of my business, but have you been drinking in here?"

Nervous, Chris said "Wha...Um...No."

Jamie knew Chris was lying.

* * *

**Act III**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, evening...**

Jamie has just met Chris Carbone (and caught him drinking). He said "Chris, you have been drinking, I can tell."

Nervous, Chris said "No, I haven't."

At this point, Jamie spotted the partially open drawer. He immediately opened it and pulled out the whiskey bottle.

"Explain this."

Looking like a deer caught in the headlights, Chris said "I didn't know that was there."

Jamie immediately gave him a "who are you kidding" look. Chris sighed.

"Okay, not that it's any of your business, but yes I was in here drinking."

Using the self-discipline he'd learned in the Army to keep calm, Jamie said "You know, there's no need to get confrontational. I just asked you a simple question. For the record, though, it's pretty obvious. You're absent minded beyond the point of believability and even if I hadn't found the bottle your eyes are bloodshot and even at a distance I can smell the Jack on your breath. Look, man, if you need to talk..."

Chris cut Jamie off with a curt "No."

Rolling his eyes, Jamie said "I'm going to assume your hostile tone's just the booze talking."

Calming down, Chris said "With all due respect, blondie boy, I really don't think you can understand what I'm going through."

Trying not to laugh, Jamie said "Try me."

Chris explained "I was never a very heavy drinker. That is, until recently." After a brief pause, he said "I'm going through a rough divorce, I lost my job and my father forbids the family to help me. I've been drinking to deal."

"Makes sense" said Jamie.

Rolling his eyes, Chris defensively said "While we're on the subject, why the hell are you so interested?"

Ignoring the flippant tone, Jamie said "Because I...Let's just say I've struggled with my own demons. Makes it pretty easy to spot in other people."

Chris angrily asked "Do you even know what it's like to have your whole life ripped away from you? Do you know how painful loss is!? DO YOU!?!"

Remaining calm, Jamie said "Actually..." He raised his right pants leg, showing Chris the titanium shin on his prosthetic. "...I do. Both my legs are prosthetics. My real legs were blown off in Iraq."

Chris now felt bad for giving Jamie such a hard time.

"Sorry."

Jamie said "Look, I was really messed up for a while because of what I experienced over there. At one point I was in such a bad way that I tried to eat my own gun." He took a deep breath to calm himself before continuing. "I guess the reason I'm so interested in your struggle is that I've been there too. Look, drinking yourself into oblivion isn't gonna solve anything."

Chris said nothing but looked thoughtful.

* * *

 **The Bridal Shop, a week later...**  
 **Music:** "Like A G6"

Quinn, Daria, Jane, Stacy, Sandi and Nicole were at the shop. Quinn was watching as the other girls were being fitted in their bridesmaids dresses. The dresses are like the ones in "I Don't" except that they're pink instead of blus and Daria's actually fits. The seamstress, who's the same one from "I Don't" was fitting Daria.

"Well, you've certainly filled out since age sixteen, haven't you?"

Daria glared menacingly at the seamstress. The seamstress noticed this.

"Take a compliment, will ya."

Daria rolled her eyes at that one. She then turned to Jane.

"At least this time you're sharing in the experience."

Jane said "Actually, I'm suffering the humiliation. I was paired with Chris. Hardly ideal given what a booze soaked train wreck he's been since his almost ex-wife started taking him to the cleaners."

Daria smirked.

"Fair's fair. At Erin's wedding I was paired with a guy who's screwed up even by Lane standards."

Jane couldn't help smirking as she had to admit that was funny because it's true.

Meanwhile, Quinn was talking with Nicole and Sandi. Nicole was telling them about Chris and Jamie.

"...so Jamie gave him our number in case he wants to talk."

"Um...Isn't talking about personal issues with an acquaintance more our thing? They're guys."

Rolling her eyes, Nicole said "Jeez, Sandi, what year do you think it is? 1958?"

Quinn began to fear that a cat fight was eminent. "Um...guys?"

"It's alright, Quinn," said Sandi, "I'm just saying it's unusual for guys to be like that."

Nicole said "Jamie felt the same way, but therapy's changed his thinking on that. It seems to have awakened this need by Jamie to impart wisdom on others. That's why he's majoring in history with a minor in education."

Having overheard this, Jane chimed in with "So, he's gonna be the next DeMartino?"

"Who?" asked Nicole.

Quinn explained "He was our history teacher in high school. A pretty intense guy."

Joining in, Daria said "If by intense you mean borderline psychotic."

"To be fair," said Jane, "Trying to teach someone like Kevin would drive even Dr. Phil insane."

They all laughed at that one.

Changing the subject, Quinn turned to Sandi and asked "Speaking of relationships, how are things with Tom?"

Beaming, Sandi said "Wonderful! Tom's nice, he's smart and we totally get each other. Also, he's super cute."

"And super rich" Daria deadpanned.

"Definitely a bonus," said Sandi, "But I want him, not his money." A second later, Sandi admitted "Okay, I want his money too, but we click so well that I'd still be with him even if he was poor. The fact that he's rich is really just a bonus."

"How do his parent's feel about you being a stripper?" Jane asked sardonically.

"They don't know," said Sandi, "Tom and I are keeping that on the low for now. Once we know this relationship is destined to last we'll tell them."

"Truth is," said Daria, "They'd probably come around once the initial shock wears off, but you'd both have to take some crap in the meantime."

Smiling, Sandi said "That's why Tom and I won't tell them until we're sure our relationship can weather that storm, and right now is too soon to know that."

At that moment, Stacy emerged from a fitting room.

"Quinn, these dresses are beautiful!"

With a smile of approval, Sandi said "I see that your unerring color sense remains intact."

Quinn smiled at the praise.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Better Days Nursing Home...**

Helen and Rita were visiting their mother, Emma. This day happened Emma's clear days (remember, she has Alzheimer's). Helen asked "So, do you think you'll be able to make Quinn's wedding?"

"Don't pressure her, Helen" said Rita.

As Helen stared daggers at Rita for that Emma said "Don't worry, I'll do my best to be there. I wouldn't miss it for the world. The nurses say I've been clear lately."

Rita agreed. "She has" she said to Helen, "except for a few episodes of mistaken identity."

Emma said "Now, Rita, you'll be there to make sure I don't make a fool of myself."

"Of course, Mom," said Rita, "Better than Helen or Amy, anyway."

Smiling, Emma said "You always were my favorite, Rita."

"Thanks, Mom."

Helen bitterly said "Mother, I'm right here."

Emma said "I'm sorry, Amy, I forgot. You were always the quiet one."

Helen said "I'm Helen."

Emma looked angry. She reached for her cane. Helen flinched in anticipation of the inevitable until...

"Why am I reaching for my cane?"

Rita said "Because.." A piercing glance from Helen immediately caused Rita to backpedal. "...I honestly don't know."

With a shrug, Emma said "Oh, well. It'll come back to me."

Helen had a smug grin. One upside to Emma having Alzheimer's is that her cane smacking has been severely reduced in frequency.

* * *

**Morgendorffer House, that evening...**

Jake, Helen, Daria, Jane and Trent were at the kitchen table having dinner. Trent said "This is really good."

Jane said "It's the same lasagna they always have when one of Jake's experiments goes awry."

Jake took slight offense. "Hey!"

Trent said "It's still pretty good."

At this point the doorbell rang. Jake said "I'll get it."

He went to the front door and opened it. Standing there was a woman who has gray hair and is almost Jake's height. Other than that, she looked like Daria without glasses.

"Eve! How are you?" said Jake.

Jake and the woman, Eve, hugged.

"I'm good, little brother."

Jake lead Eve to the kitchen.

"You already know Helen and Daria. Let me introduce our other guests, Jane and her brother Trent. This is my sister, Eve."

Jane said "Nice to meet you."

Trent said "Likewise."

Eve gave them both a disapproving look. Turning to Jake, she said "Still hanging around with hippies, I see."

Jake said "Now, Eve.."

Eve interrupted him. "All I'm saying is that you never did keep proper company."

Daria, Jane and Helen stared daggers at Eve while Trent remained oblivious as always. Jake immediately tried to change the subject.

"How's Mom?"

Eve said "She won't be able to make the wedding. Ever since that stroke she's been slipping."

"At least she has a legit reason," Jake bitterly replied, "Not like Mad Dog, blowing off my wedding to clip the dogs nails."

Eve said "Jake, I wish you wouldn't talk about Daddy like that. He was only doing what he felt was right."

Jake angrily said "I guess that's why he threw me in military school."

Eve retorted "Because he wanted to make you into a real man. War is an essential right of passage for men."

Helen tried to ease the tension.

"Now, Eve, that's not how Jake and I view the world."

Eve bitterly said "A lot of people just don't get it. That's why I never married, a severe shortage of men in our generation. At least George W. Bush had America kicking ass again. But now that communist n@#%&^$ Obama is letting the flower children take over again."

With that, she went to get her luggage. Jake said "I need a martini."

"Make it a double" said Helen.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Quinn and Jim's house...**

Quinn, Jim and Chris were having dinner. Chris said "Quinn, this is really good."

Quinn smiled.

"Thanks, Chris."

Jim said "So, you looking forward to being a groomsman?"

Chris said "Of course, bro."

Grateful that he was sober this time, Quinn asked "Are you sure you don't mind house sitting for us during our honeymoon?"

Chris said "No trouble at all. After all, you're letting me stay rent free."

"Don't be ridiculous, Chris," said Jim, "I wouldn't dream of charging you rent. Only a real disgrazia would do that to their own brother."

Smiling, Quinn added "Yeah, you're family. You're always welcome here."

At that moment, the doorbell rang. Jim said "I'll get it."

He went to the front door and opened it. Jim's face turned pale at the sight of his and Chris's father, Tony.

"Dad!?! What are you doing here?"

Tony said "I'm here for your wedding. You gonna let me in, or do I have to kick your ass first."

Jim had an immediate feeling of impending doom.

**To Be Continued...**


	15. Is It Over Yet, Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quinn and Jim's respective bachelorette and bachelor parties get way wilder than expected.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and Link on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Is It Over Yet?, Part II"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, evening...**

Quinn, Jim and his brother, Chris were at the kitchen table having dinner. Tony, Jim and Chris's father, was with them because he just showed up and forced Jim to let him in. Tense doesn't even begin to describe how Jim and Chris are feeling. Tony immediately spat out his food.

"What the hell is this crap!? In 'Nam I ate rat shit that tasted better than this."

Visibly offended, Quinn said "That's my shrimp scampi."

Tony barked "It tastes like dog shit!" Turning to Jim, he added "See, this is what happens when you let your woman have her way. A lousy dinner."

Wanting to change the subject, Jim asked "So, Dad, what made you change your mind about coming to the wedding?"

Tony said "I figured Chris would come here so I showed up to apologize for the tongue lashing I gave him when he showed up at our place."

Chris was genuinely surprised as it's entirely against Tony's nature to ever admit being wrong.

"I thought I'd lost your respect because Brooke's taking me for everything in the divorce!"

Tony said "You did, but you're still my son." Pointing to Jim, he added "Also, you're still more of a man than this pussy ass sack of shit. Anyway, I figured since I'm here I might as well come to the wedding after all."

Quinn sarcastically added "How considerate."

Pointing his fork in Quinn's general direction, Tony barked "Don't sass me, woman!"

Before Jim could say or do anything Quinn immediately fired back with "Excuse me, you're in mine and Jim's house! You could at least try to be polite."

Tony turned to Jim. "Dammit, Jim, you need to do a better job controlling her! Now tell your woman to shut her goddamn mouth and learn her fuckin' place!"

Nervous, Jim said "Dad, Quinn and I are equal partners in both life and business. We treat each other accordingly."

"A bigger pile of anti-American communist hippie crap I've never heard" Tony growled.

Chris immediately said "Why Mom continues to put up with you I'll never understand."

Not liking the insinuation, Tony barked "Don't give me any lip, Chris! I'm a real man, a war hero! I killed a hundred gooks when I was in Vietnam!"

Quinn, Jim and Chris all frowned.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's bedroom, later that evening...**

Quinn and Jim were sitting up in bed talking about the latest development. Quinn said "I can't believe he just barged in here and invited himself over for the next two weeks."

Jim said "I can't believe he changed his mind about attending the wedding. Especially since it's no secret that my father hates you."

"That's why I'm worried," said Quinn, "What if he's up to something?"

"I doubt that," replied Jim, "Everything's been set in motion and the weddings as good as done at this point. The only way to stop it now is for us to back out and my father knows that's not gonna happen."

Quinn said "I just know he's going to ruin the wedding."

Trying to be optimistic, Jim said "Maybe Dad'll behave himself...for once."

Quinn said "I'm not holding my breath on that one. He's up to something, I feel it in my gut."

Sighing, Jim said "I've got that feeling, too. I just can't figure out what his possible endgame is."

"If he's up to something than what are we gonna do?" Quinn asked.

Jim thought it over for a moment. "We let it play out. If he's up to no good then chances are my mother knows nothing about it. Once Dad tips his hand we call Mom and tell her what's going on. She's the one person I know who's capable of keeping him in check. Once she learns that Dad's pulling something she'll put a stop to it real quick."

Quinn said "So, we just keep our eyes peeled for now?"

Jim nodded. Quinn looked thoughtful.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's garage, the next day...**

Jim was checking under the hood of Tony's 1969 GTO Judge. Everything checks out.

"There you go, Dad. The oil's good, the steering and brake fluids are top notch and the transmission's fine."

Tony said "At least you're good for something."

At this point they're approached by Kevin.

"Hey, Jim." He noticed Tony's car. "Is that a '69 GTO!? Cool!"

Jim said "Yep, fully restored." He then proceeded to introduce Tony and Kevin to each other. "Dad, this is Kevin Thompson. He lives next door. Kevin, this is my father, Tony Carbone."

As Kevin and Tony shook hands, Tony said "Nice to meet you, Mr. Thompson."

Kevin said "Call me Kevin, Mr. Carbone."

Tony barked "And call me Sergeant Major, Kevin! That was my rank until those pencil necked pinko bureaucrats forced me to retire early!"

Kevin said "Sergeant Major, cool!"

"Yep," Tony bragged, "Used to be in the Army. Killed me a hundred gooks over in "Nam."

Kevin said "Cool!"

Tony said "You think that's cool, get a look at this."

Tony rolled up his sleeve and showed Kevin the tattoo on his bicep. It's a dagger with two M-16's across it. Under that is a ribbon that says "Ranger". Above it is the motto "Rangers Lead The Way".

Kevin admiringly said "You used to be an Army Ranger! That's really cool, Sergeant Major."

Rolling his sleeve down, Tony asked "What's your story, Kevin?"

Kevin bragged "In high school I was the QB."

"No kidding," said Tony, "My other son, Chris, was the quarterback in both high school and college. Won back to back state championships."

"Awesome!" said Kevin. "Did he go pro?"

Tony shook his head.

"Nah, just got a cushy job as a casting agent in Hollywood and married a blonde hottie. Then he managed to f#%$ that up."

"I never went pro either," Kevin admitted, "I had to repeat my senior year of high school because my grades sucked."

"WHAT!?" Tony barked, "Since when do athletes get shit on like that!?"

Kevin said "I know, dude."

They exchanged smiles while Jim looked absolutely livid.

* * *

**McGrundy's Pub, a few nights later...**

A taxi pulled up in front of the pub. Quinn, Daria and Jane stepped out.

A little confused, Quinn said "Okay, after Tony drags Jim and his friends to Baltimore for the evening you two show up and beg me to come with you to McGrundy's. What gives?"

Smirking, Jane said "You'll see."

Quinn noticed that Daria had her famous half-smile.

 **Inside, a minute later...**  
 **Music:** "I Like It" by Enrique Iglesias

They entered the bar and found that Stacy, Sandi and Nicole are there. Also present are Lindy and her girlfriend, Allison, as well as Tiffany, Tori Jerhico, Erin Chambers and a few other people that we don't know and will never see again so I won't even bother with a description.

"SURPRISE!!" they all shouted in unison.

Walking up to Quinn, Nicole said "Quinn, welcome to your bachelorette party."

Quinn now had a huge smile on her face as she joined all her friends and acquaintances, both old and new.

"How did you guys put this together?"

Jane said "I called in a few favors. Benefits of having a musician brother."

"Do I get a preview of this new mystery band Trent has?" asked Quinn.

"Unlikely," said Lindy, "He's been really tight lipped about this new band he's got."

Allison said "He says we'll find out at the wedding."

Sandi approached Quinn and said "I booked some entertainment for later. He calls himself The Sexy Stud."

"A male stripper?" said Quinn, "Nice."

"Is he cute?" asked Stacy.

Sandi reassured them.

"I've seen pictures on his website. He's an absolute stud." A minute later, she added "Although he was dressed like it's still the seventies, but I figure since his clothes aren't gonna stay on for long we can overlook the fashion don't."

Tori Jerhico then told the bartender "Drinks for everyone."

They are all served drinks. Even Lindy.

I shouldn't, but it's a once in a lifetime party, so what the hell.

She immediately downs her Bourbon on the rocks. All the other girls do the same.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at a hotel in Baltimore...**

Jim, Tony, Link, Jamie, Chuck, Chris and Kevin were standing in the lobby. Jamie looked disappointed. "Tony," he said, "This is where you wanted to go instead of Cafe Risque?"

Tony said "Hells yeah! This is way better than a regular strip joint."

Chuck noticed that all of the women were in either their late teens or twenties and very scantily clad.

"Ohhh, I like! Grrrrroooowww!"

Kevin looked at one of the girls. She walked right up to him.

"Hey, stud."

As she practically grinds Kevin, he said "Hey, babe. What's up?"

The woman, a blond with fake boobs and a strapless dress so tight it's a miracle it doesn't fall off, said "Nothing much, sexy. What's your name?"

Visibly turned on, Kevin said "Kevin, I used to be the QB."

"Ohhh, Quarterbacks get me soooooo wet" the woman said in a sultry tone.

Chris, looking very apprehensive, said "Kevin, you're married."

"X-nay, dude!" said Kevin, "She, like doesn't need to know that."

The woman said "I don't care. I'll do things to you your wife never would."

Kevin did a fist pump. "AWRIGHT!"

Link was the first to figure out what this 'hotel' actually was. Turning to Chuck, he asked "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Chuck said "Yes, and if I wasn't married I'd be all over these feisty ladies. Grrrrooowwwww!"

Jamie was the next one to figure out that this hotel is just a front. "Dude, no way! I am NOT cheating on Nicole!"

Apprehensive as it started to dawn on him as well, Jim asked "Dad, what kind of hotel is this?"

Tony said "Isn't it obvious? I'm buying all youse guys hookers."

Jim, Chris, Chuck, Jamie and Link all gasped in shock. Kevin, on the other hand...

"WHOA!!! Like, thanks, Sergeant Major."

* * *

**Act II**   
**A hotel/brothel in downtown Baltimore, evening...**

Everyone was shocked that Tony had just brought them to a brothel for Jim's bachelor party instead of a strip club. Jamie said to Jim "The original plan was to have this party at Cafe Risque, but your father insisted on this place."

Added Link "Though he neglected to mention that this is a cathouse disguised as a hotel."

"Yeah," Chuck apologetically chimed in, "we didn't know this place was a house of ill repute."

Patting Jim on the back, Tony said "Go on, kid. Pick yourself out a live one!"

At this point, Jim was approached by a brunette in a tight black tube dress that showed ample cleavage and had a hem so high that any movement of her legs shows her thong panties. She proceeded to shamelessly grind on Jim.

"Hey, big boy. You're the guest of honor, huh?"

Tony said "Jim, I'd like you to meet Candy. She'll rock your world."

Only a little shocked (it's an open secret that Tony cheats on Gina every chance he gets) Chris said "Dad, you know her!?"

"Of course," Tony bragged, "I'm a regular customer."

Candy proceeded aggressively grind her ass on Jim's crotch.

"Hey, stud, you make me soooo wet. What are you gonna do about it?"

Jim was too freaked out to speak. In fact, he's so uncomfortable that Candy's sexy grinding isn't even making him hard, which she noticed.

"What's the matter, sexy? You're too young to need Viagara."

Tony said "Candy, unzip his pants and show him what you can do with your mouth."

Candy turned around to do just that when Jim stopped her.

"No."

Candy said "What's the matter? I'm not your type?"

Ignoring her, Jim said "Dad, I'm not cheating on Quinn."

Tony said "It's not cheating when she was paid."

Kevin stopped making out with his hooker and added "Yeah, dude. It's your bachelor party. You, like, get a pass for doing other girls."

"And I'm sure Quinn'll see it that way" Jim replied in a sarcastic tone.

Tony said "That's why you don't tell her."

Link said "I'm not cheating on Daria, no way."

Added Jamie "I'm not cheating on Nicole, especially with a hooker."

Chuck was equally adamant in his refusal. "Granted, Stacy and I have occasionally invited other people into our bedroom..." When he saw the looks from the other guys, Chuck said "Look, we have our own idea of monogamy. We don't consider group activities in which we're both active participants to be cheating. However, doing other people solo DOES constitute cheating in mine and Stacy's relationship."

Everyone else accepted this. Given Chuck and Stacy's libidos it's not really a surprise that they don't define monogamy as rigidly as others do.

Getting back to the matter at hand, Jim said "Look, it's my party and I say we get out of here and go to a legit place."

Chris agreed. "As much as I'd like to get busy with these girls, I'm with Jim, Jamie, Link and Chuck on this."

Realizing he's out voted Tony groaned "Awright, fine, you bunch of pussys! We'll go to Cafe Risque."

Kevin stopped making out with his hooker.

"AW, MAN!"

* * *

**McGrundy's, a short time later...**

Quinn and her friends were all having a good time at her bachelorette party. Even Daria was loosening up thanks to the alcohol. She said "Thi...hic...t'is iz awezome, Qu'n...hic..."

Seeing that her sister was obviously drunk, Quinn thought Well, better her than Lindy.

Actually, both Lindy and Allison were drunk but they were too busy making out with each other to cause any trouble. Just then, the lights went out, ecept for a spotlight on the stage. Sandi immediately got up on stage and spoke into the microphone. "And now..," she said, "...it's time for the main event."

Everyone else directed their attention towards the stage. Once she was sure she had everyone's attention, Sandi said "Alright, Ladies, it's the moment you've all been waiting for. Preeeesenting...THE SEXY STUD."

As Sandi left the stage to rejoin the audience the curtain pulled back. Standing next to a stripper pole was...Jim's uncle, Vito. Everyone gasped in shock. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and black pants. Then the music started.

 **Music:** "Evacuate The Dance Floor" by Cascada

Vito immediately ripped off his shirt, revealing his flabby chest and massive beer gut, both of which are disgustingly hairy. He swayed in time with the music. Next, he ripped off his pants to reveal the thong speedo that he's wearing. He then shook his flabby, hairy and enormous ass at the visibly disgusted girls.

In the audience, Quinn turned to Sandi.

"Sandi, what the hell!?"

Horrified, Sandi said "In the picture he looked like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. I thought since he's a stripper we could overlook the fashion faux pas."

Stacy asked rhetorically "Does that look like a disco stud too you."

On stage, Vito was grinding his barely covered crotch on the stripper pole.

In the audience Jane and Daria looked on with disgust. Daria said "I'm go..urp...BLEEEEEEECCCH!"

As Daria vomited all over the floor Jane said "I feel like doing the same thing."

Vito swayed his body in a manner that the girls would find hot on an in shape guy, but seeing Vito's old, flabby body jiggle was making everyone nauseous. Sandi finally decided enough was enough. She hopped right up on stage, shut off the music, turned the lights back on and got right in Vito's face.

"WHAT THE HELL!?! I expected a sexy stud, not an obese old guy. In fact, aren't you the guy who got fresh with me in the champagne room last year?'

Realizing that Sandi was indeed the stripper he tried to cop a feel with a year prior, Vito said "You recognized me, huh."*

*(It happened in the "Quinn, Season 4" episode "Strange Uncle")

Sandi asked "Who was the guy in that picture on your website?"

"Me," said Vito before sheepishly adding, "When I was 21."

Sandi was NOT amused.

Trying to explain, Vito said "I recently went into the male stripper business to get chicks, but since I'm 53 and a little overweight I had to be creative with the advertising."

Sandi buried her face in her hand and lets out a frustrated sigh.

* * *

 **Cafe Risque, an hour later...**  
 **Music:** "Take It Off" by Ke$ha

Jim, Chris, Tony, Jamie, Link, Chuck and Kevin were at the bar while girls were dancing topless on stage.

"Now, this is more like it" said Link.

Tony crumbled "Well, it's not a brothel but at least all of the girls have nice ta-tas. How'd you know this place?"

Jim explained "When Quinn was still at her father's consulting business this place was one of their clients. Also, our friend, Sandi, works here."

"Is she hot and can I see her?" Tony asked.

Jim said "She has tonight off, she's with Quinn at her bachelorette party."

Tony was disappointed. "Figures" he grumbled.

At this point, a waitress walked by. She's clad in nothing but a matching bra and G-string. Tony immediately slapped her on the ass.

"Get me a Jack on the rocks, woman!"

A bouncer, having seen this, walked up to Tony.

"Hey, this place has a strict look but don't touch policy."

Tony barked "Don't talk to me like that! I killed a hundred men!"

The bouncer said "I don't care if you've killed a million. Keep your hands to yourself, this is your only warning."

Tony folded his arms and grumbled.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Quinn and Jim's house...**

Quinn, Daria, Jane, Nicole, Stacy and Sandi were in bikinis relaxing in the Jacuzzi that's adjacent to the pool. They're also having more drinks.

Sandi said "Sorry about that disaster at McGrundy's."

"It's okay, Sandi" Quinn replied. After taking another sip of her drink she said "It was an honest mistake."

Daria's eyes started to get heavy. She was about to fall asleep when Jane shook her.

"You alright?"

Quinn added "Yeah, sis."

Daria slurred "I... _hic_...I...dink... _urp_...too...mucking...futch... _hic_..."

"Daria, maybe you should sleep it off" Jane suggested.

Added Quinn "Yeah, you can sleep in any of the guest rooms."

"t... _hic_...'ankz... _hic_..."

Jane helped Daria out of the hot tub.

"I'll be back once she's settled."

With that, Daria and Jane left while the other four continued to sit and drink.

After downing a whole glass, a tipsy Sandi said "This is great, Quinn."

After sipping her drink, Stacy said "Hey, the official party may have been a bust, but this after party has been great."

An also tipsy Nicole suggested "How about a game?"

Also tipsy, Stacy said "Great idea! I'm up for Truth or Dare." When the others gave Stacy a 'really' type look, she added "Adult Truth or Dare."

"I'm game" said Quinn.

"Me too" said Sandi.

Stacy took another swig of her Mojito and said "Okay, who goes first?"

Nicole said "I will. Stacy, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Have you ever kissed a girl?"

Blushing, Stacy said "Yes, more than once. I did it at party's to tease Chuck."

Stacy said "Sandi, truth or dare."

Sandi said "Dare."

"Take off your bikini and play the game naked."

Sandi, emboldened by alcohol, proceeded to do just that.

* * *

 **An hour later...**  
 **Music:** "Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera

The girls were still playing. Daria was in the house sleeping it off while Jane has since joined them in the hot tub. They're all a little drunk, but not totally wasted, and still playing Truth Or Dare. By this point, they were so far along in the game that all five girls were naked.

"Quinn," said Sandi, "truth or dare."

"Truth."

Sandi took another swig of Patron before asking "When Danny kissed you last fall, how did it feel?"

Quinn became a little uncomfortable. After all, it was a very awkward experience due to Danny being a woman.

"Are you sure you wanna know?"

Sandi said "I'm over it, and yes."

Quinn downed her drink to steel her nerves.

"I...To be honest, I was too shocked for anything to register when she kissed me."

Inching closer, Sandi, in a sultry voice, asked "Well, what about when you think back to it?"

"Yeah, Quinn," Jane chimed in, "Inquiring minds wanna know."

Quinn admitted "When she kissed me I went into autopilot for a minute out of surprise."

Inching even closer to Quinn, Sandi asked in a seductive tone "And?"

Quinn, emboldened by alcohol, said "We had our tongues in each other's mouths."

This elicited a collective "Ooooooooooo" from the others.

Now right next to Quinn, a drunk Sandi asked in a breathy whisper "Did you like it?"

Caught up in the moment, Quinn admitted "I kinda did."

Sandi immediately leaned in and kissed Quinn on the lips. Quinn was too stunned to react until Sandi opened her mouth. Quinn responded by opening her own mouth and letting Sandi slip in some tongue. When the kiss deepened Sandi threw her arms around Quinn and pulled her so close that they could feel each other's sudden and growing arousal. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the fact that the woman making out with her was Sandi, but Quinn found her self so turned on that she began to passionately moan into Sandi's mouth. After a few more seconds Sandi broke the kiss and spoke to Quinn in a sultry tone.

"I want you, Quinn."

Quinn said nothing but looked at her friend with a look of almost wild lust in her eyes. Quinn then threw her arms around Sandi and deeply kissed her with all the passion that she could muster.

* * *

**Act III**   
**Quinn and Jim's house, evening...**

Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, Jane and Nicole were in the jacuzzi next to the pool in the back yard. They're all naked and drunk. Sandi and Quinn were passionately making out. As they explored one another's mouths with their tongues and relished the taste of one another's breath that came with each moan they grew bolder. Sandi slid a hand down Quinn's back until it was on her ass. Sandi gave one of Quinn's ass cheeks a firm squeeze. This took Quinn's arousal to such heights that she began to grind her body against Sandi's. They seemed to be feeding one another's ever rising desire and pleasure.

Smirking, Jane said "Well, this just took an interesting turn."

Stacy said "It's too bad Jim and Tom aren't here."

Nicole added "Yeah, they'd probably enjoy this."

At the mention of Sandi's boyfriend and Quinn's fiance both girls eyes suddenly went wide. They immediately stop making out and back away from each other.

"OHMYGOD!!!!!" Sandi exclaimed.

"WHAT ARE WE DOING!?" said an equally shocked Quinn.

Jane said "Some pretty wild tongue wrestling."

Suddenly shocked, Quinn said "You were...we were...making out...gr...grinding..each...each other...I...I was...ENJOYING IT!!!!"

Equally shocked, Sandi stammered "I...I..don't know what came over me."

They exchanged funny looks as Sandi and especially Quinn now felt weird about getting so hot for each other that had Nicole mentioned their SO's who knows how far things would've gone.

Stacy said "Well, this just got weird."

"No kidding," said Nicole, "I knew Sandi was bi, but Quinn."

Quinn protested "But I'm not into girls."

Sandi said "You seemed pretty into me just now."

Quinn said "But...I mean...we can't...Jim...Tom..."

Sandi now had a guilty expression on her face.

"Yeah."

"The way I see it," said Jane, "what happens here stays here."

Sandi looked at a now petrified Quinn.

"Sorry."

Quinn said nothing, she was too shocked.

Jane said "Sandi, how long have you wanted Quinn?"

"That's just it," explained Sandi, "I find her very attractive but I know she's straight. I can't believe what we just did."

Sandi took another drink and slammed it down her throat in one gulp.

To Quinn, Jane said "Don't worry about it. I went all the way with a girl once but I'm still straight."

The others gave Jane a curious look.

"What? I was curious so I hooked up with a girl when I was at BFAC. Haven't done it with a girl since because my curiosity was satisfied."

Sandi gave Jane a curious look.

"You once had sex with a girl and you don't consider yourself bi?"

Jane explained "It was just to satisfy curiosity, nothing more. In any event, I got it out of my system."

Sandi said "But you can't just be with a member of your own gender and no longer be bisexual."

Rolling her eyes, Jane said "That's why it's called bi-CURIOUS, not bisexual."

Quinn and Sandi now look very confused.

"You know," said Nicole, "When Sandi and I made that video for Jamie it sort of turned me on. It doesn't mean anything. It's not like I suddenly wanted to switch teams or something." Seeing that her words weren't helping, Nicole added "It felt kind of weird after that, though. Frankly, I'm not that way and making a video with Sandi served to confirm that. In any event, I think we've all just had too much to drink. I mean, we are naked in a hot tub talking about sex."

Everyone now felt extremely awkward.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Cafe Risque...**

The guys were all liquored up and having a good time. Suddenly, the owner, Mr. Vorchevsky, took the stage.

"We have special guest tonight. Mr. James Carbones is gettings married next week. Come on up here."

Jim looked at the other guys. Jamie said "Come on Jim."

Chuck added "Yeah, you didn't really think you were gonna leave without a lap dance, were you."

Jim went up on stage as a chair was being placed in the middle. Mr. Vorchevsky said "Have a seat."

Jim sat down in the chair and the music started.

 **Music:** "Naughty Girl" by Beyonce

A brunette clad in sexy lingerie and a feather boa took the stage. She wrapped the boa around Jim and proceeded to give him a lap dance. All the guys cheered her on as she ground on Jim's lap in time with the music. Jim, loosened up by alcohol, enjoyed every minute of it.

Seeing this, Tony said "He'll take a lap dance but not a f&%# and a blow job!?"

Chris said "C'mon, Dad, loosen up."

Link said "Yeah, it's not like she's unzipping his pants and doing him. It's just a lap dance."

Tony turned his attention to the bartender and barked "Another Jack on the rocks!"

The bartender gave Tony his drink. He downed it in one gulp and asked for another.

"Keep 'em coming!"

The bartender complied. As he drank, Tony thought _This is such bullshit. My pansy ass son gets a lap dance._ A look of pure rage soon appeared on Tony's face. _That little waste of sperm doesn't deserve action, I do!_

With that, Tony downed the rest of his drink.

_Fuck it!_

Tony immediately hopped on the stage. Forgetting Cafe Risque's no-touching rule he grabbed the girl and pulled her off of Jim's lap.

"Why don' ya dance f'r a real man, sweet cheeks?"

The stripper shouted "HANDS!"

Tony then forcefully grabbed her ass. When she reacted by slapping him, he said "I like 'em feisty!"

Hearing that, Chuck had a guilty look on his face.

"Didn't that used to be my line?"

At this point, a bouncer rushed the stage. It was the same one who warned Tony when he smacked a waitress on the ass.

"YOU WERE WARNED, PAL!"

The bouncer attempted to tackle Tony, but Tony immediately turned around and employed his Army Special Ops training. He grabbed the bouncer's wrist with one hand and his collarbone with the other. Tony then rolled onto the floor and threw the bouncer clear across the room. Two other bouncers tried to rush Tony, but Tony leapt up and did a spinning kick that knocked them both unconscious. He then landed on his own feet.

"WHO'S NEXT!?"

Three more bouncers tried to rush Tony. He sidestepped one and tripped him. As the bouncer fell face first Tony knocked him out with a karate chop to the back of the neck. The second bouncer lunged at Tony. Tony ducked under his arms and moved in close. Wrapping the bouncers right arm with his left, Tony used his own right arm to elbow the bouncer's face before forcing his head down as Tony brought up a knee. The bouncer was unconscious with a broken nose and jaw after that. Then Tomy leapt at the third bouncer and jump kicked him in the face before punching him in the gut, followed by a devastating punch to the face.

"HOOOO-RAH!!! THIS IS FUN!!!"

**Meanwhile, in Mr. Vorchevsky's office...**

Mr. Vorchevsky was on the phone.

"Lawndale Police, there is crazy man on rampage at my club. My security can't handle him...Thank you. Please hurry!"

* * *

**The main club, a short time later...**

All of the bouncers were beaten to a pulp while the girls and the bartender have run off. Only Tony, Jim, Chris, Link, Jamie, Chuck and Kevin remain.

Impressed, Kevin said "Whoa! Sergeant Major, you, like, totally kicked ass!"

"You take on a former Delta Force operator that's what happens" Tony bragged.

**Meanwhile, outside...**

A whole team of police cars had surrounded the building. A SWAT team in full riot gear proceeded to storm inside.

**Inside...**

The guys were now surrounded by SWAT. The team leader shouted "DOWN ON THE GROUND!! YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST!!!"

The guys all got down on the ground and put their hands behind their heads.

As they were being cuffed Jim muttered "Nice job, Dad."

And you thought your bachelor party was crazy.

* * *

**Quinn and Jim's house, morning...**

Quinn entered the kitchen in her pajamas. Daria was there and having coffee.

"Morning, Quinn."

"Morning, Daria."

Daria asked "What did I miss?"

Quinn said "After you went down we played sexy Truth or Dare. It got kind of wild."

"As in?" Daria asked.

"As in we all wound up naked. That and I made out with Sandi" Quinn answered.

Daria's eyes went wide.

"I thought you weren't into girls."

Quinn said "That's why I'm confused. I've never been interested in girls but last night I made out with one. Not only that but I got so turned on by it that I suddenly wanted to do more. If we hadn't thought of our guys at the last minute who knows how far things would've gone."

Seemingly unfazed, Daria said "So, you had a bi-curious moment."

Quinn finally voiced what really bugged her about the steamy make out session. "What if I've been bi all this time and just never realized it?"

Daria asked "Have you ever looked at other women the same way you look at men?"

Quinn thought for a minute.

"No."

"Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a girl?" Daria next asked.

Quinn honestly replied "No, that's what makes it so weird. I've never been into girls but last night I got turned on when Sandi kisses me. I kissed her back, we groped each other and I got so into it that if Nicole and Stacy hadn't mentioned our significant others we would've kept going until we got each other off."

Daria explained "I think what turned you on was the novelty of the situation. I think if you and Sandi had gone past kissing you would've felt really weird about it."

Quinn asked "But, what if I am bi and I just don't know it?"

"Quinn, you're 27," said Daria, "If you were bi I think you would've suspected long before now. Let's look back at a few events in your life. We both know that the whole time you and Nicole were roommates she liked to lounge around the place completely naked. How did that make you feel?"

Quinn looked thoughtful for a second before answering. "To be honest, it kind of weirded me out at first but I wasn't turned on. After that I got used to Nicole walking around with no clothes on and it felt no different from seeing her fully dressed. Never once did the sight of her naked body turn me on."

"Quinn," said Daria, "You're straight. What happened last night was just you wanting to do something crazy after having too much to drink. Yes, it turned you on, but that was do to lowered inhibitions and the novelty of the situation. If you were actually into women you would get hot for them just as easily as you do for guys."

Quinn thought it over.

_She's right. Sandi said she first felt attracted to girls around the same time she discovered guys while last night was the first and only time I'd ever felt turned on by a woman. Before that I was only ever attracted to guys and not even curious about girls. Sandi repressed that side of herself until college while I never had anything to repress. I'm not bi. What happened last night was just curiosity mixed with alcohol._

Relieved, Quinn said "Thanks, Daria."

At this point, Nicole and Stacy came in. Stacy asked "What are you guys talking about?"

Quinn said "My makeout session with Sandi."

Nicole said "Quinn, just because you got drunk and kissed a girl doesn't mean you're bi. That's like saying I'm bi just because I made a softcore lesbian video solely as a special gift for my husband. Truth is I've never had even the slightest desire for girls and I know you well enough to know you've never wanted to be with girls as well."

"Yeah, Quinn," added Stacy, "I've kissed girls and it turned me on, but what turned me on was the fact that it was turning Chuck on to see me do that. I never wanted to actually go all the way with them."

Relieved, Quinn said "That's Daria's assessment too. I was just turned on by the thrill of unexplored territory."

Now changing the subject, Daria asked "Where are Jane and Sandi?"

Nicole said "They stayed in the hot tub a little while after the rest of us turned in."

**Upstairs, a short time later...**

Quinn, Daria, Stacy and Nicole were going to one of the spare bedrooms. Quinn said "This is the only room they could be in."

She opened the door and they all walked in. Sandi and Jane's bikinis were on the floor while Jane and Sandi were in the bed. They were asleep in each others arms and completely naked. Not only that, but it's obvious by the thrown sheets and messy hair that they did very little sleeping.

Blushing with embarrassment, Quinn said "When will I learn to knock first?"

Looking and sounding unfazed, Daria said "I'm going to pretend I never saw this."

"Me too, sis," said Quinn, "Me too."

At this point, Quinn's cell phone vibrated. She immediately answered. "Hello?" Her eyes suddenly went wide. "Jim!...Where are you guys?" As she listened Quinn's eyes widened even further. "Arrested!?"

**To Be Continued...**


	16. Is It Over Yet, Pt. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big day has arrived. Quinn and Jim are getting married and everyone begins to plan for the future.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Song:** "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha  
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and Link on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...

**Quinn**   
**in**   
**"Is It Over Yet?, Part III"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**A police station in Lawndale, morning...**

Quinn, Stacy, Daria and Nicole were there to bail their guys out. As they approached the station they saw Jim, Chuck, Jamie, Chris, Link, Kevin and Tony emerge from the station. They were surprised.

Quinn said "Jim, we just came to bail you guys out."

Jim explained "Mr. Vorchevsky dropped the charges. He decided one night in the drunk tank was punishment enough."

Chris added "After he banned our father from Cafe Risque for life, that is."

"Fucking Ruskie piece of shit" Tony muttered.

Chris said "Dad, you were facing serious assault charges and General Conroy used up most of his favors getting you out of trouble for that incident where you threw a piss filled water balloon at President Obama a few months back. You could've landed serious jail time over this."

Tony dismissively said "Worst I would've gotten is a fine, probation and a court order to pay for all the damages. It's not like I killed any of those bouncers."

"What happened?" asked Quinn.

Jim explained "Dad dragged us to a brothel in Baltimore. When only Kevin was interested in the hookers we went to Cafe Risque instead."

"I still can't believe you guys cock blocked me" Kevin whined.

Ignoring Kevin's complaint, Jim went on "Jamie and Chuck bought me a lap dance."

Chuck, while pointing to Tony, continued "Then genius over here had to interrupt Jim's lap dance and get fresh with the girl. When the bouncers tried to stop him all hell broke loose."

"Those juice heads were nothing," Tony bragged, "Try traipsing through a God-forsaken jungle with Charlie coming at you from all sides. I once killed a Viet Cong with my bare hands. Tore his commie head clean off."

Ignoring Tony's disturbing bravado, Stacy said "Thank God you guys are alright."

"No kidding" added Quinn.

Jim and Chuck were puzzled by Quinn and Stacy's reactions. Jim asked "Why aren't you screaming your heads off at us right now?"

Chuck added "Yeah, I was expecting to at least catch some hell for the brothel."

It was at this point that Nicole admitted "Let's just say the bachelorette party got more than a little crazy too."

Stacy added "As in Quinn and Sandi making out in a hot tub crazy."

With mock disappointment in his voice, Jim said "Damn, and I missed that."

Not noting the playful tone, Quinn sheepishly confessed "We were drunk and got carried away, that's all. I'm not switching teams."

"Does this mean our future doesn't include a threesome with Sandi?" Jim joked.

Quinn found no humor in that. She gave Jim a vicious stare until...

"Kidding!"

Quinn calmed down after that.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Quinn and Jim's house...**

Jane and Sandi were in the kitchen having coffee and feeling slightly awkward about having had lesbian sex with each other the night before.

"Sandi," said Jane, "Is it weird that last night we...well...you know?"

"Did it?"

Jane nodded.

Sandi said "Look, Jane, we were drunk, horny and flirting. It's no big deal."

"Do you regret it?" asked Jane.

Sandi thought it over for a moment. "Not really," she said, "I regret that I technically cheated on Tom, but it was a bachelorette party. You get a pass for that. He won't even consider what we did cheating, though he would if I'd done it with another guy last night. You?"

Jane said "Alan won't mind that I lezzed out, which is good since I like living in a SoHo loft rent free. If I'd done it with a guy it'd be another story, though."

Sandi said "That's another reason I feel bad but not too bad about it. On the one hand Tom won't consider what I did cheating. On the other hand, I do consider it cheating. I certainly wouldn't be okay with him doing a guy." After a brief pause, she added "I know, I'm a hypocrite, but I cheated on him and that's what makes this awkward. I feel bad about cheating and the fact that he won't even consider what we did cheating does not make me feel any better about it." Sandi paused again as something else occurred to her. "What does this mean for us, though?"

Truth was that both women already knew the answer but Jane decided that it needed to actually be said anyway. "Sandi" she said, "it was a one time thing. As much as I enjoyed getting it on with you I still overwhelming prefer guys." Jane suddenly had a thought. "Did you mean what you said last night? When you admitted you thought I was hot?"

"Yes," Sandi admitted, "One of the reasons I turned on you in middle school was that I was starting to have feelings for you but didn't want to accept that I go both ways."

Jane said "I wonder what would've happened if you hadn't been held back in fifth grade and we'd stayed friends."

"Well" Sandi speculated, "I wouldn't have become a queen bee. I might have even accepted my bisexuality from day one instead of staying in the closet until college."

Jane said "Since I was always a little curious back then..."

Jane can't bring herself to say it, so Sandi does.

"We might've been Lawndale High's token lesbian couple."

Jane nodded. "Only it would've been real instead of just a rumor."

Sandi asked "So...no regrets?"

"No regrets."

They were about to hug but suddenly thought better of it.

"Maybe just a handshake" said Jane.

Sandi smiled as they shook hands.

* * *

**Governor's Park Restaurant, evening...**

Jamie and Nicole were seated across from each other at a table.

"Thanks for taking me out, Nicole."

Nicole said "My pleasure. After all, we've been so focused on Quinn and Jim's upcoming wedding that our own marriage was starting to fall by the wayside."

Jamie agreed. "Yeah."

Nicole suddenly looked thoughtful. "Jamie," she said, "Do you ever think about the next step?"

"What do you mean?" asked Jamie.

Nicole said "Well, we're married, Chuck and Stacy are married, Quinn and Jim are getting married in a week, Daria's in a steady relationship with Link, Sandi's in a steady relationship with Tom, Jane's living in her boyfriend's loft. We all seem to have found someone."

Jamie said "That doesn't really answer my question."

Nicole summed up what she was getting at in one word. "Kids."

Jamie said nothing but gave his wife a curious look.

"Not right now," said Nicole, "You still have to finish college and then get a job where you won't have any more of your body parts blown off or be at risk of getting killed. Not only do I want us to grow old together but when we do have kids I'd really prefer that they grow up with their father in the picture."

"I see," said Jamie, "Nicole, I'd love to have kids at some point but there's one other caveat you didn't mention. My PTSD."

Nicole said "Jamie, you haven't had a nightmare or flashback in almost a year now."

"Still," said Jamie, "I'm a little worried. Parenting's pretty stressful and we've both met Jim's father."

"What's that have to do with us?" Nicole asked.

Jamie explained "We both know that Tony Carbone's a toxic, abusive psychopath. I know some guys like that at the VFW. The reason they're like that is untreated PTSD. Tony's the way he is because completely repressing his humanity is the only way he can deal."

Nicole put a reassuring hand on her husband's shoulder. "Jamie, you're getting help. You won't be like Tony."

"Frankly," said Jamie, "I'm scared. Remember when I caught Jim's brother getting drunk in the bathroom. He's so damaged by his toxic upbringing that he turns to drink in order to deal. What I'm worried about is that I might screw up our kids in a similar fashion."

Nicole looked thoughtful.

* * *

**The park, later that evening...**

Jamie and Nicole were walking. It's a clear night with a full moon. They came to a bench and decided to sit down.

Looking up, Nicole said "Isn't the sky beautiful?"

"Not as beautiful as you" said Jamie.

Blushing, Nicole said "You're sweet, Jamie." After a brief pause, she said "Listen, sorry I put you on the spot about when or if we decide to have kids. I think it's too soon right now, it's just something that's been on my mind."

"That's okay" said Jamie, "Everyone we know is starting to settle down. It's only natural that we start thinking about the future. By the way, I'm not saying I don't want kids, I'm just saying I doubt I'd make a good parent."

"I've been thinking about that too" said Nicole.

"And?" asked Jamie.

Nicole said "I briefly dated Tom Sloane a few years ago, before we met. It ended after a pregnancy scare." Knowing what he wanted to ask, Nicole said "No, I wasn't pregnant, my cycle was just off that month. I mention it because when I thought I was knocked up I seriously considered marrying Tom until Jim told me his father's life story. Tony's parents got married because of an unplanned pregnancy. The marriage lasted, despite being so tumultuous that the family was in a constant state of stryfe that included Tony being physically and emotionally abused. Tony actually joined the Army in order to escape the hellish life he had at home. Growing up like that made him toxic to begin with, thought I'm sure it's been made worse by his wartime experiences."

"I see" said Jamie.

"I guess what I'm trying to say" said Nicole, "is that you don't have to worry. Jamie, your parents are two of the nicest people I've ever met and, unlike Tony, you've actually gotten help for your issues and it's benefitted tremendously. Jamie, you definitely have what it takes to be a good parent."

Jamie thought it over for a second and found no fault with his wife's logic.

Nicole went on. "Don't get me wrong, now's not the right time for us to have kids. I'm just saying that when the time is right I want children and I believe you'd be a much better father than you think."

Jamie said "I'm thinking the same thing. I just wanted to be sure and, after hearing that story, I am. Nicole, when the time's right then I'd love to have kids."

Nicole smiled. "Jamie," she said, "I love you."

As they stared into each other's eyes Jamie said "I love you too, Nicole."

They slowly leaned in until, finally, they kissed.

* * *

**Winged Tree Country Club, May 22, 2010...**

The big day has arrived. Jake and Helen were at the entrance to the clubhouse greeting guests. The first to arrive were Emma and Rita.

Helen said "Mom, Rita, welcome."

Impressed, Emma said "How on Earth could you afford this?"

Helen said "The Slaone's are on the membership committee and friends with Quinn and Jim."

Rita's eyes went wide. "Sloane's!?!" she said, "As in Grace, Sloane and Paige!?"

Emma added "Well, I see that Quinn and Jim have been keeping proper company."

The two walked into the club as Jake and Helen breathed a huge sigh of relief. Helen said "At least Mother's behaving herself...for a change."

At this point, Eve Morgendorffer approached. She asked "When do I get to meet Mr. Carbone?"

Jake said "He'll be here later with his wife. Why?"

Eve, with awe in her voice, said "When I heard he was a former Army Ranger who served in Vietnam I was intrigued. A real man for a change."

"I see," said Jake, his voice growing more bitter and resentful with each word. "Just like dear old Dad." He proceeded to quote his father. "'Only soldiers are men, Jake.' 'You aren't a man until you've tasted combat Jake.' 'WHY ARE YOU GOING TO COLLEGE, JAKE. YOU NEED TO GET YOUR ASS TO VIETNAM AND KILL YOURSELF SOME COMMIES!!!!!'"

"JAKE! TWO HEART ATTACKS!" Helen barked.

As Jake snapped out of his rant Eve said "Thank you, Helen. At least one of you acts like a man." Turning to her brother, Eve added "Jake, must you speak so poorly of our dear, departed father."

Jake said "You only like him because he spoiled you rotten. You'd feel different if he threw you in the Gulag otherwise known as Buxton Ridge."

Eve spat back "At least he tried to make a man out of you.! Then you let that communist cunt get her claws into you and turn you into a hippie."

Offended, Helen growled "Eve, I'm right here."

Without another word, Eve entered the club.

"I need a drink" said Jake. He's about to go inside when...

"Jake, you aren't going anywhere until you've helped me greet all of the guests!" Helen barked as she grabbed her husband by the arm.

The firm tone startled Jake. At this point, Brittany arrived...with Daryl!

"Brittany Thompson," said Helen, "I don't recall Daryl being on the guest list."

Brittany said "Daryl's my plus one."

"What about Kevin?" asked Jake, "He's your husband."

Brittany said "He'll be here later. By the way, if he asks tell him I came by myself."

As they walk by Helen and Jake saw Daryl's hand resting on Brittany's ass. Brittany clearly had no problem with his hand being there as she smiled lustfully at him, making it obvious to Helen that she was still cheating on Kevin with her personal trainer.

Shaking her head, Helen said "Kevin's never gonna figure it out, is he?"

Jake asked "Figure what out?"

Helen responded with an exacerbated sigh. At that point, another guest arrived. It's Amy.

Helen said "Amy, welcome."

"Hey, Helen" said Amy. Turning to Jake, she added "So, Jake, still married to my sister, huh?"

Jake proudly said "Be thirty-five years next month."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again" Amy replied, "shows remarkable fortitude."

Helen stared daggers at her sister, who pretended not to notice.

* * *

**Act II**   
**One of the dressing rooms at Winged Tree, a few hours before the wedding...**

Quinn was seated in front of the vanity. Her white wedding dress is very similar to the one Erin wore at her wedding. With her was her matron of honor, Nicole.

"So," said Quinn, "You and Jamie are thinking about having children, huh?"

"Not right away," said Nicole, "Jamie still has three semesters to go until he gets his degree. We've just decided that once he finishes school and gets a job that we're gonna try for kids. How about you, Quinn? You and Jim planning for kids?"

Quinn nodded. "We're gonna wait a little, but yes. Jim and I decided that after the first year of marriage we're gonna try it. Which would mean we're gonna get started on trying to have kids around the same time you and Jamie plan to start working on it."

Smiling, Nicole said "Wouldn't it be cool if we wound up giving birth at the same time. Our kids might end up lifelong friends."

Quinn nodded in agreement. "Maybe one of us has a boy and the other has a girl and as they get older feelings of friendship evolve into something more."

"Getting a little ahead of ourselves, aren't we?" said Nicole, "Although, that could mean when we're old and crusty we wind up with the same grandkids."

Both girls fell into a giggling fit. As soon as they stopped laughing Daria entered the dressing room.

"So, Quinn, ready to take the plunge?"

Smiling, Quinn said "Of course, Daria. Why do you ask?"

Daria said "I was just wondering if you're one of those brides who gets cold feet at the last minute."

"Sorry to disappoint, sis" said Quinn, "but you couldn't bribe me out of this."

"That's fifty bucks Jane owes me" Daria deadpanned.

Both sisters laugh. At this point, Amy came in.

"There's my favorite niece."

Daria's eyes lit up.

"Aunt Amy."

They hugged. After the hug, Quinn said "Aunt Amy, this is my matron of honor, Nicole. Nicole, my mother's sister Amy."

As they shook hands Amy said "By the way Quinn, I hope you don't mind me calling your sister my favorite niece."

Quinn smiled as she said "Considering how much you two have in common, I'd be a little surprised if you didn't."

Amy, without missing a beat, said "You're a close second, though."

All four smiled as Stacy and Jane entered the room.

"So," said Jane, "Is she chickening out?"

Holding out her hand, Daria said "No such luck. Pay up."

Jane handed Daria a fifty. Seeing this, Stacy said "You two actually made a bet about Quinn getting cold feet!?"

Jane said "Yep, my fifty bucks said she would."

Daria added "And since I know Quinn well enough to know she's big on commitment I knew this was a sure thing."

"Well, Daria's becoming an optimist," Jane said with a smirk, "What are the odds?"

Giggling, Stacy said "You two are so weird."

Quinn added "And I wouldn't have it any other way."

* * *

**Meanwhile, in another dressing room...**

Jim was fixing the tie on his blue and white tuxedo. His best man, Jamie and Chris were with him. While Chris was wearing a black tuxedo Jamie, at Jim's insistance, was wearing his class-A Army uniform with all his medals, including the Medal Of Honor that President Obama gave him the previous summer.

"So," Jim said to his best man, "You and Nicole decided to try for kids in a year, huh?"

Nodding, Jamie said "Yeah, we talked about it and decided it's what we both want. You?"

Jim said "Quinn and I are gonna start trying for kids in a year too."

This conversation made Chris so uncomfortable that he pulled a flask out of his tux and started drinking.

Seeing this, Jim said "Chris, take it easy til the reception, will ya?"

Putting the flask back in his jacket, Chris said "Sorry, bro. It's just that I'm a little bummed. Your life's all coming together while mine's falling apart."

"Bro," said Jim, "You're not dead yet. You can start over once the divorce is final. In the meantime your welcome to stay at our place until you get back on your feet. By the way, thanks for house sitting during mine and Quinn's honeymoon."

"No problem, baby bro" said Chris.

Too happy to be annoyed by Chris once again calling him that in public, Jim said "Just remember to walk Storm twice a day. And he likes his kibble mixed with canned dog food."

Jamie said "If Storm drives you crazy, Nicole and I would be happy to take him off your hands."

Chris said "Since I have no experience with pets I'm a little surprised you asked me to dog sit."

"Since you're living with us until you get back on your feet it makes perfect sense" said Jim.

Chris put a hand on Jim's shoulder.

"I'm happy for you, bro. You've found the woman of your dreams."

Jim said "Thanks, Chris."

* * *

**The clubs rose garden, a little while later...**

An altar and aisle were set up. Everyone was assembled. Jim and his groomsmen stood on the right side while the bridesmaids were on the right side. A priest took his place at the altar. He looked exactly like Mr. O'Neil.

Seeing the priest's uncanny resemblance to her high school Language Arts teacher, Daria said "Mr. O'Neil!?"

"Actually, it's father O'Neil."

He even sounded like Mr. O'Neil.

Jane said "What happened to being a language arts teacher?"

Stifling a laugh, Father O'Neil said "You must have me confused with my twin brother, Timothy. My name's Theodore."

Daria and Jane breathed cautious sighs of relief.

In the audience, Kevin said "Whoa! Like, when did Mr. O'Neil become a priest."

Tony, meanwhile, rolled his eyes. "I can't believe this shit. Our boy's about to..."

Gina elbowed him. "Tony, behave yourself."

Tony lets out a frustrated grunt.

"Here Comes The Bride" began to play. Everyone turned to watch as Jake walked Quinn down the aisle.

Daria commented "And he promised to walk me down the aisle once, but that was probably the heart medication."

Once Quinn was at the altar she said "Thanks, Dad."

Smiling proudly, Jake said "I'm so happy for you, Quinn." He kissed his daughter on the forehead before returning to his seat next to Helen.

"Dearly beloved," said Father O'Neil, "We are gathered here today to unite Quinn Morgendorffer and James Carbone in holy matrimony. Marriage is a holy sacrament, a sacred union that symbolizes the love that two people share..."

In his seat, Tony thought _Give me a fucking break. A union between those two is a goddamn joke._

After the preamble, Father O'Neil said "Now, the couple have decided to write their own vows. You may begin."

Tony's eyes went wide.

_Are you fucking shitting me!_

Eve was equally disdainful in her thoughts.

_Great. It's Jake's communist hippie wedding all over again._

Quinn said "Jim, I used to think I knew what love was. Then you came along and showed me it was so much more. I've always wanted someone who would be my partner in all things. In life, in love, in everything. With you I've found that someone. I vow to always love you, to share in your joys and your sorrows, to be at your side through good times and bad, to grow old with you, and to give myself only to you. I vow to be your equal partner in all things in life. All I ask in return is that you do the same for me."

Jim said "Quinn, you are the most wonderful woman I know. You aren't just in my life, you are my life. A life that is so much richer because of you. I vow to be your equal partner in everything, to share everything with you. I promise to pick you up when you fall, to give you courage when your own is lacking, to share in your victories and your defeats. To always love you and, should my love ever fade, do whatever it takes to get it back. I will be your only lover and will only ever have you as a lover. I ask only the same from you in return."

Tony thought _This is REALLY starting to piss me off._

Both Quinn and Jim said "We will go through life as one. We will raise our children to follow their dreams and always do the right thing."

Jim said "I will honor Quinn's conditions."

Quinn said "And I will honor Jim's"

Jim said "There is no me."

Quinn said "There is no me."

Both said "There's us."

In the crowd, Helen wiped a stray tear.

"Jake, that was so beautiful."

Jake said "They really are just like we were back then."

At the altar, Father O'Neil said "If anyone can show just cause why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Tony thought _That's IT!_ and yelled "I OBJECT!!!!"

Everyone gasped as Tony rose from his seat and stormed up the aisle. Gina buried her face in her hands out of embarrassment. Tony got right in the bride and grooms faces.

"I object to this travesty of family values. Jim, this bitch ruined you. Before she came along you had a promising career and now look at you. A YouTuber. I'm beyond ashamed. This woman is a red haired harlot who's led you astray. I FORBID YOU TO MARRY THIS...THIS...THIS CUNT!!!!!"

Everyone gasped in absolute shock. Jake angrily stood up.

"HEY, DON'T YOU DARE CALL MY LITTLE GIRL A CUNT!!!"

Helen grabbed Jake's arm and forced him in his seat.

"SIT DOWN, JAKE!!!"

Tony barked "SEE! HER FATHER CAN'T EVEN CONTROL HIS WOMAN! EQUAL PARTNERS!?! WHAT A BUNCH OF COMMUNIST, ANTI-AMERICAN BULLSHIT!!!! I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO LET MY SON GIVE UP HIS BALLS!!!! QUINN IS NOTHING BUT AN INSUBORDINATE SLUT WHO NEVER LEARNED HER PROPER PLACE!!!"

Staring admiringly at Tony, Eve thought He's just like father. Finally, a real man!

Gina finally stood up.

"ANTHONY SANTINO CARBONE, SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN OVER HERE AND SHUT UP!"

Tony yelled "SHUT UP, WOMAN!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!! THIS IS FOR JIM'S OWN GOOD!!!"

Gina walked up the aisle and got right in Tony's face.

"You are gonna sit your ass back down, quit making a scene, and let our son marry the woman he loves."

Tony started to lose his nerve.

"But...but..."

Gina refused to give an inch.

"NOW, TONY!"

Tony sighed in defeat. To Jim, he said "This isn't over, boy."

After that, Tony returned to his seat.

Father O'Neil said "My apologies for that."

Jim said "It's okay, Father."

Quinn, refusing to let Tony's harsh words upset her, said "We expected something like this."

Visibly relieved, Father O'Neil said "Oh, alright then. By the powers vested in me by The Holy Catholic Church and the State of Maryland, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

As he leaned in toward Quinn, Jim said "Sorry about my father."

Quinn said "That's okay. I just want us married."

"We are, Quinn. We are."

They kissed. The whole crowd, except Tony, erupted in applause.

* * *

**Act III**   
**The Banquet hall at Winged Tree Country Club...**

The reception was now in full swing. There's an open bar serving wines such as Riunite Lambrusco, Moscato, Pinot Grigio, Pinot Noir and Montepulciano. Other drinks are scotch, bourbon, Amaretto, Sambuca and Strega. In addition to the wedding cake there are other sweets such as baclava, kannolis and macarones. Other food being served includes lasagna(the real kind, not the microwave kind), antipasto, shrimp scampi and veal marsala. There's also a dance floor and a stage with a karoke machine.

At the head table were the bride, groom and their respective attendants. Daria looked at the stage and asked "I wonder what Trent's new band is like."

Jane said "Assuming of course that Trent hasn't slept in."

Quinn stifled a giggle. _Some things never change._

At one of the tables, Gina and Tony were arguing.

"I can't believe you made a scene at the ceremony, Tony."

Tony spat back "I can't believe I let you stop me from molding our boys into men over the years."

Gina hissed "Tony, don't you dare even go there!"

Tony said "You coddled both our boys, now look at them. Chris couldn't keep his woman in line and now she's taken everything, including his balls. Jim threw away a chance to make it big to be with Quinn. They're both YouTubers."

Gina retorted "And making good money, you _miserable_."

Rolling his eyes, Tony said "That's not an honest days work. What the fuck happened to this world?"

Frustrated, Gina got up from the table.

Tony asked "Where are you going?"

Gina hissed "As far away from you as possible, you _cafone_."

Tony said in a condescending tone "You threatening to divorce me again."

Gina said "No, but I should."

Tony said "HEY! We're good Catholics, we don't believe in divorce. We believe in family."

"My faith only goes so far."

With that, she walked away. Tony then went to the bar.

"Gimmie a bourbon on the rocks."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the head table**...

One of Jim's relatives was handing Quinn a cream colored envelope stuffed with money.

"Here you go. All the best."

Once he's gone Quinn asked Jim "Why is everyone on your side of the family giving us money."

Jim said "To help us start a family. It's an old Italian custom."

It was at that point that Gina took the stage. "Can I have everyone's attention?" she said into the microphone, "I'd like to dedicate this to my son and his beautiful bride. Quinn, benedice a la famiglia."

With that, the music started. It was trumpet music with a staccato beat. Gina sang into the microphone.

"C'e 'na luna mezz'u mare, Mamma mia m'a maritare  
Figlia mia a cu te dare, Mamma mia pensace tu  
Se te piglio lu pessciaiole, Isse vai isse vene  
Sempe lu pesce mane tene  
Se se 'ncappa la fantasia, Te pesculia figghiuzza mia"

"La lariula pesce fritte baccala  
Uei cumpa no calamare c'eggl'a ccatta"

At the table, Quinn asked Jim "What's your mother singing?"

Jim said "It's an old Italian folk song. It's called "Luna Mare"."

Now Jim's uncle and Tony's brother, Vito has joined Gina on stage. He said "And now for those of youse not familiar wit' the Italian language I'm gonna sing a few lines in English."

At the bar, Tony rolled his eyes.

"Another drink."

On stage, Vito sings...

"Lazy Mary, you better get up, we need the sheets out for the table.  
Lazy Mary you better get up and use your feet, she says "I am not able"  
Lazy Mary you smoke in bed, there's only one man you should marry  
My advise would be is to pay attention to me  
You'd better marry a fireman, he'll come and go, go and come..."

From there he handed Gina the microphone and she resumed singing in Italian. When the song ended everyone applauded. That is, everyone but Tony, who continued to get drunk.

At one of the tables, Emma was less than thrilled.

"First a hippie ceremony, now a guinea reception."

Shocked at her mothers ethnic slur, Rita said "Mother..."

Emma decided not to press the issue.

"No respect for tradition or propriety."

* * *

**Some time later...**

The bride and groom were slow dancing on the dance floor. They are joined by the bridesmaids and groomsmen. The stereo was playing a slow jam that's been a staple of weddings and proms since 1983.

 **Music:** "One On One" by Hall and Oates

Quinn and Jim were having the time of their lives. Quinn said "Despite what your father did, this is still the happiest day of my life."

Jim said "Every day with you is the happiest day of my life."

Quinn blushed. "Jim, that's so sweet."

Meanwhile, Jane and a visibly drunk Chris were slow dancing.

"I can't believe this" Chris slurred, "My brother's getting married and I'm miz'r'bl'."

"And drunk" said an annoyed Jane.

"'m nod drunk" Chris slurred.

"The smell of your breath indicates strongly otherwise" said Jane.

"Awrid, sos mebbie I'm a li'l drung" Chris slurred.

Scowling, Jane thought _Quinn owes me BIG for this!_

Meanwhile, Chuck and Stacy were getting lost in each others eyes. Stacy said "Quinn and Jim are soo cute together."

Chuck said "Not as cute as you, my lovely."

Stacy blushed as she said "For that I'm going to be extra feisty with you tonight."

"I like them...Grrr...feisty!"

Stacy giggled. It's now actually funny when he does his Upchuck thing.

Meanwhile, Nicole and Jamie were slow dancing. By now Jamie's so used to his prosthetics that he can dance on them.

"Jamie," said Nicole, "Does it bother you that we didn't have a big wedding like this."

"Not really," said Jamie, "It only bothers me in that you deserve one."

Smiling, Nicole said "I don't care that we just eloped. I just care about being with you."

With that, Jamie and Nicole kissed.

Tom and Sandi, meanwhile, were getting lost in each others eyes.

Listening to the romantic slow jam, Sandi said "This is so romantic."

"Sandi" Tom replied, "I don't ever want this to end."

All pretense fell away as Sandi said the first words that came to mind.

"Tom, I love you."

Without missing a beat, Tom said "I love you too, Sandi."

They kissed.

_One on one, I wanna play that game tonight_   
_One on one, so slow_

At the bar a visibly drunk Tony was less than thrilled.

 _I don't believe this shit._ Out loud, he barked "Another drink!"

The bartender said "Are you sure? You've had a lot already."

Tony barked "Listen, asshole, I killed a hundred commie gooks defending this country in 'Nam! I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!"

Startled, the bartender poured another drink.

* * *

**After the slow dance...**

Everyone was at their tables when Tom Sloane took the stage. He walked up to the microphone.

"And now, a special treat. A live band."

On the stage appear Trent, Jessie, Nick and Max. Trent walked up to the microphone.

"We're Mystik Spiral, and this is our comeback show."

At the head table, everyone was shocked.

"Mystik Spiral!?" said Daria.

"Back together!?" said Jane.

On stage, Trent said "This is a song we wrote eleven years ago. It's still relevant."

The band plays a VERY familiar tune.

"When the aliens come  
When the death rays hum  
When the bombers bomb  
We'll still be freakin' friends"

"When the whip comes down  
When they nuke the town  
When dead clowns can't clown  
We'll still be freakin' friends"

"Freakin' Friends, Freakin' Friends  
'Till we come to bad ends we're Freakin' Friends"

Everyone at the head table smiled.

* * *

**After Mystik Spiral's set...**

A very inebriated Tony was eyeing the head table with unmistakable contempt. He stumbled over to them.

"Quinn... _hic_..Jim...I needs ta talk wit' yas... _hic_..."

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "Dad, you're drunk."

Tony said "Shaddup... _hic_...you pussy."

Jim glared menacingly at his father, which everyone noticed.

Tony slurred "'S'matter, pansy ass. Don' like hearinz tha... _hic_...trut'?"

Gina saw what was going on and walked right up to Tony.

"Dammit, Tony, I'm warning you. Back off!"

Tony said "Anz I'm sic... _hic_...sick of ya tellin' me what to do."

Gina said "You'd better be real careful what you say next."

"SHUT UP, WOMAN!!!"

He backhanded Gina across the face so hard that she fell to the floor. This infuriated Jim.

"MOM!"

He leapt across the table and got right in Tony's face.

"DAD, WHAT THE HELL!?!"

Tony shoved Jim into the table, hard.

"YOU FUCKJING UGRATEFUL WASTE OF SPERM!!!"

Tony unfastened his belt and flailed it wildly in the air. Gina tried to stop him, but he shoved her to the floor.

"LEARN YOUR FUCKING PLACE, WOMAN!!!"

He then charged at Jim, who rolled out of the way just in time. This caused Tony to crash into the table and fall on his ass.

"DAD, ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?" Jim shouted.

Tony got up and punched Jim so hard that the latter fell too the floor.

"JIM!" Quinn shouted, "GODDAMMIT, TONY, WHAT THE HELL!?!"

Tony backhanded Quinn so hard that she would've fallen to the floor had he not grabbed her and pulled her up to face him. He then slapped her again.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU GODDAMN FUCKING HARPY!"

He was about to hit her a third time when Jim grabbed his wrist.

"If you don't let go of my wife right now" he growled in a menacing tone, "Then I will fucking kill you."

Tony let go of Quinn and stepped back. "So" he said, "That's how it us, huh? I fucking gave you life and you defy me like the fucking ingrate you are. You're no man, you aren't even a fucking human being. You don't deserve to fuckin' live you ungrateful shit."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Dad" said Jim.

Tony growled "You, me, to the fuckin' death...NOW!"

Jim said "Dad, leave."

"Jim" Tony growled, "DIE!!!"

Tony then lunged at Jim with the belt. Jim moved out of the way and threw a punch. Tony ducked the punch, grabbed Jim's wrist and twisted his arm in a way that made Jim yelp in pain. He then looped his belt around Jim's neck and proceeded to strangle the life out of him.

At the bar Jim's brother, Chris, was too busy drinking to see that his father was trying to kill his brother.

At the head table Jim's face started to turn blue as the life was literally being squeezed out of him by Tony's belt.

"YOU'RE A FUCKIN' DISAPPOINTMENT! DIE!!!!!!"

Quinn saw her now husband choking to death and was horrified.

"JIM!!!"

She charged at Tony but he swatted her away. Seeing this, Jim thought through the asphyxiation long enough to do a forward roll that shoved Tony off of him, releasing the belt in the process.

Tony got back on his feet. Next, he and Jim charged with clear intent to kill each other. Before either Tony or Jim were close enough to attack, however, a fist came out of nowhere and knocked Tony to the ground. It was Jake.

"You're just like my father," Jake angrily growled, "A testosterone drunk psychopath."

At this point, Jake was punched by Eve.

"Don't say that. Tony and Dad are real men."

Helen stepped in.

"No, they're not. Your father and Tony are both toxic human beings with serious psychological problems."

Eve hissed "You...BITCH!!!" She punched Helen and a catfight ensued.

Tony then punched Jake.

"That's what you get, you freedom hating pussy!"

Jake then punched Tony so hard that he staggered back into some other guests. This started a chain reaction that results in a full blown riot. Tony and Jake traded punches while Helen and Eve tried to literally rip each other to pieces. On stage, Nick and Max were beating each other up while Trent and Jessie tried to pull them apart. Amy and Rita were engaged in a catfight of their own while Gina was beating up on Vito. Even Emma was getting involved, using her cane to beat up multiple assailants. Quinn, Jim, the bridesmaids and the groomsmen were the only ones not involved now. They looked dismayed at the chaos unfolding before them.

"I don't know about you," said Daria, "But I'm in favor of getting out of here before someone calls the cops."

Link said "Motion seconded."

Quinn said "Motion carried, let's go."

Quinn, Jim, Link, Daria, Chuck, Stacy, Jane, Jamie, Nicole, Sandi and Tom all walked away as chaos unfolds all around them.

At the bar, Chris continued to get drunk and was completely unaware of the madness going on right behind him.

* * *

**Baltimore/Washington International Airport, a few hours later...**

Quinn and Jim have just checked their luggage. Jim said "I'm sorry about the reception."

Quinn put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, Jim. At this point I've accepted that we both belong to the kinds of families where rioting at get-togethers is inevitable."

They kiss. They were about to go to the security checkpoints when...

"Guys."

Quinn and Jim turned around to find Daria, Jane, Stacy and Nicole standing behind them.

Pleasantly surprised, Quinn asked "What are you guys doing here?"

Jane said "You never got a proper send off. Since the reception ended in disaster..."

Daria continued "We figured we'd at least see you off at the airport."

Quinn and Jim were visibly touched by the sentiment. Stacy immediately hugged Quinn. "You're my best friend, Quinn," she said, "Thank you."

Returning the hug, Quinn asked "For?"

Stacy said "Always having my back. Having you around gave me the courage to stand up for myself and pursue my dreams. If it wasn't for you I'd still be the meek doormat I was back in high school. Instead, I'm a news reporter who's happily married with a wonderful child. Thanks for always believing in me."

Patting Stacy on the shoulder, Quinn said "You don't have to thank me. It's what friends do."

They release each other. Stacy turned to Jim.

"You're a great guy, Jim. I hope you two enjoy the honeymoon."

Jim and Stacy hug.

"Thanks, Stacy."

Nicole suddenly hugged Quinn. "Thanks for everything," she said, "If it weren't for you I'd still be the angry bitch I was that first day back in college. You taught me how to trust people again."

Quinn said nothing as no more words were needed as she returned Nicole's hug.

After the hug, Nicole turned to Jim. "Don't you ever break her heart, or you will face my wrath" she said in a playful tone.

"Noted" Jim said with a grin.

Daria said to Quinn "It's been one heck of a ride."

Smiling, Quinn said "That it has, sis. That it has."

Daria said "You used to be a spoiled fashion diva, but you've grown into a well rounded young woman. I...Well, I'm proud of you, Quinn."

Quinn hugged her sister.

"Thanks, Daria."

Jane said "Have fun, you two."

Jim said "We will."

Quinn said "Have I ever told you how lucky I am to have friends like you four?"

All six shared a group hug. After that, Jim and Quinn headed for the checkpoint while exchanging waves with Daria, Jane, Nicole and Stacy.

"Bye" said Daria.

Jane said "Have a blast, you two."

Stacy said "Bring back pictures."

"Enjoy yourselves," said Nicole, "You've both earned it."

* * *

**Outside, a while later...**

Jane, Daria, Stacy and Nicole were by a chain link fence watching Quinn and Jim's plane taxi towards the runway.

Stacy said "It was awfully nice of them to tell us what flight they're on."

Pointing, Jane said "There they are."

All four watched as the plane takes off and flys away.

**On board the plane...**

Quinn and Jim were snuggling in each others arms. They look like the two most content people in the world.

Quinn said "I love you, Mr. Carbone."

Jim said "And I love you, Mrs. Carbone."

Smiling, Quinn said "Quinn Carbone, I love the sound of that."

**The End (and The Beginning).**

* * *

**Epologue**  
 **Quinn and Jim:** Quinn and Jim are still happily married. They now have triplet sons: Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. By 2019 most of their friends and family had left Lawndale, prompting a move to Long Island.

  
 **Daria:** Daria eventually moved back to New York after landing a staff writing job at NBC. She lives in Hells Kitchen with a cat, Godzilla.

  
 **Jane:** Jane is now married to Alan. Due to his hectic travel schedule she and Daria spend a lot of time hanging out together.

  
 **Stacy and Chuck:** They're still married. In addition to little Chucky they now also have a daughter, who they named after Quinn. A few years after the wedding Stacy took a job at a station in Miami and now live in South Florida but remain in touch with Quinn and Jim.

  
 **Nicole and Jamie:** After Jamie finished college he took a job teaching history at a high school on Long Island. Nicole works as Jane's business partner and frequent collaborator. The couple now have one child, a daughter named Rachel.

  
 **Sandi and Tom:** They got married about two years after Quinn and Jim's wedding. His parents treat the fact that she used to be a stripper the same way the Sloane's treat most of their secrets, by sweeping it under the rug and pretending it doesn't exist. Sandi and Tom now have one child.

  
 **Chris:** He now spends all of his time mooching booze money off friends and family and staying an unemployed drunk.

  
 **Trent:** He's still waiting for his big break.

  
 **Jake and Helen:** They are now globe trotting retirees with a small condo in West Palm Beach, FL.

  
 **Link:** He and Daria broke up when she moved to New York. The break up was mutual and so amicable that they remain on good terms with each other.

  
 **Kevin and Brittany:** They're still married with kids. Brittany is still seeing Daryl on the side. Kevin still doesn't suspect a thing.

  
 **Tony and Gina:** After Quinn and Jim's wedding Gina decided she'd had enough and divorced Tony. In retaliation, Tony called in some favors to get her stripped of her citizenship and sent back to her home town in Italy. Tony frequently tries to inset himself back into Quinn and Jim's lives, but they're both still pissed about the whole trying to kill Jim thing.

  
 **Jessie, Max and Nick:** You don't wanna know.

Thus concludes my "Quinn" series but the story, like life, doesn't end there. We'll be seeing all of these people again in the future.


End file.
